To give up a new job on day 4 because I'm just not coping with life

[IamBitzyVonMuffling]

I started a new part-time job last week, a good and interesting job but with a steep learning curve. It's my first job after being a sahm for 8 years.

I am suffering with some health problems and awaiting further tests and investigations, I have three primary aged children that I am currently homeschooling, and a husband who works extremely long hours and is often away for weeks on end. I am anxious, miserable and exhausted.

My employer seems to be extremely understanding and accommodating of my need to work flexibly with the kids at home but I'm just not coping with anything at all well. I want to make a go of the job but just can't seem to get into the correct mindset for it. I have no motivation, lie awake at night fretting about juggling it all and I hate the idea of not doing well / not proving myself. No other family nearby so absolutely no help with childcare.

I feel as though the kids are not getting as much support as they need with their homeschooling. None of them can focus without me being on hand to help and cheer them on, so they end up sitting with tablets/tv for hours in the afternoon whilst I try to get some work done.

We are lucky in that I think we can just about manage on my husband's salary . I can't help thinking that much as I want the job, it's just not the right time for me and I should probably put my mental health first. I feel a bit like I am unravelling at the seams really.

My husband is really supportive and says he'll be right behind me whatever I decide. I guess I just feel like I've been given this brilliant opportunity job-wise (part time jobs where I live are not at all easy to find) and I worry about throwing it away. But the idea of it is making me just so incredibly stressed and anxious.

Guess I am just looking for some advice/reassurance really. Thanks.

‘I feel as though the kids are not getting as much support as they need with their homeschooling. None of them can focus without me being on hand to help and cheer them on, so they end up sitting with tablets/tv for hours in the afternoon whilst I try to get some work done’

I think this is the same for a lot of us trying to work and home school at primary level, never mind first week into a job as well.

I’d try to stick it out. Honestly, no one is coping!

Also, yes get your husband to do his share of homeschooling

Do not give up the job. It’s only day 4. This is a brilliant opportunity.

I understand what you say about putting your mental health first. But unless there are other things that you aren’t saying, it’s not really a mental health issue; as much as perfectly normal anxiety over a new, challenging situation. Not everything that makes us feel uncomfortable, or overwhelmed or anxious is, necessarily bad and those feelings, unless prolonged or really serious, are part of the human condition, rather than strictly mental health issues.

You sound like you want to do well. Give it a bit longer. These sorts of opportunities, with good employers don’t come along as often as they should. Make the most of it.

And your children will be fine. It’s not uncommon at all for primary aged children to have 2 working parents. Yours will adjust. And most likely thrive.

Good luck.

Your husband is 'right behind you'? Does that mean he's ok with you working and ok if you decide that working on top of doing literally everything else is too much for you? What does he do to actually support you? Of course he needs to work to bring in some money but don't fall into the trap of thinking your job is just a little part time job for pin money that can only be done as long as everything else at home is still done.

I think you'd be mad to pack it in so soon and, I really don't mean this to sound nasty, but it does sound a bit like self sabotage. That you're very used to your standards as a SAHM and now, inevitably, things are going to change and you're looking for reasons to quit your job. I think you'd live to regret it if you did, once the kids are back at school and you're more settled into your work.

You need to put pressure on your husband to take on at least half of any domestic stuff (home schooling, lunch, laundry etc) that has to be done on your working days.

Seriously. Getting an interesting part time job after 8 years out of work is the holy bloody Grail and you don’t let that go!!

If your employer who’s only just hired you is willing to be flexible, then so should his be. They are his kids just as much as yours.

He says he’s right behind you, well he needs to put his money (or rather his time) where his mouth is and take on domestic stuff so you can make a go of it.

Out of interest, what is the job, in general terms? I would love to find something like that...

OP, if any consolation, I suspect the vast majority of primary aged kids are “on screens or tablets all afternoon” at the moment. Regardless of whether they have parent trying to juggle work or not! My kids certainly are - I leave the house for work at 12 and then it’s screen city for them until teatime. Do I think it’s ideal? No. Is it going to kill them? No. (Do they absolutely bloody love it? Yes )

As a fellow SAHM who has only recently returned to the work place after an even longer time away- please DO NOT give up this job after 4 days. It WILL get better. This lockdown scenario is not going to last forever, you will not have to homeschool your DC forever, but if you give up this job now you’ll regret it forever. Jobs are not easy to come by and they are especially not easy to come by if you’ve spent 8 years out of the workplace!

This is the hardest bit. A few months ago I was 4 days in and feeling as if my head was spinning. It’s common to feel like that during the first week in a new job, let alone during a pandemic!

Take a deep breath, talk to your husband, tell him you need proper, practical support, being “right behind you” is not enough, he needs to be helping practically. I also have a DH who works long hours in a high pressured finance job and you know what, despite the pressures he’s been able to adapt his day slightly to spend a bit of time with the kids in the afternoon and his working world hasn’t fallen in! You can make it work if you try.

Please don’t chuck the job in. You will honestly regret it if you do.

Thank you all so much for the advice. I really do feel a bit better about it and have found a bit of determination to push through for a while longer. You've given me a much needed kick up the butt to crack on a little bit. When the kids are back at school, it'll seem like a breeze in comparison. Until then, one day at a time. Thanks everyone x

I’m in the same situation OP, except I’m a single parent and I work full time.

My kids unfortunately don’t get much school work done at home. Maybe an hour each in the evening when I finish?

I refuse to stress about it, I don’t have the option to give up work so I need to just do what we can.

I really think you should give the job a proper go. Lockdown will not be forever. It will get easier and you never know where it will lead to.

