Page 3 | To think having lots of friends is over rated?

Edgeoftheledge · 2021-01-31T16:08:58+00:00

A couple of friends is enough for me, I prefer to spend my time alone or with my DH and DCs. I find making time to see friends difficult without having lots and don't understand how people manage. Plus, I find friendships can be draining with people getting offended etc

partyatthepalace · 31/01/2021 17:53

This just depends on your personality and lifestyle - just because you find friends draining doesn’t mean others do and vv

I think we underrate friendship actually and don’t take it seriously enough. I think a good selection of friends enriched life enormously and also keeps one looking outward. I have friends of different types - some I would turn up at their door at 3am knowing I could stay for a month if I needed to (yes I have tested that and v v), others are inspiring an energising.

I think it’s a slightly lost art actually. If you are an introvert you will want more time alone so v possibly fewer friends, but I think there are few lives not enhanced by them.

unmarkedbythat · 31/01/2021 17:59

It really depends entirely on who you are and what you want.

MiaMarshmallows · 31/01/2021 18:01

More the better,
Dp and I have a lot of friends and couldn't be without them. We love to socialise and are very lucky to have a big number of true friends.

Original poster

Edgeoftheledge · 31/01/2021 18:06

Cyw2018

OP I'd recommend reading "quiet" by Susan Cain. I'm re-reading it at the moment. It's very insightful on this topic.

Thank you, I will have a read of that.

I think its interesting how introverts cant understand extroverts ways and vice versa!

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gannett · 31/01/2021 18:12

I'm an introvert who loves socialising, meeting new people and making new friends. The introversion just means (in non-covid times) I just go into my cave for a while in between social engagements - that's how I recharge.

To answer the question - the friends I've gathered over my life are my chosen family, and mean more to me than any bio family. They've been there for me, supported me, laughed and cried with me. I don't need to be in constant contact to know this is a lifelong bond. Some have moved away, some I haven't been in regular contact with for years. But all of us can and have come back into circulation after periods of relative silence, and when we pick up again it's as if no time has passed.

DilemmaADay · 31/01/2021 18:12

I agree it's better to have a few quality friends rather than loads of friends who may not have your best interests at heart.

I do think its very unhealthy though to only want to hang out with DPs and DC....when your DC grow up and get their own lives and if (hopefully not) you ever divorced your DP, what would you do. Its surely good to have a mix of people around who bring different things to your life rather than codependence on a DP

Original poster

Edgeoftheledge · 31/01/2021 18:14

I do think its very unhealthy though to only want to hang out with DPs and DC....when your DC grow up and get their own lives and if (hopefully not) you ever divorced your DP, what would you do. Its surely good to have a mix of people around who bring different things to your life rather than codependence on a DP

I do have a few friends and mix with other people through work, talking to neighbours, in shops etc. I’m not interested in having lots of friends though, certainly not because of what may or may not happen in the future.

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SushiSoozie · 31/01/2021 18:19

People are so self-absorbed. Your OP is "I don't like something so I think its not a good thing for anyone and anyone who says different is lying"

How about you do what works for you, other people do what works for them, and you have less opinions on the latter?

Edenspirits · 31/01/2021 18:21

Interesting thread! I feel like friend issues & discussions seem to have come up a lot on here in the last year- probably because of covid.

I have a mix of friends from all different areas of my life - some friends of 30 years and others a few years - I agree with the idea of situational friends. I just hope if I move and am ever on my own, I continue to try and make friends and socialise etc! Might join the WI or something 🤣

Original poster

Edgeoftheledge · 31/01/2021 18:21

People are so self-absorbed. Your OP is "I don't like something so I think its not a good thing for anyone and anyone who says different is lying"

How about you do what works for you, other people do what works for them, and you have less opinions on the latter?

👍🏻

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DilemmaADay · 31/01/2021 18:21

@Edgeoftheledge that's fair enough OP Just read that your introverted as well, I think if this is working for you and you're happy, that's the main thing

ginghamtablecloths · 31/01/2021 18:22

I get you OP. We had some very extrovert friends who'd often say that they'd held a party (pre-Covid) and 'had 20 people round the table' as though it made the gathering better. They really were nice people, not boastful or unpleasant but numbers mattered to them as they loved big parties. All hail fellow well met type of thing. As an introvert I found such events a bit wearing.

I prefer a more intimate gathering with just a few friends. That's just me. Neither is right or wrong, just different.

majesticallyawkward · 31/01/2021 18:23

Absolutely don't understand how anyone manages lots of friends and social engagements. It's so draining and time consuming!

I'm very much for having a few close friends who don't mind that I disappear or avoid large crowds. Although one of my chosen few is the type to be everyone's friend, never turns down an invite and honestly just hearing about her life stresses me out! Pre Covid she'd be at a wedding/christening/party every weekend, out 4 or 5 nights a week all with different people and we'd arrange things months in advance. When her dc came along she refused to miss anything and would take a newborn/baby along to pub quizzes and parties (which I could never face regularly, having a baby out at night just entails too much).
I have maybe 6 people I'd call friends, more that I know and get on with, chat to but wouldn't call 'friend'. Even that is a bit much at times on top of dh and 2 dc.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/01/2021 18:27

I have one "best" friend who lives local. Saw each other tons when both single, when we can now we have kids.
But I would say on top of that there's 10-12 who are good friends - we talk frequently, share our lives , talk about the bad stuff as well as the good etc.
There's a couple more who o don't necessarily share lots with but who's company I really enjoy and actually miss them the most of my friends.

