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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don’t set out to create traditions, they just happen

88 replies

Butterflyfluff · 31/01/2021 19:02

Inspired by the thread about Sunday nights of your childhood but there’s lots of it a Christmas too

Thing we look back on fondly and think of as ‘traditions’ are actually things that just ‘happened’ and they weren’t ‘designed’ to be traditions

Most of the charm of them comes from the fact it’s just what you did without thinking about it and when you look back they are comforting memories as it’s just the way things were

It makes me sad when people say they ‘want to create traditions’

Like so much in the world now, it seems so contrived

OP posts:
boomboom1234 · 31/01/2021 19:04

Yes this is a really good point! Often the things we look back on didn't happen religiously either - maybe even once or twice but they made an impact because like you say they were impromptu and special

Squirrelblanket · 31/01/2021 19:07

I disagree. At some point, a decision was made to do the thing that then becomes a tradition. This happens when, for example, everyone enjoys it so it happens again. And again. And so on.

Original poster
Butterflyfluff · 31/01/2021 19:09

I get you chose to do things - I just think it’s sad if you do it thinking that we’ll do this every ......insert occasion

OP posts:
Botherfreedays · 31/01/2021 19:10

I couldn't agree more! Traditions just happen. I'm always Hmmwhen people in here ask for ideas to start their own traditions. Traditions shouldn't be planned or require effort. I have images of these mums shouting 'you're doing it, I've decided it's a tradition so you'll be doing it next year too and forever more'.

Chunkymenrock · 31/01/2021 19:12

Yes, the same as 'making memories.' You can't force it, just live your lives and memories will naturally follow.

HotChoc10 · 31/01/2021 19:12

You should read the Invention of Tradition by Eric Hobsbawm! Lots of things we now consider 'traditional' have been marketed or manufactured... I appreciate you are more talking about smaller scale, family traditions though, but I think it's fine to pursue these actively. My family and I buy a touristy Christmas ornament whenever we go on holiday so our tree always reflects those memories. It was definitely decided consciously but not sure that's such a bad thing.

HerrenaHarridan · 31/01/2021 19:12

Some people have to start their own as they don’t have any passed to them by a loving family.

Look past the end of your own nose!

Squirrelblanket · 31/01/2021 19:13

I don't think it matters if everyone enjoys it. Why split hairs over what traditions are worthy (in your eyes) and which are not. 🤷‍♀️

Daydrambeliever · 31/01/2021 19:13

Sometimes things happen in families that mean their old traditions can't happen anymore. If they need to create new traditions to help them deal with that then fantastic.

HighHeelBoots · 31/01/2021 19:16

I was going to say the same as a pp
Its the same as 'making memories'. Hard luck, you don't get to decide what your children's memories will be

Seeingadistance · 31/01/2021 19:17

@Chunkymenrock

Yes, the same as 'making memories.' You can't force it, just live your lives and memories will naturally follow.
Every time I see ‘making memories’ I think back to one of the most vivid memories of my early childhood. The cat had diarrhoea and had shat on the doormat - a warm pool of poo, which my mother stood in with bare feet!
PlanetSlattern · 31/01/2021 19:20

Like so much in the world now, it seems so contrived

Interested to hear what else is contrived about the world today compared with the glorious days of yesteryear. Smile

whoamongstus · 31/01/2021 19:21

@Daydrambeliever

Sometimes things happen in families that mean their old traditions can't happen anymore. If they need to create new traditions to help them deal with that then fantastic.
I think that's the point though - you don't 'create' traditions, they happen naturally. So in this scenario, assume that you had a tradition that you always went to Midnight Mass with your parents and took hot chocolate for the walk there.

Then when you have your own children, your parents have sadly passed away. One year deciding 'okay our new tradition is that we wear big scarves in the garden and look at the stars every Christmas eve before we go to mass' doesn't make sense - a tradition is something that has developed over time. If you did it a few years in a row, then it'd become a tradition...surely?

It's a linguistic point, rather than saying people who don't have loved ones around to share old traditions with can't make new ones.

