How’s your mum?

[Toddlertalkslots]

Just something I’ve been thinking about recently, more since I had my own child.
How involved/caring is your mum? I know my mum loves me and don’t doubt that, but she’s always been quite removed from me, I noticed it as a child and even now as an adult, she’s not how I hope to be with my adult daughter.
For example, I’ve had long covid since March and have some days when it’s quite bad. If she messages to ask how we are and I mention it, she never replies anything about it, doesn’t give any advice or sympathy..nothing really, just ignores it.
I’m in another country to my family, but they visit quite a lot (well, pre covid) they stay for weeks and she’s never once offered to sit with baby whilst I have a break or helped with dinner, which I make every night. They normally stay with us for DD’s birthday. I put a lot of effort into it as I enjoy doing all that, pinning up surprise balloons, preparing food etc, she just sits looking at me, I don’t need help, just I think if it was me, I’d want to?
When I had Dd, I think, looking back I possibly had some pnd, Dd had bad colic and I was away in another country alone for most of the day. She never offered any advice or even really engaged with me when I joked about how hard I found it sometimes, I think my dad offers much more help!
I have a vivid memory of going away for the first time with Brownies when younger, it was quite a big deal for me as I was a shy child and none of us had stayed away from home before. When our parents arrived, they all ran up to give a cuddle to their child and I remember my mum just walking up to me, no contact, nothing, we just walked to the car.
I realise everyone is different and there was perhaps less affection in those days, I’m not sure, I just want my dd to always know she’s loved and am very affectionate, it’s just a natural thing to me, because I love her 🤷🏻‍♀️
How’s your mum?

I live in a different country to my parents too. When my mom came over every 8 weeks (pre covid) she babysat so we could have date night, she took my DD to the park, she cooked, hoovered, tidied up, bought groceries. She messages me every day to see if my girls and I are ok. She can be a bit overbearing and opinionated, especially now with covid as she worries about us getting it, but she is incredibly helpful. I think she is compensating for not being around. She is honestly my best friend, as pathetic as that sounds. She is unusual though I think. My DHs mum doesnt message him much, doesnt help with the kids, generally wants to take pics of my DDs and might read them a book but not much else, and she lives 40 mins away.

I've reflected on my relationship with my mum over the past few years, since becoming a parent.

Amongst other things, I now realise that she's very limited in her emotional support. Therapy has really helped me understand this. I'd recommend it.

I was very close to my mum, she died just before my Daughters first Birthday. She was very involved in helping me, she loved being around her/us and would often have DD for me when I worked or overnight if I had somewhere to be/travel. We spoke almost every day. I miss her. I was very lucky.

My mum is immensely kind with physical things as well as offering practical help ( pre covid). She says her mum was good to her and her mum’s mum was the same so I’d best be the same with my dc.

Perhaps your mum didn’t have this and doesn’t get it but you are breaking that cycle?

@TwirpingBird That’s lovely ☺️ see if love you have that. I find also, we talk just mainly about her worries/which is mainly about my dad, which I don’t really want to talk about, but listen and support as I know everyone needs that. It always leaves me worried and stressed and even when I was pregnant (high risk pregnancy, I found she was offloading to me all the time and I felt really stressed, but again, wanted to help.
I know she’d be devastated if she knew I felt like this, I just want her to care/support more I suppose? I’ve dropped so many jokey hints about not having even two hours one night away from Dd ever(almost 3 years) my dad always tells us to go out but my mum doesn’t look happy about that offer, so I don’t go further with it,
I’m not sure, as I child I always had the sense I’d done something wrong, but wasn’t sure what, which probably sounds quite strange!
Funny how you question things more when you have your own children.

*I’d love to have that

Like @WaveAndSmile, having a child has been the catalyst for a lot of rethinking about my childhood and my parents.

My mother sounds a lot like yours except she is highly critical and negative on top of it. She’s never hugged me or told me she loves me. She almost seems repulsed by me. She also seems to enjoy it if I struggle.

