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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friend is in competition with me?

73 replies

VeronicaHarmonica · 01/02/2021 14:07

Maybe it’s just in my head.

I sold my house and moved in with a family member as housing market was closed for quite a few months. Then when I finally got a house it ended up being 4 bedrooms. No intension of this and was looking for 3 it just happened I found this one within budget (live up north so much cheaper).

Friend all of sudden decided to move and wouldn’t consider anything less than 4. She did end up buying this too.

I bought a new car (had a terrible one before the where the window wouldn’t even work) and she had the better car. Then when I got a new one all she’s done is go on about buying a Range Rover. Never mentioned new car until I got mine.

I lightened my hair colour and then she did to the exact same shade.

I talked about getting a new job and then she’s left hers and got a new one.

When I’ve come over to her (when restrictions allowed) her boyfriend would be in the kitchen constantly cooking for us and making us drinks.

Thing is on paper she definitely has a better life than I do. She earns more, has a partner, slimmer and better looking. Obviously I can’t say whether she’s happy as I’m not her.

Just sometimes feels like whatever I do for myself she has to do one better.

OP posts:
Santaiscovidfree · 01/02/2021 16:48

Upload a picture of the tattoo you have set your heart on....

CakeRequired · 01/02/2021 16:56

@visitorfromtheplanetzog

You probably need to tell her that you've booked a 3-week holiday in Dubai in July, and that you are currently looking at designs for your new tattoo.
This. Come on why wouldn't you mess with someone who is blatantly copying you? It's just funny. It's their own fault if they copy you, should have a bit of imagination.
KindnessCrusader · 01/02/2021 16:56

@Fanacker1 you're being unkind. That story IS crazy but this thread isn't about that.

Original poster
VeronicaHarmonica · 01/02/2021 17:10

@Fanacker1 I didn’t relate to your story sorry as it seemed like your friend was trying to sabotage you.

I don’t think my friend is trying to do this to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeronicaHarmonica · 01/02/2021 17:12

But anyway ... thank you all for your replies. I will probably (I already try to now anyway) keep certain things private.

I have genuinely always wanted blue hair though Grin

OP posts:
ekidmxcl · 01/02/2021 17:13

I’d phase her out.

thevassal · 01/02/2021 17:27

@Completelyunassertive

I don't know really; moving house, changing jobs, getting a new car, getting hair done are all standard things the people do. It might just be by chance that the times she's done these things have co-ordinated with the times you've done them too.
I thought this too tbh. The only one that stands out to me is the haircut but even then unless you dyed your hair bright pink, it's not really unusual that two women of a similar age and lifestyle would go for the same popular style..

You mention the car but then she hasn't even bought a car yet, just talked about it. It's fairly normal to see a friend get something nice and want something similar and from the sounds of it she can afford it.

I know you've now acknowledged it but I really can't see how the 'boyfriend making drinks' thing ties in with anything else you've said at all? How was that supposed to prove/support your point? Genuinely not being arsey here, just confused!

Dunno, to me none of the examples you've given sound extreme enough to really confirm that she's in competition with you, and tbh, so what if she is? The fact that she a) cares enough to bother competing and b) admires your choices enough to copy suggests you're "winning" if she is....Until you both turn up at the same event in the same car, with the same hairstyle, and wearing exactly the same outfit (and lets face it that won't happen for a while!) is it really having any impact on you?

Newgirls · 01/02/2021 17:32

I had this with a ‘friend’ and the thing that bugged me was she wouldn’t say ‘oh we booked that holiday cos you mentioned it, thanks for the tip’ etc shed just do it and be a bit secretive? This person did loads of things from buying same coat, to going to same places etc it got weird. It is a compliment but also not sure it’s a very balanced friendship? I let that one go!

Fanacker1 · 01/02/2021 17:47

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Noranorav · 01/02/2021 18:08

The op has withdrawn the comment about partners cooking, based on everyone's comments.

It sounds annoying, and yes if this is a repeated pattern, it probably is a Thing (your friend may not consciously be aware of though). We have 2 male friends that are like that with each other, neither can see it but they have to out do each other, cars, houses, buying stuff. It's hilarious and they're oblivious!

Fanacker1 · 01/02/2021 18:14

@Noranorav

All of OP's comments are still on thread.

hulahooper2 · 01/02/2021 18:35

I had a friend like that too but have drifted apart , bought same sofa , fridge , car then house . Don’t think it was from envy , just think they didn’t have a mind of their own.

Damfino · 01/02/2021 18:50

@Fanacker1

For goodness sake RTFT, you're embarrassing yourself.

To spell it out to you the OP replied about the partner cooking at 16:18:36

Chocolateraincloud3 · 01/02/2021 18:56

Imitation is the highest form of flattery

OiAlexaShutUp · 01/02/2021 18:59

I used to work with one of these.

