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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband is lazy and I am miserable

57 replies

Zeena06 · 29/01/2021 17:29

I am looking help/advice re my personal life.

My DH and I have been together for 16 years, lived together for 7, married for 2 and have a 7 month old baby.

I have a professional job which I worked from nothing to get. I have always been the organized driven type. My husband is the relaxed humorous type that works but will only do the minimum for his pay (nothing wrong with that). However I work double his hours. I have work based stuff to do at home. I do all the housework. Since the baby I bought all the stuff, he has not done a 'night shift' once (since the baby has been weaned). He doesn't do any sterilising, washing etc I do it all.

The next thing is he likes animals. Before the baby, I gave in and we ended up with a cat which was fine. Then he rescued one from work, so 2. However he insists they stay indoors mostly. I told him that he has to deal with the cat litter etc he agreed. And guess what? Yeah he doesn't do it regularly. The cats began soiling in non designated areas. I was cleaning this nearly twice daily. I have reminded him loads. But no real improvement. He rolls his eyes or says I have OCD... yeah not wanting cat urine all round my house labels me as OCD?

All this could be just about tolerable, but he never asks how my day was. He doesn't give a shit the amount of stuff I do.

I am 100% scared of any creepy crawlies. So again he agreed he would sort out gardening.... our back garden looks like the jungle with trash littered throughout, from an overflowing bin he didn't deal with. His excuse.... I make too much rubbish from cleaning.

I'm on the edge of losing it entirely. I know there are people in much worse situations but apart from for my DS I barely feel happy, smile or laugh. I am fed up of reading forums or articles saying ' oh it's your fault for not training them' or 'it's Their childhood' utter bullshit IMO. He is an adult. He acts like a child. I will not be told that I am at fault for how another adult behaves. What I am arguable responsible for is that I put up with it.

I just need someone in my corner. Someone who gives me two seconds of their time, because I don't get that. I feel utterly alone.

Thanks in advance. Sorry it was so long.

OP posts:

IDKNABYBIF22 · 29/01/2021 17:36

Couples counselling? Trial separation?

Not cleaning the house is one thing, but he needs to pull his weight with his own child for God's sake, I can see why you're at the end of your tether.

Marinaloves · 29/01/2021 17:38

I mean I know people say don’t mention the child. But 16 years. 7 living with him
What exactly did you expect? Unless he’s had a personality transplant
I can only advise to leave. It won’t get any better because it clearly hasn’t already, no matter how long you’ve had your head buried in the sand.
Sorry it’s shit, but that’s about the crux of it

IDKNABYBIF22 · 29/01/2021 17:38

Oh, and get a cleaner if you can afford it! He can at least pay for one if he's not doing anything.

Palavah · 29/01/2021 17:40

What do you get out of this relationship?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/01/2021 17:40

What’s he do instead of doing these things?

glasgowLil · 29/01/2021 17:44

Not surprised you are throughly fed up. Write a list of all the things you do and then all the things he does and sit him down and explain that if he does not start pulling his weight, you’ll be seriously considering the future of your relationship.
And the cats peeing indoors is grim, especially as your baby will start crawling/walking soon and they might get to it before you can clear it up. Sending hugs xxx

SuperHighway · 29/01/2021 17:46

You would be far happier without him. It sounds like he's taking you for a mug.

HollowTalk · 29/01/2021 17:46

Why do so many women put up with such terrible behaviour? It must be so depressing.

Think of a life without him, OP - what would it be like? How would it feel? Would you miss him? Would you yearn for him?

Meowchickameowmeow · 29/01/2021 17:48

Has he always been like this? I'm having a hard time imagining marrying and having a baby with someone I'd known for that many years if I knew exactly what kind of person they were.

WeLovePeaSoup · 29/01/2021 17:48

I’m so sorry you feel like that. I know exactly what you feel as I have a husband pretty similar to yours. I didn’t know he can vacuum clean until a year ago. I know other people like to blame you for things other people doing but I promise you that you can do anything you want if your DH is the type that if he doesn’t want to do something he won’t do it.
Not sure what’s the answer but perhaps you can move the cats to the garden for the daytime once the weather is better and they only come back at night time. Surely it would be much more fun for them.
Perhaps try to give your DH a list he needs to work to in a week. Perhaps start with basic stuff and not too many and if he does it praise him like a child. My mother always says (when I complain that I shouldn’t praise him if he does something like empty dishwasher ) that treat him as a child if he act like a child.
So no real help from me but feel for you.
Ps! I never let my DH clean the bottles as I asked him once and he wanted to clean it with the washing up sponge!
He also asked if he needs to rinse off our DD when he put the baby soap on her. But I can see that with time he is getting better.

tenlittlecygnets · 29/01/2021 17:53

Has he always been like this? If so, did you think he would change when he had a baby?

