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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend OH money

60 replies

Poptart4 · 30/01/2021 16:14

Background: together years, have kids, house etc. We share all bill's and expenses and then split the rest so we both have are own spending money.

OH is always broke and it's purely down to bad money management. Every week he borrows money from me and afew other family members just to get through the week. He always pays it back but that leaves him broke so afew days later hes looking for another lend. It's a never ending cycle and I'm sick of it. To be clear hes not borrowing money for anything essential this is just spending money for coffees or smokes or whatever every day luxuries he wants. He also buys alot of crap off Ebay.

Anyway hes asked for another lend today and ive told him no. I have to budget my money to get through the week and at 42, if he cant then that's though for him.

I'm not the only one sick of his constant borrowing. Theres a long list of relative's who now refuse to lend him money.

Hes now in a huff and I'm the biggest bitch going.

AIBU

OP posts:
itchyfinger · 30/01/2021 16:15

Does he have a job? Why doesnt he have his own money?

CakeRequired · 30/01/2021 16:17

Dump him. Come on you're his partner, not his bank. Find someone better.

NovemberR · 30/01/2021 16:18

I'd lend money as a one off, or in an emergency.

Apart from that I'd expect a grown up to be..well... grown up.

4redSocks · 30/01/2021 16:20

Can you help him write all his outgoings down and what he has left and then divide it between 4 weeks.

Does he really need to buy coffee out all the time?

DianaT1969 · 30/01/2021 16:20

Have you had a proper discussion with a list of outgoings, and talked about your plans to save and put money into pensions etc? I would do that. Your OP makes it sound as if you're flatmates and you need to change the dynamic to a team with a shared purpose.

Original poster
Poptart4 · 30/01/2021 16:22

@itchyfinger if you properly read the post he does have his own money, he just spends it all on crap. And because hes always borrowing by the time he pays everyone back hes broke again and has to borrow again.

@CakeRequired your right I'm not his bank. Every penny hes borrowed from he he has always paid back. It's just the constant requests for lends week after week I'm getting sick of.

To be clear this is spending money I'm talking about. All bills/food/expenses are paid for by both of us.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 30/01/2021 16:22

Tough, if he's used all his spending money already he'll have to do without stuff. Why should he get some of your money every week just because he spends all his faster?

Godimabitch · 30/01/2021 16:23

Are you getting equal money afterwards? If so YANBU. If you can manage on that then so can he.
If he was actually getting less money, say if you earn more but both pay 5050 bills so you end up with more money then you might want to look at changing that arrangement.

userxx · 30/01/2021 16:27

Totally agree with you. He needs to curb his spending on crap, I'm also with someone who is rubbish with money and it pisses me off.

IMightCry · 30/01/2021 16:27

He needs to break that cycle. I'm currently doing it with my over draft. I always spend my wages and £200 over draft before payday. This month, I plan to break that cycle. Its tough but I'll have, £200 more next month!

Original poster
Poptart4 · 30/01/2021 16:29

@4redSocks @DianaT1969 I have tried to help him many times but unfortunately OH is a spender and I've come to realise hes never going to change. His spending doesnt affect me as all essentials and the kids are always looked after before spending money is divided. I earn more but we're a family so everything, including spends is split 50/50.

The fact that OH is a spender is the reason we have separate spending money as I know if it was all in the one pot he'd spend most of it.

OP posts:
mrsbyers · 30/01/2021 16:31

Tell him to use eBay to sell some of the shit he’s bought in the past

4redSocks · 30/01/2021 16:32

Ahhh it would really annoy me someone who cannot save and is asking to borrow money.

Stick to your guns don’t lend him anything.

niveacreme · 30/01/2021 16:34

If he always pays it back I’m not sure what the problem is

4redSocks · 30/01/2021 16:37

@niveacreme

If he always pays it back I’m not sure what the problem is
It’s the lack of responsibility and the entitlement to ask his family members.

If OP wanted to borrow from her partner he wouldn’t have any money left to give her as he’s spent it all.

Not to mention it’s poor budgeting in general. It’s not OPs responsibility and it’s embarrassing asking family members? Blush

tttigress · 30/01/2021 16:37

Tell him to go on a spending spree in Poundland!!

mbosnz · 30/01/2021 16:41

I'd just be telling him I'd already spent my money.

BackforGood · 30/01/2021 16:44

We split our money like that, as I am tight a saver, and dh is naturally a spender. The difference is, he grasps the idea that we both have our spending money, and, when it is gone, it is gone.

I was going to suggest maybe you could do a sort of 'gradual' withdrawal of loans if he has been relying on them for years, whilst you help him to grasp budgeting, but I see you've tried to help him in the past and he doesn't want to know, so I think YANBU at all.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/01/2021 16:47

Definitely stop enabling him. I don't know how you've put up with this bullshit, honestly. My respect for him would be gone. My kids were more responsible with their money as teens than your grown husband is. It's ridiculous.

itchyfinger · 30/01/2021 17:05

I did 'properly read the post' - no mention of a job or whether he borrows from peter to pay paul. Jeez.

NotFabulousDarling · 30/01/2021 17:13

@Aquamarine1029

Definitely stop enabling him. I don't know how you've put up with this bullshit, honestly. My respect for him would be gone. My kids were more responsible with their money as teens than your grown husband is. It's ridiculous.
This ^^ If you don't have kids, I'd suggest throw him back and find another one. In his 40s, he's unlikely to grow out of this. Cut him off. It's a form of financial control because you only have money when he deigns to pay you back.
SunsetSenora · 30/01/2021 17:20

If he is spending on stuff like smokes and coffees, there is a really easy way to stop constantly being behind like that - he just needs to stop for a few weeks and let himself get ahead. The problem here is that he feels entitled to have other people prop him up, and this is a really toxic. I would be really wary of anyone like this.

BubblyBarbara · 30/01/2021 17:52

Come on you're his partner, not his bank.

If it were the other way around hed be "financially controlling" and what's his is hers etc

Merryoldgoat · 30/01/2021 17:56

Do you have the same amount of spending money each month - you say everything is 50/50 but you earn more.

Just trying to understand the set up.

katy1213 · 30/01/2021 18:01

I wouldn't be splitting 50/50 with him. You earn more - so split the bills and keep the surplus for yourself. Why should you be subsidising his spending habit?

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