To think having lots of friends is over rated?

[Edgeoftheledge]

A couple of friends is enough for me, I prefer to spend my time alone or with my DH and DCs.

I find making time to see friends difficult without having lots and don't understand how people manage.

Plus, I find friendships can be draining with people getting offended etc

I love having a lot of friends- happy to dip in and out with people! Don't care if that makes me a social butterfly! I'm a single parent too, and love the option of seeing a different friend every weekend (when times are normal). And no, I don't view them as acquaintances- I don't need to live in people's pockets for them to be good friends.

But yes, lockdown has been difficult given my socialising tendencies!!!

I don't think it's something that has or needs a rating, some people like to have lots of friends others don't. It's your personality not a good or bad thing, we're all different thats all

I'm quite introverted and love spending time with DP and my DM but I'd love to have at least one friend. It was quite sad not really having anyone to announce my pregnancy too.

I'd definitely rather have a couple of friends than lots though

I have PTSD which has given me severe social anxiety and caused me to become totally isolated. I miss having lots of friends, dinner parties, stuff going on, people to text and groups to share things with. I know some people prefer not to have that but I loved it and I miss it.

I think that’s quite a sad outlook on life to be honest. I have three best friends, all met separately and have been there for me at my lowest points. Same as me for them.

I have many other friends too, definitely don’t speak every day or even every month. But when we do speak and meet up (which we obviously haven’t done for a long time) then it feels like just yesterday that I last spoke to them.

I just find it odd that people would say I don’t have the energy for it. But for me I enjoy being with these people so it’s take no forced energy for me. No one demands anything from me and I don’t demand it off them.

georgarina so sorry to hear that. Please feel free to message me if you’d ever like to talk. We might even be the same age living in the same city

Nothing sad about it, Im very content🙂

I like having a lot of friends, it provides me with a range of different perspective and opportunities, I spend time with different friends for different reasons and I’ve never found my friendships “effort”. But then, I don’t really know anyone who could be described as hard work or a drama llama, my friends are all mature, self-sufficient and level headed women and men who own their shit and so all relationships are mutually supportive and enjoyable. I suspect that has a lot to do with it.

Friendships wax and wane but most of my friends have been there for me for 20 years and if I rang them today they’d help if they could. As I would for them. I don’t find it draining at all...but they don’t have crazy expectations and if they don’t hear from me for six months and then I get in touch to say hello there’s no offence taken.

My opinion is your outlook is sad. I also think if you were very content then this subject wouldn’t enter your head.

I'm glad for people who have lots of friends and enjoy that. I do wish, though, that some people understood that not everyone wants or needs that to be happy. It's not a character flaw to not need many friends. Especially if you have close familial relationships or a spouse who is your best friend, you may not have time or energy in your life for more, at the moment. There's nothing wrong with that, just as there's nothing wrong with surrounding yourself with 50 "best friends". The only difference is that people are rarely judged for having "too many" friends, but if you don't want friends, there are those who think there must be something wrong with you, or they pity you and assume you must be sad and lonely!

I sometimes think people have very high expectations of friends that are difficult for many people to meet. I have only once called a friend at 3am (when I went into premature labour and had no family nearby to look after my older DC), it's really not an everyday occurrence. Don't think I'd want to be friends with someone who had a life so chaotic that they needed to call friends for help in the middle of the night regularly. And, TBH, if my neighbour who I rarely speak to did it and had a genuine problem then of course I would help. It's not really a great test of friendship.

Friends for me are for pleasure. We can meet up regularly like my work friends or once every few months like some of my parenting friends or once every few years like my university and school friends. We do fun things together, catch up but have no expectations of each other, our lives are busy. If something bad happens then you'd keep in touch more regularly so they know you care. I don't really see this big division between acquaintances and friends, an acquaintance can become a friend and vice versa without any drama. And I think it's maybe partly to do with your stage of life, when you are young or old then your friends are probably more important but in your middle years work, children and elderly parents take so much of your time there sometimes isn't much time for friends.

