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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you don’t set out to create traditions, they just happen

88 replies

Butterflyfluff · 31/01/2021 19:02

Inspired by the thread about Sunday nights of your childhood but there’s lots of it a Christmas too

Thing we look back on fondly and think of as ‘traditions’ are actually things that just ‘happened’ and they weren’t ‘designed’ to be traditions

Most of the charm of them comes from the fact it’s just what you did without thinking about it and when you look back they are comforting memories as it’s just the way things were

It makes me sad when people say they ‘want to create traditions’

Like so much in the world now, it seems so contrived

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 31/01/2021 19:53

I think with Christmas though there are a lot of traditions that are society wide, eg decorating Christmas tree, having christmas crackers etc so when you start having your own Christmas’s you do consciously choose some of those traditions to do or you remember ones from your childhood and so you consciously decide to carry those on.
It’s different to unusual traditions that do evolve over time and become tradition by default eg it’s now tradition for me and DD to get up at 5 am to do the Xmas food shop and get a macdonalds breakfast on the way back! It wasn’t a tradition I will up one day and said ‘hey let’s make it tradition to go to the supermarket super early’ it was originally a case of needs must as DH worked shifts and I had 3 preschool children so going at the time was the only time I could go without taking the kids with me. Then one year when DD was 4 she asked to come and she’s now 12 and comes every year so it has turned into ‘our tradition’
Whereas decorating the Xmas tree while listening to Xmas music and putting the star on the top is a tradition that lots of people do so it was a conscious decision to do that (as opposed to decorating it myself on my own which is my preference so it’s done properly!!) but I chose to do it as a family so that my kids had those memories

DaylightSunlight · 31/01/2021 19:53

I get what you mean but some traditions are created and some happen naturally. It doesn't matter.

A family could decide to spend Tuesday nights or Christmas time doing x,y,z. It becomes a tradition because they've done it regularly for years and years and the thought of stopping feels odd.

Another family just happened to do x,y,z on Tuesdays or Christmas time and it just became a tradition because they didn't want to/can't stop something they've been doing for ages.

It's a tradition if it becomes (an age-old) routine - regardless of how it came about.

Original poster
Butterflyfluff · 31/01/2021 19:56

It's a tradition if it becomes (an age-old) routine - regardless of how it came about.

Agreed - which is why I don’t get how it’s anything other than contrived to set out to make something a tradition as it only happens when you’ve done it several times

OP posts:
DaylightSunlight · 31/01/2021 20:09

I think for some, they may see other people do things and they'd want to incorporate that into their lifestyle. If it's not something that would have naturally come up in their family, they have to create it, which is to make it start happening.

Luckily if everyone's on board, it ends up as a tradition by the time they've done it many times. Sort of like family pictures, etc.

I think 'big' traditions like that (and more) are often created because it wouldn't really have come up naturally. 'Smaller' ones like watching Netflix with ice cream or something just tend to happen.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 31/01/2021 20:11

I had abusive parents so yes I have created quite a few traditions and plan to take some from the Sunday evening thread as well. I don't care if people think it is contrived. I am building the family life I want to give my son.

VestaTilley · 31/01/2021 20:18

Could someone share the link to the Sunday evening thread please?

Original poster
Butterflyfluff · 31/01/2021 20:41

I have created quite a few traditions and plan to take some from the Sunday evening thread as well. I don't care if people think it is contrived. I am building the family life I want to give my son.

I bet there’s not a single parent of the posters on the Sunday night thread who consciously decided any of those things would be memories for their children decades later

That’s my point - you can do as many lovely things as you like for your children but you can’t predefine their memories or what they’ll see as traditional

OP posts:
Holly60 · 31/01/2021 21:20

I don’t see anything wrong in feeling that one would like to develop some family traditions. I also don’t see anything wrong in undertaking an activity thinking ‘if people enjoy this, perhaps we will do it again next year’.

Riojasmoothy · 31/01/2021 21:28

You can create routines, that may become tradition if passed down through generations.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 31/01/2021 21:29

@Butterflyfluff

I have created quite a few traditions and plan to take some from the Sunday evening thread as well. I don't care if people think it is contrived. I am building the family life I want to give my son.

I bet there’s not a single parent of the posters on the Sunday night thread who consciously decided any of those things would be memories for their children decades later

That’s my point - you can do as many lovely things as you like for your children but you can’t predefine their memories or what they’ll see as traditional

No I can't control what memories my DS chooses to keep but I also don't see anything wrong with seeing an example of something that another family does and deciding to give it a go. If we don't enjoy it we won't continue with it.
Original poster
Butterflyfluff · 31/01/2021 21:48

I also don't see anything wrong with seeing an example of something that another family does and deciding to give it a go

No one said there was anything wrong with that - it just seems very odd to do it thinking it’ll be a great memory or tradition

It just seems to be missing the moment

OP posts:
Pollypudding · 31/01/2021 22:06

Butterflyfluff

I've never had a Xmas stocking so that's now a new tradition in our home.

