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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think friend is in competition with me?

73 replies

VeronicaHarmonica · 01/02/2021 14:07

Maybe it’s just in my head.

I sold my house and moved in with a family member as housing market was closed for quite a few months. Then when I finally got a house it ended up being 4 bedrooms. No intension of this and was looking for 3 it just happened I found this one within budget (live up north so much cheaper).

Friend all of sudden decided to move and wouldn’t consider anything less than 4. She did end up buying this too.

I bought a new car (had a terrible one before the where the window wouldn’t even work) and she had the better car. Then when I got a new one all she’s done is go on about buying a Range Rover. Never mentioned new car until I got mine.

I lightened my hair colour and then she did to the exact same shade.

I talked about getting a new job and then she’s left hers and got a new one.

When I’ve come over to her (when restrictions allowed) her boyfriend would be in the kitchen constantly cooking for us and making us drinks.

Thing is on paper she definitely has a better life than I do. She earns more, has a partner, slimmer and better looking. Obviously I can’t say whether she’s happy as I’m not her.

Just sometimes feels like whatever I do for myself she has to do one better.

OP posts:

Fanacker1 · 01/02/2021 14:32

She sounds very insecure. I assume you are on your own OP and achieving this all yourself? She could also be jealous.

I suspect somewhere deep seated she needs to do these things to make herself feel better. Keep yr plans close to your chest. IME people who do this are quite insecure. I had a friend like this many yrs ago. On my wedding day she asked if she could take a photo of me holding her newborn baby before i left for the venue. I obliged, thought it a lovely memory to capture. I found out yrs later she had just fed her baby and fully expected him to bring milk back up... all over my wedding dress ruining it and my day! Her ex friend told me as it had weighed heavily on her that she knew that as she also attended my wedding. I was gobsmacked. I look back now and she copied everything i did, only i did it first/better. She also stalked my social media and decorated her hse exactly as i had mine. Not saying yr friend would do anything so cruel /crazy. But, just be careful.

visitorfromtheplanetzog · 01/02/2021 14:48

You probably need to tell her that you've booked a 3-week holiday in Dubai in July, and that you are currently looking at designs for your new tattoo.

igivein · 01/02/2021 14:57

@visitorfromtheplanetzog

You probably need to tell her that you've booked a 3-week holiday in Dubai in July, and that you are currently looking at designs for your new tattoo.

No, you need to tell her you're going to Tenerife, then she can book for Elevenerife (I'll get my coat...)

suspiria777 · 01/02/2021 15:12

Sounds like you're the one keeping track of how well she measures up to you...

Original poster

VeronicaHarmonica · 01/02/2021 15:20

Sounds like you're the one keeping track of how well she measures up to you...

I personally wouldn’t say that 🤷‍♀️. I’m definitely the underdog because that’s just facts. I’ve never asked her what her salary is etc, (don’t think I’ve ever asked anyone that) she just tells me herself.

I wouldn’t try and be better than anyone but myself because it’s just lose lose and what would it actually achieve.

Bit of you could elaborate rather than just putting “......,” I’d be able to see your understanding of it more.

OP posts:

peboh · 01/02/2021 15:23

It's a hard one because I think depending on age, often when you're at the same age these things do tend to happen at the same time for friendship groups.

peboh · 01/02/2021 15:25

also what does her boyfriend cooking and doing drinks have to do with anything?
Pre covid my husband was always doing that when I had my friends around, I've never taken that as completion or showy in anyway and I'd hope my friends don't either.

Gliblet · 01/02/2021 15:29

@visitorfromtheplanetzog

You probably need to tell her that you've booked a 3-week holiday in Dubai in July, and that you are currently looking at designs for your new tattoo.

Naturally you'll need to make sure you leave enough time between getting the tattoo and flying to Dubai so that you can swim. Also to let the purple dye settle properly in your hair and give your new pet cats (all six of them) settle in...

Doesn't sound like she's doing better to me, sounds like she's just copying. There are so many things that could be going on with her - from your point of view the important thing is to work out how much this bothers you, and how bothered you can be to deal with it.

You could carry on as you are, making decisions that suit you and letting her blow money on things that she may or may not actually want in order to copy you.

Or...

You could start asking her what type of (insert object of desire here) she would buy/choose, then make your choice and see if she still ends up with exactly the same thing as you and ask her what changed?

sueelleker · 01/02/2021 15:33

Mention something you actually have no intention of doing, and see if she gets there first.

Completelyunassertive · 01/02/2021 15:35

I don't know really; moving house, changing jobs, getting a new car, getting hair done are all standard things the people do. It might just be by chance that the times she's done these things have co-ordinated with the times you've done them too.

Pukkatea · 01/02/2021 15:36

If I was being kind I would say that you were inspiring/motivating her to go after things she sees you have and admires.

Original poster

VeronicaHarmonica · 01/02/2021 15:50

@Completelyunassertive

I understand that. I think it’s the way she goes about it.

