Do you ever shouty argue with you partner

[AgntOso]

We argue but sometimes like this morning we have raised voices. Not throwing things, not violent, not vile or degrading, not full on top of our voices but loud with each other. Lockdown stress arguing over housework and childcare. I realised that the neighbours probably heard and felt embarrassed. Do other people argue? My gut says everyone must at some stage but behind closed doors, like us. Is this right or are we turning into the Clampets?
Yanbu- yes it's normal, couples raise their voices every now and then
Yabu- it's not healthy/ normal
I'm hoping for a hand hold tbh in that it's normal.

I think it can come down to the individuals and how they process/vocalise emotion more than the relationship, if that's of any reassurance?

For instance, DP and I certainly exchange frustrated words but not really through raised voices/shouting at each other. Doesn't mean we're doing any better than any other couple - I've come to realise I'm just not really that loud with my emotions so it just never really gets to that stage between us.

Left to his own devices, though, DP gets more obviously and vocally excited by things - positive or negative. The same goes for his family - it's pretty normal for a small dispute to be dealt with in their family with a shouting match! But then afterwards they're completely fine.

As long as neither of you ever feels threatened then I wouldn't see it as an issue. Having said that, if I had DC I might be a bit wary about exposing them to that as it's hard to say how they will process it.

We don't shout but we're not shouty people. I like to fume silently if I'm pissed off and then have a pointed conversation. DH is similar. We generally communicate well and most of our disagreements are diffused pretty quickly

Show me a couple who say they don’t have rows and I’ll show you a couple of liars
Clearly I'm a liar!!
I can't remember the last time we rowed. There's seriously nothing to row about.
( hope I've not jinxed myself)

Very occasionally. We have a big shouty argument and don't talk till the next morning. I don't see this as that unhealthy.

38 years together, and though we've disagreed over things from time to time we have never had a row, raised voices or shouting. Dh grew up seeing constant vicious rows and I grew up in a peaceful harmonious family. He will avoid conflict and i wouldn't know how to deal with it, and we are both sensitive enough to each others feelings that it's just not the way we operate.

@AllMyPrettyOnes

God, we've had our fair share.

I think it's normal, personally. I find it more hard to believe a couple, who have been together for a long time, have never once even so much as raised their voice. But that's just me.

This is exactly what I was going to post. It's totally healthy to have disagreements and sometimes those disagreements will result in raised voices. I'd much rather we aired our views vocally on occasion than stored it up and let resentment build.

Personally, I don’t think shouting matches are healthy. But it may just be how other couples work?

We argue but we don’t shout at each other ever.

Yes, usually about silly things we aren’t angry about, like whether or not eggs go in the fridge, we’re both competitive. They don’t obviously, only a monster would put eggs in the fridge.

Actual arguments aren’t shouty for us, but we do both describe in great detail why the other person is a wanker 😂

We have a shouty shouty arguement probably once a year. We are both passionate people who struggle to communicate our wants and needs due to always putting everyone else first. This builds up slowly and then explodes. We spend maybe an hour a year shouting and sort all our shit out. It's not the healthiest way of dealing with things but it works for us and keeps our relationship happy 90% of the time.

Rarely. We have occasional spats but shouting at each other is rare.

Yes, but come from shouty families. It doesn't necessarily mean the 'fight' is in anyway serious. On the flip side, there is no passive aggressive shit because we just shout out our problems. I think it's healthier.

No. And never have.

From time to time we did. We could roar at each other but we quickly made up. Never went to bed on an argument because we couldn't stay angry with each other, we would initially try for silent treatment after a row, with much hair tossing and pointed ignoring, then dissolve into giggles and make up. For us it was more bickering though, never had any big stuff to argue about so the rows could be over stupid things like a towel left on the floor. I can't actually remember an argument that was about something fundamental to our marriage.

On the flip side, there is no passive aggressive shit because we just shout out our problems. I think it's healthier.

Oh gosh yes I'd far rather be with someone who occasionally raised his voice in an argument where I too raised mine than someone who never shouted but was passive aggressive.

