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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think having lots of friends is over rated?

75 replies

Edgeoftheledge · 31/01/2021 16:08

A couple of friends is enough for me, I prefer to spend my time alone or with my DH and DCs.

I find making time to see friends difficult without having lots and don't understand how people manage.

Plus, I find friendships can be draining with people getting offended etc

OP posts:

HamAndButterSandwich · 31/01/2021 16:11

I know what you mean. I like having time to read, watch films and spend loads of time with family. A few close friends are lovely to have, absolutely loads I'd definitely begin to feel put upon. I'm more of an introvert though. I love socialising but not constantly and while I want to be a good friend I do begin to feel drained after a while.

anyoldname76 · 31/01/2021 16:14

I'd like to have one close friend but on the whole I'm quite happy with my family, dh and work friends. When I was younger I wanted a large group of friends, I was always the odd one out,and it did hurt a bit but as I've grown older I realise I don't really have the time, and my life is quite fulfilled

Sparklesocks · 31/01/2021 16:14

I think it depends on the sort of person you are and the dynamic you have with your friends. Of course quality is always been than quantity and it’s better to have 2 great friends than 100 casual acquaintances, but then there are people who have larger groups of friends who are just as solid.

HungryHippo20 · 31/01/2021 16:15

Definitely agree! I think as I've gotten older I've realised lots of friends not important just a few really good ones. I went through a bit of a phase cutting ties with friends I'd come to realise weren't genuine, the ones who just crave attention and drama which isn't what I want at this point in life. Now I reckon I only have 5/6 really good friends and they're all I need!

katy1213 · 31/01/2021 16:15

I think many people confuse acquaintances and friends.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 31/01/2021 16:15

They are not good friends then . Friends shouldn't be draining , they should enrich your life . Over the years I have quietly dropped those kinds of people..I have lots of friends , different categories if you know what I mean ( mum friends , work friends, my best friend from school etc etc) and we all have our own families so dont see each other all the time or all together.

I dont think having lots of friends is overrated, but I am a single parent and have had lots of ups and downs the past year and they have pulled me through.

Original poster

Edgeoftheledge · 31/01/2021 16:16

Of course quality is always been than quantity and it’s better to have 2 great friends than 100 casual acquaintances, but then there are people who have larger groups of friends who are just as solid.

Do you think thats true? I just can’t fathom how you can deep relationships with a lot of people at once?

OP posts:

HamAndButterSandwich · 31/01/2021 16:17

@Dontforgetyourbrolly My friends do enrich my life and are good friends but socialising in general no matter who it's with is tiring after a while if you're an introvert.

Original poster

Edgeoftheledge · 31/01/2021 16:19

I think many people confuse acquaintances and friends.

This

OP posts:

TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/01/2021 16:19

It definitely gets harder to maintain friendships when everyone has DC and jobs and live further apart. However I always find when I do make the time that I am SO glad I did. It's easier to do one-on-one, but getting everyone together is something special, and lifts you out of your everyday life. I miss it a lot!

Original poster

Edgeoftheledge · 31/01/2021 16:20

Bookmark

Today 16:17 HamAndButterSandwich

@Dontforgetyourbrolly My friends do enrich my life and are good friends but socialising in general no matter who it's with is tiring after a while if you're an introvert.
Bookmark

Yep I’m an introvert and find too mych of other people very draining.

OP posts:

Sparklesocks · 31/01/2021 16:22

@Edgeoftheledge but your experiences are your own and aren’t necessarily universal with everyone else’s 😊 I have a group of friends from school and a group of friends from university and feel very close with them all as individuals. We’ve been through different things together - weddings, miscarriages, deaths, divorces, new babies. I have group chats with both sets and I know I could call up any of them if I needed help or just wanted a chat. It’s just what works for me and them.

MatildaTheCat · 31/01/2021 16:22

I have a lot of friends who I have gathered over my whole life. Some I see weekly some not very often at all. I invest a lot of time in keeping in touch and also effort in bothering to remember about their lives and the conversations we’ve had. Obviously some are much closer than others but I do truly care about them all.

