Husband is lazy and I am miserable

[Zeena06]

I am looking help/advice re my personal life.

My DH and I have been together for 16 years, lived together for 7, married for 2 and have a 7 month old baby.

I have a professional job which I worked from nothing to get. I have always been the organized driven type. My husband is the relaxed humorous type that works but will only do the minimum for his pay (nothing wrong with that). However I work double his hours. I have work based stuff to do at home. I do all the housework. Since the baby I bought all the stuff, he has not done a 'night shift' once (since the baby has been weaned). He doesn't do any sterilising, washing etc I do it all.

The next thing is he likes animals. Before the baby, I gave in and we ended up with a cat which was fine. Then he rescued one from work, so 2. However he insists they stay indoors mostly. I told him that he has to deal with the cat litter etc he agreed. And guess what? Yeah he doesn't do it regularly. The cats began soiling in non designated areas. I was cleaning this nearly twice daily. I have reminded him loads. But no real improvement. He rolls his eyes or says I have OCD... yeah not wanting cat urine all round my house labels me as OCD?

All this could be just about tolerable, but he never asks how my day was. He doesn't give a shit the amount of stuff I do.

I am 100% scared of any creepy crawlies. So again he agreed he would sort out gardening.... our back garden looks like the jungle with trash littered throughout, from an overflowing bin he didn't deal with. His excuse.... I make too much rubbish from cleaning.

I'm on the edge of losing it entirely. I know there are people in much worse situations but apart from for my DS I barely feel happy, smile or laugh. I am fed up of reading forums or articles saying ' oh it's your fault for not training them' or 'it's Their childhood' utter bullshit IMO. He is an adult. He acts like a child. I will not be told that I am at fault for how another adult behaves. What I am arguable responsible for is that I put up with it.

I just need someone in my corner. Someone who gives me two seconds of their time, because I don't get that. I feel utterly alone.

Thanks in advance. Sorry it was so long.

Sit him down and tell him that he brings nothing to the table and you are fed up of it and this isn't how you plan to spend the rest of your life or the model you are prepared to give your child for how to behave in a relationship so he either shapes up or ships out.

It’s not your fault OP, I don’t know why people are insinuating that. It sounds like you got together when you were young, you grew up and he didn’t.
Sit him down for a chat when you’re both calm and explain that if things don’t get better you’re out. Tell him you aren’t going to nag or remind him, it’s time to improve or you’ll move on. Then be prepared to leave, it’ll be a weight off your shoulders if it comes to that. It’s far harder to watch someone not doing their share than just doing it for yourself.

You need to start making a plan, right away. This resentment you already have is going to eat you alive like a cancer. You will become a shell of yourself, and that will be far more damaging to your child than a split would be. Living like this is untenable.

Did your parents raise you to be some mans maid? I thing fucking not.

I think a person who does the minimum for his pay as always likely to be lazy in other areas of his life. Im surprised to think this was ok. Personally I wouldn’t want to be with someone with such a poor work ethic. I think if you’ve let him get away with this since you married him, he’s unlikely to change.

He's not going to change OP. If there was any hope of that, it would be when the baby arrived and he wanted to be a good dad. As every man knows that isn't a total moron, part of that is sharing the load with the mother of his baby.

Instead he sits on his arse and lets you do everything. Time to separate OP.

If you currently do any laundry, meal preparation or shopping for him stop right now. Look after yourself & your child & do nothing for him - sounds like he is doing nothing for you. Cat poo is potentially very dangerous to kids - put them out into the garden. Don't ask or debate, just do it. And I'd start separating finances- sounds like you earn more than him, so don't prop up his lazy lifestyle. Have a serious conversation and say you can't see this marriage lasting given his current behaviour. Your life may well be happier & easier without him & his cats!

@Zeena06

❤ Thank all of you for your replies! It means a lot.

Yea we met at college. He was fun etc. We were young and only lived round the corner from each other so whilst we studied and had part time jobs we saved up to move in once I had qualified in my job finished with uni.

He was absolutely useless with household things. Never used a washing machine etc... his mum did all this for him whilst he lived at home. After practice he did things to an acceptable level. And just enough I didn't mind doing extra bits. But he has slowly went downhill. Especially after the wedding. Barely lifting a finger.

He just plays pc games, watches TV etc. Its just shit. Like I literally clean around him.

