To be still grieving for breastfeeding nine months on?

[Bookishnerd]

My DS was born in April, right at the heart of the first lockdown. I'm a FTM and was desperate to breastfeed.

A clusterf**k of things went wrong - firstly, he had to be helped out with forceps, which made him dopey and he struggled to feed at the beginning. Then we really struggled with position, due to my big boobs, although we found a way to sort of make it work, with a lot of stress.

We had to top up with formula because he'd lost quite a bit of weight in those first few days, so that ended the dream of EBF. We soldiered on for a few weeks more, every day was a struggle and because of Covid, there was no-one to help. No classes, no support. I cried every day.

Eventually, after numerous attempts at asking for help, we finally got the infant feeding specialist to come out, who diagnosed a tongue tie, four weeks after he was born. We had to pay to get it snipped privately, because the NHS wasn't offering it in lockdown. But when it was done, my DS freaked out, because he had fashioned a workaround with his tongue for four weeks. He just couldn't get used to his new tongue function. Every time I'd put him to the breast, he'd scream.

Eventually, I decided to take a break from putting him on my boob and just express for a while, because he was so distressed. I didn't want to keep soldiering on just to make a point. But then I was hospitalised with acute pancreatitis due to gallstones, and decided to knock expressing on the head.

My DS thrived on formula and is happy and healthy. But I can't stop thinking about breastfeeding. I beat myself up for stopping, thinking that maybe if I'd given it another week it might have been ok. And I rage at Covid for robbing me and my son of all the support to keep breastfeeding going. I rage at lockdown, I rage at the fact that there's no-one to help me, I rage at the fact that my maternity leave was basically spent in my living room.

I can't get over it, no matter how hard I try, and I think about it every day.

AIBU to grieve for this long?

YABU - get over it, your son is healthy and well, and no point crying over spilt milk (pun intended)

YANBU - covid sucks and it's ok for you to be sad

Breastfeeding grief is definitely real and shouldn't be so easily dismissed. It sucks that things did not work out the way you'd hoped, OP.

I think some bf counsellors/IBCLCs do breastfeeding "debriefs" to help you unpick all your feelings about your journey, if that's something you feel might be beneficial?

YANBU but please get some help. My DS was born in 2018, I exclusively expressed as he wouldn't latch / his tongue tie wasn't diagnosed and he had ebf because I literally did nothing else for the first 3 months but pump. So I "succeeded". But when I stopped pumping (9months) when I went back to work, eventhough I had enough milk to feed him until he was 1 I had a total breakdown, delayed PND I think. I grieved for breastfeeding. I should have got help earlier.

I am nearing the end of mat leave #2 and despite breastfeeding DD, I still have similar feelings and am getting help.

It isn't about breastfeeding, it's about the headfuck of becoming a parent and you've done it at the harder time with the world falling apart. Take care of yourself and you'll feel better, I promise.

So because we cannot distinguish between a breastfed and formula fed child.... what? It doesn't matter but let's have a bit of equal respect for those who choose either option. Breastfeeding should rightly be encouraged, it's natural and normal. Formula should be provided as it provides nutrition if you choose to use it. Babies win either way.

Love the idea of a breastfeeding debrief. I'll look it up.

In the world of “breast is best”, and under such circumstances, before the age of formula.. your son would’ve been sent to a wet nurse until you were able to resume the feeding if at all.

I’d take formula over that anytime! It’s ok the modern world has developed solutions which are a blessing..

Babies are adaptable and not breastfeeding your son doesn’t change anything about your bond.

I say that as a mother who exclusively breastfed the first 6 months.

But I beat myself up about other things to do with kids nutrition. We always find ways to make ourselves feel guilty as mother’s because we feel like we can not ever get it right

Yanbu and tbh i get a little hurt when people dismiss BF that didn’t work out. It was important to you and you have the right to be upset. I had a v unusual situation which resulted in inability to BF - I basically don’t make any milk - and I was very sad because I believe it’s best. Of course we are all fine, I have healthy happy kids and it gets much easier to live with the older they get. But it’s ok to feel sad , just if you feel it is overwhelming, find someone to talk to .

OP of course you're entitled to your own feelings. I'm so sorry you didnt get the support you needed to continue. My DD was born 4 months before lockdown and I am acutely aware that I probably would not have been able to continue if it had been later and I hadn't had the help I did. Please focus on that fact that you did your best for your child and be proud of what you achieved in such challenging times. You did a great job.

I totally get where you are coming from OP. FTM with DS born at the start of May. Every intention to breast feed but had lots of struggles, exacerbated by not being able to get face to face help (either NHS or private) due to COVID. Switched to fully FF from about 6 weeks.

Your feelings are yours and whilst they are not going to change, I think you do need to get some help on living/coping with them. I do still get the occasional twang of guilt and think maybe I should have tried harder but I feel a lot better about it than when I first stopped when I would start crying just thinking about it.

Ultimately DS knows no different - he is loved, happy and healthy and that is the most important thing (I just have to occasionally remind myself of that!)

@RockCrushesLizard

You are not unreasonable at all. It is so undermining to tell women who wanted to breastfeed that it doesn't matter.

If I was a keen marathon runner and permanently injured my leg, people would sympathise that I couldn't do the thing I loved and wanted to do, not tell me it's unimportant, plenty of people never run any marathons. It may be true, but massively invalidating.

It was part of your vision of mothering and motherhood and you are allowed to grieve for the fact it didn't happen, through no fault of your own.

I'm sorry you weren't able to meet your goals. You might consider calling the National Breastfeeding helpline 0300 100 0212. They can help you debrief and process your feelings.
There's also a brilliant little book called Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matter, by Professor Amy Brown, about exactly what you're going through.

Thank you for this, completely agree and will look out for the book.