Maintaining friendships doesn’t require undue amounts of “energy” for me

Most adults understand that you can’t respond to a text immediately - real friends won’t hold it against you

I always think that saying you have friends who you could call on at any time (middle of the night/emergercy) etc is weird. If I called on anyone I even vaguely know in the middle of the night they would come and help me. Seriously, bosses, people who work for me, any of my neighbours, friends of my parents, blah blah. They would all feel a moral obligation to help if I called out of the blue in a tiswas. That's a sign of being a decent person, not a friend.

Ooh cross post with Janina!

OP I'd recommend reading "quiet" by Susan Cain. I'm re-reading it at the moment. It's very insightful on this topic.

I suppose I have a medium amount of friends. I do find all the relationship graft that goes on hard work though... And to be honest probably have too high expectations. I'm very loyal and reliable, certainly not faultless but I struggle with flakiness and unreliable people.

Been very let down by a friend recently, she's showed her true colours. Am kicking myself for letting my guard down and letting her "in" as it were. It's not personal though she's been a flake with everyone.

I’m a bit of an introvert and find too much socialising tiring, but I love the friends I have and do make an effort to see them (before lockdown). It’s lovely knowing there are people who care about you and vice versa, to share fun times and laughs with and pick each other up when you’re down. Yes, a partner can do that but I think it’s quite unhealthy to rely on a partner for all of that - what if they died or left you? People need other people in their lives besides partners and family.

@Edgeoftheledge You may feel differently once your DC's move out and have their own families. Add to that ,possible relationship breakdown or becoming a widow. In these circumstances friends can be all thats left.

I don't understand how a partner and children can be expected to fulfill all your social needs. That seems quite odd. I also do not relate to friends being draining and too much work and dramatic etc etc. Maybe in high school. Anyway my teens can be even plenty dramatic and draining....

Maybe that is true for you, OP, but I don't think that therefore it means it is a universal truth. Some people are happy with just a couple of friends, some people have a lot of friends. Neither are wrong. We are all just different.

@katy1213

I think many people confuse acquaintances and friends.

I think this is true but also that a lot of people think - wrongly - that only deep, intense friendships bring anything to your life. The last year has really taught me how much I need a wide range of types of social contact - yes, I need close friends and family, but I also feel so much better with friendly colleagues, 'mum friends' who I don't have much deeply in common with but who are nice to have a coffee with while the kids play, even the nice friendly conversation with the woman who works in the sandwich shop at work who knows that if I buy a brownie I'm having a bad day... Most of those aren't 'friends' but those pleasant, friendly interactions improve my day. I've continued to have deep, long chats with close friends and family - though it's not the same over Zoom - but the friendly interactions have been mostly just totally missing and it does make life feel flatter.

I understand that introverts find lots of socialising exhausting and agree that it’s important to distinguish between close friends and acquaintances. But I think expecting a small group of people to fulfill all your emotional needs is both risky and quite self-limiting.

If you only ever confide in or spend time with a handful of people you are rarely exposed to new angles or perspectives, rarely challenged on your worldview etc. I don’t think it’s that healthy.

I think relying on just your spouse or partner for emotional or social sustenance is downright foolhardy. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you need an external sounding board outside of your primary relationship.

I only have a few friends, a couple I've known donkeys years from school and there is real love there. Others who are more recent so not as close. However, I would never ever rely on my friends for anything, going through a bad patch, something bad happens etc. I just deal with stuff myself. It's nothing about them, I just have an underlying belief that most people couldn't give a shiny shit about you and don't want to be burdened by your problems. I find it interesting when friends share bad times with me, its obviously totally normal but I would never reciprocate, even at 3am.

Not really, no! I don’t have much family so I value my friends. I have about 10-12 good/close friends but they’re not all friends themselves (although most know each other through me). I’ve known the majority of them since my teens - a few in the latter years through work/school run.
Yes, some can be annoying sometimes but I see that as getting irritated with your family, the closer you are to someone the more they can annoy!!!
I’m always up for meeting new people though - I love it when I click with someone totally.