What do you get out of this? Your like would be nicer and calmer if it was just you and baby. He's a lazy, disrespectful arse.

cplusername1234 · 29/01/2021 17:55

Omg what a disrespectful arse of a DH you have. What are the nutso articles you are reading about training him? Stop reading those. This is his fault not yours.

Chances are he was like this pre-kids, but now that you have a child the workload has gone up but he is still his lazy self. Honestly, it sounds like he has so little respect for you that this would be hard to resolve. I'd be questioning the entire relationship.

Would he be willing to go to couples counselling? He's not listening to you now but maybe counselling would help him understand how bad things have gotten for you

cplusername1234 · 29/01/2021 17:58

@WeLovePeaSoup

I’m so sorry you feel like that. I know exactly what you feel as I have a husband pretty similar to yours. I didn’t know he can vacuum clean until a year ago. I know other people like to blame you for things other people doing but I promise you that you can do anything you want if your DH is the type that if he doesn’t want to do something he won’t do it. Not sure what’s the answer but perhaps you can move the cats to the garden for the daytime once the weather is better and they only come back at night time. Surely it would be much more fun for them. Perhaps try to give your DH a list he needs to work to in a week. Perhaps start with basic stuff and not too many and if he does it praise him like a child. My mother always says (when I complain that I shouldn’t praise him if he does something like empty dishwasher ) that treat him as a child if he act like a child. So no real help from me but feel for you. Ps! I never let my DH clean the bottles as I asked him once and he wanted to clean it with the washing up sponge! He also asked if he needs to rinse off our DD when he put the baby soap on her. But I can see that with time he is getting better.

Praise him like a child omg...does that work for you?

How are you attracted to a man who needs to be spoken to like a child

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/01/2021 17:59

What was he like before you lived together?
What was he like before marriage?
What was he like before the baby?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/01/2021 18:01

I assume he's always been like this. Did you think he would change?

CoraPirbright · 29/01/2021 18:02

Can you expand a little on the reason behind being together for 9 years before moving in together as that seems a bit unusual to me. Why did it take so long? Was he totally averse to committing and so now sees it as your area as he was never really totally on board?

But on the face of it, he is a free-loading, lazy twat.......

Oreservoir · 29/01/2021 18:04

Get a very hot male help.

Original poster

Zeena06 · 29/01/2021 18:12

❤ Thank all of you for your replies! It means a lot.

Yea we met at college. He was fun etc. We were young and only lived round the corner from each other so whilst we studied and had part time jobs we saved up to move in once I had qualified in my job finished with uni.

He was absolutely useless with household things. Never used a washing machine etc... his mum did all this for him whilst he lived at home. After practice he did things to an acceptable level. And just enough I didn't mind doing extra bits. But he has slowly went downhill. Especially after the wedding. Barely lifting a finger.

He just plays pc games, watches TV etc. Its just shit. Like I literally clean around him.

I'm just worried now with the child. Who is my everything, and I would literally tolerate this shit life if it meant a happier one for him.

Btw I don't have social media and this was my first ever post on here. You are all wonderful for taking the time for your replies. And for those of you going through similar things I'm sorry for you. Its lonely and miserable.

OP posts:

Plussizejumpsuit · 29/01/2021 18:12

@CoraPirbright

But on the face of it, he is a free-loading, lazy twat.......

yeah I was thinking this too

Marmozet3 · 29/01/2021 18:13

Get rid.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/01/2021 18:18

Have you asked him why he slacked so much since marriage? Did he anticipate that he was marrying a 1950s housewife?

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 29/01/2021 18:18

Christ, I'd be off. Why on earth would you live like this? You sound really smart and driven yet you have this deadweight shackled to you! There's no point tolerating it for your child either. They'd be better off not sharing a home with a man that thinks cat piss and shit can be left hanging around! Run for the hills. You're not stuck and financially dependent on him like many are.

LannieDuck · 29/01/2021 18:21

Why doesn't he do any housework? What's his reasoning?

Does he admit that he thinks his penis makes him far too important?

Will he also admit to being hugely selfish?

cplusername1234 · 29/01/2021 18:23

*He just plays pc games, watches TV etc. Its just shit. Like I literally clean around him.

I'm just worried now with the child. Who is my everything, and I would literally tolerate this shit life if it meant a happier one for him.*

A child does not require parents to be together to have a happy life. What a child needs is happy parents, and you don't sound very happy.

Also, all your child will learn is that cleaning and house management is just a little woman's job. I'd be so sad if my daughter chose a partner who disrespected her like this.

sundowners · 29/01/2021 18:26

OP you sound far too good for him. I’d sit him down for a serious crisis talk. Explain everything you’ve said here, from your side, how frustrated/ at the end of your tether you are and how it all basically adds up to him being a foul, lazy (both physically in sharing/ doing the most basic help and emotionally in support to you) he is. Unless he can see this, feels genuinely awful and promises to act and you see changes I’d definitely consider leaving.

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