How do you and OH split ‘chores’

[Iamnotaosureaboutthis123]

posting on here for traffic really and opinions...

Me and DP both work, albeit I only work part time from home in an admin yet pressurising tricky at times based role. DP works full time in an office in a team leader / admin role.

We have a toddler 3 years old who attends nursery on the days I work. I then have him at home with me on the days I’m off.

In between work and looking after my DS, I also do:

Washing , cleaning , empty bins , weekly shop , dishwasher , cooking , organising finances , so basically everything, I’m starting to resent my DP, and I’m starting to feel I’m being a bit snappy and unkind to him, as I feel I literally do fucking everything . He leaves his empty glasses/clothes for me to pick up, waits until either the bin is overloading or for me to ask him multiple times until he empties it ( or I just do it as I simply can’t be arsed to repeat myself constantly )

Even though I do dinner every night , he leaves me to clear it all up , never offers to wash up or at least help me load or unload dishwasher

I work 3 days per week, it’s not like the other two are days off , I have a full on toddler to contend with ( whom I love very much may I add )

I’m just SICK to the back teeth of asking , repeating myself , hearing myself moan over and over .

YABU - you only work part time so should be doing those things
YANBU - he should be doing half of those things or a handful to help.

He leaves his dirty underwear on the floor for you to pick up like a skivvy? A trail of food wrappers and used crockery?

Just stop. Don’t wait on him, don’t pick up after him. His behaviour is disgusting and you shouldn’t put up with it. I know I wouldn’t.

One day you will hit your limit and decide there’s more to life than this.
And he will tell everyone he knows that you divorced him because of a glass by the sink, just like that blog.
Because every time he leaves something at his arse for you to sort he’s saying
“FUCK YOU, WIFE”

“ I’m starting to feel I’m being a bit snappy and unkind to him, as I feel I literally do fucking everything”

You ARE doing everything.

Stop being kind, get extremely clear with him that he starts pulling his weight now.

Are you working part time because he’s basically dumped everything on you?

We both do a bit of everything- just varies depending on how long we are working that week and who is tired, what we enjoy doing and what we are good at. We do have the occasional argument about whose turn it is to do the really rubbish jobs.
The idea of your OH “ helping” with the chores is akin to “babysitting” your own children. You are in this together and you need to have a discussion about sharing the load

So you are the house skivvy and have been for years.

Why have you so little respect for yourself that you would do this and then have a child with a lazy tosser?

Stop doing laundry.
Stop cooking for him.
Stop doing ANY shopping for him.
Leave his mess where it is.
Sort out your contraception because one child is enough to have with a lazy loser.

Have a good hard think about whzt you want from your life.

You deserve better than him.
He has a food made out of you.

Protect yourself.

Fool!

Wow. Are we married to the same man, OP? I am in an identical situation except I work 4 days a week. I find myself getting really shirty with him and telling him off for stuff and it erodes the affection in our relationship. Sex life has suffered as a result. Ugh, it’s shit. Not sure what my advice is, but you are not alone!

OP you say it feels like you do everything because it sounds like you are doing everything!

We don't have set chores but probably find one does more of certain things than the other. I do a lot of the washing but like a PP I have clothes that have to be washed a certain way & as its mine that awkward I don't think it's "fair" for DP to have to remember. HOWEVER if stuff of DPs isn't in the wash basket it doesn't get washed. I'm not traipsing around finding his dirty stuff!

Cooking is generally whoever is home 1st. I've been cooking a lot more recently as I'm WFH & so I have been able to prep stuff at lunch & I've been trying new things. If DP gets home early, he'll ask if I've got something planned & crack on with it.

I tend to be more little & often with cleaning. DP will let things wait longer then suddenly blitz the whole house so its spotless. So we both irritated each other with our cleaning habits.
So we talked & compromised he does more day to day & when he says he wants to do a blitz of x rooms / house on x Day I agree to assist & do more cleaning than I usually do.

If he sat around doing fuck all expecting me to do everything. Then after discussing our expectations nothing changed then I'd get angry & if still nothing I'd probably have to reconsider my relationship. Someone you love doesn't treat you as a skivvy.

