How’s your mum?

[Toddlertalkslots]

Just something I’ve been thinking about recently, more since I had my own child.
How involved/caring is your mum? I know my mum loves me and don’t doubt that, but she’s always been quite removed from me, I noticed it as a child and even now as an adult, she’s not how I hope to be with my adult daughter.
For example, I’ve had long covid since March and have some days when it’s quite bad. If she messages to ask how we are and I mention it, she never replies anything about it, doesn’t give any advice or sympathy..nothing really, just ignores it.
I’m in another country to my family, but they visit quite a lot (well, pre covid) they stay for weeks and she’s never once offered to sit with baby whilst I have a break or helped with dinner, which I make every night. They normally stay with us for DD’s birthday. I put a lot of effort into it as I enjoy doing all that, pinning up surprise balloons, preparing food etc, she just sits looking at me, I don’t need help, just I think if it was me, I’d want to?
When I had Dd, I think, looking back I possibly had some pnd, Dd had bad colic and I was away in another country alone for most of the day. She never offered any advice or even really engaged with me when I joked about how hard I found it sometimes, I think my dad offers much more help!
I have a vivid memory of going away for the first time with Brownies when younger, it was quite a big deal for me as I was a shy child and none of us had stayed away from home before. When our parents arrived, they all ran up to give a cuddle to their child and I remember my mum just walking up to me, no contact, nothing, we just walked to the car.
I realise everyone is different and there was perhaps less affection in those days, I’m not sure, I just want my dd to always know she’s loved and am very affectionate, it’s just a natural thing to me, because I love her 🤷🏻‍♀️
How’s your mum?

My mum isn’t supportive emotionally, practically or financially. In fact, we barely talk.
I sometimes wonder if I should make more effort but then remind myself that I did make all of the effort and when I stopped, so did the regular contact.
She’s a massive attention seeker with a multitude of addictions. I don’t feel I’ve ever had a Mum tbh

I was closer to my DF because we were similar in outlook. Her own DM was a great nan to us but a harsh mum to DM when she was younger and i think looking back they both had pnd and never really bonded with their children.
DM and my birthday are a couple of days apart. She had to go into hospital a few days before i was born and always told me i spoilt that birthday for her by causing her to be in hospital .

@Fairyliz

My mum would have said she was very caring, I would have said she was an emotional mess. She wasn’t very helpful in a practical sense and if I ever bought up any concerns she made it all about her. Eg if baby was ill and I asked for advice it would become all about her and how worried she was that baby was ill. In the end we had a very superficial relationship, because I couldn’t cope with all of her emoting.

This sounds just like my mum.

Right I’m gonna say the buzzword ’autism'?

If you tell her directly rather than suggesting how is she?

My mum is lovely, but she struggles with depression which was largely untreated during my childhood which made her snappy and unfair .. which contributed massively to my anxiety disorder as I never knew where I was with her.

It strained things between us and I still can't quite relax into a really good relationship with her like some of my friends have with their mums, but things are much better now. I just wish she could have been like she is now when I was younger.

my mum died wednesday, multiple organ failure, among other conditions, we called her 'boomerang' as she has had various episodes of bad health including bad covid but she always bounced back hadn't seen her since march 17th last year, i loved her but we weren't very close [on my side], it wasn't a major shock but i'm so resentful i didn't get to see her one last time, our last convo on tuesday she was so confused it just wasn't my mum.

Ok wasn’t the first to mention it but yeah I was getting that vibe.....a child of an autistic person wouldn’t notice because that’s what you grew up with. My stepsister is autistic so I didn’t notice when my ex was. What made it obvious was when someone pointed it out, I secretly applied the coping strategies used with my sis and my bf massively responded

Also there is truth to the idea that our mothers had to be mothers. It was expected. Weather they were motherly on not. We have the choice and choose to be mothers.

warmandtoasty2day

thank you park

My mum died suddenly two years ago (hence the username). Before that, she was a respite carer for my DD, who has SLD, and also used to take my nephew away on holidays in her campervan.

We’re a family who always camped and hiked together too. We’d phone each other most days and chat, or do the Guardian crossword. She was never overtly affectionate; I don’t think she knew how to express affection, other than in time, and companionship... but that was just fine. She was Mum, and I miss her.

