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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up a new job on day 4 because I'm just not coping with life

56 replies

IamBitzyVonMuffling · 27/01/2021 17:40

I started a new part-time job last week, a good and interesting job but with a steep learning curve. It's my first job after being a sahm for 8 years.

I am suffering with some health problems and awaiting further tests and investigations, I have three primary aged children that I am currently homeschooling, and a husband who works extremely long hours and is often away for weeks on end. I am anxious, miserable and exhausted.

My employer seems to be extremely understanding and accommodating of my need to work flexibly with the kids at home but I'm just not coping with anything at all well. I want to make a go of the job but just can't seem to get into the correct mindset for it. I have no motivation, lie awake at night fretting about juggling it all and I hate the idea of not doing well / not proving myself. No other family nearby so absolutely no help with childcare.

I feel as though the kids are not getting as much support as they need with their homeschooling. None of them can focus without me being on hand to help and cheer them on, so they end up sitting with tablets/tv for hours in the afternoon whilst I try to get some work done.

We are lucky in that I think we can just about manage on my husband's salary . I can't help thinking that much as I want the job, it's just not the right time for me and I should probably put my mental health first. I feel a bit like I am unravelling at the seams really.

My husband is really supportive and says he'll be right behind me whatever I decide. I guess I just feel like I've been given this brilliant opportunity job-wise (part time jobs where I live are not at all easy to find) and I worry about throwing it away. But the idea of it is making me just so incredibly stressed and anxious.

Guess I am just looking for some advice/reassurance really. Thanks.

OP posts:
Teentitansonloop · 27/01/2021 17:41

Can your DH ask for time off/working from home?

DelphiniumBlue · 27/01/2021 17:45

Stick with the job. You say it's a rare opportunity, and home-schooling won't last forever. You'll need a job and an income in the future.
How is DH able to support you more? How is he right behind you - is he hiring in help, or taking flexi-leave to enable you to work? Skypeing the DC during the afternoons, or helping them with their school work and then making -up the time later? Or is this just idle chat on his part?

CastleCrasher · 27/01/2021 17:47

It's such early days, I wouldn't give up yet, give yourself a chance to get used to the change of pace and establish new routines. Put a date in your diary, maybe 6-8 weeks from now. Tell yourself you'll give it a good go, but on that date of it's not working, you'll reconsider. Giving yourself both time to get used to it but also permission to walk away if you need should help

saveforthat · 27/01/2021 17:49

I've just started a new job WFH training by Zoom is incredibly hard and I don't have any children. Give it a bit longer. Ask DH to take some days off so he can deal with children. Schools may be back 08 March.

Perfect28 · 27/01/2021 17:49

Don't quit. Starting a new job is always hard, especially so in your circumstances.

ArosGartref · 27/01/2021 17:50

No, not on day 4! But I totally understand how you're feeling. I started a new job recently and have had exactly the same doubts but the longer I work here the easier it is. Keep going.

2pinkginsplease · 27/01/2021 17:50

I wouldn’t give up on day 4. Getting into a routine takes time for a family when there isn’t a big change like this.

Home schooling isn’t going to be forever, can your dh use some of his holidays to tide you over a bit to help get into a routine.

cheeseandworcestershireontoast · 27/01/2021 17:51

It’s your first job in 8 years, it’ll be a shock and very hard to get used to. But you’ll crack it, then the kids will be back in school and you’ll be so pleased you stuck with it. You’ve got this OP! Star

4Mongrels · 27/01/2021 17:54

I wouldn’t give up the job. Homeschooling won’t be forever.

What were your reasons for looking for a job in the first place?

Backbee · 27/01/2021 17:55

Firstly congratulations on getting the job, jobs you find interesting can be hard to come by, and there were likely many others in the application process; they saw you as the ideal candidate and know you have what it takes. The situation at the moment is very challenging, as is starting a new job after 8 years- combine them both and what you are feeling is absolutely not a surprise at all. It's great that work are open to being flexible, and as others have said, home schooling won't be forever (although it might feel like it now). Do you feel you could talk honestly and openly with your line manager about how you were feeling? You can tell you take the job seriously and want to do well by the fact that you are worrying about it, and they will see that. It feels a shame to throw the towel in though, maybe set a target, so x more days and reassess.

Rexasaurus · 27/01/2021 17:59

With the steep learning curve could you ask for more support/training from your employer? Would that help?

upthekyber · 27/01/2021 18:07

Presumably you have been on one wage so use your money from your new job to free yourself if some of the drudgery of parenthood, before you spend it on other things.

