To be still grieving for breastfeeding nine months on?

[Bookishnerd]

My DS was born in April, right at the heart of the first lockdown. I'm a FTM and was desperate to breastfeed.

A clusterf**k of things went wrong - firstly, he had to be helped out with forceps, which made him dopey and he struggled to feed at the beginning. Then we really struggled with position, due to my big boobs, although we found a way to sort of make it work, with a lot of stress.

We had to top up with formula because he'd lost quite a bit of weight in those first few days, so that ended the dream of EBF. We soldiered on for a few weeks more, every day was a struggle and because of Covid, there was no-one to help. No classes, no support. I cried every day.

Eventually, after numerous attempts at asking for help, we finally got the infant feeding specialist to come out, who diagnosed a tongue tie, four weeks after he was born. We had to pay to get it snipped privately, because the NHS wasn't offering it in lockdown. But when it was done, my DS freaked out, because he had fashioned a workaround with his tongue for four weeks. He just couldn't get used to his new tongue function. Every time I'd put him to the breast, he'd scream.

Eventually, I decided to take a break from putting him on my boob and just express for a while, because he was so distressed. I didn't want to keep soldiering on just to make a point. But then I was hospitalised with acute pancreatitis due to gallstones, and decided to knock expressing on the head.

My DS thrived on formula and is happy and healthy. But I can't stop thinking about breastfeeding. I beat myself up for stopping, thinking that maybe if I'd given it another week it might have been ok. And I rage at Covid for robbing me and my son of all the support to keep breastfeeding going. I rage at lockdown, I rage at the fact that there's no-one to help me, I rage at the fact that my maternity leave was basically spent in my living room.

I can't get over it, no matter how hard I try, and I think about it every day.

AIBU to grieve for this long?

YABU - get over it, your son is healthy and well, and no point crying over spilt milk (pun intended)

YANBU - covid sucks and it's ok for you to be sad

If breastfeeding is the very best, then I feel like I've already let him down.

He’s fine. Breastfeeding is one way to feed a child.

OP you have had a shit time. It is ok to be sad but equally don’t let it consume you that’s not healthy for you or your family.
If it’s any consolation I had a similar experience in 2016 so it happens in non covid times too. My son was a forceps delivery and it caused damage to his facial nerve which in turn effected his latch. It was a 6 week shit show of attempting to feed/express/top and I had multiple ‘feeding professionals’ input sometimes it just doesn’t work. I had my second in the summer and agree covid has ruined my mat leave which I have spent in my living room. If it is affecting you this much please speak to someone about it (HV/GP). I realised with talking therapy I fixated on breastfeeding (or inability to) as part of a much bigger PND picture. I had excellent help from my HV, GP, talking therapy and some medication. I also had a birth reflection appointment with my maternity unit as through talking to my GP realised I had some unresolved issues around the birth. It’s not easy but be kind to yourself having a baby is hard but doubly hard in a pandemic-I have the benefit of my lockdown baby being my second so I have a learned a few tricks and have an vague idea about what’s normal but I really feel for first time mums as they must feel terrified and abandoned. For what it’s worth my now 4.5 year has done extremely well he is bright as a button and I’m not quite sure what I was worried about no one looks around the playground and knows how they were fed as babies.

Breastfeeding is only the best when it is best for all parties involved. If it isn’t working for mum or baby or both it isn’t best. What is best is a fed baby and a mentally and physically well mum.

YANBU. Women in their seventies and eighties remember birth trauma and I think often breastfeeding regret is part of that.

That said, it's perfectly possible and you deserve to heal from this. I wonder if it might be worth looking into some counselling to come to terms with the experience? Circling and finding it hard to move on does seem to suggest that you could use a bit of help to deal with your experiences.

I'm so very sorry you didn't get the help you needed and should have had. to you, OP, and all women who have this grief.

It's absolutely OK to be sad. For what it's worth, I am sad that I persevered with breast feeding when it caused me so much pain and distress. It's a very emotive thing and I am still extremely angry about the terrible guidance and lack of support I received. Dd is 7. I don't think I will ever look ba k on her babyhood happily, but having a 7 Yr old is a blast, so I don't think about it much any more. Xx

YANBU

Similar experience here, emergency section. I express milk for my 7 week old but i do feel real heartache when he butts at my chest.

You are not unreasonable at all.
It is so undermining to tell women who wanted to breastfeed that it doesn't matter.

If I was a keen marathon runner and permanently injured my leg, people would sympathise that I couldn't do the thing I loved and wanted to do, not tell me it's unimportant, plenty of people never run any marathons. It may be true, but massively invalidating.

