17 year old minding baby sister

[2ndtimemum2]

Hi all
Not sure where to start with this but I've a 17 year old son and a 5 month daughter. I'm not with the father since 8 weeks pregnant he was extremely abusive and was absent throughout the pregnancy. He cheated (reason we broke up) and sent nasty messages throughout the pregnancy telling me neither him nor his family will be involved with baby,name calling, threats etc.

Since baby is born hes had a change of heart and now is trying to be involved although I am still cautious of him because I see all the old controlling behaviours. I have allowed him and his family to be involved as much as they want but his family only want her if I make the effort to bring her to them..they live over an hour away father lives 55 mins away.

So I'm a shift worker and work nights and days and when I go back my daughter will be 13 months. I cannot change roles for 9 months after I go back meaning I'm on shift for 9 months. I also can't afford to give up shift as I used up all my savings on a new house and baby items. Babys dad pays very little maintenance and paid nothing up to last month.

So here's my issue I'm getting harsh criticism from her dad for saying that my son will be minding our daughter 4 nights a month. Bear in mind I will have her in bed before I go to work and I'm only 15 minutes away plus we have loads of lovely neighbours. Financially it takes alot of pressure off me if my son does it plus he's brilliant with her.

I can't ask him or his family as they are unreliable plus my daughter doesn't really know his family( there's also marjuana use in the parents home) and he has medical issues which means I wouldn't be comfortable leaving her with him and she won't settle with him.

Am I being unreasonable getting my son to mind her?

I think if he's willing and able, 4 nights a month is fine, especially as it's temporary. He sounds a lovely young man and it's great that he's happy to help with his sister. You're only 15 mins away anyway and he has plenty of family support very close by if need be.

Just make sure you have a short notice backup plan on hand (mum, sister?) in case a sold out ticket for his favourite band comes up or he's left coursework till the last minute and is panicking, simply because although he sounds really capable, he is 17 at the end of the day and DD is your baby, not his own.

Ex and family sound crap. I would formalise maintenance and access and stop engaging with him. You've tried.

It is up to you not anyone else what you choose to do.

I wouldn't want to be placing the burden of overnights with a baby on a 17 year old. Fine if the baby is sleeping all night and it stays that way, but we had a pretty dire sleep regression at 14 months and it led to a lot of broken nights' sleep. If he is studying or has a job to go to, that's going to be hard to do.

I think it's absolutely fine and your DS sounds great!

At 17 I was a selfish pig and would have kicked up a hell of a fuss about being asked to pick my dirty towels off the floor, never mind babysit a sibling

Nothing wrong with your son minding her but if he approaches the court it may affect custody if he could provide a suitable home for the nights you are working, I would consider ensuring whatever behaviour you believe makes him unsuitable and blocking his parental responsibility if appropriate do this doesn't occur.

Absolutely fine. The babysitter I use for DD & DS is 17 and very capable.

As long as you're son is happy with it why not? And from what you say it's one night a week, not four nights a week? I regularly babysat for other people's children at that age, particularly one family who went out at least once a fortnight and their baby was about 6 months. I know that was paid but still, if he's happy doing it then fine. Also, these days a sense of familial responsibility has largely disappeared but actually expecting a 17 year old to make some small sacrifices to ensure his resident parent can keep their job so they can stay in their home, eat food off the table etc. isn't unreasonable in my opinion -sometimes I think we are too child centric these days (and 17 is practically an adult).

Could you afford to pay him a little so it would be an alternative to getting a Saturday job ? That would make him stay keen!

Sounds fine to me. I was babysitting a 6month old at 16 . Then thru word of mouth I also got regularly booked for a 9month old & a 1year old.

As long as your son is genuinely ok doing it, then it’s fine. Babies are so different and whilst I child have confidently left someone with a couple of my children at that age and known it was very unlikely they would wake. My youngest one would have been guaranteed to wake multiple times every night and often for long periods.

I had my own baby at 17. And babysat 2 toddlers every Saturday night at 14 when their mum went clubbing. Don't let him dictate what your son can do. Controlling much.

It's fine, normal and good for your DS and DD. At 17 I had sole responsibility for my six week old niece during the day while my DSis worked on a contract in a nearby city. It made me appreciate how much work there is looking after a new born. Your DS knows his sister well and she will be older and probably asleep.

Your ex gets no say if he takes no responsibility and pays no maintenance.

It's lovely that he's happy to do it. Once it doesn't impact on school and he remains ok with it then I don't see why not? Obviously it's not "ideal" but you're doing what you have to do.

Of course not. Totally normal, good experience for your son, nice for their bond.

Your ex is CF

Your son could do an online paediatric first aid course for around £30 which is always useful and shows your ex you have thought this through well. As someone else said it shows him up that a teenager is more capable than the disk head ex.

@FrogFairy

Your son could do an online paediatric first aid course for around £30 which is always useful and shows your ex you have thought this through well. As someone else said it shows him up that a teenager is more capable than the disk head ex.

This.