To be still grieving for breastfeeding nine months on?

[Bookishnerd]

My DS was born in April, right at the heart of the first lockdown. I'm a FTM and was desperate to breastfeed.

A clusterf**k of things went wrong - firstly, he had to be helped out with forceps, which made him dopey and he struggled to feed at the beginning. Then we really struggled with position, due to my big boobs, although we found a way to sort of make it work, with a lot of stress.

We had to top up with formula because he'd lost quite a bit of weight in those first few days, so that ended the dream of EBF. We soldiered on for a few weeks more, every day was a struggle and because of Covid, there was no-one to help. No classes, no support. I cried every day.

Eventually, after numerous attempts at asking for help, we finally got the infant feeding specialist to come out, who diagnosed a tongue tie, four weeks after he was born. We had to pay to get it snipped privately, because the NHS wasn't offering it in lockdown. But when it was done, my DS freaked out, because he had fashioned a workaround with his tongue for four weeks. He just couldn't get used to his new tongue function. Every time I'd put him to the breast, he'd scream.

Eventually, I decided to take a break from putting him on my boob and just express for a while, because he was so distressed. I didn't want to keep soldiering on just to make a point. But then I was hospitalised with acute pancreatitis due to gallstones, and decided to knock expressing on the head.

My DS thrived on formula and is happy and healthy. But I can't stop thinking about breastfeeding. I beat myself up for stopping, thinking that maybe if I'd given it another week it might have been ok. And I rage at Covid for robbing me and my son of all the support to keep breastfeeding going. I rage at lockdown, I rage at the fact that there's no-one to help me, I rage at the fact that my maternity leave was basically spent in my living room.

I can't get over it, no matter how hard I try, and I think about it every day.

AIBU to grieve for this long?

YABU - get over it, your son is healthy and well, and no point crying over spilt milk (pun intended)

YANBU - covid sucks and it's ok for you to be sad

What is it about breastfeeding that means so much to you? I'm sure you know that there are lots of formula fed babies. You say that he is healthy. You tried. It was a tough time. Do you suffer from OCD-type thinking? I hope someone can come along with good advice about getting over it. But all the time you are giving this headspace is time you aren't 'living in the moment' with your DS now. Wouldn't you prefer to be fully present? Try mindfulness and positive affirmations.

Honestly - you need to let go of this. I combination fed and frankly breastfeeding was a nightmare - for similar reasons to you! I was able to keep going but it was never easy, or a 'bonding experience' - changing nappies was more fun. Every time I tried to reduce the amount of formula I used my DC's weight fell through centile lines.
Breastfeeding isn't a 'dream' and you need to stop beating yourself up and accept that you have done your best for your baby under very difficult circumstances.

I worry that this is a manifestation of PND - thinking about this all the time isn't healthy. And really, how would not being in lockdown changed anything? Lockdown didn't cause the forceps delivery, tongue tie or your gallstones. It's made your mat leave pretty rubbish though, and that may also be linking into PND. Please have a chat with your GP or health visitor about your mood.

It’s not one or the other. You’re absolutely entitled to feel sad that things didn’t go the way that you want - but please, please don’t let it shape the time you’ve had with your son. In a year this will be a distant memory and by the time he’s a toddler you’ll wonder why you were so upset. By the time he grows up it’ll be so distant - no child has ever cared how they were fed, I promise you.

I’m sorry your birth and feeding experience wasn’t everything you hoped. I genuinely am. But being upset like this is robbing you of enjoying your time with your baby, Diana is right.

Just read my post back and it sounds a bit harsh - I was aiming for sympathetic and supportive! You're clearly working really hard to give your baby a great start in life, and having a baby in lockdown must be really difficult. Take care of yourself and please talk to people (in real life!) about how you are feeling.

You're not being unreasonable at all. It looks like things have been really stacked against you. At least you have breastfed and expressed so he got your milk. You can relactate, look it up if you're interested. I had a shitty birth in 2018. Combi fed for a bit, mainly formula over breast milk which really messed up my supply. Hardly got any out. Tried various things for months, fenugreek, domperidone etc and persevered. It happened eventually. Is starting again something you may be interested in? There is a breastfeeding support group on fb you could join for this.

