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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not lend OH money

60 replies

Poptart4 · 30/01/2021 16:14

Background: together years, have kids, house etc. We share all bill's and expenses and then split the rest so we both have are own spending money.

OH is always broke and it's purely down to bad money management. Every week he borrows money from me and afew other family members just to get through the week. He always pays it back but that leaves him broke so afew days later hes looking for another lend. It's a never ending cycle and I'm sick of it. To be clear hes not borrowing money for anything essential this is just spending money for coffees or smokes or whatever every day luxuries he wants. He also buys alot of crap off Ebay.

Anyway hes asked for another lend today and ive told him no. I have to budget my money to get through the week and at 42, if he cant then that's though for him.

I'm not the only one sick of his constant borrowing. Theres a long list of relative's who now refuse to lend him money.

Hes now in a huff and I'm the biggest bitch going.

AIBU

OP posts:

CaptainVanesHair · 30/01/2021 18:06

He’s so shortsighted. If he broke the cycle for a couple of weeks and laid some ground rules down for himself (essentially waiting/ thinking about if he really needs something) he’d be straight in a few weeks surely?

MixedUpFiles · 30/01/2021 18:08

He could easily solve this problem with one disciplined budgetary period.

He could also ditch the smokes and probably have lot more discretionary income, but he already knows that.

BackforGood · 30/01/2021 18:19

No it wouldn't Bubbly - OP and her dp have already put their money together into the one pot for all bilss, and then have split what is left equally, to do what they want with. It is then up to each of them what they do with their own "spending money".

Merryoldgoat · 30/01/2021 18:24

@BackforGood

OP hasn’t said that.

She said she earns more, bills are 50/50 and what’s left is split - I could be wrong but I suspect it’s not an equal amount of spending money for each.

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/01/2021 18:28

Yanbu at all!. He needs to learn somehow.

okletsdothis · 30/01/2021 19:44

OP hasn’t said that.

She said she earns more, bills are 50/50 and what’s left is split - I could be wrong but I suspect it’s not an equal amount of spending money for each.

Yes you're wrong @Merryoldgoat, OP literally said exactly that:

I earn more but we're a family so everything, including spends is split 50/50.

Merryoldgoat · 30/01/2021 20:09

@okletsdothis

OP hasn’t said that.

She said she earns more, bills are 50/50 and what’s left is split - I could be wrong but I suspect it’s not an equal amount of spending money for each.

Yes you're wrong @Merryoldgoat, OP literally said exactly that:

I earn more but we're a family so everything, including spends is split 50/50.

Oh thank you - I misunderstood and thought bills were split 50/50 - I must’ve had a stupid minute. Many apologies OP.

If that’s the case then of course OP is not being unreasonable and her husband needs to be better with his money without a doubt.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/01/2021 20:15

So you’re subsidising him and that’s still not enough? It would really piss me off. Suggest he only uses cash for a bit, it feels more real than card.

Chloemol · 30/01/2021 20:25

Let him huff. And if it continues I would point out that you already subsidise his spending as you earn more, but let that go because you are happy to do that

He needs to become more disciplined and the only person who can do that is him

partyatthepalace · 30/01/2021 20:29

No, stop lending it to him, why should you sacrifice your spending money.

InTheDrunkTank · 30/01/2021 20:30

The whole point of separate spending money is so that if one person can't budget the other doesn't suffer. If he uses up his spending money he faces the consequences not you. He needs to grow up.

roxybear · 30/01/2021 20:33

How much do you each give yourself to spend on yourself each month? Is it realistic?

littlepattilou · 30/01/2021 20:35

@Poptart4

Not much help here, but why the F are you with this person?

I wouldn't have tolerated this when I was 21, let alone in my 40s!

Oh and YANBU!

Joinedjustforthispost · 30/01/2021 20:51

Just as well you have separate finances or he would have you both broke. Yanbu in the slightest op, normally I’d be saying a as a couple money should go in the family pot but your system seems the sensible option he needs to learn that poor money management can leave you in the poop! I remember being this way at 20 but I’ve grown up and learned the hard way.

LouiseTrees · 30/01/2021 21:18

He could sell some of the crap he buys to tide him through

TallTowerFan · 30/01/2021 21:30

He's taking the piss. Please keep saying no.

Fwiw op , we have the same financial set up. Mainly because we're on a tight budget , but it works for us as my husband likes to save for expensive hobby items and I like to spend little and often on mine.

We both understand that once our money's gone it's gone though.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2021 21:38

God this is so unattractive. It’s like a teen asking his mum for pocket money, I don’t know how you stomach it.

What makes it even worse is he then acts like a teenager and throws a strop when you say no.

🤮

niveacreme · 31/01/2021 06:46

@katy1213

I wouldn't be splitting 50/50 with him. You earn more - so split the bills and keep the surplus for yourself. Why should you be subsidising his spending habit?

HA! if a man said that...

Love51 · 31/01/2021 06:53

@SunsetSenora

If he is spending on stuff like smokes and coffees, there is a really easy way to stop constantly being behind like that - he just needs to stop for a few weeks and let himself get ahead. The problem here is that he feels entitled to have other people prop him up, and this is a really toxic. I would be really wary of anyone like this.

I don't think it works like that with smoking.

Stopping an addiction isn't 'easy'.

LunaLula83 · 31/01/2021 07:02

Give him the money and say its the last time. Call him out on his behaviour. Tell him you were disappointed in him.

Notcrackersyet · 31/01/2021 07:20

Does he have any savings? Is he planning for retirement?

lifestooshort123 · 31/01/2021 07:24

Dump him. Come on you're his partner, not his bank. Find someone better
Mumsnet never disappoints, does it?!
I'd ignore the huff and let him get over himself. If he asks again, give him a steely look and walk away. Well done by the way.

RiojaRose · 31/01/2021 07:27

I’m also not sure I understand the set up. You both work, you earn more, but he’s paying 50% of the bills? When I was in this situation we paid bills proportionally (I earned more so I paid more) but we split the (small amount of) leftover cash 50/50. It seemed fairer that way.

In your situation OP it’s the constant borrowing that would annoy me. Have you talked to him about it?

MsSquiz · 31/01/2021 07:45

@RiojaRose if all of their money is put into a pot, then split evenly 50/50 for bills and spends, why does it matter that she puts more in than he does? He also benefits from her larger salary on his available spends

@Poptart4 He knows he doesn't need to budget because he can just borrow every month as he has been... so all of the left over money might as well be in one pot, because he is spending his and some of yours!

ZorbaTheHoarder · 31/01/2021 08:39

Hi OP,

Perhaps you could try saying to him "so what are YOU going to do about ending this stupid situation you have got yourself into"?

If he stops spending money on crap, he won't keep running out of money...

It's good you're putting your foot down - the ball really is in his court now.

As to whether someone who has always been a "spender" can change, I don't know...

Stay strong!

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