It was part of your vision of mothering and motherhood and you are allowed to grieve for the fact it didn't happen, through no fault of your own.

I'm sorry you weren't able to meet your goals. You might consider calling the National Breastfeeding helpline 0300 100 0212. They can help you debrief and process your feelings.
There's also a brilliant little book called Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matter, by Professor Amy Brown, about exactly what you're going through.

It is so undermining to tell women who wanted to breastfeed that it doesn't matter

This.

I wonder how people would react if women who wanted to bottle feed were refused formula. After all, if it does not matter then that equally applies to formula feeding, surely?

YANBU - covid sucks and it's ok for you to be sad

^I think you've put it perfectly, OP. COVID and all the lockdowns suck. It's okay to feel sad about any aspect of your lockdown experience. But, your son is thriving and that's something to feel happy about. :) Humans are allowed to feel multiple emotions concurrently. :)

You need to move on from this and enjoy your time as mum of a baby. You won’t get this time back.
It seriously does not matter how you feed your child. X x

I wonder how people would react if women who wanted to bottle feed were refused formula. After all, if it does not matter then that equally applies to formula feeding, surely?

Nobody is refusing anyone breastfeeding. It just doesn’t happen sometimes.

YANBU OP, you’re entitled to feel however you feel about your pregnancy, your baby, your post partum journey.

Breastfeeding is a very emotive subject, even those who have successfully enjoyed a decent bf journey still mourn it when it ends. I know I do. So to not have had the journey you so desperately wanted must be so hard.

You can come to terms with it, you can accept what happened and reconcile it. That doesn’t mean “get over it” it means feel what you need to feel but begin to look forward and be present in the moment now rather than ruminating what has gone.

Perhaps you could get some support with this? Do you still have a health worker? Could you reach out to any local services or GP.

Btw - I really lost the plot after my first baby, and to an extent the 2nd, I had all sort of things going on in my head (not quite PND but definitely not my typical self). It does get better, I promise.

Yanbu. I had my first almost 5 years ago. I desperately wanted to breastfeed but like you I ended up with forceps and was all a bit traumatic. Had no support in hospital to start off feeding and it all fell apart when we got home. I too had to top up with formula. We struggled on to 8 weeks and then he point blank refused to feed from me anymore. I grieved for a long time about it. I would see other people breastfeeding and I would be so jealous. It all sounds so crazy when you write it down, because of course all that matters is that your baby is fed and happy. But I completely understand how difficult it is when something you set your heart on doesn’t work out. Time helps. And you’ve had a hell of a year so be kind to yourself.
I had my second baby in April. He had a rocky start with jaundice so our breastfeeding journey did not get off to a good start. The midwives encouraged formula feeding to flush out the jaundice so I didn’t actually get to latch him until day 5 at home. Long story short, despite no community help at all and a lot of perseverance, we managed to establish feeding and I am just weaning him off now as due to go back to work soon. So just because it didn’t work our first time, doesn’t mean it can’t a second time. And as a second time mum you have a lot more confidence in your own abilities.
Let yourself be sad for a while, but always remember that as long as your baby is safe, fed and loved, it doesn’t matter where the food comes from! But it’s ok to feel sad too. Be kind to yourself, it does get better.

Breastfeeding trauma and grief is a real thing, Amy Brown has written a book "why breastfeeding trauma and grief matter" which you might find useful. Your feelings are completely valid and understandable, but will probably fade with time as your baby grows into a toddler and out of milk feeds.

YABU, very very unreasonable. Your ds is happy and healthy. You tried your best. You are doing your best for him.

This is the issue with the "breast is best" messaging and also the obsession with breastfeeding journeys. You have not let your baby down at all. It's frankly been a horrible time to have a baby, especially for those parents who where pregnant before we even knew about Covid. You are doing great.

I'm going to say something that might piss people off but I get what you mean, anxiety aside which you should definitely seek GP support for (I had extreme post natal anxiety and now on 50mg sertraline which saved me)... I understand about the breastfeeding. People say it doesn't matter how you feed a baby but this misses the point of what breastfeeding is. It is a intimacy and closeness like nothing I've experienced, and brings such intense emotions that everything sort of is consumed by it. But you mustn't beat yourself up. Lockdown is absolutely SHITE, I am sending a big hug to you. Grieve for it but also continue to enjoy the cuddles, my 2 year old still nurses even though I dried up a while ago. It's a quiet, mothering thing, and you are not unreasonable to feel so angry and mixed up by it. Have you looked online at breastfeeding support groups- even if to vent to others in same position?