We do, when we argue its a full on argument but we both shout at each other and then sit in different rooms so it's done with very quickly. But we both have the same personality so we both clash and wind each other up, we soon kiss and make up so all is well. I'm usually very relaxed, I'm not a shouty person, I have to be really mad about something to be shouty

I shout occasionally. DH just sits in silence. He lets me carry on til I'm all finished. Only lasts about 5 mins.
We've never had a massive screaming, shouting all night and day arguement.

TBH I could not imagine going through a marriage and not having a massive disagreement. I only lose it after I've tried talking but got no where. And it's usually when I'm hangry. We're not in the UK and I've just got annoyed. DH has been sitting on his phone most of the day. Then he wandered off to get dinner ingredients. Took ages. In this time DC and I have had to eat to keep ourselves from starving. It's his complete lack of awareness that drives me to distraction.

Not often, but occasionally.

In our early relationship it caused some problems actually. I come from a very shouty family. We are all hot tempered and would get annoyed and shout at each other - but it'd all be forgiven and forgotten moments later, once we'd "got it off our chest." DH hates raised voices, they make him really anxious, so when I shouted he took it very much to heart and would disengage and just avoid me for days, which I found very hurtful.

We ended up in relationship counselling (not just for that), and one of things I remember the counsellor saying was "what you have to understand is that this is a form of intimacy for Greebo. When you refuse to engage she feels it's a rejection of that." It was a lightbulb moment for me - like, yes, that's it! It feels like you just don't care enough to be bothered to argue with me.

Anyway, we worked on it, and I no longer go immediately to "shouty rants" when I'm cross. But I'm only human, and I will occasionally get cross enough to shout - and DH is now secure enough in our relationship to feel able to shout back.

TL;DR: it's fine occasionally, especially atm, we are only human. But no one should be angry and shouting all the time.

@Same4Walls

On the flip side, there is no passive aggressive shit because we just shout out our problems. I think it's healthier.

Oh gosh yes I'd far rather be with someone who occasionally raised his voice in an argument where I too raised mine than someone who never shouted but was passive aggressive.

Exactly.

You shout for 20 minutes then slink of to opposite sides of the house for 10 more to sulk and simmer, then whomever was really in the wrong gingerly shuffles in and asks "so...do you want a big mac?"

That's it. Argument over. You eat your burger and talk like reasonable people. I can't be doing this 'wife on strike but not telling anybody what's going on or why' bullshit.

Been together 15 years and married for 10. 2 Dc. We've never had a shout argument. I like it that way. DH likes it that way.

But - all relationships are different. If you shouty argue and you don't mind, then all.is well. Lots of couples do.

Ah don’t worry, OP, we do. A good holler every now and then and the air is cleared. My relationship is safe, respectful and solid.

I can’t believe how many people seem to have never had an argument where they’ve raised their voice and many never even had an argument! What are your outlets when your H/Ps are particularly annoying? 😆

(Must remember that MN is not real life, repeat over and over)

Christ I love a good shout! Better out than in. Everyone gets stuff off their chest. No passive aggressive and the house often end in laughter and spill over into the ludicrous.

Although making friends with a Big Mac sounds extremely civilised! I will be starting that tradition.

I’m from a very shouty family. So shouting was normal for me growing up. DH family don’t do shouting. They show anger/disapproval by silence.

We’ve had about 3 shouting arguments in nearly 20 years. 2 of which happened when we were sleep deprived with a new baby. The last one happened on Christmas Eve due to stressing about balancing childcare and work during lockdown. We always make up within a few minutes of the shouting

@notacooldad

Show me a couple who say they don’t have rows and I’ll show you a couple of liars Clearly I'm a liar!! I can't remember the last time we rowed. There's seriously nothing to row about. ( hope I've not jinxed myself)

Me too, coz I can't remember the last time we had a row either.

Also if you don’t have a good shouty blow out then you’re missing out on the make up shag after, which is a good one.

I’m imagining the non-arguing couples quietly getting on with their business as though nothing is wrong, but quietly seething and with a twitching eye.

I can’t believe how many people seem to have never had an argument where they’ve raised their voice and many never even had an argument! What are your outlets when your H/Ps are particularly annoying?

Most of our stupid arguments are in the car when he ignores directions or I dont tell him to turn early enough etc. A small part of me wonders if those posters who don't argue would probably just throw him out of the vehicle into oncoming traffic.