I finally got my house and she asked how many bedrooms it was. Next thing I know is she’s now decided to move house and she’s only looking at 4 bedroom properties (she previously lived in a 2 bed same as me). She’d never mentioned thinking of moving before this.

The car she saw when I picked her up and she said “oh I want a new car now”. Then she does keep mentioning what type of car they plan on getting (maybe can’t afford it right now with the move.)

The hair - she sent me the same photo as the exact shade I was going for (which she had already seen as I asked her opinion.)

OP posts:

Fanacker1 · 01/02/2021 15:57

I wonder if OP is actually the friend? I wonder if if the OP is actually the one doing all the copying?

OP's reply to @VeronicaHarmonica is a bit too probing and defensive?

Op says "I’m definitely the underdog because that’s just facts."

Op, have you low self esteem?

Op, i posted about someone trying to ruin my wedding dress and whole wedding day. That is awful for someone to orchestrate against another on any given day. People i have told have been horrified by that. You have not reacted to that at all? Strange!!

If your "friend" is doing all these things she clearly has some issues. I i were you and she were my "friend" i would block and delete and hope she finds peace in herself.
.

Fanacker1 · 01/02/2021 16:01

Sorry OP's reply to @Completelyunassertive i meant.

Fanacker1 · 01/02/2021 16:02

No, i meant @suspiria777 . Sorry!!

Greenknees · 01/02/2021 16:05

Have some fun with it. Say you are signing up for some expensive online course, or you are thinking of getting the latest iPhone, or you are going to buy a TV X inches bigger than hers, you’ve started collecting llama ornaments- etc etc. Then sit back and wait for her to part with her cash.

Fanacker1 · 01/02/2021 16:06

"Bit of you could elaborate rather than just putting “......,” I’d be able to see your understanding of it more."

Who said that on this thread OP?

Bumblebee1980a · 01/02/2021 16:08

I had this too and it bugged me immensely. I remember her once saying to me that woman over 30 shouldn't have long hair (I have long brown hair). That was one of many things. She copied my car too.

Whenever anything good happened she would put it down.

Can I ask how her boyfriend cooking and making drinks is relevant? My partner does the same when we have visitors (pre-covid).

Original poster

VeronicaHarmonica · 01/02/2021 16:15

Bit of you could elaborate rather than just putting “......,” I’d be able to see your understanding of it more."

Who said that on this thread OP?

Not to be rude but this thread is hardly at 900 posts .. you could just see for yourself who I responded to and I’m not sure why it even matters?

And so I didn’t personally react to your story I’ve now posted a reverse thread with self esteem issues. I don’t have self esteem issues ... I do feel I could personally be doing better for myself but that’s on me and motivation is very lacking after last year.

This is a forum of discussion, just because you decide to post doesn’t negate that you have to have a response. I regularly use a discord and sometimes no one engages with what I’ve said - I don’t take it personally because I don’t think my post takes precedence over anyone else’s. Sorry but your reaction is very odd.

OP posts:

Original poster

VeronicaHarmonica · 01/02/2021 16:18

Can I ask how her boyfriend cooking and making drinks is relevant? My partner does the same when we have visitors (pre-covid).

Oh perhaps I am being unreasonable regarding this and it’s probably very irrelevant. I’ll take that point back - it’s definitely ok for peoples partner to be helpful and do nice things for them and their friends

OP posts:

Fanacker1 · 01/02/2021 16:35

@VeronicaHarmonica i have re read the thread and still cannot see who you have quoted.

No, you do not have to reply. I just find it interesting that you have replied/reply to a poster/s who challenge you.

I have merely replied to your thread based on a similar experience. I was telling you about my nut job of a friend and how it escalated without me realising. I just assumed that as a recipient of similar behaviour, my post may have struck a chord with you. Anyway, as that friend was clearly nuts i have ignored her since 2003. Does that help.

Fanacker1 · 01/02/2021 16:43

"Can I ask how her boyfriend cooking and making drinks is relevant? My partner does the same when we have visitors (pre-covid).
Oh perhaps I am being unreasonable regarding this and it’s probably very irrelevant. I’ll take that point back - it’s definitely ok for peoples partner to be helpful and do nice things for them and their friends "

Yes Op, this is very normal. This is what healthy partnerships looks like.

NotFabulousDarling · 01/02/2021 16:46

@Fanacker1 she quoted the person above her comment about it. It was literally the comment right above. And she doesn't owe you a reply about your tale about your wedding dress. Why are you trying to derail the thread?

OP please please tell her you just got a tattoo and see what happens!

Bumblebee1980a · 01/02/2021 16:47

@VeronicaHarmonica

Can I ask how her boyfriend cooking and making drinks is relevant? My partner does the same when we have visitors (pre-covid).

I don't think you're being unreasonable, just wondered that's all :)

NotFabulousDarling · 01/02/2021 16:47

@Fanacker1 posting 7 times on a thread of 22 comments (at the time of your last post) is bizarre. You have 1/3 of the comments on this thread to that point. And it's not your thread.

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