Husband is lazy and I am miserable

[Zeena06]

I am looking help/advice re my personal life.

My DH and I have been together for 16 years, lived together for 7, married for 2 and have a 7 month old baby.

I have a professional job which I worked from nothing to get. I have always been the organized driven type. My husband is the relaxed humorous type that works but will only do the minimum for his pay (nothing wrong with that). However I work double his hours. I have work based stuff to do at home. I do all the housework. Since the baby I bought all the stuff, he has not done a 'night shift' once (since the baby has been weaned). He doesn't do any sterilising, washing etc I do it all.

The next thing is he likes animals. Before the baby, I gave in and we ended up with a cat which was fine. Then he rescued one from work, so 2. However he insists they stay indoors mostly. I told him that he has to deal with the cat litter etc he agreed. And guess what? Yeah he doesn't do it regularly. The cats began soiling in non designated areas. I was cleaning this nearly twice daily. I have reminded him loads. But no real improvement. He rolls his eyes or says I have OCD... yeah not wanting cat urine all round my house labels me as OCD?

All this could be just about tolerable, but he never asks how my day was. He doesn't give a shit the amount of stuff I do.

I am 100% scared of any creepy crawlies. So again he agreed he would sort out gardening.... our back garden looks like the jungle with trash littered throughout, from an overflowing bin he didn't deal with. His excuse.... I make too much rubbish from cleaning.

I'm on the edge of losing it entirely. I know there are people in much worse situations but apart from for my DS I barely feel happy, smile or laugh. I am fed up of reading forums or articles saying ' oh it's your fault for not training them' or 'it's Their childhood' utter bullshit IMO. He is an adult. He acts like a child. I will not be told that I am at fault for how another adult behaves. What I am arguable responsible for is that I put up with it.

I just need someone in my corner. Someone who gives me two seconds of their time, because I don't get that. I feel utterly alone.

Thanks in advance. Sorry it was so long.

Send him back to your PIL (with both cats) and a note on them "faulty goods returned, requires upgrades"

What a horrible man.

@Zeena06

❤ Thank all of you for your replies! It means a lot.

Yea we met at college. He was fun etc. We were young and only lived round the corner from each other so whilst we studied and had part time jobs we saved up to move in once I had qualified in my job finished with uni.

He was absolutely useless with household things. Never used a washing machine etc... his mum did all this for him whilst he lived at home. After practice he did things to an acceptable level. And just enough I didn't mind doing extra bits. But he has slowly went downhill. Especially after the wedding. Barely lifting a finger.

He just plays pc games, watches TV etc. Its just shit. Like I literally clean around him.

I'm just worried now with the child. Who is my everything, and I would literally tolerate this shit life if it meant a happier one for him.

Btw I don't have social media and this was my first ever post on here. You are all wonderful for taking the time for your replies. And for those of you going through similar things I'm sorry for you. Its lonely and miserable.

Can you actually think of one single reason for staying with him which makes putting up with all that shit, worthwhile?

Sorry if this has been said but anyone can work a washing machine and maintain a basic level of cleaning. Him feigning complete ignorance of this was a test to see if you would do it for him, each time he’s got worse that’s another boundary, another chore he has pushed on you until finally it has ended up you do everything. I was similar for the first ten years of my relationship. Then we had a baby and I suddenly had my eyes open - he was not a helpless infant that needed me to do everything, he was a grown ass man who had never bothered to work out how to use the washing machine because he knew I’d pick up the slack. At this point I downed tools. Nope, no more.

Our dd will be 4 this year and I have never been happier (we now have a second child too) in how equal our relationship is since I put my foot down and said no more. We both do the cooking/cleaning and take a kid each for bath and bedtime and take it in turns if they wake at night. I get the sense you have similarly had your eyes opened more since having your baby?

I’m telling you this as an alternative to LTB. Maybe scare the shit out of him a bit. Stop doing his washing. Don’t cook him anything. Let him really notice what you do for him. I hope for your sake he realises. I know people say they never change but my DH actually did when I basically told him I would be gone if he didn’t start taking responsibility for our household.

You can’t go on running yourself ragged, it’s just not fair and you are setting a template of “woman frazzled doing everything, man incapable/too important to do household chores” for your child.

It could be salvaged but hey really needs to understand that you mean business. Right now, he is working on the principle that you will complain but aren't serious about leaving him.

How you get that message into his head is an open question, different folks react differently to certain tactics.

One major rule is never use or allow him to use the phrase "helping out". That assumes the jobs really are yours. It's pulling your weight, which all adults should do as a default.

Shame you picked a deadbeat. Don’t do anything for him, obviously, if and when you divorce him your life can begin, and he’ll scuttle back to his mother. Cook/launder/clean for yourself and the kid only. No argument to be had since that implies there is some doubt over who is right, which doesn’t apply here.
In future, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

The deal was he would clean out the cat litter, he's not doing it, the cats have to go.

Maybe that will shock him into pulling his finger out, the lazy dickhead.

@Oreservoir

Get a very hot male help.

This is genius! Seriously!

I'm not one for ultimatums normally but I seriously think you need to lay it on the line for your DH op. I would be telling him that you will be leaving him in six weeks time if he doesn't seriously buck up and change his ways. Things are different now you have a child.

Tell him that love is not just a feeling, it is about actions. And if his actions don't change, that will tell you all you need to know. Then leave it up to him to give you the answer.

And if his answer is "no change" then he can take his cats with him when he goes.