Once I started to realise how much of an effect her lack of warmth has had on me I became very sad for little anxietyaunt who tried so hard to please her. Followed closely by the terrifying thought I might do the same thing to my own child.

But I realise now she and I are very different people and very different mothers. My son knows I’m there for him and how much I love him. Our days are full of warmth and cuddles and I love yous. I can’t get enough of the boy.

I know it’s sad and hard, especially when you see friends with close relationships with their mothers. But you can’t change your mother OP. You can, however, use your disappointment in a positive way and channel it into your relationship with your child.

@Moominmama5 Yes I have wondered that. When my lovely grandma passed away, I remember her talking later about knowing that she loved her (mums mum loved my mum) because they used to do a few nice things together etc, but I could sense she was holding back on something. She also always believed my auntie (her sister) was the favoured one (she doesn’t say it outright, but I can see something there) as my auntie was outgoing and chatty etc, my mum was painfully shy and reserved. I’ve seen this carried on to the different way she treated my sister and I (my sister being favoured, through no fault of her own-my sister’s great and possibly even saw that herself and found it unfair to me)
Just sad how patterns can continue and the innocent can be hurt, a child deserves more.

@anxietyaunt So sorry, that must be really hard, I agree about being very different people. My Dd drives me nuts at times, but it’s just completely natural for me to always want to know how much she’s loved, perhaps it gets harder the older they get? 🤷🏻‍♀️
My mum isn’t critical (well, possibly not to my face) she’s quite reserved and I maybe wonder if she’s wary of stepping on my toes in regard to Dd, but I really want her to step on my toes! I’d love her to take the initiative more, to help us and to maybe be able to chat with me more.
For example when trying to talk to her after the birth of Dd, I was quite open and honest and asked if she’d found it hard some days etc, everything is poo pooed and she seems to have never had any problems and the things I say seem silly to her. But they’re normal things about being a mother I discuss with friends, I don’t think I’m saying anything silly or unusual 🤷🏻‍♀️
It’s like she can’t get to a certain place, open herself up to it, if that makes sense? On the flip side, she’s a very sensitive, emotional person..families are confusing!

My mum would have said she was very caring, I would have said she was an emotional mess.
She wasn’t very helpful in a practical sense and if I ever bought up any concerns she made it all about her. Eg if baby was ill and I asked for advice it would become all about her and how worried she was that baby was ill.
In the end we had a very superficial relationship, because I couldn’t cope with all of her emoting.

That sounds sad @Toddlertalkslots . I also feel sorry for your mum, she sounds shy and reserved by nature so it's no surprise that she didn't express her emotions when she collected you from Brownies. Maybe she has social anxiety? What stood out for me is that first your mum's mother wanted your mother to be more chatty and outgoing (like your auntie) and now you, her daughter are also finding her reserved personality not good enough. I don't mean this in an unkind way just an interesting pattern. Is there any way you could accept your mum as she is and relate to her in a different but also close way? Or tell her exactly what you need from her? Any chance she could be on the spectrum?

My mum is supportive in practical ways and often puts her dc and dgc's needs above her own. But she is not great at emotional support at all and never has been. I was loved and looked after but she did not actually much engage with me IYSWIM. I find that sad as well.

@LasPingPong Sorry you misunderstood or I’ve not conveyed it properly perhaps. I don’t need or want her to be more outgoing, I can be pretty shy myself, i just always never felt that love, that affection, completely. Even if you’re shy or reserved, surely you can love and relate to your child when they’re young and see they need that, having been away from hone 🤷🏻‍♀️Wouldn’t you have naturally missed them and even given a kiss? I don’t know...
My grandma didn’t want her to be louder, my mum feels this herself that my sister was the more outgoing one, I think it’s her own issue? I really don’t think my grandma felt that? I can’t be sure of course