Maybe this is the difference - I don’t see that as a ‘tradition’

There is more than one type of tradition OP - you are talking about creating family or generational traditions and Butterflyfluff is talking about adopting cultural traditions. They are equally valid and all had to start somewhere.
My DDil is from another country and we have adopted some of their traditions too!

Love51 · 31/01/2021 22:17

We do a really cheesy gratitude thing over dinner. It could be a family tradition. It was the result of having an evening when my kids were sniping at each other (I can't remember if I was sniping too or completely blameless!) I told them that they each had to think of 3 good things that had happened to them that day. Really I just wanted them to shut up sniping! Now at some point during dinner one of them will say "3 good things" and we all go round and do our 3. There's no rules, you can repeat other people's, choose 4, and just sat what you're having for tea, if you like it. It wasn't meant to be a tradition, but we always do it now, the kids insist!

DedlyMedally · 31/01/2021 22:32

I don't get the distinction.
Surely you think of trying something, actually try the thing, then think you want to do it again and plan/prepare to do it next time?
Even when you initially get the thought, wouldn't it be in your head that if you enjoy it you'll do it again?
If you're thinking back to childhood, I think it's easy to assume there was no forethought as you, typically, wouldn't be the one doing the thinking.

Mildredandmaud · 31/01/2021 22:42

I get what you mean OP. Our family traditions are just as you say - things that we enjoyed the first time we did it, so next time the situation came round again we did it the same way- and a tradition was born!

Deciding on a tradition before you know you like it is hollow, and runs a risk of the tradition becoming a chore rather then a pleasure.

Having said that, I think there are different types of traditions, some of them being cultural. Some of them are a bit of a chore - like having a Turkey dinner on Christmas day! But we donit because it’s the done thing and there is comfort in doing the same thing every year.

SparrowNest · 31/01/2021 22:47

@DedlyMedally has hit the nail on the head.

“ If you're thinking back to childhood, I think it's easy to assume there was no forethought as you, typically, wouldn't be the one doing the thinking.”

The first time your mum (or dad or other caregiver, but let’s be real 90% of the time it’s mum) did something that became a holiday tradition, she would probably have been thinking “I hope the kids like this” rather then “let’s definitely do it every year forever” - but when you enjoyed it and she kept it up, chances are she realised she was creating a tradition you would associate with the magic of Christmas, or whatever.

It takes planning to actually make a lot of these things happen. I agree there can also be traditions that arise very unexpectedly, but I don’t understand the idea that being more deliberate makes something lesser - especially when kids will still experience it exactly how you seem to have experienced stuff as a kid, as very spontaneous.

Even traditions that have been passed down many generations had to start somewhere, and people who had unhappy childhoods which lacked magic are often particularly keen to start lots of new ones for their own kids.

B33Fr33 · 31/01/2021 23:06

Uck definitely. I felt bad for a friend who would desperately try to enthuse her family into "tradition" after tradition, she was definitely believing of the Insta lies, constantly comparing herself. I figure memories are made because the brain wants to or needs to. And traditions evolve naturally from good associations. We have fun days silly days and sad and bad days. I don't plan them in the intention of giving them things to look back on, rather to experience life.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 01/02/2021 06:57

@DedlyMedally

I don't get the distinction. Surely you think of trying something, actually try the thing, then think you want to do it again and plan/prepare to do it next time? Even when you initially get the thought, wouldn't it be in your head that if you enjoy it you'll do it again? If you're thinking back to childhood, I think it's easy to assume there was no forethought as you, typically, wouldn't be the one doing the thinking.
Definitely agree with this!
Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 01/02/2021 06:58

"Even traditions that have been passed down many generations had to start somewhere, and people who had unhappy childhoods which lacked magic are often particularly keen to start lots of new ones for their own kids."

And this is very true of me

CuteOrangeElephant · 01/02/2021 07:10

The Elf on the shelf tagline is "A Christmas Tradition".

It really annoys me when commercial companies try to dictate traditions.

I keep traditions low in my house, mainly because I am lazy and don't want to have to do things on set times. DD seems to have a good enough time.

CuteOrangeElephant · 01/02/2021 07:11

That is not to say that DD has a childhood that lacks magic Hmm

LApprentiSorcier · 01/02/2021 07:27

There will always be a first time for every tradition.

HastingsSpoon · 01/02/2021 07:46

Stockings are a tradition here - I never had stockings growing up.
I don’t see the issue, OP. A lot of people agree with you but I don’t get it! It’s nice to think ‘ooh this could be a tradition’ but obviously if you don’t enjoy it you don’t continue Hmm
Good job we aren’t all the same isn’t it!

DappledThings · 01/02/2021 08:00

I get you OP.

In 2018 we visited a nearby EH place and took a (very rare for us) family selfie. We were there again about a year later and did the same. It was only when I looked back at old photos I realised it was the first family selfie we had done in a year and happened to be in the same spot. So now we do it every year and it's become a silly but sweet tradition. If we decided in 2018 it was going to be an annual event and set it up as a tradition that would be somewhat more false and a bit odd.

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