Not wanting to go to funeral because of covid.

[Lilo29]

Hi all, I’ve been asked to attend a funeral next week. I agreed. It’s not a close relative (not a parent or grandparent or anything). But a sibling of grandparent. I agreed to go but now I’m having serious doubts.

Mainly because I have social anxiety but also anxiety due to covid. What if I had the virus and spread it? What about if others had the virus and gave it to me? I don’t really go out much at all to minimise my risk.

There will be up to 30 people there inc some of my family who I know aren’t great at social distancing. And will probably all sit close together. I’d want to sit at a distance 😭 which probably won’t go down well. I know masks will be worn? Etc. But I still feel on edge about it all.

Aibu not to go? Would it be rude if I was invited and told them I would and not to? Obviously I would let them know and give a reason. Would you be honest about your reasons not to go? Or would you make a reasonable excuse like childcare issues or car issues etc.

There will be a few other people in attendance so it’s not like they need me there.

Feel awful not going but I feel my anxiety is getting the better of me. Social events (albeit a funeral) really stress me out.

I know someone who went to a funeral then tested positive shortly after. She thinks it could be from there as she hadn’t really been near anyone else. 😭

My grandparent died himself recently so he won’t be there. It’s mainly younger people in my family who will be there.

It’s just stressing me out. There will be elderly people there that I won’t know at all and I could never live with myself if I was an asymptomatic carrier 😭

I know it sounds heartless. I feel heartless.

My own anxiety about the virus is that bad at the minute, I’ve not been to a shop in 3 weeks and get everything delivered. I literally don’t leave my home! DS is somewhat vulnerable (not very vulnerable, not higher risk than some) and I’m so stressed out about it! Hoping I’ll feel better nearer the time.

What about if I didn’t go to the service? But paid my respects outside? A route has been given where he drive through! Surely that’s better than me not going at all?

It’s not the case I don’t want to go, well I don’t but it’s not because I’m a heartless cow, it’s all to with the virus and social anxiety etc.

I have a troubled strained relationship with my family too and I haven’t seen them for a while so anxiety about seeing them won’t help! Of course I’d be polite and civil though!

Ive never been a fan of funerals. They are for outward show. We remember those we love and miss in our hearts and how we choose to grieve for them is of no -ones business except our own.

I was far closer to my grandmother than either of my parents. When she was buried I took two hours off work to attend the service and then went back to my job. I did not go to the wake because that had nothing to do with how I felt about my grandmother. I know there were things said in the wider family but their opinion meant less to me than that of any passing stranger. She was an immensely practical woman and would have understood completely.

Op you are allowed to change your mind. Your first duty is to yourself and your immediate family. I would contact your relatives immediately, tell them you have reconsidered, and then dont hang about to discuss the reasons or chew them over. Do it by text or email if possible and say your decision is final.

despite my anxiety I wouldn’t think twice about going to a funeral of someone I was very close too!

Funerals are not just to say goodbye, but equally to support the living. So although you might not be close to the deceased, I assume you are close to some of the mourners who would find your presence comforting.

I've been to two funerals during lockdown and due to travelling distance watched two online (only one was a covid death). Everyone drove there in their own cars and prior to the funeral we were asked for a breakdown of household groups so they could organise the seating and everyone was shown in in their households separately, told where to sit, and then escorted out separately. Masks were worn by all throughout. They were very well organised.

The hard thing was outside before and after with the awkwardness of social distancing when everyone just wants a hug and to spend some time together, but we got through it ok. I suspect a lot of the problems with funerals are when social distancing is not being followed.

Thank you. When I accepted I only told them I would go to the church service and not the crematorium because crematorium is a drive from the church and would be an hour away from and I need to get back for dc before dh goes to work.

I hate letting people down, it’s usually not me at all. But I’m a mess! 😭

I think it's okay to not go and be honest about your reason (Covid). My 70+ aunt decided to risk it to go to her best friend's husband's funeral. She then caught covid and was hospitalised. She's recovering, but still. Not worth it.

It doesn’t help that I’ve only ever been to one funeral before (thankfully not lost many people close to me) and I don’t really know what to expect either. The last and only funeral j went to is a complete blur. I wasn’t in a great place. I’m suspected to be on the autistic spectrum (as are my children), socially awkward and I really bleddy suck at showing empathy! I can feel it but I struggle to show it. I feel like I’m destined to fail at social situations before they even happen so I avoid altogether 😭 not saying this for sympathy so explaining why I find groups of people so hard!

To add I’m so anxious about getting the virus and leaving my two children behind. I’m youngish and relatively healthy but they both have additional needs and it’s the worst feeling in the world thinking you will get seriously ill! 😭 I’m making this sound all about me now, I know it’s not. I wish I wasn’t this over anxious mess in life!

