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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not buying my mother more shoes?

84 replies

BlueFlyAway · 27/01/2021 13:32

I live at home with my mother. I help with bills and chores and online groceries. I just can't afford my own rent. Unless if I move into the city but I will have to give up my job and look for work in the city. Definitely as soon as all the covid dies down, it's on my list to do but currently it's too risky to uproot and change jobs and move.

A clothing catalogue comes in the mail to me, I think it's seasonal, every three months and one came yesterday in the mail. My mother wanted to have a look at the catalogue and that wasn't a problem with me.

Within 5 minutes she found some some boots that she liked the look of and it came with a discount code too. Basically she never even asked me but she told me she wanted this boots and could I get them for her. You see she doesn't know how to use the Internet or computers.

Things is these boots were ridiculous and came with a three 3 heel. My mother isn't nearly 70. I know age shouldnt be a factor in clothes. It's been about 15 years since she last had a social life. I don't understand what she has planned to wear these boots to? She doesn't go out anywhere and that was before covid times too. She certainly isn't going to wear them going for walks on a rural, rocky road. I really don't understand where she intends to wear them too.

Another thing is, I bought her boots back in October and she loved them so much she wanted me to go in for a second pair. Not only that but she also got me to buy shoes for her in November. That's to all to a shoe and boot collection that is already substantial.

WIBU to make excuses to get out from buying her more boots?

OP posts:
Hotzenplotz · 27/01/2021 16:27

@Pinkmoon33

So you are living rent free at home but won't buy your mother shoes? Shoes that she will eventually pay you back for? Hmm
Yes, how delightful.
hellejuice91 · 27/01/2021 16:40

If your Mum likes them, she can afford them and she is paying for them, I think you should buy them for her.

BonnieDundee · 27/01/2021 16:51

That's easy. You tell her how much it all costs including shipping, and once she gives you the money you will order them. But you cant afford to order without the money because your pay has been cut/risk going overdrawn/can't afford delete as appropriate

Then grimly defend your position no matter how much manipulation you are put under.

I would be absolutely appalled at myself if I treated my DC like this

herewegoagainst · 27/01/2021 16:56

I checked OP and I'm pretty sure they're out of stock in her size. Happens a lot with mail order catalogs. Smile

PrincessOfAllOurTarts · 27/01/2021 17:27

@herewegoagainst

I checked OP and I'm pretty sure they're out of stock in her size. Happens a lot with mail order catalogs. Smile

Do you tell people in your own family what they can and can't buy? Confused

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/01/2021 17:53

Unless you just don’t have the cash spare, you are being kind of nasty to your DM. She lets you live in her home rent free and is asking you, basically, to lend her some money for 10 days to spend on something you think is frivolous. So what if it’s frivolous? She isn’t a child, your role isn’t to teach her the value of money. Buy her the damn boots and thank her for giving you home.

The only thing unreasonable in this situation is your DM not using computers, which even at 70 really should be something she’s got to grips with by now.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 27/01/2021 18:05

She is doing you a massive favour by letting you live there rent free, you help with chores, that you help create the need for, food, that you eat, and bills that are higher because you're there, but you don't want to help her get some shoes she wants?

What if she refused to let you live in her home rent free because she doesn't agree with your spending habits?

LadyPoison · 27/01/2021 18:12

@BlueFlyAway

I usually do help her but I can't see what she's planning to do with 3 inch heeled boots any time soon.
Does it matter? It's her choice not yours.

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

frogswimming · 27/01/2021 18:19

I would ask for the money including postage up front. It's not up to you why she wants them, that's irrelevant. All the is relevant is that she pays you and you're not out of pocket till they're delivered or for postage. If she won't pay you in advance, don't order them. Say you don't have enough money. You're over complicating what should be straightforward!

Annie2930 · 27/01/2021 18:22

If she wants them and pays for them what’s the issue? They might seems silly to you but if she can afford them why not?

VinylDetective · 27/01/2021 18:26

I would be absolutely appalled at myself if I treated my DC like this

Yep, putting a rent free roof over her head - what a bitch, eh?

Geordieoldgirl · 27/01/2021 18:43

Point out to your mum the total cost including postage, and explain you need the money as soon as (or before) placing the order. Otherwise you can't get them because you'd go overdrawn.

