How do you and OH split ‘chores’

[Iamnotaosureaboutthis123]

posting on here for traffic really and opinions...

Me and DP both work, albeit I only work part time from home in an admin yet pressurising tricky at times based role. DP works full time in an office in a team leader / admin role.

We have a toddler 3 years old who attends nursery on the days I work. I then have him at home with me on the days I’m off.

In between work and looking after my DS, I also do:

Washing , cleaning , empty bins , weekly shop , dishwasher , cooking , organising finances , so basically everything, I’m starting to resent my DP, and I’m starting to feel I’m being a bit snappy and unkind to him, as I feel I literally do fucking everything . He leaves his empty glasses/clothes for me to pick up, waits until either the bin is overloading or for me to ask him multiple times until he empties it ( or I just do it as I simply can’t be arsed to repeat myself constantly )

Even though I do dinner every night , he leaves me to clear it all up , never offers to wash up or at least help me load or unload dishwasher

I work 3 days per week, it’s not like the other two are days off , I have a full on toddler to contend with ( whom I love very much may I add )

I’m just SICK to the back teeth of asking , repeating myself , hearing myself moan over and over .

YABU - you only work part time so should be doing those things
YANBU - he should be doing half of those things or a handful to help.

It's flexible and we do both tend to take the lead in different areas. What matters is that neither of us sit on our bums while the other rushes round. We get equal time "off".

I work four days and he works five. I do more of looking after the kids, although it is split and at weekends we often take one each, and I do tidy/do laundry on my nonworking day. He meal plans, does the big shop and 90% of cooking, does more laundry, garden, DIY. I do more tidying, keeping the kitchen clean, taking the kids out. We have a cleaner for the heavy stuff. If one of us is busy with house stuff so is the other. Or else one of us will take a break for a bit and then we trade. We also split the homeschooling at the moment.

I do all the organising, planning, life admin and finances. I work longer hours than DH. I also do 2/3 of the cleaning and 1/2 of the washing roughly. I plan and arrange any repairs and renovations, arrange doctors, vaccinations, holidays etc. DH walks the dog, loads/unloads the dishwasher, does the rest of the cleaning and washing. He does more ironing than me too, although we share. We also share the cooking, I'm better at breakfasts and lunches, he's better at evening meals, but it depends on what we're making. We often cook together.

We have a baby on the way and we will share the responsibilities too, we'll see what's most practical. He will definitely be hands on though from the start, we're considering SPL.

You are being taken advantage of, OP, you shouldn't allow this.

He’s seriously not pulling his weight. I work part time, DH works full time and we share chores. He does most of the washing up (we don’t have a dishwasher), changing the beds once a week, cooks 2/3 times a week, general tidying. Also his fair share of child wrangling when not working. I do the rest of the cooking, the meal planning, food ordering, laundry, cleaning floors, cleaning the bathroom and all the odd jobs.

Maybe that’s just the way it is

Well, yes. Unlessn you'd rather not be a pushover.

My husband would be like this if I let him get away with it. I think you are being too nice/calm when asking him to do stuff. It's exhausting. Give him a list and be stern. Get angry. My husband is better than he used to be but sometimes forgets to clean up after himself... but I only have to ask once now because ive lost my shit a few times and he realised he had to pull his socks up.

I do more as I work part time but he will nearly always put the rubbish out, big food shop, put the washer on now and then and do his own ironing. He cooks a couple of nights as I work late and normally does the dishes then too. He sounds lazy and ignorant.

I’m a single parent, and even my dc do more than this! 12 yo clears the dishwasher on most occasions it needs doing (unless not there) and puts her clothes away, is responsible for bringing her own stuff to the kitchen, generally being considerate.

6 yo does bits and pieces when asked - tidies his room, will bring in shopping or take items to the recycling for me, occasionally helps with cooking / laying the table.

So even I have more help than you and I’m a single parent!

My exh thought his half of the housework was telling me to do things / complaining about what I hadn’t done. Exh.

If he's not doing any of it, then he's taking the piss.

DH and I, like some other posters, don't have a rota or an official list - he usually washes up, I do most of the laundry. He tends to walk the dog, I tend to do most of the gardening. He usually cooks dinner, I do any baking that's wanted/needed and make breakfast for everyone. I usually dust, he usually hoovers. I work full time, he works part time and volunteers at DS's school (when not in lockdown).

The only thing that I've had to learn to put up or shut up over is when we do all of these things. I'm a 'get it done and then relax' person, DH can happily leave things until it suits him to sort them out. If I insisted on picking up after him every time there was a cup left in the sitting room or a few bits of laundry on the bedroom floor, I'd end up doing all of it but that would be my own daft fault. That is VERY different though to knowing he won't lift a finger no matter how long its left.

I'm a SAHP and my DH works full time from home.

He does the washing up and putting away every night
He does bed time every night
He does every bath time
When he goes in a little later he gets up, does breakfast and takes DS to pre school.

Of a weekend when he's off, we are out and about together and he will cook tea sometimes (I then do the dishes) do bath time, bed time.

I do the clothes washing, I like it doing a certain way and hand wash a lot of our clothes,
I do the hoovering and general tidying
Whoever comes across a full bin empties it.
Whoever discovers a DIY job does it

If you are not happy with the sharing of chores he needs to step it up a bit, it's not fair for you to do it all.

