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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be surprised at how everyone knows everyone in small towns?

105 replies

thissemicharmedlife · 28/01/2021 12:11

Well obviously I am BU because it’s such a given, but has anybody found this aspect a bit of a culture shock when moving from a bigger city to a smaller town?

I grew up in a biggish city then moved to a lovely market town about 12 miles away (population about 30,000) at 20. However me and DP continued working in our home city for the first few years so never really got to know anyone locally. Anyway since having a child (so experiencing baby groups, nursery and school start) as well as getting a part-time job locally it’s really hit me how everybody knows everybody. There is no separation at all, if you mention where you work to your neighbours then they inevitably know or are related to half of your colleagues. If one of the school mums adds you on Facebook then they are mutual friends with everyone else you know in the town. You can’t go round Sainsbury’s without seeing a dozen people you know. I kind of miss before when I was anonymous.

I do wonder what it will be like longterm for my children to grow up and go to school here. If you’ve grown up in a small town did it feel a bit claustrophobic to know everybody? I used to bus to secondary school in a different area of my city and my parents didn’t know anyone else’s parents at my school. I would bet there’s at most one degree of separation between everyone round here.

OP posts:

LizFlowers · 28/01/2021 18:47

I was brought up in SE London and can assure you that in the area where I lived, people knew an awful lot about each other. My mother and her family had spent most of their lives since childhood in one street, they knew everybody's business. It was a hot bed of gossip - if I went anywhere someone would say to my mum while out shopping, "I saw your Liz .....". There was absolutely no privacy and I hated it. I have two cousins who still live there and though obviously a lot of people have moved away, it is still much the same.

You don't have to be in the countryside for all and sundry to know all about you.

I am currently in a small market town in Norfolk - stuck here because of the pandemic - I know no-one and it's Heaven!

My home is in London, not that far from where I grew up. It is a different world to my childhood area, I only know the neighbours on either side and we mind our own business. They're very nice and would be helpful if I needed help as I would to them.

A small village would, I think, be more claustrophobic. Nice for holidays but not to live.

TierFourTears · 28/01/2021 18:48

It's not just a small town thing.
I was brought up in A, and went to school there. DH lived 200 miles away.
Looking through old photos one evening, living in E, we discovered DH shared a flat at uni (City C)with someone I went to school with. And I went to Uni (in D) and played in the same team as a girl who married his best mate from school.
The world is very interconnected.

wellthatsunusual · 28/01/2021 18:50

It has never bothered me. People knowing who I am doesn't bother me. They might know who I'm related to and who I'm friends with, but that doesn't mean they know anything about me so it's not some huge breach of privacy.

orchidsonabudget · 28/01/2021 18:58

I like it

pktechgirl · 28/01/2021 19:04

Husband is from a tiny seaside town. Whenever we go there - I clearly do not belong because of the colour of my skin. However everyone knows me and the dc due to his sibling still living there. It is unnerving how many people stop me and ask how DH or DC or my MIL is doing. They also do not introduce themselves so when I ask my DH, I have to describe the dog in order to work out who the person was.

Janegrey333 · 28/01/2021 19:10

I live in a village and I hardly know anyone!

wonkylegs · 28/01/2021 19:29

I think it can be very location dependent rather than necessarily related to size.
The town I went to school in was small but generally a commuter town for 2 cities and although there were some connections they weren't loads. It was an area where people often moved into or away from.
When I went to uni I moved to a city in the NE and even when I was a student it seemed like everyone knew everyone else no matter where I lived in the city. Then I moved to a village near a NE market town and it was like that, on steroids.
Everyone knows everyone else, their history, their links .... the day DS1 had a trial in his new school (before we moved in) I drove him here and as it was too far to go back home/to work, I thought I'd mooch round the town. First shop I went in, indie kitchen shop, I said I was just browsing as we were moving to our new house in X village in a months time. The guy said "oh yes that'll be John and Jane's house, we fitted the kitchen there in 1985. They said they'd sold to a young family"... I hadn't said where in the village the house was or it's name and it's a large village with a few thousand residents. 😳

BotanyBetty · 28/01/2021 19:48

Yep. Grew up in North London. Now live in a 'market town' in commuter belt. We've been here 8 years and I'm still not used to how people all know each other. I'm quite introverted, which definitely makes it worse! My kids have more freedom here than they would have done if they'd grown up in my old neighbourhood, and it's a beautiful place, so it's worth it (ish )

Peanutbutterblood · 28/01/2021 19:50

I grew up in a little village where everyone knew everyone and everyone was subject to gossip for anything. I hated it. My family moved to the outskirts and I moved further away, my mum still knows everything but even if I've heard of someone shes talking about I pretend i dont.

I really couldnt give a toss what these people are up to. I'd also hate the idea of these people thinking they "know" me. They might know who I am but after leaving 10 years ago they dont know me at all.

I'm so happy to live rurally away from people

Flamingolingo · 28/01/2021 20:14

I grew up in a small town and everyone knows everyone. I don’t think I would want to live there, not with people remembering me as a child/teen. Feels like an invasion of privacy.

We live in a fairly large city but within our suburban area there are so many questions. We know a lot of people, but then we also have mutual friends with people we don’t know so well. And then there is the whole school crossover thing. Everyone’s children go to primary school together. Going for a walk means we will see someone we know, going to the supermarket too. I like it!