I'm just worried now with the child. Who is my everything, and I would literally tolerate this shit life if it meant a happier one for him.

Btw I don't have social media and this was my first ever post on here. You are all wonderful for taking the time for your replies. And for those of you going through similar things I'm sorry for you. Its lonely and miserable.

You married a child. What did you expect?

Youre the one earning. You're the one doing all the housework. You’re the one doing all the child rearing. He is literally making you life more difficult and certainly miserable.

Bin him. He has had long enough.

@VettiyaIruken and @BountyFul have given very good advice.

You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain by doing what they suggest.
He used to do things but has gotten complacent and lazy. He can step up and pull his weight. You have to have the conversation though.
I hope it all works out well for you OP, you deserve so much better.

Tell him to clean up after the cats or they’ll be re-homed. He needs to sort out the garden and the overflowing bin, that’s disgusting. What the fuck is wrong with him??

He's a lazy git and if he was mine, (and with the benefit of hindsight) then I'd start getting tough. Don't let him drag you down with him for the sake of keeping up appearances as mummy daddy and baby to the outside.

Bin him, keep the cats....

I know someone with a similar DP (actually, probably worse). They're trying for kids and I just think that's what would bring it to a head. You are absolutely ducking knackered for the first 6 months, let alone having a demanding job too. Add to that a partner who didn't even vaguely pull their weight and I would absolutely blow my top.

I think this is a "we need to talk" situation. My next step would be a Dear John letter I reckon.

I would tell him in no uncertain words that's you can't have cat piss and shit around an infant. He said he would take care of them, but he isn't. He's got one last chance - 3 choices. Start taking care of the animals he insisted on getting himself, rehome them, or pack them up with him and fuck off.

What I am arguable responsible for is that I put up with it.

This is exactly it. Just because you've put up with it so far doesn't mean you have to continue to do so though. I think it creeps up on you - I doubt he was like this from the start, it gradually got worse and worse. I would go seismic on him though. He needs to step up or fuck off. If he chose the latter, you'd have less mess, and no worrying about the cats, by the sounds of things. He just doesn't sound like he's contributing.

SEVENTEEN YEARS and your are shocked
Get out of town

I think you need to leave OP.

You do the majority of the paid work
All the child related work
All the housework
I bet you do all the mental load as well

He literally adds nothing to your life, in fact he detracts from it as he is adding to the work (for example bringing home cats, refusing to look after them, and then insulting you (and anyone that genuinely suffers from OCD) for being pissed off with them soiling everywhere).

People will say to him to sit him down, tell him how you feel, split up lists of tasks etc....but honestly, what's the point? Do you really think someone who is happy for their child to be surrounded by cat mess, will change? Just leave. I think you'll feel an instant sense of relief

Ans if you don't leave, your child is likely to model this relationship in their future relationships

Re. cats - why does he want them indoors? They need and like to go out into the garden. Tell DH to get a cat flap fitted so they can go out to do their business. I couldn't tolerate that smell! As others have said - you need to have a good sit down talk to DH and discuss alternatives if he doesn't change his ways.

I doubt he'll change. I'm sure you already know he's comfortable and obviously benefiting massively from your relationship as it is. There's not really any incentive for him to change anything. Some people just take the piss consistently.
Ignoring his laziness etc, he doesn't even ask how you are etc.. You deserve so much more. He doesn't sound too nice. What do you get out of your relationship?
Believe me, your child will be just fine growing up without seeing this role model of human behaviour.

Is he at least utterly amazing in bed? Because otherwise I really don’t see any good point to being with him.
Imagine how happy you would be, if you only had yourself and the child to manage.

I'd get rid of the cats and him, I'm neither a cat or lazy bastard person!

OP, I understand. I too lived with a man-child for 5 years. Lazy, dirty, idle, repulsive. I was the one with the problem apparently, I was a nag and had OCD. No, I just want a clean house. He didn't even work. 2 children later I eventually found my self respect and left him. 4 years i have been raising my children as a single parent and 8 absolutely love it. I don't have his crap everywhere, it's clean and tidy-ish! He now lives in a tiny flat in squalor. Being single is brilliant!

You don't sound compatible.

Get rid of him and his cats.

What does he contribute now? A bit of money?

He can move out, give you some maintenance and take the baby every other weekend.

I would bin him. Life is too short to live like this.