Do you ever shouty argue with you partner

[AgntOso]

We argue but sometimes like this morning we have raised voices. Not throwing things, not violent, not vile or degrading, not full on top of our voices but loud with each other. Lockdown stress arguing over housework and childcare. I realised that the neighbours probably heard and felt embarrassed. Do other people argue? My gut says everyone must at some stage but behind closed doors, like us. Is this right or are we turning into the Clampets?
Yanbu- yes it's normal, couples raise their voices every now and then
Yabu- it's not healthy/ normal
I'm hoping for a hand hold tbh in that it's normal.

@SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge for us it was a brew - he would silently go and make us both a brew, bring it in and hand it to me. It would signal the end of a sulk. That would then be the cue to laugh.

No no no. We might occasionally raise our voices a bit ("oh for God's sake!") but never actual shouting.

I hate it. I grew up in a really shouty household, so much screaming and swearing, real top of the lungs stuff, all the time. I can't imagine what the neighbours thought. I hate it. I've left jobs because of shouty men, I wouldn't stay with a shouty man. I don't like shouty women either but I've not come across so many of them.

I especially hate it when people try to dress their shoutiness up as a sign of their passionate nature or whatever. No, it's just a frightening and aggressive, self indulgent lack of self control. There was a user once called stopfuckingshoutingatme and it resonated with me. I hate shouting. It's horrible.

This thread is an eye-opener! Yes, we have massive shouty rows where I say hilarious, OTT insults and swear brilliantly. It’s definitely part of my personality and we are also a very loud family 😆

Yes we do
We also get on very well and love each other

We are trying to shout less

Our house is a shouty house

(I think it's about button pushing!! I've shouty argued with my mum and siblings multiple times!! - not recently, but certainly when younger. But my DH.is such a lovely person! He never really pushes my buttons. He's my rock and my soul mate. So nothing to shout about!! I am sad and ashamed to say I've shouted at the children on a few occasions, but am learning to stay calm now and the result is that they are calmer too.)

I don't think I'd cope in a relationship where there was shouting between DH and I. He's truly my rock and I don't think either of us have ever shouted at each other!

We don't, but I think it's as much our personality types as anything. I in particular am not an argumentative person and can count on one hand the number of arguments I've had in my life full stop, with anyone. I wouldn't think any less of a couple who had the occasional shouting vent, if it upsets you then you can work on it not happening again.

We usually just get stroppy and I plot ways on how I can stab him in the eyeballs.

I'd ask all these "shouting is so healthy" people what their kids think but there's no point because they'll only say what my parents always said...essentially that it did us no harm, we didn't mind, it was so healthy, it was a sign of how much they loved each other, all the screaming and shouting shouting shouting.

Suffice to say, they were wrong about everything.

DH never shouts, ever. I do sometimes raise my voice but very rarely shout these days. More when we were younger.

I don't think we've shouted - well DH has never shouted at me but I've possibly got a bit loud with him on occasion - but things have got heated a few times. We don't have neighbours close by so I've never had to conscious of it but I don't think it's ever got to the level that a neighbour would hear/the DC would hear from their rooms.

We usually just get stroppy and I plot ways on how I can stab him in the eyeballs.

@Sbowiegirl

I’m from a very shouty family. So shouting was normal for me growing up. DH family don’t do shouting. They show anger/disapproval by silence.

We’ve had about 3 shouting arguments in nearly 20 years. 2 of which happened when we were sleep deprived with a new baby. The last one happened on Christmas Eve due to stressing about balancing childcare and work during lockdown. We always make up within a few minutes of the shouting

This resonates with me! I find the "silent disapproval" from DH's family when we have a disagreement absolutely chilling.

They, on the other hand, are absolutely baffled by my calling them out on it. In their minds, the only correct way to deal with anger and upset is to let it simmer resentfully and silently - sometimes for years - but never actually admit that something is wrong.

I think we have probably 2 or 3 times in 10 years, usually if we disagree it’s either a quick bicker or a discussion.

It’s not healthy to avoid sharing when you disagree; like pp said it can breed resentment etc.

The odd shout is understandable as we’re only humans.

When it becomes problematic I think is when nobody is listening to one another, or people feel threatened or afraid (including anyone else in the house) or it becomes the default.

I can only remember one occasion where dh & I have actually shouted at each other. If we do argue, it's only a bit of bickering and is usually over within a few minutes.

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

I'd ask all these "shouting is so healthy" people what their kids think but there's no point because they'll only say what my parents always said...essentially that it did us no harm, we didn't mind, it was so healthy, it was a sign of how much they loved each other, all the screaming and shouting shouting shouting.

Suffice to say, they were wrong about everything.

Surely you could flip that and ask the kids of those whose parents never argued but whose homes were often places of passive aggressive comments and behaviour how they felt?

Surely we call all agree that witnesing an occasional argument between parents is not the same as growing up in a house full of shouting.

Only if dh crosses me ! He doesn’t very often as I’m quite fiery but it’s like a red rag to a bull . I do let things go much more than when I was younger but if he keeps pushing it I will get raised voice with him.

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

I'd ask all these "shouting is so healthy" people what their kids think but there's no point because they'll only say what my parents always said...essentially that it did us no harm, we didn't mind, it was so healthy, it was a sign of how much they loved each other, all the screaming and shouting shouting shouting.

Suffice to say, they were wrong about everything.

But I did grow up in a shouty household and I was fine with it, and I was always absolutely that we all loved each other.

Silent simmering is not the only alternative to shouting. There are other ways to resolve differences. But I do often see a silent simmerer paired with a SHOUTER, most likely because being SHOUTED AT all the time causes some people to withdraw and be too frightened or distressed to talk openly about the problem. Then they become the bad guys because they're not being all honest and open by SHOUTING.

But I did grow up in a shouty household and I was fine with it, and I was always absolutely that we all loved each other.

Lucky you. Presumably you don't shout at friends and colleagues? That's reserved for the ones you love?

Hi, Mum.

In my family my parents didn’t argue but ignored each other. I felt so uncomfortable. I don’t know what’s worse to be honest. I also know couples who don’t argue and split up as one is always keeping the peace and resentful.I think a level headed discussion without raised voices is the best but it can be hard in the moment.Agree it’s not good to be shouting in front of kids

We’ve been together for 15 years and argue quite a bit. Shouty argue not so much because we don’t want to upset the kids but if the kids aren’t about we do! Then we usually sulk and grunt at each other for a few days until it blows over. I think people have forgotten that arguing is pretty normal in long term relationships. Nothing is ever perfect.

We’ve just had a row this week because he wants some hideous piece of art on the wall and I hate it and he’s upset I hate it and is now saying he’s going to sell it. It’s all so petty and ridiculous really but I think lockdown is sending us all mad.

Ouch, that's harsh @GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom! If you'd read my previous posts you'd see I'd worked really hard over the years to shout less at DH because it distressed him.

Your issues with your family are not everyone's issues. You're projecting.

Your issues with your family are not everyone's issues. You're projecting.

I have to agree. It's clear you had a difficult childhood but I honesty don't think your parents not shouting at each other would have made it any less unhappy.

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom I’m sorry you grew up in what sounded like a very tumultuous household, but please don’t liken those who are admitting the odd shouty row to what sounds like the abusive situation you were in.

Sometimes, yes. In the context of an otherwise non abusive relationship and where its resolved properly later on I don't think it's a problem. Arguments happen.