How do you and OH split ‘chores’

[Iamnotaosureaboutthis123]

posting on here for traffic really and opinions...

Me and DP both work, albeit I only work part time from home in an admin yet pressurising tricky at times based role. DP works full time in an office in a team leader / admin role.

We have a toddler 3 years old who attends nursery on the days I work. I then have him at home with me on the days I’m off.

In between work and looking after my DS, I also do:

Washing , cleaning , empty bins , weekly shop , dishwasher , cooking , organising finances , so basically everything, I’m starting to resent my DP, and I’m starting to feel I’m being a bit snappy and unkind to him, as I feel I literally do fucking everything . He leaves his empty glasses/clothes for me to pick up, waits until either the bin is overloading or for me to ask him multiple times until he empties it ( or I just do it as I simply can’t be arsed to repeat myself constantly )

Even though I do dinner every night , he leaves me to clear it all up , never offers to wash up or at least help me load or unload dishwasher

I work 3 days per week, it’s not like the other two are days off , I have a full on toddler to contend with ( whom I love very much may I add )

I’m just SICK to the back teeth of asking , repeating myself , hearing myself moan over and over .

YABU - you only work part time so should be doing those things
YANBU - he should be doing half of those things or a handful to help.

Dh and I don't split chores. We do what needs to be done and what we each have the energy to do. Sometimes he is working late so I do more, sometimes I am exhausted so he takes on more. We would struggle with a set list I think

But to answer your situation, I think he should do more

Well why are you letting him away with eating an walking away without lifting a finger, why are you doing everything? You need to tell him to pull his finger out or he can pack his bags. I hate these threads as the female just does everything and then builds up simmering resentment. Stop doing everything. Working part time doesnt equate to live in house keeper. Only you can change things...

Yeah like the poster above we just do what needs to be done. For example hes off tomorrow morning so will do some cleaning, washing and walk the dog. When he goes to work at 1pm ill go shopping, make tea and probably do more washing, then walk the dog again.

Oh and stop using the word 'help' he isn helping you. He is a partner and a joint parent. He is not helping you , he is doing what most couples do and sharing the load

I forgot to add - I’ve had multiple calm / sensible conversations asking for help, asking him to at least empty the bins dishwasher / wash up a plate without asking .

He needs to do his bit. DP tends to do most of the cooking, the shopping and most of the laundry. I do the heavy cleaning. We have a one year old and have very different working patterns (he works shifts, I work office hours 4 days a week). We split childcare equally depending on who has a day off. It works for us.
What does he do if you ask him to do specific jobs? Sometimes I need to ask DP to do certain things because he simply doesn't realise they need doing. He will do them quite happily if I ask him though

I’d not pick up his clothes etc.

If DH worked less hours I’d expect those hours to be spent doing household tasks as only fair one takes on more of the house if the other is taking on more work and finances side. Anything over those hours to be split.

We work roughly the same so it’s about 50/50.

Wow. I’m a SAHM so naturally do more simply because I’m around more but when my DH is home we both do jobs.
We’ve never decided who does what job and we don’t keep score but I suppose naturally over the years some jobs have become my jobs and some his.
Washing clothes, hanging them out and putting them away is 99% me for instance. It just sort of happened that way. The same way that on a weekend I don’t get up to make any meals - he’s better at cooking, he always does it. If he was bothered I assume he’d say something but actually I think he likes the time hidden away in the kitchen while I play with the DC.
Either of us will clean bathrooms and things but we don’t have any kind of set routine - if it’s dirty and one of us has a spare 15 minutes, we’ll do it.
Then for whatever reason we both have our quirks or things that bother us - he likes a mopped floor, it doesn’t bother me, so mostly he does it... I hate seeing dusty windows, so I clean the inside of all windows / mirrors etc... he’d just let them gather dust.

Do you never say anything? Like when he’s leaving his glasses out do you ever just say, are you going to clear up then? Does he do anything on weekends at all? Just say, I think it’s your turn to clean the bathroom today?

Write a list. Ask him to pick first what jobs he is going to do.
Take short cuts whenever possible especially at present. You can’t have guests anyway.
He needs to pick his shit up. Start leaving it or get a dumping basket. This worked for me. Everything just dumped goes in the basket. Do not wash or put away.
He has to help with the dishes or do bed routine alone.
I’ve had way to long of this fuckery.

Too long even.

We just do what needs doing, we’re both adults with fully functioning eyes and can see what needs sorting out equally well. Plus neither of us is an arse about anything ‘chore’ related.
We both work full time with 3dc, he does all the cooking and I do all the washing, I might cook if he’s not around but he loves cooking and I hate it and am shit at it, he can clean/hoover/load the dishwasher if he gets to it first, I do the same.
He sounds lazy.

So what happens when you say that from now on, the one that cooks doesn't wash up? Would he ignore you? Argue that for some reason, he's too good to clean up after himself and you're the skivvy?

He hoovers, dusts, empties dishwasher plus any diy - I clean the bathroom, do all the washing, finances and shopping. We share cooking and cleaning up after. He will generally do any tidying if he sees stuff is a mess - he’s probably tidier than me which helps! He’s hands on with the kids so we are pretty much 50:50 on that - well before home schooling!

And agree with @zigaziga weekends is not his day off. Why does he work 5 and you 7! Fuck that.

I do food shopping and meals.
DH does cleaning, hoovering, mopping.
We both do dishes and laundry although I'd say DH does more than me.
(Both work full time)

Oh and DH hates to be idle on his days off whereas I'm a 'do it later'.

I work full-time, DH 3 days like you and he looks more after our 3 year old.

DH picks up more of the daily jobs like laundry and cooking.

After dinner one of us does the bedtime routine and the other clears the table and loads the dishwasher.

Both of us do the main cleaning in the weekend. One week I will do the kitchen, downstairs bathroom and living room, DH does the upstairs bathrooms and bedrooms. We alternate weekly.

He should definitely be doing more! Have you read about the mental load?

In our house DH does all the cooking - he loves it and I hate it. I don’t take it for granted and he knows I’m thankful for it. He loved making food for people and trying new recipes, plus he bakes his own bread.
Bins - DH.
Laundry and food shopping - we split 50/50.
Other cleaning - that’s mostly me, although DH will do the kitchen. I just seem to notice the vacuuming needs doing or the sink needs a wipe over, and I’ll do it. I also do practically all of the life admin - making calls, arranging GP/dentist appointments when needed, boiler servicing etc, kids’ party invite replies and present buying, most of the kids’ clothes and shoes are bought (from the joint account) by me. I remember and sort the kids’ school-related events. I also generally suggest and book things like holidays and days out.

He isn't even doing the courteous bits (clearing his own shit away). Let alone his actual share of chores.

What was he like before you had your child?

Oh - and we both work full time. I did a bit more housework/shopping when I was part time.

He will see something needs doing and walk straight past it ( dirty mug, plate , empty crisp packets from him , dirty pants or socks on the floor ) unless I physically ask him, he will not lift a finger. Maybe that’s just the way it is.

When I got fed up with my Dp, as I felt my days off where just cleaning days, similar situation part time to full time; young children etc, we did designated rooms which were ours to tidy. I have kitchen and dining room, he has sitting room and bathroom. Works quite well.

We also split dinners. So on dp days off he cooks. My days off work I cook and days when both off work we share!

We also take turns with getting dc to bed which is just alternate nights!

The last time he cooked for me was last Valentine’s Day , and that was because I asked him to please cook me a nice meal , as he hadn’t in a while

He’s never mopped or hoovered in the 6 years we’ve been together .