To be surprised at how everyone knows everyone in small towns?

[thissemicharmedlife]

Well obviously I am BU because it’s such a given, but has anybody found this aspect a bit of a culture shock when moving from a bigger city to a smaller town?

I grew up in a biggish city then moved to a lovely market town about 12 miles away (population about 30,000) at 20. However me and DP continued working in our home city for the first few years so never really got to know anyone locally. Anyway since having a child (so experiencing baby groups, nursery and school start) as well as getting a part-time job locally it’s really hit me how everybody knows everybody. There is no separation at all, if you mention where you work to your neighbours then they inevitably know or are related to half of your colleagues. If one of the school mums adds you on Facebook then they are mutual friends with everyone else you know in the town. You can’t go round Sainsbury’s without seeing a dozen people you know. I kind of miss before when I was anonymous.

I do wonder what it will be like longterm for my children to grow up and go to school here. If you’ve grown up in a small town did it feel a bit claustrophobic to know everybody? I used to bus to secondary school in a different area of my city and my parents didn’t know anyone else’s parents at my school. I would bet there’s at most one degree of separation between everyone round here.

Don't underestimate the importance of community.

When people need help a community provides it.

Yeah if you fit in it’s fine, sort of. In a small minded way.

If you have anything different or quirky about you, you’re fucked.

I do think there is a class element to this. It’s not just small towns. It’s small towns where everyone stays

It's not. I live in a small town, and its seen a huge influx of incomers in the last 30 years, the town is twice the size at least than it was as its now on a commuter belt of a big city. I know a lot of people, but some of my friends know literally everyone! It's a very multicultural community with people from all over the world. But its very cery community orientated and because its small you just get to know people very easily.

Oh, and theres a lot of very quirky people, and none of them are "fucked". I don't even know what that means.

The folks that think that 'different' people are not welcomed - I think that really depends on the place. My village, and other villages nearby, would certainly appear that way to a newcomer, but it's only a surface appearance. So say if you had a trans person come to stay (and assuming that was the first trans person that a lot of people in the village had ever actually known personally), at first they'd be gossiping and intrigued and it would probably be pretty uncomfortable for the person. But a bit of time later, the person would be 'theirs' and they would be accepted as a human. 'Oh that's Tim, he stays by the river, helps my auntie with her shopping, and yes, he's trans.' I don't know if I'm explaining well here! What I mean is, some of the people in the village might be still shocked/confused by trans people in general, but not Tim, because they know him. They treat him like a human being like any other.
Before anyone jumps at me, I'm not saying they're right to be shocked at first! Just that yes, village outlook can be limited by their relatively narrow experience, but that given the chance most villagers in most villages will get used to new things and accept people.

I should say that although I previously said I was from a large village, judging by some of the village sizes people on here consider large, it transpires I'm actually from a very small village I'm from the North West Highlands... just comparing my village to other ones nearby and I thought it was big!

argh 'accepted as a human' was meant to say 'accepted as any other human would be' - it wasn't meant to sound like they were treated as any kind of sub-human before!

I'm guessing those who are saying that 'different' people are not accepted in small communities have personal reasons for saying so. I'm not sure how nice it would be to be Tim the transman even if you were nominally "accepted". But of course no two places are the same and I'm sure there are genuinely welcoming, open, broad-minded small communities in the UK.

I truly believe it depends on the person though. I grew up in a small town and loved it. The sense of belonging somewhere was fabulous.

When my dad died there were 200+ people jammed in the church - all of them knew me, all of them offered help, some just popped round and cut the grass, or dropped in a cottage pie, a cake, or stopped for a chat when passing... for weeks...

I now live in a suburb of a very large town. Life is the same. I work in a pharmacy, the customers know me by name. My daughter was ill a while back and everyone still asks how she is doing. Sometimes I guess you can't take the small town out of the person...

@ThePlantsitter I agree - Tim would not be accepted by every single person. Say 5% (random number) avoided him because they are nasty and unaccepting. This would be the same statistic as in a city, but in a city he doesn't have to know these people. In the village he maybe can't easily avoid Janet who works in the corner shop.

As someone said.
Unless you’ve been on the receiving end of the small town mentally positively or negatively you can’t really understand

And I always feel with small towns it is always very positive or very negative, there’s no “oh just let the folk live their lives and we don’t know or mind what they get up to”

I live in small town with a population of around 7k.

Before I moved in with DH I often came to stay with him. When I passed my driving test and drove here for the first time, a neighbour two doors down popped her head out to tell me congratulations

It has its advantages, though. There's a fantastic sense of community and everyone looks out for everyone else. The community spirit shown through pandemic has been phenomenal and the vulnerable have received incredible amounts of help.

People are very welcome to "newbies" and are more than happy to support new businesses too. I started up my business about a year ago and the support has been amazing. I don't think I'd have received the same level of support in a city.

I grew up in a smallish town, and I still feel more part of that place than where I currently live. I'd probably move back if there were suitable jobs around, as a couple of schoolfriend have. I miss being part of a community in the same way. There is an element of it with some of the long term residents where I currently live, in a much bigger town, but there being 4 or 5 secondaries rather than just one does seem to make a difference. Back home (it is still home, even though both parents are now dead,) there are still people who care about how I am. That's not really the same here, even though I have been involved in activities outside of work to meet people. I do occasionally see people in the supermarket I know, but it's not as likely as back home.