My mum was the best. She raised 6 of us while holding down 3 jobs.
She dealt with my teenage pregnancy although it absolutely killed her inside.
When we all were older my mum wanted for nothing. Her 22 grandchildren all adored her.
In her final year's she developed dementia and sadly didn't know us anymore but we still managed to have a laugh with her.
When my mum passed away all of us were around her bed for days we never left her alone.
My mum was the most caring loving person I have ever known. I miss her💕💕

@LasPingPong It’s never crossed my mind she could be on the spectrum, I’ve always just seen her as being very shy in certain situations, but can’t see any other indications. I don’t see how replying to my texts about being ill could be difficult though? Even a sentence of support, I find it quite bizarre

She's dead.

So sorry @cripez

Instead of making hints and jokes and hoping she reads your mind, why don't you try directly asking her for what you need?

@user13752257 By saying what though 🤷🏻‍♀️Please can you talk to me and ask how I am and look like you’re interested/care, how hard is that! 🙈

Mine's dead. I'm not sad about it, which is awful but true. She would have told you that she was a good mum despite the stresses life handed her. In reality, she was a classic narcissist and a bully. There was no physical affectionate, I rarely remember her hugging me. Any negative thing happening in a day would mean she'd be in a foul mood for hours/days. She only ever saw her own problems (many were of her own making) and from a very young age dumped a lot on me.

She was very similar to Edina from AbFab, thought she was a very 'cool' mum when in fact she was just making me the adult in her sted. She was horrendously jealous of my younger sister, who was everything she had been in her youth and more - pretty, popular, genuinely funny, the girl everyone wanted to be friends with. My mother tried to bring her down constantly, the competing with her (and me) as we got older was embarrassing at least, abusive at the worst. I was 'weird' and possibly a 'lesbian or autistic' due to being an introvert and not shagging down the park at 15 .

She died too young and in a way I wouldn't wish on anyone. However, being away from her was like someone slowly drawing a poison from my body. It's not all gone, but I'm a much happier person without her in my life.

"she’s not how I hope to be with my adult daughter."

Herein lies the rub. You have not been through that stage in life yet. It is oh so easy when you have younger children to think they will always love you, always appreciate your parenting but the truth is, many, many do not. Adults have a lot more opinions than children, one day your child might write the post you have written today but with their own spin on you.

Wait until your child is an adult, you may understand your mum better yet.

they stay for weeks and she’s never once offered to sit with baby whilst I have a break or helped with dinner, which I make every night.

"Mum, could you watch DD on Tuesday evening while I go out for a few hours?"

Another poster who since having kids has reflected on my mum and realised she isn’t actually there for me emotionally. I even tried to ask her directly for what I wanted when I was really ill with my pregnancy and she just ended up patronising me and making it worse not better.

Vidid memories include being winded as a child and really scared and all my mum said was don’t worry your just winded. I would be comforting and hugging my child till they felt safe again not ignoring them.

I am having therapy and realised she always invalidated my feelings, like they don’t matter or it’s a competition to who has it worse. Leads to low self esteem and always being very self critical.

I would definitely recommend some counselling / cbt

My mam was amazing as a mother and granny. She passed away in March of last year and she is so desperately missed. She did everything for us and my two boys had a very close relationship with her.
I’m sorry you don’t have the relationship you’d like to have with your mother op.

My mum is the absolute last person I'd go to for support. Her first thought when anything happens to anyone is How does this affect me? She talks the talk and in her head, that makes it the truth. She is also very overbearing and manipulative. I think she has a personality disorder of some sort.

I'm struggling a bit with my childhood at the moment, I dont really have any happy memories. I've not spoken to my mum in over 3 weeks as something happened that showed me she is still the same nasty person she ever was. She doesnt add anything to my life except negativity. I'm not sure yet how I want to proceed with the relationship in the future but I'm enjoying the break.

See? There are so many posters here with bad things to say about their mothers without realising their children might do the same to them when they are adults.

One day your children will be adults judging your every move.