Not enjoying being a parent

[Crabby12345]

I don’t know why I’m posting, maybe just to get some advice. I have a 5 year old and 2 year old who never sleep.
The 5 year old is up multiple times a night, for a wee, scared of dark, for a chat. The list goes on. I’m regularly up 2-3 times a night with her and up for the day for 5am. I also have a 2 year old who doesn’t sleep. To say she is hard work is an understatement. She is slap bang in the terrible twos and the days are a battle and with homeschooling my eldest, trying to work part time and looking after her I feel like I’m at the end of my tether.
I feel absolutely awful saying it, but I don’t enjoy being a mum to either of them at the moment. I’m forever stressed, the house is a mess and to top it all I can’t even get a bit of sleep in the night. My partner works a high pressure job and helps where he can and gets up with them in the night but with them in and out of bed and in our room they wake me up even when he is dealing with them. I write this at 6am having been awake since 3.45 trying to get the youngest to sleep with the eldest keeps popping in. I’m ashamed to say I lost it at one point and shouted at her to go to her bed. I don’t know if anyone has been in this situation and has any coping methods? Making up for sleep in the day is not an option as I have to home school and look after the youngest and obviously school and pre school and both off the table at the moment. I feel so miserable and can’t go on like this.

That sounds so hard. Mine are a lot more grown up and I have different reasons I am not enjoying being a parent.Someone else will have good advice for you, but I can certainly sympathise.

Strong coffee and hugs from me xx

Don't want to read and run OP but you have my sympathy. It's a hard time at the moment for everyone. You will get through this. Don't have specific advice as now have a teen and have erased the toddler years from memory!

Am sure someone will come along to give you some advice

But in the meantime a hug.

I would move DH into the single bed and have them both in the big bed for a couple of weeks so you can catch up on sleep. Sleep deprivation makes a hard day ten times harder. I would also be taking them out for a long walk, even in the cold and rain, to burn off some of this night time energy. And coffee of course. Massive sympathies, it is shit for a while but your darkest days are now!

It’s so shitty at the moment isn’t it!
Why can’t your youngest go to preschool I think you called it? Are you somewhere they have closed? Of not, send them in!!!!

I would second the getting them out daily for a huge every blow out

Caning time before bed. By 5 I would expect my kid to wake in the night and not come and interrupt my sleep- have they got a night light? Put a book next to their bed or something to keep them busy? Rewards in morning for staying in room?

At 5 do they need proper homeschooling? I would do an hour a day of maths and English and then have fun!

No wonder you are not enjoying yourself.
You need sleep! You can cope with most stuff if you are rested.
You need to fix this problem urgently.
Five year old I would use bribery. Star chart, get 7stars for staying in bed get a present.
Two year old if she gets up she gets put back, no matter how many times she gets up. No talking, no attention, no food or drink just kindly 'it's bedtime' place back in bed as many times as it takes. You and DH work as a team. Maybe he could take a couple of days off work while you both deal with it.
It's just got to be shut down. You will probably find she is better in the day if she sleeps.
Sleep needs to be the priority here. Frazzled mums need sleep!
Imagine 5 year old will improve if 2 year old does.
I hope things get dramatically better.

Thank you for your replies.
I take them both out for a walk every day. It’s difficult with the youngest as she screams in the pram and then when we walk she won’t hold my hand and refuses to go on reins. She will sit on the ground until I pick her up. My eldest will be scooting or riding his bike ahead and I cannot keep an eye on both. A few days ago I was trying to coax my youngest to move and a passerby said to me ‘aren’t you going to keep an eye on your DD on her bike as she’s approaching a road (she always knows to stop) and I honestly felt like crying. We have a 4 bed house, however the 4th bedroom is a box room and is currently being used as an office for my husband as he’s working from home so there’s no space to put a spare bed in there. Most nights I sleep on the floor of one of the children’s rooms as the youngest will not sleep without me holding her hand (she just gets out the bed if I leave when she’s not sleeping so I don’t even know how to start sleep training as it’s just an endless game of in and out the bed).
I just feel like such a crap mum, I’m very shouty at the moment and have at times made my eldest cry when I have shouted at her. The two children argue constantly with the youngest biting and scratching the eldest so I can’t leave them for a second to get a break (plus the eldest will run about looking for where mummy has gone) and with lockdown I feel everything is massively intensified.