That does mean I have more anonymity here, which can also be a benefit. But I like knowing that someone is a cousin of the bloke who used to run the corner shop, whose girlfriend had an affair with the bloke in the shoe shop, whose mother worked in the pub round the corner...

At work, there is training on how to network. I've often thought, you just need to grow up in a small town...

My husband grew up in one and my parents grew up more in a smaller city but everyone within a 5 mile or so radius had connections to each other. My parent high schools were rivals. My sister and I grew up in a similar sized city 20 minutes away. Hearing them talk about it and seeing it for myself. I moved to a big city 4.5 hours away because my mother wouldn’t let me move further.

I hate gossip and had to listen to it for years growing up and thought no way would I want me and/or my children to be so bored that they have nothing better to do. I get on with my in-laws but hearing the village gossip every time we visit is mind-numbing. I be polite and smile when I really don’t care nor is it my business. My husband is the same way.

We live in a commuter town with access to bigger cities and you have to be part of a clique of some sort to know such things. We like it that way. MIL wants us to move to their village and neither of us are keen.

@Marinaloves

Yeah if you fit in it’s fine, sort of. In a small minded way.

If you have anything different or quirky about you, you’re fucked.

I have to say that this is more like my experience. My parents weren’t from the town and my mum said she struggled to make mum friends when I was a baby - the friends she made (and still has now) are others who moved to the town from elsewhere. I was ‘different’ as a kid, I was creative and away with the fairies a lot of the time, I didn’t want to wear ‘normal’ clothes as a teenager and experimented with my look and style and I was teased a lot through school. I never felt I fitted in in the town, and I didn’t have the dozens of extended family living locally that a lot of other people had, which added to that. I’ve no idea what it’s like now for kids growing up here but my mum works in a school and says they’ve had a few ex-pupils come out as gay and trans in their teens and they seem to have lots of friends that don’t bat an eyelid so I can only hope it’s improved!

My grandmother used to say about her village that if you went into your closet at midnight with your curtains closed abs sneezed, by the time you got to the greengrocer the next morning they’d be asking after your cold.

Of the next (even smaller) village she’d say “if you kick one, they all limp.”

People were always talked about in family terms - “He’s a Bellis. All the Bellis men are workshy.”

I prefer a city, but where I know everyone in my community without it being claustrophobic.

I grew up in a large town but loads of connections. I found it a bit claustrophobic and stifling tbh. I had a dysfunctional family and it felt like I was defined by them. I went to a rough school too so working hard or being quirky made you a target for bullies. I wasn't bullied but I never felt I could be myself there.

I moved to a big city which I liked the anonymity.

I now live in a similar sized large town and like the multi connectedness although I'm often left scratching my head how people know each other.

Facebook and community boards have a lot to answer for. I can walk past someone in the street that I've never spoken to in my entire life but recognise them and know when their birthday is, where they live, what they do for a living, who they're related to, political opinions etc. It's why I largely give them a swerve these days as some days they make AIBU look polite and tolerant.
That said once you've had kids, done the playgroup, nurseries, schools, hobbies, volunteering etc you do get to know quite a few people in your town.

@Jijithecat

Facebook and community boards have a lot to answer for. I can walk past someone in the street that I've never spoken to in my entire life but recognise them and know when their birthday is, where they live, what they do for a living, who they're related to, political opinions etc. It's why I largely give them a swerve these days as some days they make AIBU look polite and tolerant. That said once you've had kids, done the playgroup, nurseries, schools, hobbies, volunteering etc you do get to know quite a few people in your town.

Couldn't agree more about Facebook groups - I meet people on dog walks and think, "Oh, you're so-and-so from Smith street who had a problem with the bin men last Tuesday"

Grew up in a big city and a rural village at different times and I couldn't get away from the latter fast enough. So suffocating. And the price you have to pay for all the nice community acceptance is a very conservative conformity. If you're not white and/or not straight it can be hell on earth to grow up in a small town or village.

I find the anonymity of a big city, and the freedom to find your own people, total bliss in comparison.

Which big city are you from OP?

In our area of London we know lots of local people and then find connections unexpectedly. DD's best friend was at school with DH as was our GP although they weren't good mates. Another local friend knows a friend of ours from elsewhere. We have these connections but it's not EVERYONE

Small seaside town. Everyone knows everyone else. Pop to the shops are you always see someone you know. Took me 90mins to get round the tiny supermarket once.

I love the sense of community it brings, but I don’t love the gossip. Everyone has your back and that’s a truly amazing feeling.

Not DD's best friend, his dad

Just don’t believe everything you hear about your neighbours. At least half of it will be made up by people with nothing better to do.

I live in a large village of about 6000 people. I moved here when pregnant with my eldest and knew no one. I jumped straight into baby groups and now know loads of people and have close neighbours with children the same age as mine. It really is lovely. If you want some company at the park there's always someone willing to come (pre Covid of course) and as we don't have family support it's reassuring to know that if we had an emergency we know many people who know the children well enough to care for them.

I have befriended so many people of different ages and love it. It's nice to be part of the community.

There is tension between some people and often arguments on the local Facebook pages but it's fine if you keep out of that (and I'm not friends with the people who cause drama!)