Echoing others in saying, you've done your best- you are enough. Be kind to yourself. X

I really wanted to breastfeed too OP but my DD struggled to latch and when I decided to pump I was literally glued to the thing all day to try to keep up with demand. It was making me miserable, my boobs were engorged and leaking all over the place and I was frankly knackered.
I still feel guilty sometimes - my DD is only 4 months. However, I can’t beat myself up forever.
She is healthy and happy and I absolutely adore her. She gives me huge smiles and I can tell she loves her mummy.
Remember your baby loves you - you are their world and they don’t give a hoot whether you breasted them or not. You are enough and your efforts were enough.
Big hugs x

Yanbu to feel sad about covid and a ruined mat leave and the lack of support that you had. But yabu to make such a big deal of breastfeeding. Most babies aren't breastfed for any longer than yours was. Lots of mums find it difficult. Breastfeeding is mainly beneficial for the baby if you live in a country without clean water and access to sterile bottles etc. In a western country with clean water and good quality formula, the benefits are not particularly huge. Most of the benefits are for the mother IMO. Save a load of money, easier to lose pregnancy weight, less faffing about. The baby will not care or remember. So I think you should try get over this. Do you have new mum friends that you can talk to in real life?

Oh mama, there is no you're being unreasonable or you're not being in reasonable.

These are your feelings and you can feel whatever you need to, this was completely beyond your control and I'm sorry this is what's happened to you.

Never ever forget that you're a brilliant mum and doing our best is all we can.

I know it's not the same but my child is 2 and I still grieve the natural birth I could not have because my baby was transverse and couldn't be turned. A lot of people don't understand it but nobody has to understand how things make ME feel because nobody is you.

OP, you did a remarkable job going extra mile to try and do the very best for your baby despite covid, no support, tongue tie and a bloody difficult labour. You should immensely proud of yourself. You did feed your baby and I am sure it had a very positive impact on his immune system. As you say your son is thriving and this is what matters most!

@SnackSizeRaisin

Yanbu to feel sad about covid and a ruined mat leave and the lack of support that you had. But yabu to make such a big deal of breastfeeding. Most babies aren't breastfed for any longer than yours was. Lots of mums find it difficult. Breastfeeding is mainly beneficial for the baby if you live in a country without clean water and access to sterile bottles etc. In a western country with clean water and good quality formula, the benefits are not particularly huge. Most of the benefits are for the mother IMO. Save a load of money, easier to lose pregnancy weight, less faffing about. The baby will not care or remember. So I think you should try get over this. Do you have new mum friends that you can talk to in real life?

There are many benefits to breastmilk and breastfeeding that cannot be given with formula. Breastfeeding provides babies with tailor-made milk and all of the hormones and natal goodies that cannot be replicated in labs. You are being unreasonable to make it sound like it isn't important. It is. And no that's not a negative comment on formula but I do feel it is important to have a balanced discussion that doesn't almost diminish those of us who breastfeed. They may not remember, but we do. It matters.

@Iwonder08

OP, you did a remarkable job going extra mile to try and do the very best for your baby despite covid, no support, tongue tie and a bloody difficult labour. You should immensely proud of yourself. You did feed your baby and I am sure it had a very positive impact on his immune system. As you say your son is thriving and this is what matters most!

This in spades.

People say it doesn't matter how you feed a baby but this misses the point of what breastfeeding is. It is a intimacy and closeness like nothing I've experienced, and brings such intense emotions that everything sort of is consumed by it.

I don't think this is true for everyone. I breastfed until mine self weaned at about a year. I didn't feel any particular emotion about it and was happy enough to stop. My daughter used to get a bottle if I was out, from her dad (only a couple of times a week) and she actually preferred the bottle. It is just a way of feeding a baby. Attaching too much importance to it is unhealthy IMO. There are enough things to worry about when raising a child that make a much bigger difference in the long run.

Thank you. I have ordered the Amy Brown book. My gorgeous little man is asleep and everyone is well. I am grateful for that.

There are many benefits to breastmilk and breastfeeding that cannot be given with formula.

There are, of course. Especially in the first few weeks, particularly the antibodies that will protect the baby from coughs and colds infecting the mother. However the effect of these differences on the baby is not big enough to be noticeable at the individual level. Nor is there convincing research to support these benefits persisting into later life. Whereas you can tell which children have parents who never read with them, or who don't look after their teeth, for example. You would not know which child was breastfed.