Hi OP.
I am very close with my mum. We text everyday and see each other every other day minimum. I'm 30, mum is 60. We have always been close but as I've got older and her health has declined we are closer than ever. My partner, also female, thinks we are too close and could go weeks without seeing or speaking to her own mother.

My Mum - I don't understand her, if I'm honest. She was your normal mum until Dad left when I was 13 - she had a long stay (around a year) in a pysch unit straight after and was never the same. She met someone else when I was 15, and went away every weekend to stay in his house. I was left to look after the house, the dog and my 11 yr old sister. I never slept as I was so scared, and my sister was a little shit. When I had children, I had a fantasy of her suddenly becoming more interested but it never happened. She helped out, but only when asked and always the bare minimum. My sister is the golden child, and she and Mum are glued at the hip. I get the dregs and haven't spoken to Mum in 3 weeks.

In contrast, I talk to my adult DDs every day. Just checking they're ok and how their day was. I was there when my eldest grandchild was born, and speak every day on the phone/facetime to my grandchildren. I will be the parent to them that I always wished I had.

Thanks all and so sorry to read some of the really sad stories 💐

I really don’t think my mum is autistic? Just very reserved and shy, although not always. She was never the type to take us to mum groups or have mum friends or take the lead in initiating play dates for my friend to come over. I always had to keep asking if they could and felt embarrassed at times that I went to so many friends houses for tea, but they rarely came to mine.
I always remember her telling me quite a lot how she was induced as I was two weeks late and it was painful etc. I was induced and don’t see it as a massive deal and personally won’t be relaying to my Dd how hard her birth was 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’d say she’s similar with everyone, she always says my sister never tells them anything (anything personal) I just say to ask her then, it’s almost a reluctance to overstep the mark, which I get, but we’re her children, I’d like her to overstep the mark more, to show more and be involved. With DD’s party, I really felt like she couldn’t be bothered or was too tired to help, in the end I just asked quite abruptly if anyone would like to help me (I was doing a lot, plus cooking etc) and she helped but didn’t seem enthusiastic at all. We are all different but I just feel sad as we could do so many things together. Perhaps she doesn’t like me company, loves me but I annoy her 🙈
There’s been a few things, I had an emergency ectopic some years ago and had an emergency operation in the nick of time. I didn’t feel she was really there for me for that either. I was abroad but not far and thought she may have flown over, I didn’t see her for another 8 months.
When they’re here, dad makes more effort and drops huge hints about her doing a meal (although perhaps he should too, instead of putting it on her 🤣) he seems quite cross about it sometimes, but she just doesn’t help

I feel quite sad as if I don’t fully know her, if that makes sense?
Like, do we really know our parents, the people they are/were aside from being our parents?

My mum hasn't never shown me affection, although I think she loves me. She loves my 2 DCs, but she has never babysat them or done any care for them - not even for a couple of hours. When we had them (twins) I was told "Don't expect us to do anything for you, you wanted them so you look after them". Personally it doesn't bother me, I don't feel I need her approval or love, if she wants to be friendly then fine, if not then I'm ok with it. I do find that these days she needs me more than I need her to be honest.

She was an amazing mum, best friend and i couldn't imagine anything happening that we couldn't sort out. We never fell out, we spoke every day and laughed....lots.
We always told each other we loved each other and give each other hugs.

She was the amazing Nana that she always craved to be, for the six months she was alive after my DS was born.

You can't make people something they are not, it doesn't mean they don't love you.

My mum's a bit like that. If I text her a picture if the DC's she won't respond (not like I send pictures every week, once a month at most). She wouldn't want to spend Christmas with us, she sends gifts for the DC, but doesn't like to listen to their stories, she might do something like a puzzle with them but wouldn't just play a random game.

I do feel jealous of people with really involved mums. That said mine isn't mean. If I really needed help she'd give it.

My mum is kind unconditionally present, always there. I nearly karked it in December 2019 and her and my dad just stepped in without asking. My mum and dad are just dedicated to me and my family. I am dedicated them and will support my son unconditionally if and when he needs me.