In our house DH does cooking (I hate it), washing (he’s wfh), shopping unless it’s an online shop which I do. I do cleaning (he helps a bit) and sort out household admin. It’s just what we’ve fallen into. He gets mad that his is more spread out as he does half an hour a day I’d say whereas I spend 2 full half days cleaning so it works out time wise and when we’ve swapped jobs for the week he’s wanted to swap back.

That's shit OP

We work it roughly that we have the same amount roughly of free time. Sometimes that means one of us is knackered and sits on the couch while the other tidies up but then it balances out the next time. We both do our own washing and whatever kids stuff needs doing. Last week he hoovered and mopped the room we spend most time in. This week I hoovered the rest of the house. Generally we meal plan together, I do lists of ingredients and he buys and puts away, I cook, he clears up. I work 4 days and he works 5. But presumbaly you work 3 days to spend quality time with a toddler not because you want to do the house work. Also if you worked 5 days would he do half of the housework? I doubt it.

I think its incredibly disrespectful that he just expects you to do it all. Because you're a woman basically and he thinks his time is more important than yours. You've already spoken to him about it and he hasnt changed. So talking about it with him isnt going to do anything. Would he consider couples therapy to get an outsiders perspective on how badly this is going to affect your relationship? If not I think your last option is to leave. It's the kind of thing that sounds small scale in a day to day basis but years and years of this will grind you down until you hate him

Fuck that shit, no way would i be able to live like that.

During various maternity leaves/periods as SAHP we viewed childcare as the job for the person at home. If you got the dishwasher emptied or run the hoover round then great but neither of us expected it.

We don’t have 100% set jobs, there are ones we both naturally do more of bins and cooking for him and hoovering, dusting and bathrooms for me but it’s not set in stone.

We both live here, we both chose to have children so we both contribute.

Even my pre schoolers will put their plates on the side or in the dishwasher and they put rubbish in the bin.

We actually do have set chores.

I do - bathroom, washing/ironing, polishing, strip the bed on a Saturday

DP - hoovering/mopping, bins/recycling, makes up the bed

Cooking is split fairly evenly, and whoever doesn’t cook clears up. Whoever is passing it at the time empties the dishwasher, I tend to sweep the floors more often because they are always covered in cat hair, which DP generally doesn’t “see” or isn’t bothered by. He does all the garden stuff, and also things like washing the windows.

What is fair is both having equal leisure time.

Looking after a 3 year old doesn't leave lots of opportunity to do huge amounts of housework beyond day to day stuff and laundry.

I’d be really annoyed if I had to ask DH to do anything. When two adults live in a house and stuff needs doing, the sooner both of you get on with it the quicker you can sit down and relax together. It’s great if you have the same standards as each other. If one person doesn’t care about mess and dirt and the other one is super tidy then over the years resentment kicks in.

You say he hasn’t vacuumed or mopped in years. Unless he is extremely slovenly then I expect he wouldn’t live like that if he lived alone. Therefore he just expects you to do it and is taking advantage. Don’t stand for that OP.

In my home we both just crack on and do what is required without asking the other. If I’m clearing up after dinner, he’s bathing the kids. If he’s home before me I know he will have cooked. I’ll clean up and mop while he irons uniforms for the following day. If he is vacuuming I’ll be dusting or cleaning the bathroom etc etc. It doesn’t even need a discussion or thinking about. I have kids to nag, god knows an adult shouldn’t have to be asked to keep his own house clean and tidy.

I do all the cooking because I like it and he hates it. He does the dishwasher. We both empty bins and do laundry as and when it needs doing. I do all the food shopping and keeping the house supplied with things like cleaning products and loo roll. He organises all bills and mortgages. He tends to buy the majority of the kids clothes. He changes the beds. We both do general tidying. I tend to get up with the kids in the morning. We take one each to put them to bed.
We have a cleaner.

Why are you with him? Serious question?

My 5 year old is capable of putting her own clothes in the basket, putting her own rubbish in the bin, putting plates in the dishwasher. Embarrassing that a fully grown man expects you to do that for him

Oh yes, we have a cleaner too because neither of us want to spend our weekends doing the majority of it so in fairness there is less to do but still a lot, we clean things on a daily basis still.

I probably do more than my DH, but between us it gets done without rota, set chores etc

I wouldn't pick up glasses, mugs etc. Suggest you leave them, don't comment on it and wait for DP to tidy them away

It's disgusting that he leaves clothes on the floor for you to pick up. Suggests he regards you as a skivvy. Hugely disrespectful

These types of threads come up so often and they make my blood boil. Why do so many men seem to think it's OK to let their partners/wives/loved ones do all of the shit? It's insulting and entitled. Fuck the patriarchy.
You are DEFINITELY not being unreasonable.

I work less than DH, while he's at work I clean and stuff, then we have equal down time.

DH and I have some jobs that we are in charge of, and the other person doesn't do ever. They are things that don't need to be done every day.

Other things we split as and when depending on what needs to be done - things like cooking, washing up, hoovering, cleaning the kitchen - whoever notices/is on the spot first just tends to do it.

He is taking the absolute piss!

We share most jobs, but some things have sort of naturally split. DH sorts the bins, washes up if I cook (and visa versa), sorts the dishwasher, does the bathrooms and hoovers.

I do the ironing, most of the cooking, clean the bedrooms weekly, mop etc and do all life admin because he's forgetful and shit at that sort of thing.

These all swap about so aren't a formal list by any means. DH works full time, I work 32 hours and do the school pick up (in non plague times)