To feel so guilty about my parenting choices?

[Festivemama]

FTM and I genuinely didn't realise how much incessant guilt I would feel about my parenting...

Baby is 4 months old. Feeling guilty about:

-rocking her to sleep (because she's not put down 'drowsy but awake' even though there isn't a chance in hell she would drift off on her own)
-feeding her to sleep (see above about DBA, and by doing so I suppose I'll be feeding her to sleep until she's 10)
-letting her nap on me (tired from the night wake ups so it's easier for me and I enjoy the cuddles)
-putting her in her bouncer during the day so I can get a few bits done (according to other parents, I should have her strapped to me for 8 hours a day or she'll develop attachment issues)
-putting her in nursery full time at 10 months, I'm told this causes emotional and behavioural issues

The list goes on. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing her. I know the obvious is to ignore what other parents are saying, but online groups are the only human contact I have at the moment and I'm desperate to chat with other mums ☹️

Does the guilt ever subside? Do you ever fully feel like you're succeeding, or do you just try your best and hope that's good enough?

Oh gosh ignore the term drowsy but awake, it’s a path to misery! It does not fucking exist for any of my kids! I totally relate OP, I also spent the first two years of my eldest’s life Ruth similar guilt. I know it’s impossible while you’re adjusting to everything but I wish I had been able to set aside the guilt, done a lot less, stayed in bed more with the baby and looked after myself. Wish you lots of luck.

Apart from nursery I did all of the things on your list regularly until well past a year. Ds is a happy toddler who is doing well now. Do what works for you.

@Bumply

You're reading the wrong books/social media/listening to the wrong friends.

Nothing to feel guilty about there.

This

I haven't put my 18 month old into nursery and I felt massively guilty about it. Was he missing out on experiences etc that others his age are getting, etc etc.

I think there's mum guilt in everything. You sound like a great mum OP

My dd went to nursery from 10 months. I was wracked with guilt because she had only just started sitting up and crawling so I was worried they would have her strapped in a bouncer all day. They didn't, I was just devastated to have to leave her. I rocked ds to sleep, I shouldn't have, he got used to it and I made a rod for my own back. I didn't use a baby carrier at all with dd, I had a section and found it uncomfortable to have her pressed against my tummy. Dh used it instead. I never used it indoors and sue me she would cry when I would shower (sat in a bouncer in the bathroom so she could see me) but I still had one anyway. You live and learn and ultimately we all try our best. What works for one family might not for you and yours. Dont let it get you down take it one day at a time and best of luck x

Honestly mum guilt is always lurking but I think you get better at recognising it for being a bit irrational (not a kick at all bear with me). I can remember being distressed like never before at possibly getting breast feeding wrong , or whether and when they go into their own rooms , I remember weeks of researching the benefits of dream feeding and nearly killing exdh when on the only time I asked him to do the dream feed he didn't do it properly thinking that 20ml difference would mean that ds1 would never thrive!.

Now they are 8 and 5 , I ignore all the expectations from other mums. I realise I'm doing some things really well and others not so much. I do see more clearly out of the insane baby years that my DC are loved , safe and doing ok . That's fine. I'm doing well.

Having said that I still get moments of worry , Am I doing this right? What if it turns out the advice was wrong and I'm damaging them? And so on.

Look some bits you will get right , some bits you would do differently if you did it again. But I absolutely promise you , if you are trying and putting the effort in it will come out ok. There is no such thing as perfect parenting. It doesn't exist, there may be perfect for person A , which will be not worth a damn for Person B ,or most importantly be useless for Person A's second child.

Take the pressure off, every decision was made with the information and situation as it was. There is nothing wrong with that.

I think it's really important to have confidence in your own decisions. Decide what works for your family, do that, and respect the fact that other people will make different choices

We all do what we need to do to to survive, don’t feel guilty.

Did all of those with child 1, currently doing the same with child 2. Both are happy, healthy and loved.

Enjoy the cuddle naps while you can, they don’t last forever.