ImInStealthMode · 28/01/2021 20:24

Like @Strokethefurrywall I'm also an island dweller (about 100,000 here) and we were only laughing the other that a friend is extremely sceptical of her latest tinder match because she can't find anyone who knows him, or even of him. It just doesn't happen, so we obviously assume he must be a catfish

I like it this way though. The community can show real kindness of spirit in its best moments, and it's a very safe place to live. I love travelling to big busy cities but find it odd to get used to not seeing familiar faces on the street. It makes me feel a bit lost.

BackforGood · 28/01/2021 20:25

Don't underestimate the importance of community.

When people need help a community provides it.

I agree with this.
I live in a City of over a million people. My experience is much more like your current experience. I will always see someone or some people I know when I go to the supermarket or the High Street.
I am part of lots of communities, because I join in things and I chat to people. I've lived in the area all my life, and I belong to lots of different things, and over the years my (now adult) dc have belonged to different things, and when I used to take them along to their things, I'd chat to people and get on with other parents and build more communities.

I don't think this is solely to do with the size of the town you live in.

phoenixrosehere · 28/01/2021 20:30

Similar experience in DH’s village except no one tells me who they are nor approaches me and I only find out about them because they tell FIL they saw me walking around the area (it has lots of nature trails mixed in with farmland and I find the walk calming) before I even get a chance to tell anyone about it. Been with my husband for a decade and I’ve only seen five people that have skin tone like me in their area.

unmarkedbythat · 28/01/2021 20:43

My teen years were spent in a small town and it was shit. Everyone does know everyone or at least of them. Everything you do is known. Falling out with one person can mean falling out with a hundred. I hated it. I live in a city now , yes, there are communities within it but it does not compare to life in a small town. If you haven't experienced it you just won't get it!

hellejuice91 · 28/01/2021 21:11

I grew up in an alright size town but when I was 20 I moved to where I live now, there is about 12,000 people living here. My best friend was born and grew up here and he knows EVERYBODY and extension everybody knows me. I have lost count of the number of times that someone has commented that they saw me somewhere.

In some ways it isn't nice as I have felt judged in the past, in other ways it is great. It is very easy to find any sort of local tradesman and any service that you want and when covid was not here I would go out and think nothing of walking home on my own at night.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 28/01/2021 21:26

I live in a village of 1250. People can get weirdly offended if you talk about someone who they dont know. Why dont I know them?

I rather like it though just because everyone knows all the kids so it feels v safe.

LizFlowers · 28/01/2021 22:12

*Don't underestimate the importance of community.

When people need help a community provides it.*

Do they really?

BackforGood · 28/01/2021 22:50

Yes, In my experience LizFlowers

I both give, and have received support when it has been needed. That is very, very normal in my world.

Bythemillpond · 29/01/2021 08:31

And I think it was why my children were fairly well behaved. We always pointed out to them that they were known to almost everyone in the village and if they put a foot wrong, I'd know immediately

This is why at the first opportunity I left.

I did live in a village once where I didn’t know anyone but they seemed to know, or think they knew everything about me. I could hear them gossiping when I went to the shop or when I walked the dog. When I was packing to leave the place I was told told that a certain person from the village was going to buy my house.
The fact it had been sold to someone else didn’t really sink in. Because someone who had lived in the village their whole life said who was going to buy the house then apparently I should wait around for them to come and view the place. I swear they were in shock when I told them it was already sold. To an outsider.

DuzzyFuck · 29/01/2021 18:30

@LizFlowers

*Don't underestimate the importance of community.

When people need help a community provides it.*

Do they really?

In my community usually yes. So many stories of the community doing amazing selfless things for individuals in need when called upon.

corlan · 29/01/2021 18:37

My father grew up in a small village where his father was the school teacher. Everyone knew everyone's business. He came to live in London as a young man, and was shocked to see a drunk man lying on the pavement, and passers by just stepping over the man. Dad said, "That was the moment that I knew I was going to like London." Took me years to understand what he meant!

dancinfeet · 29/01/2021 19:01

I live in a small town and moved here 15 years ago from a city. My DDs hate it and will never come back here to live once they have flown the nest. Whilst I appreciate that it has been a lovely safe place to raise my children when they were young, it is also stifling and full of small minded gossips. I dread living here alone when my daughters fully move out, I would rather live where no one knows me and start again somewhere completely new.

Bythemillpond · 29/01/2021 21:29

Don’t underestimate the importance of anonymity.
Being able to walk down the street in your slippers and dressing gown whilst retrieving something from the boot of your car without it getting back to someone who gives you a lecture on decency and getting properly dressed before opening your front door.

EBearhug · 30/01/2021 01:32

He came to live in London as a young man, and was shocked to see a drunk man lying on the pavement, and passers by just stepping over the man. Dad said, "That was the moment that I knew I was going to like London."

And that is exactly what I hated about living in London.

LizFlowers · 30/01/2021 01:42

London is a city within which are many towns, some small. I mentioned earlier that I grew up in one where everyone knew everybody else's business. Where I live now (when I am back in my 'real' home after lockdown), there is a community though I don't know anyone in it; I receive free newsletters telling me what goes on:-). It's not as bad as where I grew up, I am fairly anonymous thankfully. I do things for people locally from behind my computer and nobody knows it's me.

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