I also find when we’re in a big family group (sister, niece, nephew, my dp, dad etc) she has ‘Jokingly’ put me down in the past, which is pretty embarrassing and hurtful, as she doesn’t in private. My sister generally then sticks up for me and we band together, which I appreciate, so I really think she must see it too.

Have you talked to your dad about this? Perhaps he might have an understanding of the reasons for it?
I think you also need to stop expecting her to offer. She isn't going to. If you need/want her to do something then ask her. You may not like it that she doesn't offer but you will save yourself a lot of hurt if you lower your expectations.
I don't know why she is like this, the answer might lie in her past. Maybe your dad can shed some light.
My mum rarely ventures an opinion on a lot of things. I talked to her about it and she said that her own mother was a controlling nightmare and she was determined not to interfere in the same way. Only it went a bit too far in the other direction.
Mothers are people and most are far from perfect. Plenty were let down by their own mother's.
I hope you can make some kind of peace with all this for your own sake.

Sorry you don’t have a great relationship with your mum OP.

I’ve never been very close to my Mum, I never found she was very maternal. As a child I remember my dad helping me with bathing/dressing/bedtimes/meals. The roles in our house were very different from the norm. I was really close to my dad he was very kind and generous, all his family are. My mum has always been very selfish. There have been a few occasions over my lifetime when I’ve been really disappointed in her reaction when I’ve helped people who have been vulnerable.

She bad things have happened to me, she has always made it about her. What people will think etc. Her own mother was very selfish and I don’t think she can see how similar they are.

I honestly couldn’t answer - I’ve not heard from either parent in over a year. There were issues anyway and the first lockdown made me take a long hard look at that and how they impacted my life. My mum was a bully, incapable of showing love to anyone over 2 years old, would never call me (but would call my sister and one brother but not the other), stood by an alcoholic father and a lot of emotional and physical abuse that went with that (I don’t know if she has any idea of the attempted sexual abuse or not) and I just decided to cut them off. It was easy, I just stopped calling them. I don’t miss them at all, I’m sad for not having good parents but i can’t change the past, I can however decide my own future. I’m very close to to my own daughters (one teen and one adult)

My mum was always caring but she was also quite manipulative.
As a teen if I dared disagree with her she would act as though I'd really let her down and sulk for days. I'd often back down to keep the peace. My siblings and dad did/does the same.

She does love me and my children but she's not the sort of mum to pop round for a brew and a chat. Most of my aunties are the same. We visit them, not the other way round!

I'm very close to my kids, one of whom is an adult who's left home and the other is 17. We do lots together and it's normal to be at each other's houses for tea/catch up. I help out with my grandchild and have her overnight twice a month. I want to be close to her as she grows up and for it to be normal for my grandchildren to come to granny and grandads.

My parents helped when my children were small if I was working or at uni but never in the evening so I could go out. As a single mum I would have loved just one night off every now and then.
It smarts a bit as when I was little I stayed at my maternal grandparents every Saturday night with my cousins so my parents had regular nights off.

That said, I can see that my mum had a lot on her shoulders and my dad was of the generation where he tipped his wages up to his mum, then later his wife. Mum is the person who bore most of the family stuff and therefore was the stricter parent.

I'm sure my children will have their thoughts about me. It's hard being a parent, the teen years nearly did for me!

I always looked with a mixture of amazement and envy at friends with mums who were so hands on, taking the baby off them so they could rest or taking them out in their buggy for a walk. Mine is just not like that, she did come down both times when mine were newborns but wasn’t much help. When they were toddlers she made v clear she wasn’t going to stand around a playground and watch them play, didn’t want to come swimming, to a library, to a cafe for lunch! Used to wind me up because that’s the kind of things we do with young children but she ruled it out so Even tho she’s travelled miles to see them she didn’t want to do stuff with them if that makes sense. I’ve never gone to her for emotional support because she just can’t give it and she can be sneery about those who need it. I remember her once picking up a book on potty training at my house and saying scathingly ‘in my day we just gone on with the it.’ I understand her better these days (she had it tough at some points in her life) and get in quite well but I’m sad sometimes we don’t have that close relationship where your mum knows you inside and out and thinks you are wonderful. Even on my wedding day she couldn’t bring herself to say ‘you look wonderful’ or lovely or anything like that.