Don’t go, realistically what actual support are you going to be able to give during this time apart from being seen to be there. You can’t sit together if not the same household, you can’t hold hands or hug your grandparent you can’t mix before or after what is the point? I had many great aunts and uncles on my dad’s side of the family (large families) my siblings and I took it in turns to attend the funerals even in normal times you can’t just magic up time off work for a distant relatives funeral. Emotional support is more important in the weeks and months to come, regular calls, a card or regular letters will comfort way more than being at a funeral for an hr tops.

@Lilo29 If you don't want to go, don't be bullied or harangued into it.

Say nothing to your family, but message several of them a day or two before and say you have a cough, a sore throat, and a gippy tummy, and sadly won't be able to come.

Expect some people to be arsey with you though. There's always someone in every family, who takes offence at someone not turning up to a wedding, a funeral, or a party for a 'special' occasion.

Some people are particularly irked, if a younger member of the family doesn't fall in line.

I think the most responsible thing to do is NOT go.

They weren't immediate family and it's unfair ask you to potentially risk your life in order to support others.

Normally or encourage people to support their family at a funeral. But not now and not when the person isn't closer to you.

Likewise I'd normally say to be honest. But if your family are likely to give you grief, I'd be prepared to lie in your place.

Saying you're isolating might be hard if they know you've not been out at all. But one of your kids might not be well, or be spiking a bit of a temperature.

Or= I'd

Yanbu Op. It is a risk and its entirely up to you whether you want to take it. A gp sibling isn't a close relative I would say unless you were very close to them which you aren't. Most people I know are actually discouraging attendance and inviting people to the live stream.
It is riskier because people are more likely to forget social distancing and sympathize with each other. Sorry for your loss op, but don't feel obligated to go if you are uncomfortable.

Saying we have to isolate did cross my mind but hate lying and worried we’d get found out if seen out on a walk or dp going to work but I live 30 minutes away so unlikely I guess!

I have already told them I cannot go to cremation as need to get home for dh to get to work with us 100 percent true. Perhaps I could tell them that he has to go work early? I know that sounds awful but half the time he does get called in early when he starts in the afternoon but was planning to tell them he couldn’t that day if I went to the funeral?

Where I am it is actively discouraged to go , because of the greater risk of people forgetting to social distance.
If you are feeling anxious now, would you even feel comfortable if everyone is gathered together and you stand apart?

At DP's funeral in November the distancing was very strict inside the chapel, and everyone was very cautious, wore masks etc, even outside. There was no hugging outside of household groups.

But if you really can't face it, just say your DP won't be able to mind the children or something.

You could say you've received notification from NHS app to isolate due to a close contact with a positive case. Quite often by the time they come through there's only a few days of isolation left, so you're less likely to be caught out.

Honestly OP you sound like you’ve got a lot on your plate. Just give a bland excuse - anyone with any empathy can grasp why someone might not feel able to attend a funeral at the moment. If you want to support relatives, do it by calling/FaceTiming/sending them a card or flowers.

Just send your apologies- say sorry cant make it after all... if you have a tricky relationship with your family now is not the time to be sorting that out /dealing with it.. If you are not going to actively support an individual who is close to you then maybe talk to them otherwise not to go ...

I would not go to a funeral at the moment unless immediate family or my closest friends...although I know a few people that have changed their wishes to be direct crematorium and rememberance event later as dont want people to feel the need.....

Tell the truth.
I've been thinking about Aunt Dots funeral and I'm afraid I won't be attending. I'm paranoid I might have picked something up through (insert reason eg DH work) and I'd never forgive myself if I passed it on to aunt Frieda/ uncle George.
Then say about meeting the hearse if that is something you want to do.

Whether or not you go wouldn't depend for me on how well you knew the deceased person but how much your presence will be appreciated by the people who did know them well. If people are likely to be very upset and need your support I'd be more inclined to take the risk. If not less so.

Thanks all. I’ll have a re think and decide by tomorrow so I can let anyone know!

I don’t feel I’d make a huge difference there in all honesty. There will be people there I don’t really know! The wife will have some of her family there I assume, but I’ve never met them plus some of mine! Their children and Grandchildren etc. These are people I haven’t seen in a long time (apart from to grandpas funeral where we barely spoke as we just don’t know each other) so don’t feel comfortable around them. Plus a few of my family. Not all my siblings are going either! The youngest ones aren’t anyway! I assume they chose the older ones.

I’m in two minds. Not wanting to let them down but not wanting to struggle with my own issues either.

Usually in a situation I’d struggle with dh would come with me for support. But obviously he cannot come or anything.

I think that the easiest way around this would be to phone up 3 days or so before the funeral and explain that you have a sore throat and are feeling a bit under the weather. You are therefore concerned you may be going down with something that may or may not be COVID and in the circumstances think it is safest all round not to go - especially with elderly relatives being there. You thought it was better to say so at once as they might then have a chance to invite someone else who might want to come but not have made the top 30.

All very polite and reasonable and does give time for someone to take your place.

From reading this thread it sounds as if your social anxiety is the main problem. Probably better to send your apologies now and then you can stop worrying.X

Is it being broadcast on zoom? Numbers are limited to 30 or less so maybe offer to give up your spot and watch remotely.