Perhaps your mum has decided she has been without a social life for long enough, and (after Covid is under control) she wants to be out and about and wearing some boot she feels a bit glam in?

cakewench · 27/01/2021 18:51

Why not use her bank card instead of yours for the purchase?

If you can't do that, remind her the total is x (including shipping) before you order and when they arrive. If she still doesn't pay it, well, maybe just accept that you aren't paying rent and presumably the 3-5 pounds isn't going to break you.

As for "what is she going to do with them" honestly I sometimes have a social life and I still lie to myself when I purchase shoes. If it isn't one of many bad money habits, I wouldn't worry about it, personally.

Hotzenplotz · 27/01/2021 19:09

@BonnieDundee

That's easy. You tell her how much it all costs including shipping, and once she gives you the money you will order them. But you cant afford to order without the money because your pay has been cut/risk going overdrawn/can't afford delete as appropriate

Then grimly defend your position no matter how much manipulation you are put under.

I would be absolutely appalled at myself if I treated my DC like this

Whereas I would be appalled if I lived rent free in my mother's house and refused to buy her something she was paying me back for.
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 27/01/2021 19:28

Just use her card to make the order.

averylongtimeago · 27/01/2021 19:46

I have an elderly relative who doesn't "do" the internet.
I set up an Amazon account and a Morrison's home delivery with a separate email address and using her bank card details. Then when she wants something, she just clicks "buy now" (on her account using my laptop) and the money goes from her account.

As for the shoes- my late MiL loved shoes. She would cram her feet into the most unsuitable footwear- then sit in her wheelchair admiring them while we pushed her where she wanted to go. About a year before she died she had a big clear out and got rid of 20-30 pairs. When she passed away, we donated over 100 pairs to the Sally Army. Those shoes gave her a lot of pleasure- she could afford it, even if I thought she was daft!

Seeingadistance · 27/01/2021 20:00

Maybe she hopes that if she annoys you enough, you’ll leave.

She’s booting you out!

partyatthepalace · 28/01/2021 08:07

Is she expecting you to pay?? Just tell her they are out of stock. If she’s paying let her do want she wants.

I’d make some plans to move. All sounds a bit suffocating...

Hwory · 28/01/2021 08:16

No offence I know you say you 'help' with bills but you're profiting from your mother's home - does it really kill you to pay the shipping fee for the boots?

All this talk of heels and not having anywhere to go sounds v immature.

gamerchick · 28/01/2021 08:27

All these people having a go at the OP. Do you think the OP should get into debt to buy these boots considering she's said she's skint? How exactly is she supposed to buy them? Hmm

Porcupineintherough · 28/01/2021 08:39

Think of the effort and shipping costs as rent OP and buy your mum her boots.

Cocomarine · 28/01/2021 08:47
  1. Have you even told your mum that there is a shipping cost?
  2. Have you even told your mum that you get charged immediately? (a lot of catalogues were around in the 80s with local reps who would take your order, deliver, and weekly repayments would only start then)

Those are two very easy things to clear up.

Butterymuffin · 28/01/2021 09:04

Use her card for the payment. Tell her there isn't enough money in your account so the order won't go through if you try to use that.

Comtesse · 28/01/2021 09:24

It is ridiculous for someone who is 70 to wear 3 inch heel boots. Sorry and all, but why should OP collude in buying something silly that no one needs??

Cocomarine · 28/01/2021 10:37

@Comtesse

It is ridiculous for someone who is 70 to wear 3 inch heel boots. Sorry and all, but why should OP collude in buying something silly that no one needs??
@Comtesse you’ve only ever bought clothes that you need then? Please do explain why a 70yo can’t wear whatever damn footwear she pleases?

It isn’t even clear that OP’s mum doesn’t pay, as OP says she does “eventually” but then says she pays when they arrive 🤷🏻‍♀️ And OP hasn’t said whether she’s ever told her mum there’s a shipping cost (not unreasonable to assume it’s free delivery, if the person ordering has never told you otherwise) or that she’s charged immediately.

OP is a grown arse woman still housed by her mum, so sorting out some online orders is the least she can do - and the money side of it sounds like her own lack of communication.