To feel so guilty about my parenting choices?

[Festivemama]

FTM and I genuinely didn't realise how much incessant guilt I would feel about my parenting...

Baby is 4 months old. Feeling guilty about:

-rocking her to sleep (because she's not put down 'drowsy but awake' even though there isn't a chance in hell she would drift off on her own)
-feeding her to sleep (see above about DBA, and by doing so I suppose I'll be feeding her to sleep until she's 10)
-letting her nap on me (tired from the night wake ups so it's easier for me and I enjoy the cuddles)
-putting her in her bouncer during the day so I can get a few bits done (according to other parents, I should have her strapped to me for 8 hours a day or she'll develop attachment issues)
-putting her in nursery full time at 10 months, I'm told this causes emotional and behavioural issues

The list goes on. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing her. I know the obvious is to ignore what other parents are saying, but online groups are the only human contact I have at the moment and I'm desperate to chat with other mums ☹️

Does the guilt ever subside? Do you ever fully feel like you're succeeding, or do you just try your best and hope that's good enough?

YABU for being so hard on yourself. The only right answer when it comes to parenting is 'Does what I'm doing work for us?' Everything else is just noise.

I did all of the above with my 4. (And felt guilty). Happy to report they are now aged 41 - 31, and all very happy and well-balanced!

You’re doing fine!

I have 18 month old twins who have been in nursery since 6.5 months (except for two months during first lockdown), that I rocked to sleep until I could lay/cuddle/pat their bums to sleep (which we still do now) and that contact napped until around 6 months. They are both happy and sleep well (my girl usually sleeps through and my boy will stir briefly once or twice night). Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job!

None of that is anything to feel guilty about!

I did all of the above with my two but put them into full time nursery much earlier than you did. Never felt even a tiny bit guilty and never will. Why? Babies are hard. The stuff you listed is all completely normal!

I never felt guilty with either of my DC you just have to get on with life as best you can and allow your baby to slot into life alongside you.

They had love and security which is what matters.

Mine went into nursery by 10 months and they both absolutely loved it so no guilt there.

I did/do all of the above. It was one of the saddest days of my life when DS stopped feeding to sleep because I suddenly had to work out how on earth to do it without! DS was never happier than in his bouncy chair too. I wish they made them for toddlers! No guilt here.

No one ever thinks they're doing the right thing 100% of the time. Parenting is such a steep learning curve. And annoyingly just when you get the hang of something you have to learn something else!

If she's ok. You're ok. Then you're doing ok.

It's hard but try not to compare to everyone else. You sound like you're doing an awesome job. It's so overwhelming in the first months. Try to take a breath and look after yourself too.

These all sound absolutely fine OP!!

she's not put down 'drowsy but awake'

Hahaha this suggestion made me laugh when mine were little. When is a baby ever happily 'drowsy but awake'? The categories for mine were:

• awake and happy
• awake and progressively grizzly
• awake, over-tired and howling
• finally asleep

The list goes on. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing her. I know the obvious is to ignore what other parents are saying, but online groups are the only human contact I have at the moment and I'm desperate to chat with other mums

Why though? Why not just chat to other people whether they're mums or not?

That way the conversation is far more varied. The topic of kids will come up now and again but as it won't be the main focus, the conversations will probably lead to far less judgeiness.

You are thinking about it way too much. She's only 4 months old. You shouldn't have made enough "parenting choices" to feel guilty yet. What your describing is just doing what works for you and your baby. Carry on. You can't do exactly the same thing with all babies. They are individuals like every other human and animal on the planet. What works for one doesn't necessarily mean it will work for the other.

Being your baby sounds quite a cushy number! Lots of love and cuddles, which is all a four-month-old wants. Sounds like you're doing great.

Just stop comparing yourself - do what’s right and what works best for you and your baby, only you can judge that. Make the choices that work for you two and then just do them, no point feeling guilty. If the other options were better suited you’d have picked them? Such a waste of energy.

Also just avoid the mum Facebook groups, there’s so much insecurity and self doubt on there it’s a wonder they get through the day and I’m fairly certain it’s contagious, everyone just winds each other up.

putting her in her bouncer during the day so I can get a few bits done (according to other parents, I should have her strapped to me for 8 hours a day or she'll develop attachment issues)

It looks like you're (correctly) saying this in a sarcastic way so you obviously know it's bollocks! Crack on, op, it gets a lot easier.

Those are all fine OP, honestly!

Oh been there, felt the guilt!
My DD is 2.5 now, she slept on me during the day, she started nursery at 9.5m and she has never been "drowsy yet awake" to be put down, it's more of a sort of on off switch with her, always has been. She loved her bouncer, we didnt get a sling until she was about 5 m she liked it but was never a baby to be swaddled so was only happy for short periods.
I have an online mummy group and all us ftm were the same with the guilt and panicking that we would mess them up for life by not co sleeping, or baby wearing or teaching bloody einstein theory of relativity the moment they popped out! It was really useful to speak to the 2nd, third, 4th time mums because they were so calming about all the fears whilst understanding that they had felt the same the first time round.

My DD has no attachment issues, she loves nursery, and stopped feeding to sleep about the age of 1, but i think nursery helped with that!

It's easy to say now, but please dont be so hard on yourself, do what works for you and baby! When it stops working then review it, both happy, leave it be!

@Festivemama other than putting my child in nursery (me and DP do day and night shifts at work I’m not judging) I do all what you listed and my DD is 8 months.
Is my DD happy YES is she healthy YES is she developing well YES so what harm am I doing?? None so don’t feel guilty. There’s no hand book you have to do what you have to do you aren’t doing anything no other women hasn’t done 😌

@Festivemama sending you hugs. Listen.. what works for some mums, doesn't work for others etc etc. Whatever helps you SURVIVE at this stage is the right thing💗. If baby is happy and healthy and you're doing well mentally and physically then screw what "rules" are and screw what anyone thinks. Being a mum is HAARD. We feel guilty about every decision and if we don't .. then someone will MAKE us feel guilty. You're doing great, keep going.

I did all 5 and so far DD doesn't seem damaged by any of them! She's now 4, sleeps in her own bed for 12 hours straight. She naturally stopped breastfeeding at 2 and co-sleeping at 3 (from 2 she was in her own bed but would appear in mine at some stage still). I honestly think you have to do what feels right for you both and have faith in those convictions. Mum guilt is very real and in my experience I feel some element of guilt whatever I decide to do.

You need to sort out your head - not your parenting! Your parenting sounds completely normal and fine. I fed my DD to sleep til she was 13 months old - took a week to get her out of the habit. She also started at nursery at 9 months old and is a sociable happy little girl who can interact with other children, runs in happily at the beginning of the day and is always delighted to see mummy at the end of the day (unless in the middle of a particularly fun activity). If anything, wouldn't ALWAYS having a child with you create attachment issues as they wouldn't want to ever be separated from you?

Nip this in the bud - or this guilt is just going to follow you around and get worse over time!

I thought you were going to say you did a Micheal Jackson but accidentally dropped baby out the window by your thread title.

All sounds ‘normal’ and healthy. Enjoy your time together!!!

You're reading the wrong books/social media/listening to the wrong friends.

Nothing to feel guilty about there.

What you're doing is totally normal. Don't stress it.

Mum guilt never goes away (and gets worse when there's more than one). It you get better at ignoring it.

Do what works for you and your baby. Whatever decisions you make you'll feel guilty about it, so do what suits...