Youngest was due to start pre school in January, however with everything that’s going on an due to the low numbers of staff they have asked to defer her place until April.

Agree with everyone. Sleep will make everything better.

5yold needs star chart/rewards/gro clock. More than old enough to understand.

2yold back to bed technique.

No more coming in to your bed because it disturbs whichever one of you is supposed to be sleeping.

Hope it gets better soon.

Just read your update.
I just had to break the hand hold thing with my 2yold. Back to bed technique. Took me a hour the first two nights and then he's been fine since. It's only been a week of fine so hope it sticks. He gets reward stickers but I'm not convinced he understands. Hasn't stopped night waking but at least I get to be downstairs by 7:30 instead of 9.

Don’t feel bad OP. I was fine with the baby stage, I really didn’t enjoy from 2 till about 8 but like it a lot more now that DS is in high school. I was always rubbish at playing and such, I didn’t really ‘play’ much when I was a child myself. I much preferred reading, writing and colouring. My Mum swears blind that parents were never respected to play with their children when she was raising us, and in our experiences that was true. I think a lot more is expected, particularly of mothers.

And please, NEVER underestimate the effect that lack of sleep has on your happiness and general well-being. It’s a very big deal. Also, if you tend towards introversion like I do, having alone time to recharge is crucial and it’s nigh on impossible at the moment.

I’ll give it a try, she’s got a thing where if she wants you to do/give her something such as a snack. she will scream for it and then if that doesn’t work she will put her finger down he throat to make herself sick. We tried controlled crying a few times as she was a most appalling sleeping at around a year old and she would make herself throw up so I would have to go in and clean her up and she would get the cuddle she wanted.

*expected, not respected.

My kingdom for an edit button!

I don't have a lot to add, other than to assure you you are not alone in feeling like this.
I a 6,5,3&2 years old. I am not enjoying being a parent right now either. It will pass

We now have 3 double beds. I sleep in one, my husband in another and the kids together in one in their room. Kids sleep much better together. We go to bed at the same time as the kids and in normal times get a cleaner.

Youre better than me OP, I've given up taking my 2 year old for daily walks, he does the same and it is an absolute nightmare. I end up regretting that we left the house in the first place.

He isnr a great sleeper either (i can currently hear him in his room). What has worked for me is a Gro clock. I've taught him to only come out of the room when the clock "wakes up" (it turns from blue to yellow and can have an alarm if I want it to as well). I set it for 6:30am which is actually a lie in for him, but gradually increased it to 7am. He still wakes up super early but won't leave his room until the clock turns yellow. I bought it online at Amazon but I have seen it at Tesco.

I agree with the comments above that said if they wake up do not engage, don't put the light on and start talking.

I have a nearly one year old who doesn’t sleep and I count my lucky stars that my 3 year old does sleep so at least I’m only up with one. I’d put a stair gate on the 2 year olds door and do the put back to bed method, ask your DH to get up with the 5 year old so you can concentrate on that. Then address it with the 5 year olds through a reward chart or similar; perhaps start it by buying a new teddy which is going to “help her sleep”.

You seem to forget your the mum. You say she won’t go on the reins for instance.
If she dosent go on them then she dosent go out it’s simple.
When tired I know many give in to there children’s demands. Dont do that stand your ground and stick to your rules.

I could try a reward chart with the eldest. She already has one for behaviour as she’s so tired in the day she often doesn’t went to do her two zoom call lessons and the work that is set for them to complete following them so we do a reward chart for her is she behaves and engages in the lesson.

Yes I agree with Savannah, it's your way or no way. Stay at home if she won't behave. Reins or pushchair, or stay in and take the 5 year old out alone.
Good luck and stay strong.

@Crabby12345

I’ll give it a try, she’s got a thing where if she wants you to do/give her something such as a snack. she will scream for it and then if that doesn’t work she will put her finger down he throat to make herself sick. We tried controlled crying a few times as she was a most appalling sleeping at around a year old and she would make herself throw up so I would have to go in and clean her up and she would get the cuddle she wanted.