Starting a new job is stressful and so, so draining. Is it just me who finds the first days and weeks seem to last an eternity?

Add on top the pandemic situation and the fact you haven’t worked for 8 years.... Of course it’s feeling tough right now.

But I agree with everyone else that unless you really can’t cope, it would be a mistake not to at least give it a few months. The job interests you and the employer sounds decent - I would really prize those things and use them to motivate myself to give it a good shot.

I remember starting a new job when I was a lot younger, and after being so excited to get it (and leave behind something I hated) the first week was just dreadful. Too much stuff thrown at me, no training as such, the horrible fish out of water feeling, my whole routine turned upside down... I remember my dad saying that nobody really gets into a job until a year in. A lot of the stress I’d been placing on myself melted away with that and I started to enjoy it. Try to remember that you have a supportive employer who knows your work history and hired you - they believe in you, but they aren’t expecting you to be able to do everything tomorrow.

@minipie

You need to put pressure on your husband to take on at least half of any domestic stuff (home schooling, lunch, laundry etc) that has to be done on your working days.

Seriously. Getting an interesting part time job after 8 years out of work is the holy bloody Grail and you don’t let that go!!

If your employer who’s only just hired you is willing to be flexible, then so should his be. They are his kids just as much as yours.

He says he’s right behind you, well he needs to put his money (or rather his time) where his mouth is and take on domestic stuff so you can make a go of it.

Absolutely this. I have a part-time job which is very interesting, plays on my skills, allows me to develop them further and is reasonably well paid. It would take A LOT for me to give that up, especially after 4 days.

You are on a huge learning curve.... it just couldn't be worse time for you to start. But don't give up. If you can do this you can do anything ! Give it at least 6 months, if you got the job you can do it. Sit down at the weekend and get a clear plan of how you are going to manage the week and get your DH to seriously help out. Freeze meals, get plenty of snacks for kids, get a timetable for housework. Set aside some of the school work for a week or two if necessary it won't make any big difference, contact the school and let them know your circumstances. You can do it !!

Please don't quit. It takes a while to settle in. I do accounts and am very experienced, but my new job since December, even I'm really finding it hard work atm.

Give yourself time to adjust, 3 weeks in and you'll be feeling a lot calmer, 8 years out means it's a big change, plus homeschooling, it's a lot, try and be kind to yourself.

It's only day 4, don't quit that early otherwise you will kick yourself later. If your employer is understand as you say then stick with it at least for a few months. Jobs like that are rare and PT, from home with an understanding employer is gold dust. It also means you are less reliant on your DH and have some work place skills when you want to go back FT.

@IamBitzyVonMuffling I started a new job in September, absolutely hated it from day 1. Have never felt so low. I love work usually and I know it’s mainly Covid. This has changed my job and like you, I feel one step behind where I should be and as a control freak feel useless at my job. But...the good news is last week I made my peace and am starting to feel normal again. Don’t estimate how hard all this change is. Starting a job and home school and quarantine and no hubby around.

Omg. Cut yourself slack and if this isn’t the right time for this job, Pack It In . Life is too short to be so down. Another job will come up.x

Don't leave op it is so hard to find any part time jobs, let alone interesting ones...just surviving on DHs salary is a dangerous place to be.What if he lost his job? You need savings.

You cannot juggle everything, so mentally put down the home schooling for the days you work, its only a few weeks and they will hopefully be back at school.
They will survive a few weeks of tv afternoons and you can work to catch up any schoolwork on weekends, later when things are more normal.
Jobs are like gold dust don't let it slip away.

I can’t believe people are saying to stop supporting your children! Even remotely lessons should be followed if possible. Why should your kids fall behind? Covid is going to be around for a while, not just a couple of weeks. How long do people think they can be dumped in front of the Tv. The fact is you are on your own trying to do the impossible. Have confidence you will get another job when the time is right.x

Hi op it might settle down. Its a huge change going back work. It might look better on cv if you had a few months. I had a few shitty temping things but just stuck one a bit longer. Good luck

I have a rule I don’t make my mind up about any job for three months.

There are great jobs I would have left without this rule, just because it was hard to settle in.

It was always going to be hard to go back after such a long break. Cut corners at home wherever you can, give yourself a break, but keep going to work.

It sounds like that initial starting a new job scenario where you doubt yourself and believe you're in over your head.

If you haven't worked for 8 years, this sounds like a great opportunity to get a foot back in the door, so to speak.
My friend also started a new job in between the last 2 lockdowns and has just decided to give up as she felt like you. Luckily they said they'd keep the role open whilst she's homeschooling. And typically a few days later she's calmer and realised it was just that panic moment many of us are feeling with the pandemic, homeschooling etc.

If say rather than fretting, get a plan in place. Even if that plan is that your husband helps with homeschooling one day at the weekend and a large bulk of the learning that need ls more support happens then. And then you organise work, homeschooling and household chores around the time you have left.

Good luck.

Have confidence you will get another job when the time is right

That's rubbish advice.

yabu! Just take it one day at a time. If you hate it 6 months from now, leave then. The easy option is rarely the best option

@IamBitzyVonMuffling a few weeks ago I took on a new job and I spent weeks lying awake worrying about it. That it was tooo hard or that I’d fail. That it was too stressful and too much for my family to put up with. After about 8 weeks I’m loving it! I’ve found my stride and feel much more positive. I’m sure there will be bad days ahead but overall it now seems so much more doable.

My advice is give it 3 months at least. We tend to regret the things he we don’t go more than those that we do. You can quit any time but you can never get it back once you do.

I’ve now got more money, better job satisfaction and the fretting and losing sleep has stopped. You’ll get there I’m sure and if you don’t, then quitting is always a backup.