I have a cleaner and me and my husband both tidy the house the night before so she can blow through, on that night we have take out (cleaner is a cleaner who will tidy but neither of us mind that but we both hate cleaning so a better use of our money)

Take away once a week. And every other week one of those meal things that come in a box. Are we allowed to say??
I will write a couple down so I can't be accused of advertising but gusto and hello fresh are 2 such things they take away the stress of thinking about what to eat as well as the making of the food. Find a friend for the first month to give you a code to keep the price down.
Organise either supermarket delivery or pick up maybe your husband could do that on the way home.
A few years ago I was in your boots so I did the take out on one of the nights my husband was away in the week, as children don't eat much and that keep the price down
I am sure there are lots of other ways whist you acclimatise that you can find to take the pressure off. It is not easy to return to work.

Good luck

2ndAugust · 27/01/2021 18:08

In the nicest possible way, it’s day 4! Give yourself a chance. Most people that work and have young kids get stressed and worried, it’s standard.
Give yourself time to adjust.

user194729573 · 27/01/2021 18:11

I think you'd be doing yourself a huge disservice by quitting. You need to give yourself time to settle in and adjust. Nobody feels calm, relaxed and settled after 4 days in a new job!

I hate the idea of not doing well / not proving myself

Quitting after 4 days is self sabotage. It might feel tempting to run away to avoid the risk of doing less well than you'd like but all that does is reinforces your belief that you're not capable so that next time you'll have even less confidence.

Quitting denies you the chance to succeed and feel good about yourself.

Personally, I think quitting would be detrimental to your mental well-being.

What strategies are you using to manage your feelings?

mumofthemonsters808 · 27/01/2021 18:23

Hang on in there and stick with it, jobs are really hard to come by, please don’t give away this opportunity because you will regret it.You’ve done so well to get back into the workplace after taking a break and it’s natural to feel overwhelmed when new, but you can do this.WFH is bad enough when you’ve been doing the job for years. So I can imagine how a new person must feel, but situations change and you will be glad you persevered.

Hankunamatata · 27/01/2021 18:39

Can kids go to school a couple.of days a week?

ButtWormHole · 27/01/2021 18:40

No one is coping right now.

Do what you need to. It might be takeaways. It might be a cleaner. It might be iPad babysitter.

You can do this

larrythelizard · 27/01/2021 18:43

Like everyone else says, it's only day 4, don't worry about it, no one succeeds at a new job by day 4!

Maybe try and hang on until Easter and then make a decision then? I started a new job at the start of October and made a promise to myself that I wouldn't think about if it was a good move or not until Christmas.

It will get easier as kids will go back to school at some point and you'll get more comfortable with your job.

Hang in there!

HomeschooIerRockthemicrophone · 27/01/2021 18:45

What's the job and skill set required? Will it not be easier once kids do go back? That could conceivably be in a month's time. I'd hold fire til then.

Unreasonabubble · 27/01/2021 18:45

Oh my goodness! Listen to the Employer when they say they understand your situation. I have a temp helping me. She has young children and cannot, at no notice at all, come in. I have reassured her that is absolutely fine, children's health and hers come first. I also want to employ her permanently and my attitude, if she is unable to make it in, would be not different.

I think you will find that an awful lot of Employers DO understand what you are going through.

Speminalium · 27/01/2021 18:48

That's a tough start, but really well done for finding the job! Is your DH working from home? If he is then on the days you're also working can you share the kids? We've set a little desk up in my DH's study so he can supervise one of the older kids with his work while I juggle the others. It makes an amazing difference to what I can get done and reduces the pressure a bit. My conclusion is that we've been given an impossible task and we mustn't beat ourselves up for not achieving the impossible.

carbhunter · 27/01/2021 18:49

Stick with it. Leave the kids on screens all day if necessary, it's only until March when they go back to school. Good part time jobs are like hens teeth, I would suck it up and hold out a bit. Good luck, having kids, a job and homeschooling is awful!

LonginesPrime · 27/01/2021 19:07

I hate the idea of not doing well / not proving myself

Getting used to not always doing everything really well is something you'll need to adjust to if you want to have any kind of peace of mind as a working mother of three.

I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but juggling work and parenting does (for women, anyway) often mean that you, your family and your employer all have to settle for "good enough". Which is fine. You learn which corners you can cut and which aren't worth cutting, but it takes a significant period of adjustment.

Obviously prioritise your mental health, but I would give it a bit more of a chance first if you can, because it's natural to feel overwhelmed and to require an adjustment period.

LindainLockdown · 27/01/2021 19:19

I would stick it out if you possibly can, break it up into staying for another day, then another week, another month etc. It is such a tough jobs market I would not give it up without a fight. Have you been paid yet, say to yourself you will stay until then at least, being paid for work is such a boost to your self-esteem, if you go back to sahm you will still be doing lots of work anyway but without the monetary reward.

Heyahun · 27/01/2021 19:26

Omg don’t give up the job

Everyone is going through the same trying to homeschool the kids and work etc - you don’t quit your job to focus on homeschooling for a few months - you’ll end up with nothing

Your husband can do half the homeschooling - you can catch up with school stuff evenings and weekends after you finish work for the day

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