It sounds awful but let her make herself sick, she will stop soon when it doesn't ellicit the reaction she wants. Go in and clean up, of course, but don't interact and don't cuddle. It will be hard but you have to stand firm. Everytime she gets up, she gets put back in bed, in silence. The 5 yr old needs a firm conversation and the same policy. They get up in the night then they get put back in their room. No chatting, no cuddles etc. It's bedtime, so we sleep. They need to learn to respect your need for sleep and to learn to self soothe. At the moment you're making it worth their while. My DSis used to make herself pass out on purpose when having a tantrum, holding her breath. GP told us my parents to let her rather than running to stop her as that was what she wanted. It would only last a second before she would automatically breathe again. They're just testing boundaries so you have to draw your line in the sand.

Good luck.

I had a non sleeper, he changed at 2.5. But at 2 I could have written your post. I worked full time and cried a few times because I was so tierd at work.
We broke the hand holding and used back to bed. The midwife sleep training specialist supported us. Mines quite verbal so understood the explaining.
It was horrendous for 4 days then he got it! Now sleeps 10hour min or so times 12, still won't sodding nap, but it's much much better .
I feel like a much better mum now he sleeps and is clalmer during the day as not knackered.
Grow clocks and rewards worked for my partners elder ones when they kept getting up at 5am.
It's so so hard and I feel your pain. Ask your dh to book a few days off work and you do the same and battle this togther.
You are a great mum and it's a rubbish time, so be was on yourself x

I know it's really hard but it's actually better for the two year old if she sleeps. It's also waking everyone else and that's not on. If you have to get a bit tougher to get her to sleep it will most probably improve her behaviour the rest of the time. When you start to give in remember you are doing it for all of you.
Put her back to bed. You don't have to let her cry, she is testing the boundaries as is normal at her age and at the moment she is learning that you give in.

I imagine between yours and dh's work, trying to homeschool and keep house plus look after a toddler, your home life is quite chaotic right now.

Slow down! It's ok not to be able to do everything.

Your youngest is finding herself in the midst of a pandemic so hasn't had the normal route of socialising and parenting groups/meeting up with friends that many parents would have done.

Do you work from home or outside? If you and Dh are both working from home is there anyway of shifting some of either of yours working hours so one of you can do some in the evening while the other focuses on bedtime routine?

I would go back to the preschool and ask if they can have her even for one day a week, just to help you out until she can take up her place fully.

Create a routine which, for now, is set in stone. If you haven't achieved something within the given timeframe, move on to the next thing. It will help your little ones know what is coming next.

Parenting children who do not sleep is one of the hardest tasks ever I think, because it impacts on our sleep and then our performance during the day. Bedtime routines are a must. It was a sanity saver in our house. 'Return to bed' is a less controversial method of cry it out I think. As others have said, no light, minimal speech the first couple of times. Silence but gentle return to bed after that. We used to tuck a worn t shirt in with our youngest when they refused to sleep. The close comfort of something their parents had worn did help. Maybe sleep with one of their cuddly toys yourself for a few nights.

We also used to do bedtime story when they were tucked up in bed and put either an audio book or soothing music/sounds on a CD player. Alexa has a marvellous soothing sounds repertoire and even now our 8 year old is out like a light when we put jungle sounds on.

But most of all, be kind to yourself. As I said before, it's ok to not get everything done. Children need a lot of reassuring and right now I suspect a lot of them are picking up on their parents anxieties about stuff.

OP I really feel for you. We had the same with our 4 year old and 2 year old: 4 year old I got him a gro clock and he has a reward chart: gets a little present for 7 nights (for example a Kinder egg).

2 year old I'm afraid hasn't been so easy and I do end up bed sharing but we're working on this!

2 year old was also a nightmare with walking so she got a reward chart for walking or buggy with no picking up and that worked for her. Start slow small walk around the block then lots of praise. Never did reins so it's hand holding or buggy. If older one goes off then maybe just ask her to walk next to you instead of bike at the moment.

Right. Hit the pause button. Your eldest doesn't sleep properly and your youngest is testing boundaries and in the middle of it, you are exhausted.

Your partner needs to step up and help you to sleep.
Your homeschooling needs to go on back-burner for a few days.
You need to recognise that your five year old can sleep and get a gro clock. Be strict.
Your toddler, is a toddler, if they refuse reins then tough, they go in the pram and yes they'll scream but they do not dictate your life in this way.

There's a lot to untangle, start with a list and take it one step at a time. Get the sleep sorted first.