Not enjoying being a parent

[Crabby12345]

I don’t know why I’m posting, maybe just to get some advice. I have a 5 year old and 2 year old who never sleep.
The 5 year old is up multiple times a night, for a wee, scared of dark, for a chat. The list goes on. I’m regularly up 2-3 times a night with her and up for the day for 5am. I also have a 2 year old who doesn’t sleep. To say she is hard work is an understatement. She is slap bang in the terrible twos and the days are a battle and with homeschooling my eldest, trying to work part time and looking after her I feel like I’m at the end of my tether.
I feel absolutely awful saying it, but I don’t enjoy being a mum to either of them at the moment. I’m forever stressed, the house is a mess and to top it all I can’t even get a bit of sleep in the night. My partner works a high pressure job and helps where he can and gets up with them in the night but with them in and out of bed and in our room they wake me up even when he is dealing with them. I write this at 6am having been awake since 3.45 trying to get the youngest to sleep with the eldest keeps popping in. I’m ashamed to say I lost it at one point and shouted at her to go to her bed. I don’t know if anyone has been in this situation and has any coping methods? Making up for sleep in the day is not an option as I have to home school and look after the youngest and obviously school and pre school and both off the table at the moment. I feel so miserable and can’t go on like this.

You have my sympathy. I can remember our oldest two being like this. DS1 wasn’t well from having a bad start from birth and didn’t sleep well. He was five and a quarter before he slept every night for a week and then started to sleep most nights. DS2 slept better as a baby but was a live wire during his waking hours. He was awake at 5am every day. So I was up several times in the night with DS1 and then up for the day with DS2. When he was 18mths DH started to work away from home so he was away for two to three weeks every month. It was really hard going and we were in Scotland so DS1 didn’t go to school until he was 5 and there were no facilities for DS2 except mums and toddlers until he was over three when he could go mornings for two then three times a week.
It was really hard work and I can still remember being so tired. I can remember sticking the tv on for them( no sky etc those days) and sitting with them dozing off so aware of them but eyes closed in that half awake mode. It will pass. If DH is working from home is there any chance he could watch them for half an hour and you have a power nap for twenty minutes. Lunchtime perhaps.

DS2 is still up early for his job sometimes at work at 5am it makes me smile when he tells me that.
I can’t offer any solution but I do remember watching Supernanny telling parents to disengage when putting back to bed so going through the actions but not offering any conversation except “ It is night time.” A reward chart as well. I think it is easier if they are not her children though it did appear to work for that family I wondered if it lasted.

I did find going to bed earlier helped even if I didn’t sleep straight away I was resting. Maybe try it for a few nights a week. Good luck.

It sounds as if they are just getting their own way with it all, so you have to start being stricter with them so they don’t get their own way.

Your little one has become used to falling asleep holding your hand, so you need to break that habit. Has she got a teddy you could substitute yourself for. Don’t sleep on the floor, show her that it’s night time and you sleep in your room, she sleeps in her room. Let her make herself sick, she’s doing it for a reaction and it’s working. Don’t give her a cuddle if you get up to her, just tell her to go back to sleep and maybe just clean her up and don’t interact when you do it.

The 5 year old, bribery! Star charts, a Glo Clock, maybe a night light if she really is scared of the dark. Bribery for her zoom lessons too, for example the bike ride after she’s done them.

What I’d be inclined to try too would be relaxation/sleep music in their rooms over night. It works wonders.

As for your 2 year old being stubborn when outside. Don’t let her. Leave her home. She will soon realise she’s missing out in fun

Op massive sympathy, I have three dcs and two were like this for years. I hate that people always assume its newborns that don't sleep, at least with a newborn you can chill during the day! You are so not alone though, my 2nd child woke constantly until 4 and 3 year old just started sleeping through before Christmas. My first was a great sleeper so its nothing you are doing.

At 5 I really wouldn't worry about homeschooling, I know the UK kids start early but two of my kids only started to read etc themselves at 6/7 and they have no issues with reading or other subjects, think this is the norm in aone other countries too so really wouldn't stress about that.
I know how hard it is for you to deal with them during the day as you are completly exhausted but taking them out for fresh air really , really helps and might get them sleeping a bit better . Does the 2 year old nap? Could it be overtiredness as that can cause nightwakes too? Do they watch cartoons? In the end I had to sleep proof the sitting room and try and rest, I never slept though as my body lost the ability to nap etc.
In the end me and my dh took it in turns , so I went to a spare room (anywhere where you can set up a bed in the house out of the way) and stuck in ear plugs and had asked the dr for a mild sleeping aid called amytripline or something like that), this literally saved me as I was losing my mind after years of no sleep Its a really good sleep medication as it means you can go back to sleep really easily if disturbed and its didn't make out of it or knocked out. We had no family support etc so had to work together to try and solve it. My kids also had the magical combination of being hugely high energy and unable to sleep.. We took the out for exercise constantly as a result.
It will eventually get better op but in the meantime you have to try and get a block even 5 hours in a row will make the difference. Of course you can't enjoy anything if you are chronically over tired . I massively feel for you and hope it gets better

Get dh to stick some holiday days in. Sack off homeschooling and sleep! You need to have some good naps and then toughen up during the night. If the older one is repeatedly getting up during the night despite knowing they shouldn’t then they need to be told off. Sorry I know that’s controversial on here but it’s just being naughty. Similarly the younger one needs to not be humoured. Bed time is bed time- it’s essential for your health and theirs

I don’t say this in judgement btw- my eldest was not a sleeper and we pandered for years and just made it worse. Was much stricter with the other dc and they slept so much better. Naps are your friend right now!