And “drowsy but awake” can fuck the fuck off, many a day that phrase haunted me and made me feel like crap because my baby wasn’t into that!

Sounds like you are doing just fine. Don’t feel guilty and stop comparing yourself to others. I did most of what you do btw and DS stopped feeding to sleep about 3.5 years. There is no rush to change things if they work for you.

I did all that and worse with mine.
All turned out fine IMO.

Well I used a bouncer and never carried any of mine (now teens) in a sling because I didn’t like slings and I had spine issues, and mine have turned out perfectly ok and attached.
Ignore the nonsense suggestions and just do what you want!

Look, OP, 'mum guilt' is just the usual patriarchal shite aimed at keeping women in their place. Ask yourself who benefits from you appearing to feel this is some kind of inevitable thing, like ageing? It certainly isn't you.

I've never felt a second of 'mum' guilt, and I'd be very interested in the motivation of anyone who seems to think I should feel anything other than positive about having an ELCS, formula-feeding, and going back to work very happily.

I've done all of those things and felt exactly like you! My little girl is nearly a year now and tbh she's grown out of most of those things by herself. Every now and then I would try something different and eventually one day it would stick. When she was ready. Although she still is held to fall asleep, nursery get her down just fine without doing that. She has milk before she naps but not to send her to sleep any more. She started nursery at just over ten months and it's been fantastic for her! Especially for lockdown babies who haven't had the opportunity to socialise or go to baby groups or things like that, they're so ready for nursery by that ago imo. Try not to worry.

@kilcaple I love this, you are so right!! I hadn't put the two together!! I formula feed too and although it wasn't my intended way of feeding, my god it feels vital to me for introducing some sort of equality onto the parenting. And going back to work has saved me!!

The right way to do things with a baby equals whatever works for you!!
My two certainly never did anything by the book but they have made it to 19 and 15 happy and healthy (and neither of them need rocked to sleep or their dummy now!!!).
Best advice I was given was not to listen to how other people do things.

What on earth? All of the things that you are doing are NORMAL. Why on earth should you feel guilty for feeding your baby to sleep? I breastfed mine and there were entire days and weeks where we would snooze, nurse and repeat. It's natural. Be nice to yourself.

Gosh I really needed to hear this today! I think it's easy to second guess myself right now... I'm not getting out much and probably spend too much time googling and seeing what "experts" think I should be doing but it's just not realistic.

Really need to work on my confidence as a parent - but thank you all for validating how I'm feeling in the meantime. Currently contact napping (and going to watch Netflix instead of obsessing over sleep!!)

And @bananamonkey agree, that phrase and whoever invented it definitely need to fuck the fuck off 😁

That's better. Watch Bridgerton.

Currently have my 6 month old sleeping on me while I watch Bridgerton on Netflix and eating biscuits. No guilt.

You're doing just fine OP. Your baby is safe and warm and loved. It's really hard not being able to chat with other people in the same position in person, totally understand that. Hopefully when things improve you can get to some baby groups and meet people, but you sound like you're a great mum so don't worry

You're doing fabulously. I did all of those, except that both of mine went into full time nursery at 6 months, not 10. Youngest will be 18 next week. And we're all a bit battered by life, but that's nothing to do with my parenting at 4 months and everything to do with the way their dad turned out, but even so they're succeeding in life and at school.

Just enjoy your baby. Perfectionism and competitive parenting will not help either of you in the long run. And I mean that kindly.

Hi OP

I feel the same. All the time. This site doesnt help sometimes, people act like tiny things will make huge differences. In reality - its v unlikely. You do you. And you're doing great

None of those things are bad. The guilt dissipates. Until they're 4yrs old and having a go at you about recycling everything. Lol

"Mummy, why are you putting FOOD in the rubbish bin!? THINK of the baby turtles!"

Lol

Yeah just nod and smile and know they all do stuff they feel bad about! I used to get all stressed about not ironing my muslins which is laughable now. But at the time I was convinced I HAD to.