My DH is not great but better than he was. It's annoying that I have to tell him what to do (he's said to tell him ) as the jobs aren't mine to delegate they're just jobs that need doing. I work 3 days but it's full on so I leave a list of jobs I want doing. It bugs me that an almost 40 year old adult needs to be told. But for 14 years I've had quite a few times when I've got to the point of thinking I'd rather live on my own and told him that so then he works extra hard around the house for a while. It always dwindles off but he seems to be getting a bit better. What also works is sometimes just having a sit down and leaving the dishes and sometimes they will be done. Don't be a martyr - you'll either have to keep telling him or leave him he's just lazy

I work very part time - odd hours here and there and DP works 9-5, m-f. No kids.

I walk the dog, do the laundry, put the robot hoover on, do most of the food shopping, the dishwasher and cook most meals.

DP does all DIY, sorts and pays all bills, cooks some meals, sorts all recycling, puts bins out.
He is paying a cleaner to come fortnightly.
At the weekend he tidies round generally and does some dog duties.

We both empty the bin when needed, wipe sides in kitchen etc.

He lived alone for 15 years, so he’s generally house trained and certainly much tidier than I am!

DH works full time, I do 4 days per week. He does drop-off, I do pick-up. He deals with food shopping and all cooking. I clean everything. We do our own laundry, but I do the kids too. Bathtimes/nighttimes with the kids are shared equally. We both do bills/finances. I do more with the kids. Think there's some balance there.

He’s being very disrespectful towards you. I wouldn’t wash his clothes any more, at most I’d gather up clothes he’s left on the floor and pile them somewhere.

I’d try having one last talk with him and ask that he does his bit around the house - not to help you but to do his part.

If that doesn’t work then on the days you’re home, cook and eat dinner before he gets home. Don’t pick up anything he leaves lying around. Only buy food that you like - as don’t buy something just because he likes it.

Ask yourself - why - why should you be doing it all.?

well if he has been like this through your entire relationship I am not sure what your expecting now? Every update is just telling us that he does nothing and never has. So what are you going to do about it?

Urgh my friend's dh is exactly the same. She also just lets him get away with it but moans on and on. I can't listen to it anymore.

Why are you with a man child? Did you not know what he was like before you got married? Stop letting him get away with it. Whether you have to write down a rota to start with or just stop doing his washing and cooking etc stop being his maid.

Dh just does what needs doing. He takes out bins, cleans the kitchen every evening, mops floors, puts a load on if necessary, dusts, hoovers, sorts the garden. I do the cooking, shopping, clean the bathrooms, sort the kids bedrooms, change sheets, do most reorganisation/decluttering, washing, ironing etc.

I’ve found it most effective to decide between us what our jobs are and stick to them.

DH hoovers the whole house once a week, takes the bins out, fully cleans the kitchen once a week and cleans the bathroom. He does this at the weekend and I don’t need to remind him.
He also does the shopping, but I do the list.

I do the laundry, clean the en-suite and do general tidying/ dusting.

We both cook and wash up/clear up kitchen throughout the week.

Before we got into this routine, I felt like I was always “asking” him to do jobs and he resented it. Now he takes responsibility for his jobs and does them all on Saturday morning.

We don't split chores up, we do what needs done. If a wash needs put on, whoever notices does it. Whoever gets home first cooks and the other usually tidies up after. If anything needs tidied or cleaned whoever sees it does it. I do not tidy up after him. I do not touch his clothes unless they have been put in the wash basket. I would not lift his dirty dished if he hadn't. They could just build up, I wouldn't care.

My DH used to be a bit like this. His Mum did everything for him and his Dad, and he genuinely didn’t see mess. He used to leave cupboard doors open, crockery and rubbish lying, dishes in the sink, didn’t push his chair in when he stood up from the table, because he was used to someone else doing it without comment. He moved into my house and as the housework had always been down to me it stayed that way. I didn’t notice at first but grew quite resentful and snappy.

When I was going back to work after mat leave I was determined things would change. I listed everything that needed to be done and we decided on a fair split that worked with our routine, and it was written down. Things are so much better since we did this and 3 years in we’ve stuck to it.

I work 4 long days, he does 5 shorter ones and DC is in nursery when I’m working.

He does nursery pick ups and drop offs. He does 90% of the cooking, bins, cat litter, bottle bank, gardening.

I do the cleaning and laundry, but with the understanding that if I’m running behind or it’s a buy week I can ask him to take on some bits eg run the vacuum over or bring the washing in. I spend an hour or two on a Saturday morning on the main clean while he takes out/entertains DC so I can do it in peace.

I do the main food shop once or twice a month, he does any top up shops. Meal planning we do together.