You are being too nice in the night. They want you and you are there. They don’t need you, though, and this is now a habit. Find some energy and produce a star chart - literally a heading, three nights listed and draw a smily face if they only wake up once and a massive star if they stay in bed then bribe with a bar of chocolate for breakfast or something bonkers so they see it is possible.
Supernanny was good on this - you’re nit being neglectful you’re saving your sanity. Don’t be too nice, be firm.

I can only make recommendations based on what I would do if I was in your position with my DC (and I only have the one, although he's very high energy), so sorry, some of these may not be very useful to you:

• Our strategy was always to run our DS into the ground. He didn't like holding hands/reins at that age, so I took him (and still take him - he's just turned 3) to places where it is relatively safe for him to run about by himself. So our local woods or nature reserve. Anywhere where there was limited road access and where he could just run freely.

• Could you abandon the homeschooling in the morning and focus on getting the two of them out and about for most of it? Buggy for the little one, scooter/bike for the older one. Aim to be out for 2-3 hours. Bribe with chocolate buttons or another snack. Take a football and have a kick about with them in the park. Make them run races. Anything to tire them out and burn off excess energy.

• We have an mp3/cd player in my DS's room so if he won't sleep at night, I put a story on for him. If he wakes during the night and won't go back to sleep, I don't let him out of his bed but I will put another story on for him. Is your youngest still in a cot? We still haven't transitioned DS to a bed (he has a huge cot-bed) and he's never tried to climb out and likes the security of the sides so he sleeps better in it.

• If you have a garden, could you chuck them out in the garden just before it gets dark for another 20 minute run-around? We have a tiny garden but we have some pop-up football goals for it so my DS loves having a kick-about there in the afternoon. Also, climbing on the climbing frame. He also likes playing with balloons and blowing bubbles out there.

Agree with pp above about getting harsher at night. Unless he's actually distressed, my DS now gets my "cross" voice if he's up in the night without some reason. If your eldest is actually scared/anxious, could you put a ready-bed on the floor in your room so she can choose to sleep there but without disturbing you?

Thank you for all the suggestions. I do need to be tougher, I think I let they walk over me a bit. At the moment my mental health has taken a bit of a nose dive and so I usually give in to most requests as the constant whining just gets to me and when I’m tired I just don’t have the energy to fight the tantrums.
My other half does help where he can, however he is pretty stressed and work has been quite busy still. He helps look after the little one when my eldest is on the class call but afterwards it’s a juggle trying to get the youngest to amuse themselves whilst she completes the work that was set on the call. He is also on calls for most of the day and can’t take any leave atm which is annoying: I’m going to put a plan of action in place for sleeping for tonight and I’m hoping that will be a big step towards improvement in all areas!
Bloody just my luck, on top of the bad nights sleep the tumble dryer has just packed in!

You can do it op, just remember you might be a bit more tired before you get there but make your plan and stay strong. It will actually be better for all of you.
Good luck xXx

Oh sending so much sympathy, I was exactly the same as you (mine are a few years older now). I saw every hour on the clock for months / years and in the day it felt like I was living underwater, sometimes my vision even ghosted as my brain couldn’t catch up. I was so shouty and impatient and felt like a really shit mum.

I have to confess for some time we ended up with the youngest in with me and my husband on a mattress on the floor in her bedroom. Just to get me some sleep and back on a more even keel.

Then we did this, telling them this was what was going to happen - settling them down, staying for 5 minutes, then popping our heads in after 5 minutes, then 10, then 15 etc. With a reward chart for not calling out or getting up.

It took time but it helped. It’s never been perfect as they’re kids and sometimes they are going to want a little reassurance. But it’s been a lot better.

My husband also gave me a lie in (ie an hour after the kids woke up while he did breakfast etc) and at weekends so I could catch up.

Sending a LOT of love and support as I know how tough this is. If it helps with the guilt - I was in therapy at the time for other stuff and often said to my therapist that I felt a shit mum for being shouty - she always smiled and said show me a mum of young kids who isn’t tired and shouty sometimes! X

Do you have a garden at all? I get the fear of going out with the two of them - I'm the same!

We do lots of garden play as it's fenced in and I know at least neither of them can take off anywhere.

Otherwise/as well, could you and DH take each of them out individually? So you take the older one scooting for an hour, then he practises teaching the younger one to walk properly?

I agree the sleep thing is paramount and if you could get that cracked then everyone's mood would definitely improve! You've had some good suggestions for that.

It sounds really hard. You shouldn't feel bad for saying that it's not enjoyable just now. I don't think anyone would enjoy what you describe. Self-compassion for parents by Susan Pollak is a great book.

