To think it’s concerning not to have any empathy

[Builditupp]

Dd has admitted she feels no empathy towards others. She just says she reacts in the socially acceptable way but doesn’t really care about people.

She’s 19 by the way

That is concerning, yes. What brought it up in conversation? Have you ever noticed this or are you just going by what she's said? Would she say she cares about anyone at all, any just doesn't empathise with people she doesn't feel close to? Does she care about animals at all? It may be that she does feel empathy but doesn't recognise it. I wouldn't jump to any negative conclusions but it's something you and she should discuss further, probably with some sort of psychologist.

I would be concerned and consider getting her to a psychiatrist.

No she brought it up we were watching a very sad documentary. She wasn’t affected by this at all and then admitted she has no empathy. She will ask for example if someone is crying if they are okay but she doesn’t actually care.

It can be an autistic trait (but not all autistic people lack empathy!)

What was the context of this revelation?

Is there anything else that concerns you about her behaviour/personality?

At 19 her brain is still developing. Teens can be quite selfish, doesn’t mean they are totally devoid of empathy.

Not necessarily.
I'm not a psychopath/sociopath but I don't really get affected by other people's feelings (it sort of irritates me sometimes, tbh).
It doesn't mean I don't understand what they're feeling but I'm not inclined to feel it too.
I think some people are just emotional to the point where other people's emotions affect them and some people aren't.
It's also the sort of edgy thing that a 19 year old would say.

To understand better, is her feelings Similar to Sheldon cooper style of caring ?

I remember seeing the twin towers fall when I was 16 and feeling nothing apart from "woah!" and getting on with my day.
When I got to 20 I woke up out of my teen selfishness and felt empathy in buckets for everything.

I was like that at 19. Performative empathy because it was expected. In reality I couldn’t cope with the gamut of emotions from years of depression and bullying and loneliness so I shut them all down. Pregnancy in my 30s changed that and I suddenly found myself crying at cartoons and all sorts. It doesn’t mean she has a problem, it means she doesn’t feel the need to share those feelings right now, which is entirely age appropriate.

I think that it's probably perfectly normal at that age for some. I didn't really have empathy for people who I was not close to until I had my own child. Wouldn't feel bad for people in a documentary certainly - yes, I knew logically that it was sad but really, it didn't emotionally affect me.

I was the same age as your daughter when Diana died I was horrified by all the emotional excess and it made me very uncomfortable.

I don't think it's actually a lack of empathy, just a much higher degree of the reserve of emotional energy. I don't really get cross, I don't hold on to grudges, other people's emotional outbursts are swiftly forgiven etc... it's all far too much hard work.

I agree with the possibility that she is on the Autistic spectrum. Perhaps worth consulting a specialist. It's obviously something she has noticed is different about herself to have bought it up.

I know someone like this. Female 29. They admit they feel nothing empathy for no one. They are verbally, emotionally and have been physically abusive to their parents and close relatives. They also lie and steal regularly from shops. When asked do they feel any remorse for their behaviour, no, not in anyway.

Seen several therapists, no one can get through to them. Diagnosed bpd, but working on the assumption that it is npd.

They are truly horrible to be around.

It’s not great, but it’s a normal place on the distribution of human reactions. Some people feel great empathy and others don’t.

Teenagers are naturally selfish. I wouldn't have felt sadness watching a documentary at all at that age. It would be different if You, her mother, were struggling though. Would she feel for you?

I'm similar to some pps except that I have never really grown out of it. I act as I 'should' with kindness and concern but I rarely feel emotionally moved by things that most others do. When my kids are ill I do and say the right things but I mostly feel irritated that it's going to impact my day / work etc. Provided she can 'fake it' acceptably, I don't see this as a reason for therapy. Emotional detachment so long as it's coupled with appropriate social response where needed is perfectly reasonable.

I should have said Op, I would get this looked into now. At least get them talking to you and if necessary someone else.

The person I know was like this as a child. I've known them from age 9. I raised my concerns then, and it was ignored. Their behaviour escalated to now being daily abuse.

Dh is similar.He only gets emotional feelings about those very close to him.He wouldn't feel sad for a friend of a friend or someone on telly for example.

I wouldn’t be too concerned as OP have said, it can mean a number of things such as an autistic trait.

I am very similar and always have been since I was around 2/3 years old. Although I can understand people being very upset, I don’t hold a lot of empathy, which I guess is what your daughter means by reacting in a socially acceptable way. Has she always been like this?

To be honest I think it’s a lot more normal than people think. We generally think of people more favorably if they show empathy for others and ourselves and we subconsciously know that. So I think people show empathy more outwardly than they actually feel, for example I know myself if there’s a sad story on the news I’ll make all the right commiserations and sounds but I’m rarely shook up about it a few hours later. The fact that she’s brought it up and is reflecting on it shows empathy in itself. Perhaps you feel things very strongly, she looks at your reaction, looks at herself and thinks that she doesn’t have any.

It could be her age or Autism but whatever the cause, it's great she has recognised it so she can figure out how to deal with it.
It can be an advantage in some areas though, to be able to assess a situation at work without letting emotions get in the way. I'm an emotional wreck at times since kids but my partner is able to detach himself more from others feelings and think about a problem logically and keep us on the right path. For example when my child with Asd struggles at school and I get meetings with teachers etc. I get quite stressed and emotional about it so I take my partner along so he can assess the situation more logically. If it were left to me, I'd deregister him to avoid the emotional pressure of the situation. But my partner can break it all down for me and see it as a situation being discussed as opposed to personal attacks on our child's effort etc.

It’s a normal defence mechanism, anyway. If we always truly felt the misery of others, we’d die of it.

I also think it is more normal than people think, especially for teenagers. My empathy has come and gone at different points in my life. I had to learn the appropriate reaction in a lot of situations. I sometimes find it hard to empathise if I haven’t experienced something myself. Other times I over empathise and am too worried about other people’s feelings. At some points in my life I could watch sad documentaries, or books, or films and not feel sad myself, at other times I would be in floods of tears.

I think it may be age and experience related.

I think a lot of people lack empathy. Most people are sympathetic but empathy is a lot more difficult I wouldn't be worried unless he lacks both.

My DH has no empathy (as 'officially' identified by various HR type testing over the years, and anecdotally recognised by himself). He

He is a great husband, very loving father, contentious son and very considerate of other people's feelings in general.

Empathy is only one of the many drivers for our behaviour. You don't have to be able to empathise with someone to know what the right thing to do is, and to want to do the right thing. A lack of empathy does not automatically make you a psychopath.