17 year old minding baby sister

[2ndtimemum2]

Hi all
Not sure where to start with this but I've a 17 year old son and a 5 month daughter. I'm not with the father since 8 weeks pregnant he was extremely abusive and was absent throughout the pregnancy. He cheated (reason we broke up) and sent nasty messages throughout the pregnancy telling me neither him nor his family will be involved with baby,name calling, threats etc.

Since baby is born hes had a change of heart and now is trying to be involved although I am still cautious of him because I see all the old controlling behaviours. I have allowed him and his family to be involved as much as they want but his family only want her if I make the effort to bring her to them..they live over an hour away father lives 55 mins away.

So I'm a shift worker and work nights and days and when I go back my daughter will be 13 months. I cannot change roles for 9 months after I go back meaning I'm on shift for 9 months. I also can't afford to give up shift as I used up all my savings on a new house and baby items. Babys dad pays very little maintenance and paid nothing up to last month.

So here's my issue I'm getting harsh criticism from her dad for saying that my son will be minding our daughter 4 nights a month. Bear in mind I will have her in bed before I go to work and I'm only 15 minutes away plus we have loads of lovely neighbours. Financially it takes alot of pressure off me if my son does it plus he's brilliant with her.

I can't ask him or his family as they are unreliable plus my daughter doesn't really know his family( there's also marjuana use in the parents home) and he has medical issues which means I wouldn't be comfortable leaving her with him and she won't settle with him.

Am I being unreasonable getting my son to mind her?

No you are not and it is none of the ex's business what childcare arrangements are in place when it is not his contact time.

Also do not facilitate contact with his family. He should do that when he has contact and it is not for you to have to take her over to them.

That sounds absolutely fine to me. I remember my sixteen year old son babysitting regularly for our baby daughter. You know what is best for your family.

Absolutely nothing wrong with that plan.

i’d do the same. as long as your son is comfortable with it and knows what he is doing. some people have their own babies at 17! it’s not like he’s a young teenager. i definitely wouldn’t facilitate contact with your ex and his family if there’s drug use in the house.

That is absolutely fine. Ignore your ex, he is just wanting you to hand over your baby.

If you and your son are happy with the arrangement and your son is capable (which I'm guessing he is) then go ahead.

Your not being unreasonable at all. I had a summer job as a nannie when I was 17 and also babysat where I had to stay over when the parents came in late.

Sounds fine to me so long as you son feels confident to care for a young child over night.

It sounds fine to me.

Why is he paying no maintenance?

I would let him do the running for contact.

I wouldn't be ok with this. A13 month olds sleep is unreliable. What if he's up all night with the baby feeding her and trying to get her back to sleep? Does he have to study or work the next day? I think it's a big ask of a 17 year old boy.

Just my opinion.

How does your son feel about it?

Sorry should add my son is very confident and more than happy to do it. We have a fantastic relationship so if he had any issue or worries he would definitely tell me.2 of the nights fall on a week night and 2 on the weekend so he is in school but again i am only 15 mins away so if she was waking up alot I could come home

Yikes, that's a lot to put on a 17 year old - is he ok with that? Most 13 month olds don't sleep through, will he be ok with waking up with her, teething issues, can he check her temperature and know what to do/when he needs to call help? He'd have to be an extremely mature 17 year old (yes, I know 17 year olds have babies, but they learn on the job, and I doubt many 17 year old fathers have sole charge of their babies overnight).

And how on earth do you expect to look after your baby daughter during the day after a night shift - will she be at nursery so you can sleep?

I think it's fine too. He's technically old enough to be her dad. Sounds like you have a good backup plan as you're only 15 mins away.

@2ndtimemum2

Sorry should add my son is very confident and more than happy to do it. We have a fantastic relationship so if he had any issue or worries he would definitely tell me.2 of the nights fall on a week night and 2 on the weekend so he is in school but again i am only 15 mins away so if she was waking up alot I could come home

The only issue I’d have with that is that your DS is basically being asked to give up his weekend nights for 9 months.

Now that’s fine if we’re still in lockdown and there’s nowhere to go, but if the world is going back to normal and he wants to go out with his pals then it’s an issue.

Sounds fine. I did this when my sister was little. She was a bit older than 5m but if you think he is competent and he's okay with it then it's fine

I'd say it's a good thing tbh. Unlikely he'll end up as one of those dads that "doesn't know how" to look after his own child by himself. He's old enough to have a child of his own and has presumably seen you with the baby and learnt how to look after the baby while you were present.

Sorry but I think you’re being selfish. You’ve chosen to have another child, that’s not your teenage son’s responsibility.

Things have changed so much. I used to get paid for babysitting when I was 10...(70s)

Not a problem at all. My youngest sister was 16 when DD (now 3) was born and babysat from 6 months. As long as your son’s willing & responsible, which from your update I assume he is, go for it.

I think it's fine. Surely that's what families do, help eachother out. He's old enough, he's happy to, there is no issue.

I think it is a big ask. I assume he is still at school/college. HE should not be having broken nights whilst studying.

For those saying it's a lot/he has to give up his weekends etc. it's only 4 nights a month!

Alos will you be home in time to do the baby's morning routine or will he have to deal with getting them up/breakfast etc before going to school?

Sorry should clarify in a 4 week cycle he will be minding her one Friday night and one Saturday night one Tuesday night and one Thursday night so a different night every week.so he never has to give up a full weekend in a month.

He is extremely capable and my sister actually lives half a kilometre away (she has her own kids) and my mam is a kilometre away so there's always so he has plenty of people to call in the case of an emergency plus its a very tight nit community and I get on great with my neighbours so I could have one of them on standby.

Thanks for all the input

I think 4 nights a month is OK. Not great bit if he's happy to do it then it's not the end of the world. However, what if he moves out in those 9 months? Does he plan to go to uni?