She decided to plan her wedding at the same time as mine. Even though she had said two weeks before announcing her engagment wedding's were a waste of money and she'd sooner have a boob job.

She turned everything I mentioned about my wedding into something about her. I stopped talking about my wedding in work in the end.

I got married. She ended up dumping her fella for a married man from work. After losing £10k on the cancelled wedding.

OiAlexaShutUp · 01/02/2021 19:00

AFIK, she didn't get a boob job either.

Fanacker1 · 01/02/2021 19:15

@Damfino because Op interprets her friends' DH as doing this as odd.

" Can I ask how her boyfriend cooking and making drinks is relevant? My partner does the same when we have visitors (pre-covid).

OP replies : " Oh perhaps I am being unreasonable regarding this and it’s probably very irrelevant. I’ll take that point back - it’s definitely ok for peoples partner to be helpful and do nice things for them and their friends".

@Damfino it is quite normal for peoples husbands to do this. That is why many posters have challenged that remark on this thread.

Jeez, i bet you miss a lot of buses. Make yourself a coffee and smell it.

Fanacker1 · 01/02/2021 19:22

This reply has been deleted

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44PumpLane · 01/02/2021 19:44

I honestly can't imagine that uosizing from a 2 bed to a 4 bed property could be done on a whim just to copy a mate.... This sounds a bit far fetched/coincidental to me!

I think it's very normal for friends at similar life stages to go through major life events at similar times.

Perhaps she was quite happy in her 2 bed but knew that at some point they would upgrade to a 4 bed, perhaps when you got your 4 bed she realised that actually if you coiod maybe she could afford it at the munte too. Or maybe she was wandering down the high street and saw a picture in an estate agents window and fell in love.

There are many reasons I couod think of why someone would buy a 4 bed house not long after their friend had..... And none of those reasons would be "to copy".

Again with the car.

She might be copying you but I'd need more to go on...... I like the idea of dropping that you've booked Dubai for next year, or a 3 star cruise and if she one ups you immediately then you'll know for sure at least!!

peboh · 01/02/2021 19:51

@44PumpLane

I honestly can't imagine that uosizing from a 2 bed to a 4 bed property could be done on a whim just to copy a mate.... This sounds a bit far fetched/coincidental to me!

I think it's very normal for friends at similar life stages to go through major life events at similar times.

Perhaps she was quite happy in her 2 bed but knew that at some point they would upgrade to a 4 bed, perhaps when you got your 4 bed she realised that actually if you coiod maybe she could afford it at the munte too. Or maybe she was wandering down the high street and saw a picture in an estate agents window and fell in love.

There are many reasons I couod think of why someone would buy a 4 bed house not long after their friend had..... And none of those reasons would be "to copy".

Again with the car.

She might be copying you but I'd need more to go on...... I like the idea of dropping that you've booked Dubai for next year, or a 3 star cruise and if she one ups you immediately then you'll know for sure at least!!

I absolutely agree with this. A lot of time and energy goes into finding a new home. Unless you're extremely financially comfortable and a cash buyer you can't usually just say 'okay I want a four bed tomorrow' it's more than likely something she had been thinking about and preparing for for a while. Same with buying a car. I think it's just coincidental that these things appear to be happening after you.
wonble · 01/02/2021 19:57

It's a hard one because I think depending on age, often when you're at the same age these things do tend to happen at the same time for friendship groups.

Yes in my circle everyone got married, had babies, 2nd babies, moved house at the same time.

2 friends moved out of London last year & their photos make me want to join them. If I did it's not intentional copying but maybe being influenced?

wonble · 01/02/2021 20:00

Yes I agree the haircut stands out.

katy1213 · 01/02/2021 20:00

You sound the one who's insecure. If you'd moved to a 12 bedroom mansion and bought a Rolls Royce and she'd followed suit - okay, maybe you'd have a point. But everything that you've mentioned is bog-standard life changes that friends tend to do at much the same stage of their lives. As for your hair ... did you dye it emerald green?
Anyway, what does it matter? She's got a four-bedroomed house - so have you. Does it detract from your enjoyment to know someone else has the same?
If your friend's chap is serving drinks and dinner, I can only suggest that you invite them around for caviare nibbles at your candlelit soirée.

peboh · 01/02/2021 20:01

@wonble I think influenced is a good word to use.
I wouldn't see that as competition, or copying. You see your friends making certain lifestyle changes, and often it makes you take stock of your own and go 'oh well maybe I'd like that' or it could be the complete opposite.
I was the first to get married in my friendship group, and within two years we had a further 4 weddings. I didn't assume they were in competition with me. We all just started moving on that journey around a similar time.

GeorgeMichaelsEspadrille · 01/02/2021 20:03

@fanacker1 .... aaand breathe......

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