I felt the same before my youngest started finally sleeping through the night. I'm afraid the only coping mechanism is sleep IME. Everything about my outlook changed once I started getting sleep. I'm actually amazed at the difference. After three years of disliking parenting I'm finally enjoying it somewhat and the only difference is sleep. It's so so important.

Try any and all methods. Bribe the 5 year old. Do a reward chart. Get her a night light, no drinks before bed. Hire a sleep consultant for them or even put a bed for them in your room if needs be - anything at all to get them/you to sleep. Even if you manage two or three full nights per week it will make a MASSIVE difference to how you're feeling.

Hope things improve soon OP

OP,
It sounds like you are in hell.
An extended period of little sleep is horrendous.

Unfortunately I do think you have to get A LOT tougher.

You need to make it very clear to the 5 year old that mummy is not getting enough sleep and is very tired.

There is no way I would entertain for a minute a child coming in for a chat in the middle of the night.

Utterly ridiculous.

Next time it happens you need to be cross and send her straight back to bed.

Absolutely no chat, no smiles, nothing. Straight back to bed.

Let the 2 year old get sick.
Clean her up and again ignore and straight back into bed.

Sleep is crucial.
You need to protect you mental health at all costs.
You will become ill on so little.

Your family need you well.

If that means you are tough at night, so be it.

5 year old at school.
1 hour is more than enough.
Take a few days off if it helps you.

Don't worry about the house and be kind to yourself.
You are doing a great job

YANBU. I’d be at absolute rock bottom too, OP. That sounds horrendous.

We sleep trained our DS using gentle controlled crying at 7 months because he woke 6 times a night and was awake crying from 10.30pm- midnight, needing to be rocked to sleep each time- I thought I was going to have a breakdown.

Could you afford to pay a sleep consultant to get a proper personalised plan? If you DM me I’ll give you the name of the miracle worker we used.

Do consider it. You can’t carry on like this, and you don’t have to.

Also, a good piece of advice a friend told me about parenting small children is that you can break any habit in three days.

Your five year old is old enough to be told what is happening and to have it explained and understood. Sleep training does work (our DS slept through the night from night three) but with children aged 5 you may not need it. Just tell them they cannot come in to you at night anymore. Ensure your doors are safely locked and explain unless it’s an emergency they cannot wake you as you are becoming ill with this.

By doors I mean front and back doors, not bedroom doors!

I'm going to say the opposite and I don't think it's your fault.
It's a hard time right now and being stricter with them seems really harsh. Their whole worlds are upside down too and they probably need more comfort than normal.
It does sound really tough, look after yourself. Whatever you need to do to get sleep is okay.
My 5yo is hard work at the moment too and I know he's overwhelmed. I also have a 4mo so it is tiring.

It's pretty shit, innit?!
Sympathies

Just coming back to update on last night, I spoke to my eldest and said to her that unless there is an emergence, that she must not wake mummy and daddy in the night. I left the landing light on all night so she wouldn’t be scared to go to the toilet and moved the Alexa into her room to play a bedtime story to her so I wouldn’t need to wait on her bedroom floor whilst she goes to sleep. I also set the gro clock up in her room (hadn’t used it for years as it wasn’t successful the first time around). It was a success and she went twice to the toilet in the night on her own and when I woke at half 6 to have a shower she was waiting in bed for her clock
The youngest was a bit more challenging, I tried to stop the hand holding and go in and comfort and there was a good 45 mins of solid screaming and running out her room. She finally went down without being sick and only woke up once in the night. I went in and just tucked her in and said it’s bedtime and she went back to sleep until 7 this morning. We will see how tonight pans out but it was definitely a vast improvement last night and I managed to get a bit of unbroken sleep as I ended up falling asleep at half 8 last night!

Incredible result OP.
So pleased to read this.

I want to emphasis that what you are doing is for their good and the good of the family as a whole.

This is a very difficult time for everyone but sleep is crucial.

Crucial for you, but crucial for children too.
Everything is more manageable after a nights sleep.

Kudos to you for finding the strength from somewhere to take on board the need for you to be firmer.

You have this.
Children need firmness and boundaries.

Good bedtime routines are the bedrock of surviving the early years.

Op amazing results. I’m sure better sleep will make everything a bit more manageable for you😘.

Don’t be surprised if they try to test the boundaries after a couple of nights so be prepared to reinforce them (eg If 5 year old starts getting up before the sun). I still use the grow clock with my 6 year old because it is a useful visual so they know roughly what time of the night it is.

Wow, fantastic! I'm so pleased for you. A pp said 3 nights to change something and I have to agree with that.
Keep going, it will be so worth it!

If you can crack the sleep it will make everything seem so much easier / better (or atleast it always made a massive difference for me).

Agree with PP definitely need to put some sleep training / reward charts in place. Eldest is old enough to have rules layed down and expectations. Then ask them what they would like (a sticker chart / reward pot etc) so they feel in control.

Youngest I would try gentle sleep training (I’m not a fan of CC, but each to their own).

Sorry just seen your reply! Amazing work mummy! You have got this 🥰