Most of the life admin is me although he is responsible for sorting any tradesman we need.

The person who is cooked for cleans up. Always.

DH is naturally very messy. I’ve stopped getting irritated when he leaves something out and instead just calmly ask him to move it. He’s much more aware of it now and is definitely getting tidier. Explaining to him one day that anything placed on the bottom stair was to go upstairs was revolutionary. He does it now instead of walking straight past. Previously I’d get irritated that it was always left and eventually snap at him about it, but explaining calmly like he was a child made a difference. I’m not defending him, it is a bit ridiculous that a grown intelligent man with a good job couldn’t work this out himself, but some people do need a bit of training while some of us can easily see what needs done.

I think you need to have a proper chat with him and agree some rules that work for your household. If he isn’t willing to make some changes though there isn’t much else you can do. It would show quite a lack of respect for you and I’d be questioning the relationship if that had been the case for us.

We take it in turns to at least keep up with the dishwasher and washing up (other parent does bedtime with DD). You do need to split chores more evenly! You are home more so easier for you to do a bit more but not everything

SAHM. I do most things. DH pitches in at weekends and we alternate bedtime. Bloody awesome with the kids.

He just sounds bloody lazy OP. It's not anymore complicated than that.
If you have talked to him a lot and no change has been made I do t know what more you can do?
Go on strike?
Couples counselling?
Take a break?

Talk to him again. Go with the angle that he's a grown man. He has to pitch in because that's just what grown ups do. Tell him you think he's lazy and it's very unattractive. It's building resentment. And reiterate that he's a bloody grown up!!

DH and I both wfh, both in similar professional roles, me 3.5 days and him 4.5 days. We have a 3yo, she's in preschool 3 days a week and I look after her 1.5 days and DH does 0.5 day. Weekends we jointly parent, although I end up doing a bit more of this as DD is a mummy's girl.

We have a cleaner once a week for 3h so daily cleaning is minimal. We've fallen into a nature rhythm of chores; I meal plan and shop and cook maybe 4 days a week, he cooks 3 days. He will always clear up the dinner things (im pregnant and tired come evening!) He takes the bins out and feeds the cats. I do all the washing but he'll put it on if I ask and have sorted it. He sorts the bills and mortgage from our joint account, I deal with savings and investments. I deal with all preschool and family admin, gifts and cards etc, he drops off DD and I pick her up. We both run the hoover around and mop when needed. He baths DD and I read to her at bedtime and put her to bed. He gets up with her on weekend mornings and let's me lay in (again, pregnant and tired v him being an early bird). I think it works pretty well. We still have niggles; he can't seem to find the laundry basket and throws dirty socks next to it...and tbh I tend to leave tea bags in the sink not the bin! But we muddle though.

The Mental Load really resonated with me - DP will do things if asked, but doesn't take much initiative himself. It results in me feeling like I'm constantly nagging or asking favours!

I feel like I take on the bulk of house work etc, and this really started after my first Mat leave when I was home all the time - it sort of became my role. Then by returning to work part time, it sort of consolidated it.

I do laundry, and general cleaning. He cooks and does all the food/household stuff shopping. if we're having a really big deep clean, we both do it.

I would not live with a man who had been asked repeatedly to take on the bare minimum of 'his half of the domestic work' and still didn't. Fuck that.

You've got three options:

1. Stop doing it all. See how long it takes him to ask why it's a shithole. Tell him it's because nobody has done it. Wait for the penny to drop (probably won't work because he's probably going to assume it's all your responsibility)
2. Tell him he steps up or you leave and mean it.
3. Accept he sees you as his live-in slave and get over it. I would and could not do that.

You're being a mug OP and I mean this in the kindest way. We women need to stop putting up with this shit and we also need to stop blaming the men for it but instead get annoyed at the women putting up with it!!

My husband does most of the cooking and cleaning up after the cooking / dishwasher etc. I do most of the general tidying and cleaning and washing. He will put clothes away when needed, hang clothes if I ask him as he doesn't notice, he sorts out putting the bins out. I take most of the mental load of shopping and organising activities. He does the gardening and allotment. Overall it works and it is mainly split based on our strengths/preferences.

About the 'men just can't see the mess' - yes they can. They just don't think it's their problem to deal with it. www.salon.com/2019/07/06/men-do-see-the-mess-they-just-arent-judged-for-it-the-way-women-are_partner/