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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for not buying my mother more shoes?

84 replies

BlueFlyAway · 27/01/2021 13:32

I live at home with my mother. I help with bills and chores and online groceries. I just can't afford my own rent. Unless if I move into the city but I will have to give up my job and look for work in the city. Definitely as soon as all the covid dies down, it's on my list to do but currently it's too risky to uproot and change jobs and move.

A clothing catalogue comes in the mail to me, I think it's seasonal, every three months and one came yesterday in the mail. My mother wanted to have a look at the catalogue and that wasn't a problem with me.

Within 5 minutes she found some some boots that she liked the look of and it came with a discount code too. Basically she never even asked me but she told me she wanted this boots and could I get them for her. You see she doesn't know how to use the Internet or computers.

Things is these boots were ridiculous and came with a three 3 heel. My mother isn't nearly 70. I know age shouldnt be a factor in clothes. It's been about 15 years since she last had a social life. I don't understand what she has planned to wear these boots to? She doesn't go out anywhere and that was before covid times too. She certainly isn't going to wear them going for walks on a rural, rocky road. I really don't understand where she intends to wear them too.

Another thing is, I bought her boots back in October and she loved them so much she wanted me to go in for a second pair. Not only that but she also got me to buy shoes for her in November. That's to all to a shoe and boot collection that is already substantial.

WIBU to make excuses to get out from buying her more boots?

OP posts:
SushiSoozie · 28/01/2021 10:42

But you cant afford to order without the money because your pay has been cut/risk going overdrawn/can't afford delete as appropriate.Then grimly defend your position no matter how much manipulation you are put under.I would be absolutely appalled at myself if I treated my DC like this

So you think OP should lie to her mother about her pay, insist she cant afford a couple of quid for shipping, even though she can as she's living rent free with her mother and only "helps out" on bills and food, then grimly defend her lies do the death knowing that she is lying and cheating to her mother who is still looking after her as a grown woman with a job.

And you think the mother is the one in the wrong here?

Just....well. Hmm. People can have very strange ways of looking at the world, is all I can say. Very, very strange.

VinylDetective · 28/01/2021 10:57

@Comtesse

It is ridiculous for someone who is 70 to wear 3 inch heel boots. Sorry and all, but why should OP collude in buying something silly that no one needs??
I see the MN ageism is alive and well on this thread. Anything else out of bounds if you’re 70?
Comtesse · 28/01/2021 10:59

If we all buy things we don’t need and never even wear then the planet will be on its knees even faster. Do you think the people who made those boots @Cocomarine work reasonable hours in safe factories and were well paid? Personally I’m not convinced. Yes I’m sure we all buy random crap we don’t need sometimes but why should OP get such a hard time here for not buying something unnecessary that may well never be worn? Don’t we all need to think about what we buy a bit more?

tigger001 · 28/01/2021 11:01

Even if she gets joy from looking at them, if she wants them, she/you can buy them.
I love shoes and i hope at 70 im still buying 3" heels.

Small pleasures!!

SushiSoozie · 28/01/2021 11:01

Don’t we all need to think about what we buy a bit more?

Maybe. What we don't need is people informing us we are not allowed to have things because we are over a certain age. And we don't need leeching grown up children preventing us from making purchases we want by lying to us.

Comtesse · 28/01/2021 11:01

70 year olds can wear 3 inch heels as much as they like - but do you know many that do @VinylDetective?? Maybe Jerry Hall but other than that hmmmm?

Porcupineintherough · 28/01/2021 11:04

If you think we all should think about how/what we consume @Comtesse then why did you so clearly link the issue of the boots to the mum's age?

Clevererthanyou · 28/01/2021 11:10

@averylongtimeago Your MIL sounds like she was a lively character Smile Flowers

Cocomarine · 28/01/2021 11:11

Well said @SushiSoozie

@Comtesse I actually agree that we should be conscious in our consumption. But it’s not relevant to thus thread question and it sure as hell isn’t relevant to the OP’s age!

I just received a pre-owned (hell, I’m happy with the term second hand, or worn) jumper from a website that re-sells. It’s very nice, and no production environmental cost or under paid labour involved second time round. If the OP’s mum was ordering from the company I just used, would she still not be allowed to choose her own boots because of your rule for over 70s?

SushiSoozie · 28/01/2021 11:13

70 year olds can wear 3 inch heels as much as they like - but do you know many that do @VinylDetective?? Maybe Jerry Hall but other than that hmmmm?