From someone who did breastfeed, and was so bloody glad when it finished, you can't tell at DSs nursery with them all lining up to go in who was BF and who was FF. You had a very tough time, we also had the whole tongue tie thing , jaundice so had to top up with formula, had to get it snipped privately and I had to work back using nipple shields to get him back to BF after FF and expressing. Looking back I have no idea why I put myself through the stress, pain and exhaustion, it was foolish and more about my pride. You also had your own medical issues and health to contend with! We all have ideas about how we will parent but things and circumstances change that. Your child is healthy and fed, that's the bottom line.

YANBU - oh my gosh what a traumatic time you’ve had. It was just one thing after another!! No wonder you’re still deeply affected by it all. There are loads of different elements to this - not just the breastfeeding but also lockdown, I would really think about getting counselling or similar to unpick all of it. You want to get to the place where you are able to accept the imperfection of it all but also recover from how hideous it was for you.
Formula feeding is totally fine - but I think what’s so hard is that you tried so hard with the breastfeeding and the support just wasn’t there. I couldn’t have breastfed without plenty help, and my baby didn’t even have tongue tie.
You worked so hard, your ds is so lucky to have you, and even though your mat leave was crap you have so much to look forward to with your ds - by the time he starts toddling and exploring the world a lot more, hopefully all this Covid crap will be over.
Don’t beat yourself up, you did all you could, and I hope you are able to heal soon over everything you’ve been through.

YANBU although I sense that you’re grieving for a more “normal” maternity leave rather than just breastfeeding. Btw breastfeeding support has always been shocking anyway, even before covid.

But I think you need to give yourself a break and a pat on the back. These are not normal times and the fact you managed to get through maternity leave this year, any mum who has done that, I take my hat off too. Also, you were admitted to hospital and that sounds horrendous, AND you had a newborn!

Yanbu. I think people are so fast to say ‘fed is best’ these days. I had twins in late April and also struggled with feeding. I also feel robbed by bloody covid of all the things you mention. I have no wise words for you, but just to say yanbu at all!

Maybe "breastfeeding" represents lots of things you didn't get to do as a FTM due to covid, and you're fixating on it more than you would have? You can't change it, try to accept it and put it out of your mind.

It's hard but it may be healthier to focus on what you've got rather than what didn't happen.

If it's any consolation I had a forceps birth, tongue tie baby snipped at 8 weeks (first apt we could get), there were no lactation experts in my area, the GP told me to use a bottle, health visitor who didn't visit just rang every 4 weeks and told me to try every formula I could buy before she would refer me to a paediatric nutritionalist, and at 11 weeks I bought a can of lactose free formula and the screaming stopped. Just in time for me to return to work at 12 weeks.

Yanbu to feel how you feel. You’ve had a rough time. Your baby hadn’t missed out and in time you won’t care about this so much. There’s a lot of emotion wrapped up in breastfeeding which adds to the pressure. Objectively, it doesn’t matter and you should try and move on, but that can be tricky.

It’s ok to be sad you did everything you could - but breastfeeding can take a huge amount of external support and it’s not your fault that wasn’t available to you in lockdown. You’re right to focus on the fact that your son is thriving, but that doesn’t make your feelings of sadness invalid.

I don’t think it’s wrong to feel sad that it didn’t work out the way you wanted but I also think that it’s helping no one. Especially you.
You could have had everything go right and it still might not have worked out the way you dreamed of it in your head.
With babies I personally feel that it’s best to try not to have fixed expectations. Births, feeding, sleeping..... they are all very unlikely to go the way we thought they would.
This rage is harming you. Do you really want all your memories of his first year being about the things you feel you DIDN’T get rather than all the things he HAS brought to your life?
You need to look into ways of moving past it.

Yanbu just stop if you want. It is about what you want. Your baby may cry whenever you give up. Are you going to let this be the deciding factor.
My dc still screamed the place down at 18 months! I only fed at bedtime by then but I could not get them to give up by themselves.
Do what you want.

OMG I’m so sorry and primrose to read properly in future.
Ignore my idiotic ramblings,
I am sorry for what happened but I bet you are great Mum.

There's no right or wrong way to feel. I had an awful start to bf with my son, even long before covid support was terrible, he was finally diagnosed with a TT at 4 months which was separated at 5 months and it was only through sheer bullheadedness that we continued until he was nearly 4. I didn't have a hospitalisation or a pandemic to contend with. I still feel upset sometimes about those early months, several years on.