Is that "too many" op?

Original poster

Edgeoftheledge · 31/01/2021 18:27

Today 18:21 DilemmaADay

@Edgeoftheledge that's fair enough OP smile Just read that your introverted as well, I think if this is working for you and you're happy, that's the main thing
Book

I think thats the thing, its what ever works for an individual. We are all different.

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Original poster

Edgeoftheledge · 31/01/2021 18:28

I have one "best" friend who lives local. Saw each other tons when both single, when we can now we have kids.
But I would say on top of that there's 10-12 who are good friends - we talk frequently, share our lives , talk about the bad stuff as well as the good etc.
There's a couple more who o don't necessarily share lots with but who's company I really enjoy and actually miss them the most of my friends.

Is that "too many" op?

Not if your happy

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MaelyssQ · 31/01/2021 18:38

I have lots of different friendship groups and I love them all, they bring me a lot of happiness. I also have a lovely husband and adult children, who do the same. I like my life, it works for me. I'll be glad when we're all vaccinated and can see each other again rather than through a computer screen!!

Obviously if you find it stressful or don't get any pleasure out of socialising, then fine. But if having no friends works for one person doesn't mean it's wrong or strange for others to enjoy the company of people other than immediate family.

SnapCracklesPop · 31/01/2021 18:48

I don't know, I honestly can't imagine my life without friends.
Social media is brilliant to stay in touch without effort when you are busy or not in the mood, and stop any pressure of making efforts.

But it's great to catch up.
In normal times, we would be meeting friends most weekends, either them staying over or us spending a weekend.

Most of my friends are spread over, so it's lovely to meet and visit for holidays or something.

With real friends, it's like you've never left, you just catch up as if you lived together.

aintnothinbutagstring · 31/01/2021 18:58

I'm closer to my family circle as I get older, I feel I can trust them more even if we don't always see eye to eye. I think with family, compared to friends, there's a sense of direct altruism and family obligation and duty, same as if you're married, so if chips are down, you're sort of obligated to be there for one another whether you like it or not. Whereas friends can drop you if they feel like it, as is their right, there's no sense of obligation to be there for you. I think maybe I have a mafia mindset

georgarina · 31/01/2021 20:01

@VeronicaHarmonica

georgarina so sorry to hear that. Please feel free to message me if you’d ever like to talk. We might even be the same age living in the same city

Thanks a lot :) means a lot to be able to share x

Smiledwiththerisingsun · 31/01/2021 21:40

I love my friends.
Have lots of them.
Love my family.
Lots of them too.
I guess it's different strokes for different folks hey OP? 🤷‍♀️

Grapewrath · 31/01/2021 21:44

I think it depends. I have lots of friends, they enrich my life and we have fun together or we support each other. I enjoy going to lunch or spas, or walks.
I don’t think having g lots or few is better but it depends entirely on your personality type. I’d feel suffocated having only one or two friends

hellejuice91 · 31/01/2021 22:39

I would say I have a couple of very close friends and a lot of what I would term 'comfortable acquaintances', people that I can have a laugh with talk to via text fairly often and during non covid time see semi-regularly, but they don't know my deep dark secrets nor do I know theirs.

To me if keeping up with friendships is emotionally draining and hard work, you probably don't have the right sort of friendships that suit you.

TedMullins · 01/02/2021 01:18

@aintnothinbutagstring

I'm closer to my family circle as I get older, I feel I can trust them more even if we don't always see eye to eye. I think with family, compared to friends, there's a sense of direct altruism and family obligation and duty, same as if you're married, so if chips are down, you're sort of obligated to be there for one another whether you like it or not. Whereas friends can drop you if they feel like it, as is their right, there's no sense of obligation to be there for you. I think maybe I have a mafia mindset

Really couldn’t disagree more with this! For me and several others I know our families (or some members anyway) are seriously lacking in providing support and its friends who’ve been there when we really needed someone. I don’t believe being biologically related to someone means they’ll automatically be a good person to you. It’s great if it works out like that but I think too many people use the ‘but they’re family’ excuse not to cut out toxic relatives when their lives would be better for it

thepeopleversuswork · 01/02/2021 07:27

To me if keeping up with friendships is emotionally draining and hard work, you probably don't have the right sort of friendships that suit you.

I totally agree with this.
I think if you find having friends exhausting that's a fairly strong indicator that they are not the right sort of friends for you. Are you a bit of a people pleaser?
I've noticed that often people who are slightly less outgoing and more inclined to be passive or people pleasing often attract very strong and domineering personalities in friendships -- presumably because the strong personalities often want people who they won't clash with. I think if you find friends "draining" its worth considering that you may not feel you have enough power in the relationship and that you're getting railroaded by people. Is this the case?
Friendship shouldn't be hard or difficult: your friends should complement and support you: but it does take self-knowledge and the ability to stand up for yourself and draw boundaries. If you are just being friends with people out of obligation or a lack of ability to push back that might be part of the problem.