You said it was ridiculous, the very idea. I'm not 70 yet but I'l be wearing 3inch boots when I am, as long as I am able to. And yes, I do know some that do.
Why shouldn't they?

Pumpkinpied · 28/01/2021 11:14

You need to leave and pay your own way in life then you might realise how little your DM is asking of you.
If you can’t afford to pay in the gap between ordering and delivery then where is your money going if you work and aren’t paying rent? You are a grown woman bitching about someone financially when it’s you who is taking the piss.

VinylDetective · 28/01/2021 11:21

@Comtesse

70 year olds can wear 3 inch heels as much as they like - but do you know many that do *@VinylDetective*?? Maybe Jerry Hall but other than that hmmmm?
My 70th birthday isn’t far away. I wear three inch heels when they’re appropriate. It’s not even particularly high - unless some man has bamboozled you about how big three inches actually is.
Comtesse · 28/01/2021 11:25

Look fwiw here is my take:
(1) We should all stop buying plastic crap as much as possible
(2) if you actually wear the plastic crap that is one thing but if you buy it to keep it in the cupboard that’s really stupid. I have no beef with anyone of any age or sex wearing 3 inch heels but at 70 it seems unlikely these are going to be worn much, so really what is the point?
(3) why should OP be seen as a Bad Person for not getting involved in this?

SushiSoozie · 28/01/2021 11:34

Comtesse, your take was it was unreasonable because she is 70. Now you are backpedalling into a faux-eco argument. It's not your business if OP's mother wants to buy boots so she can wear them while naked on a sunbed, if she wants to.
OP is a Bad Person for not helping her mother with online shopping when OP is living rent free in her mothers house!

ZoeTurtle · 28/01/2021 11:41

When you have your own place and all the financial responsibility, you'll look back at this and cringe at how ungrateful and petty you were.

Tehmina23 · 28/01/2021 11:47

My mum is 71 & would give anything to wear heels again but she has bad arthritis plus small stress fractures in her feet which means she has to wear Hotter boots and shoes (she does choose the least frumpy options & they look quite good).

Dont police your mothers footwear.
Do explain how online shopping works.

bloodyhairy · 28/01/2021 11:51

You don't mention paying rent to her. So I think YABU for not wanting to treat your mother. She is saving you a fortune!

Comtesse · 28/01/2021 12:28

Sorry and all but it is ridiculous to buy things you don’t need and won’t wear. I think 70 year olds don’t really wear 3 inch heels. Therefore it is ridiculous in my view to buy these boots. YMMV Smile

VinylDetective · 28/01/2021 13:10

@Comtesse

Sorry and all but it is ridiculous to buy things you don’t need and won’t wear. I think 70 year olds don’t really wear 3 inch heels. Therefore it is ridiculous in my view to buy these boots. YMMV Smile
It’s been pointed out to you that 70 year olds wear what the hell they like and can do whatever they choose with their own money. Nobody has the right to dictate how someone else spends their money. Not even you.
SushiSoozie · 28/01/2021 13:21

Sorry and all but it is ridiculous to buy things you don’t need and won’t wear. I think 70 year olds don’t really wear 3 inch heels. Therefore it is ridiculous in my view to buy these boots. YMMV

They do, you've been told they do, and it's still none of your business, and not the point anyway. So, you're both wrong and pointless at the same time.

2021optimist · 28/01/2021 13:39

Ask her to pay you at the point of your ordering them?

iklboo · 28/01/2021 13:45

Comtesse probably thinks 70 year olds are doddery old women with purple rinse hair & wearing macs with surgical inserts in their sensible shoes. MIL is 76, very active & wears heels.

averylongtimeago · 28/01/2021 16:23

The OP says she pays towards bills and shopping- not that she pays nothing into the household budget, so I think it is unfair to accuse her of sponging off her DM.

However, I don't get the policing of what shoes/boots DM buys- so what if they have heels! Are women over 65 only allowed sensible footwear from Hotter??? There has been no suggestion of dementia or reduced capacity so DM can buy what she likes.
But OP: set her up her own accounts, much easier and fairer.

Oldraver · 28/01/2021 16:24

She wasn't able to understand that I need to wait til payday to be able to order

Well of course she does. You also have to tell her that you can't bankroll her, ask for her debit card

Though are you paying rent ? Maybe she thinks it's payback

PickAChew · 28/01/2021 16:33

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