I couldn't bf my daughter at all as was diagnosed with cancer while pregnant, and honestly that was the worst part of the diagnosis for me initially. I've grieved on and off for that lost experience but now she's a year old and I've thrown away our last formula tin I feel I can move on.

You tried your best, circumstances were against you. It's okay to feel sad but my philosophy is not to waste too much time worrying about things that are out of our control. So allow yourself those sad moments but also look at the incredible little human you're raising, and who got more breastmilk than he would have done if you hadn't tried at all. One day he'll be stuffing his face with some awful E number-laden treat and you'll realise you've moved on from that early disappointment and done a brilliant job!

YANBU. Maybe it would help to take some positive action inspired by your grief though? E.g. training as a breastfeeding peer supporter.

This article might be useful in thinking it through, too: www.whale.to/a/wiessinger.html

I’m going to sound more harsh than I intend to be (because it does sound like a tough few months) but... yeah. You have a healthy son. He’s fed and safe with you. And when I hear “grieving” I think of people who have tragically lost children. I think perhaps you should seek out a therapist who might help you work through why this feels so raw after this long?

YANBU.

I've been going through a similar thing.

I've now been exclusively expressing for my son for 7 months because of a recessed jaw that stopped him latching.

Not a day goes by that I don't 'grieve' for the fact we couldn't breastfeed traditionally as it was something that was very important to me personally. It has not been easy at all but due to the fact my son has a CMPA and dislikes the prescribed formula it's something I'll continue as long as possible.

It makes me very sad when I see mummies feeding their babies as I'd have loved to have had that bonding experience.

I waited 3 years to be blessed with my son and breastfeeding was something I naively assumed would be how he would be fed.

If you do a little Googling you'll see that it's very common to feel how you are feeling.

You did amazing regardless and did all you could. Please don't beat yourself up ❤️

I don’t know if comparison helps, but i couldn’t bf dd1 because i had retained placenta for 3 weeks and my body never made any milk (assuming i was still pregnant). I cried my heart out on day 3 when my husband very sensibly dashed out to a 24 hr supermarket for emergency formula, but once the hormones settled down i just never thought about it again. Never had any support from the nhs re breast feeding or otherwise once they had established there was no tongue tie.

Dd2 was 4 months old when lockdown #1 hit - she was bf and we’re just winding it up now she’s 14 months old.

The reason i say all this is dd1 has always been healthy as a horse, and dd2 spent 2 of her first 3 weeks in hospital with 15% weight loss followed by bronchiolitis, then developed CMPA and associated eczema at 5 months, and still gets any cold going.

The health benefits are on a societal level, not an individual one, and the bond with your baby is just as strong if you gaze at them adoringly over a bottle as over your breast. Believe me when i say i couldn’t be closer to, or more in awe of my wonderful dds, and that does not change one iota because of how they were fed as infants. As pp sensibly said, you have to ask yourself what it is you really think you missed out on by not bf?

I would say that being robbed of a normal mat leave by covid is a separate issue, one which many are rueful about. Even if you had had an easy bf journey it sounds like pancreatitis is a big thing that may well have stopped it anyway, and that was entirely beyond your control. So much of baby-ing is beyond our control, part of learning it is just learning to lean into the wind however it blows.

You're not being unreasonable to be sad, but you do need to get over this. You tried and a combination of factors meant that it didn't work out. Your baby is happy and healthy which is what matters, not they way in which you feed your baby

Thank you all. I needed to get this out. My DH has been amazing but doesn't really understand, so it's good to hear other perspectives.

So as not to dripfeed, I'll give a bit of backstory. I am normally pretty level-headed and together, but pregnancy hit me hard with crazy anxiety. I don't know where this came from, but I became obsessive about my baby being stillborn because I have a slightly higher BMI.

When he got here, I was (and still am) so relieved that he was here in one piece, that I wanted to do the very best for him. If breastfeeding is the very best, then I feel like I've already let him down.

Women are under a ridiculous amount of pressure to breastfeed and this causes immense guilt if you can't for whatever reason.

Fed is best. For mum and baby.

Breastfeeding campaigns need to be knocked in the head.