Original poster
Butterflyfluff · 31/01/2021 19:21

Why split hairs over what traditions are worthy (in your eyes) and which are not.

I’m not commenting on what is worthy and what isn’t

I’m saying that setting out to do something, with the intention of it becoming a tradition or memory, feels very forced and contrived

What we remember fondly tends to be the silly things, not something planned

OP posts:
JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 31/01/2021 19:23

Some of us with immigrant parents have very different traditions and festivals. I've had to learn English ways of doing things, even though I was born in London and invent traditions my kids will enjoy, by learning from friends and social media. E.g I've never had a Xmas stocking so that's now a new tradition in our home.

Original poster
Butterflyfluff · 31/01/2021 19:24

Interested to hear what else is contrived about the world today compared with the glorious days of yesteryear

If this comment is for real them I’m guessing you’re not a big user of social media

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterflyfluff · 31/01/2021 19:28

I've never had a Xmas stocking so that's now a new tradition in our home.

Maybe this is the difference - I don’t see that as a ‘tradition’

It’s just the way things are done in certain places, just like if you live near a beach in Australia you’d probably spend Christmas day in a swimsuit

It’s not what everyone does but it’s commonplace where you are - but they’re not what I’d class as ‘traditions’

OP posts:
PlanetSlattern · 31/01/2021 19:31

I dunno, just feels like yet another stick to beat mums with... and it's usually mums, isn't it?

I'm not a big social media person, no. But aren't people just documenting nice things they're doing with their children?

Unnecessary? Yes. Attention-seeking? Quite possibly. Contrived? I suppose so. But... a nice thing is a nice thing. I'm pleased for those children.

Austriana · 31/01/2021 19:32

@JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth

Some of us with immigrant parents have very different traditions and festivals. I've had to learn English ways of doing things, even though I was born in London and invent traditions my kids will enjoy, by learning from friends and social media. E.g I've never had a Xmas stocking so that's now a new tradition in our home.
I feel the same way. As a child of immigrants the traditions I grew up with are thousands of years old, rather than anything my parents particularly invented or chose for us.

It's an interesting process, now that I have my own children, to decide which I want to retain and which I want to reject (many!), and which new ones I want to emulate from English society around me.

partyatthepalace · 31/01/2021 19:42

I don't think everyone has great family traditions though. So people often hear about stuff and want to adopt it - I think that's always happened, and many family traditions are by design rather than accident. I think people just talk about it more now, because of the life curation thing that goes on on FB etc

AnaisNun · 31/01/2021 19:47

I read that thread and thought similar, OP, like “shit. DS is 4 and the closest we have to a Sunday evening tradition, is sticking netflix on and getting under a blanket with a bowl of popcorn”.

Felt a bit like I wasn’t “doing it right” reading that thread TBH.

Topped off with DS telling me tonight that sometimes he feels lonely (only child, I’m a LP) and I could weep.

Wheresmycider · 31/01/2021 19:48

I think there is a difference between cultural traditions and family traditions. But some family traditions may revolve around a more cultural one. A specific way that your family approaches something that others also do.
For example, lots of people use Christmas stockings, but your family may, for reasons lost in the midst of time, insist on them having a new ribbon each year to hang them. Or they are hung on the stairs instead of the bed.
The best traditions are often these odd little quirks that would have originally had a reason or purpose, but over time become a thing you just feel you need to do. And these are the ones that cant be fabricated in the way the OP is deploring.
Choosing to make something a tradition will in itself, over time, probably result in its own little quirks that make it a thing for that family. It just takes time.

Original poster
Butterflyfluff · 31/01/2021 19:50

sticking netflix on and getting under a blanket with a bowl of popcorn

But in years to come he’ll likely remember that fondly

You’re not doing it to make a tradition, it’s just what you do and it’ll make a nice memory looking back

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterflyfluff · 31/01/2021 19:52

The best traditions are often these odd little quirks

Exactly - it’s not the doing something that’s pretty commonplace, it’s ‘how’ you do it that often makes things which you realise after a while have become ‘traditional’

OP posts:
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