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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

17 year old minding baby sister

65 replies

2ndtimemum2 · 28/01/2021 12:39

Hi all
Not sure where to start with this but I've a 17 year old son and a 5 month daughter. I'm not with the father since 8 weeks pregnant he was extremely abusive and was absent throughout the pregnancy. He cheated (reason we broke up) and sent nasty messages throughout the pregnancy telling me neither him nor his family will be involved with baby,name calling, threats etc.

Since baby is born hes had a change of heart and now is trying to be involved although I am still cautious of him because I see all the old controlling behaviours. I have allowed him and his family to be involved as much as they want but his family only want her if I make the effort to bring her to them..they live over an hour away father lives 55 mins away.

So I'm a shift worker and work nights and days and when I go back my daughter will be 13 months. I cannot change roles for 9 months after I go back meaning I'm on shift for 9 months. I also can't afford to give up shift as I used up all my savings on a new house and baby items. Babys dad pays very little maintenance and paid nothing up to last month.

So here's my issue I'm getting harsh criticism from her dad for saying that my son will be minding our daughter 4 nights a month. Bear in mind I will have her in bed before I go to work and I'm only 15 minutes away plus we have loads of lovely neighbours. Financially it takes alot of pressure off me if my son does it plus he's brilliant with her.

I can't ask him or his family as they are unreliable plus my daughter doesn't really know his family( there's also marjuana use in the parents home) and he has medical issues which means I wouldn't be comfortable leaving her with him and she won't settle with him.

Am I being unreasonable getting my son to mind her?

OP posts:
Original poster
2ndtimemum2 · 28/01/2021 13:45

@Seeline

Alos will you be home in time to do the baby's morning routine or will he have to deal with getting them up/breakfast etc before going to school?
Yes I'll be home to get her up make her breakfast and drop her to creche.
OP posts:
LookingUpIn21 · 28/01/2021 13:46

Perfectly reasonable! And it's only a temporary situation for all involved. I imagine they will form a very lovely sibling bond.

Triffid1 · 28/01/2021 13:48

Of course it's fine. Your ex has no say over what you choose to do in terms of childcare although I guess arguably if it was dangerous perhaps ... but a 17 year old is perfectly capable of looking after a baby, especially one he has had regular contact with and who he has often cared for since she was born. Please don't listen to people telling you that 17 is too young etc etc. He's old enough to have a child of his own ad if he's a responsible lad, as you've said he is, and willing to help you as part of a family, I think you should be proud to have such a mature and loving son.

Also, stop facilitating contact with Ex's family. I mean if you want them in your life, fine, but driving for an hour blah blah is ridiculous.

InTheDrunkTank · 28/01/2021 13:49

I wouldn't trust all 17 year olds to look after a baby. I would trust one who I knew to be mature, who knew the child well and was happy to do it.

Atrixie · 28/01/2021 13:49

absolutely fine not an issue

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 28/01/2021 13:49

4 nights a month, if he is still, when the time comes, willing and reliable.

He is at an age when he will likely be more than capable. My only worry would be that it will come at a time when he will have his freedom back, hopefully after all this restriction and not necessarily want to do it. I don't think there is anything wrong with teenagers being expected to take some responsibility within the household. But you might need back up plans in place.

MadinMarch · 28/01/2021 13:58

plus its a very tight nit community and I get on great with my neighbours so I could have one of them on standby.

Did anyone else have a mental picture here of very drunk headlice being dealt with by the neighbours? Grin

(sorry..)

Thatwentbadly · 28/01/2021 14:01

I think your asking too much of your 17 year old to look after a baby 4 nights a week. At that age my girls woke up several times a night every night. What is your plan for during the day? When are you going to sleep?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 28/01/2021 14:02

I think it's fine but you have to be very clear in your own head that this is all you'll ask of your son.

My DM wasn't quite so clear. I left home aged 17 and being treated as a cross between an unpaid nanny and substitute parent was one of the main reasons.

And if he stops wanting to do it, then you need to accept that.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/01/2021 14:03

@Thatwentbadly

I think your asking too much of your 17 year old to look after a baby 4 nights a week. At that age my girls woke up several times a night every night. What is your plan for during the day? When are you going to sleep?
Its 4 nights a month.
cardswapping · 28/01/2021 14:06

Fine provided your son is okay with it. At that age, I was being paid to do about the same number (a couple of non school nights).

Indecisive12 · 28/01/2021 14:10

It sounds absolutely fine to me, obviously you know your son. The only time it would worry me is if he was drinking in the house (that’d be a no when looking after baby from me) and also I’d worry if the baby woke and he couldn’t settle then but it sounds like you have a plan for that.

Wnikat · 28/01/2021 14:12

Don’t let your ex get into your head. Your plan is fine. Grey rock him.

lanthanum · 28/01/2021 14:13

Sounds fine. Four nights a month is fine if he's happy. Do you have a plan B for when son's best mate's party clashes with your working night? It sounds as if you have other family around so hopefully they can help on the odd occasion.

C152 · 28/01/2021 14:15

No, that sounds like a good solution. It's not really the dad's business how you arrange childcare, as long as your children are safe - which, from the sounds of it, they are. I would ignore him- and I wouldn't be driving the little one an hour and back to see the grandparents. I'd invite them to your house (or perhaps somewhere in the middle or neutral ground, once COVID rules no longer apply) occassionally, if you wish, and that's it.

warmandtoasty2day · 28/01/2021 14:17

four nights a month ffs, if you're happy with it and he's happy with it then op do what YOU and YOUR SON want to do, some people need to let go of the irritating won't someone think of the children shite.

Bleughbleughbleugh12 · 28/01/2021 14:19

I personally think this is fine. I had my own child at that age! The main thing is, does he mind? If not, then I can’t see any issue!

MadeForThis · 28/01/2021 14:19

It's 4 nights a month!! If he's happy then it's fine.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/01/2021 14:20

4 nights a month is one a week rota depending

It’s fine

As long as he doesn’t mind

Then again sure he apprwacites you being able to work and put a roof over his head

Don’t take dd to ex family. If they want to see her they can make the effort

Bleughbleughbleugh12 · 28/01/2021 14:21

Plus I bet after all that practice he’ll make a great hands on dad in the future! Even better

Plussizejumpsuit · 28/01/2021 14:23

He'll be 18 by then and I assume will be very familiar with her needs as yiu live together. As long as your son is OK with it it's fine. I assume you wouldn't leave her with him if you felt he wasn't mature enough.

mumwon · 28/01/2021 14:31

in the old days older siblings use to look after younger to help their dm
I certainly asked dd1 to help occasionally & that's what families do - help each other -this is a single dm who is working to keep the roof over her dc head. The point is that you don't take each other for granted, you talk to each other & you do things to give help to the older dc when they need it
I bet op does this anyway. I think some dp nowadays don't ask their dc anything & do everything for them

BungleandGeorge · 28/01/2021 14:32

If you think he’s competent it’s fine. It’s not selfish when you’re out at work to pay for the family home, food and probably teens clothes etc! It’s fine for all the family to contribute to running the household, it’s not as if you’re out socialising

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/01/2021 14:38

So here's my issue I'm getting harsh criticism from her dad for saying that my son will be minding our daughter 4 nights a month

My response to the Ex on this would be something along the lines of "what? Aren't you ashamed that her 17yo brother is doing a better job at raising your daughter than you?"

bloodywhitecat · 28/01/2021 14:43

If he is happy and you are happy there is no problem, you seem to have back up plans in place and lots of 13 month olds sleep through the night. It will be a good life skill for him!