So yes, it is possible in just the same way, I suppose, you can have a large family and care about them just as much as a small family.

I was brought up with brothers and no sisters and always felt slightly left out so from a very early age I valued my friends very much.

multiporpose · 31/01/2021 16:23

''I think many people confuse acquaintances and friends.''

This and the truth is we don't know who our friends are until the chips are down. As I have gotten older I certainly do not count so many people as 'friends' and certainly keep people I once considered as 'friends' at arms length or be polite but don't let them get close simply because I have been burned too many times and am very careful now about who I trust.
I also find it much easier to do it on my own and don't feel the need to have a wide circle or put up with toxic people as in the past I'd accept bullshit rather than be alone. As we get older the great thing is we care less I think.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 31/01/2021 16:24

Apologies, I didnt read the op thoroughly..... I'm not an introvert.

I'm the opposite, I guess that's why lockdown has been extra tough

ShutUpAlex · 31/01/2021 16:24

I have about 10 true friends who I could phone at 3am for any reason and they’d be on my doorstep in 5 minutes. I’m very lucky to have them and couldn’t imagine life without them.

sofiaaaaaa · 31/01/2021 16:25

I am really lucky in that I have a lot of close friends and love it. I’m not close with my family though, so my friends are my family.

When I used to rent in London at uni, I never had a shortage of people who would let me live with them or even stay the night when I was in a difficult housing situation.

Never had a shortage of people to talk to/meet up with/go on holiday with etc. It’s lovely having lots of support that I never had from family.

Sallycinnamum · 31/01/2021 16:25

God no. I'd be lost without my close friends.

Much as I love my family, I try and spend as much time as I can with my friends. Well I did before covid anyway.

I have lots of work friends and acquaintances but my close friends mean the world to me.

HamAndButterSandwich · 31/01/2021 16:26

I think many people confuse acquaintances and friends.

To be fair there are different types of friends too. There are lifelong friends you could call for help at 3am, invite over for Christmas etc and there are also friendships which are less deep, people you enjoy meeting up with, maybe share an interest with but probably won't stay in touch with if you move to different areas or your schedule changes.

Original poster

Edgeoftheledge · 31/01/2021 16:27

I find it fascinating, just can’t fathom having lots of real friends, then energy and logistics!

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 31/01/2021 16:27

It depends entirely on your personality and lifestyle tbh. Some people find it easier to limit to a small group of close friends, others thrive on a wide social circle. There’s no one size fits all solution.

I am reasonably extrovert and I do have a small group of super close friends on whom I rely more than others but I don’t find it draining or exhausting to mix things up a bit and sometimes widen the circle. It’s not for everyone but it works for me.

As an aside, I have seen quite a lot of posts on here recently which suggest that there’s something negative and “draining” - this word comes up a lot - about seeing lots of people and I find it rather sad.

Of course not everyone wants to be the life and soul and out every night. But I do think the idea that your social circle becomes “fixed” at a certain number it can be a bit limiting. It’s important to stay open to the potential of meeting new people.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/01/2021 16:27

I think having only 2 good friends puts a lot of pressure on those friendships. I’ve lost friends before, I’ve gained friends- shit happens and I would hate for my kids and husband to be all i had to confide in and do things with. But each to their own op

multiporpose · 31/01/2021 16:28

''I have about 10 true friends who I could phone at 3am for any reason and they’d be on my doorstep in 5 minutes. ''

Have you tested this theory though? I mean great if you have but ime have you gone through hard times and they stood by you/included you etc? I find the more friends you have the less likely you are to truly know them until the friendship is put to the test.

ShutUpAlex · 31/01/2021 16:28

Why is it energy having friends?

ShutUpAlex · 31/01/2021 16:29

@multiporpose yes I have :) I have also been through horrible shit with them too as a friend. We’re a very close bunch.

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