To think it’s concerning not to have any empathy

[Builditupp]

Dd has admitted she feels no empathy towards others. She just says she reacts in the socially acceptable way but doesn’t really care about people.

Hmmmm I'm a bit like this - I went to a funeral recently of a long term family friend who I truly adored. But I just couldn't cry at the actual funeral. I had to look at his widow and family crying to try and provoke some tears otherwise I thought I'd look weird for not crying myself. But I know how much he meant to me deep down... odd.

compassion is more important than empathy. you don' t have to feel someone's emotion, but you do need to ACT to help them when they are in trouble.

I struggled with empathy for many years. I knew when things were 'supposed' to be sad, like films/books etc, and I knew to make sure people were okay in certain situations, but I didn't actually feel anything at all.

Turns out I was depressed, and had been for long that I hadn't noticed it - because it developed from childhood so I didn't really know that I was supposed to feel another way!

Since starting to address my depression, my emotional responses have started to change, and I now do actually feel empathy, whereas I wouldn't have before.

This might not be the case with your DD, but something worth considering just in case.

Took me to 37 and the birth of dc1 to feel what I think is empathy. I still find outbursts of emotion hugely uncomfortable. In the past 2 years I've lost my dad and both grandmothers but don't know how to grieve them.

In my case I have a diagnosis of ptsd and my psychiatrist thinks possibly an attachment disorder due to my "interesting" childhood.

Lack of empathy an autistic trait?

It depends on how she relates to people really. If she's fundamentally a decent human being who doesn't wish to harm others, a lack of empathy won't do much damage. Some people feel it, some don't but still know how to behave so it isn't an issue.

I didn't have much empathy for people at OP's DD's age either (although bucketloads for animals) but it did develop in time. The biggest motivator for change was having DS, I suddenly developed more understanding how other people felt and how fragile they actually were. The idea of people harming children and babies became horrific, whereas before it had been a less emotive "Oh that's dreadful" response. I did think it was dreadful, but afterwards I felt it too, if that makes sense.

But before that, I didn't want to hurt others, so I didn't. I just didn't feel much for distant strangers.

Honestly, I wouldn't be bothered about this. She understands her lack of empathy and is capable of faking it (to the point that even you as her mother hasn't noticed in 19 years so that's some achievement). She's clearly capable of still managing to show concern even if she doesn't care deep down.

She shows more emotional maturity than a lot of adults on here to be honest. Just have a look through threads and you'll find about 50 posters very quickly who dont feel empathy either and can't understand a different perspective. She can understand it and knows when to show it, so what if she doesn't care?

@Enb76

I think that it's probably perfectly normal at that age for some. I didn't really have empathy for people who I was not close to until I had my own child. Wouldn't feel bad for people in a documentary certainly - yes, I knew logically that it was sad but really, it didn't emotionally affect me.

I was the same age as your daughter when Diana died I was horrified by all the emotional excess and it made me very uncomfortable.

I don't think it's actually a lack of empathy, just a much higher degree of the reserve of emotional energy. I don't really get cross, I don't hold on to grudges, other people's emotional outbursts are swiftly forgiven etc... it's all far too much hard work.

You were right to feel horrified by some of the inappropriate Diana anguish. I felt the same, even while I was sorrowful at her death. It seemed so excessive.

I didn't really feel empathy until I had kids. Now im so emotional I cant watch certain things and can be really affected by others emotions. Shes still young and she acts in the socially acceptable way so she obviously understands to an extent even if she doesn't feel it.

I wouldn't just accept her statement that she has no empathy. She could be saying that for a number of reasons - unless she has been clinically diagnosed with zero empathy it doesn't mean much. Lots of people go through the motions of appearing to care about things that don't really have much of an emotional effect on them - supporting a friend who has lost a loved one for example. For a lot of people that would be doing the right thing as opposed to reacting to genuine heart-tugging empathy for the person that had died. And right now we've all reached the limits of altruism in lockdown - we're sacrificing ourselves as much as we possibly can for others, there's no more we can do. I for one am now completely desensitised to crying NHS nurses or plaintive stares from incubated Covid patients on government funded adverts. I've just run out of empathy. However I don't have a personality disorder and I am an empathetic person. I wince when someone else hurts themselves. I feel what others feel. I'm just out of emotional generosity right now. Maybe your daughter feels the same.

She could be an enneagram 5 person?

I don’t think I ever feel empathy. I feel sympathy for people sometimes, but not empathy. I also somewhat “fake” a lot of my responses. But as someone said upthread, there are many factors to someone’s personality and a lack of empathy isn’t necessarily a major issue. It probably makes my life easier! I don’t feel a lot of the stresses of things being wrong in the world that others seem to.

A lot of the time I pay lip service to empathy but I really don’t care. I don’t think I’m unusual. I just don’t have the time or energy for other people and their dramas.

IF she really doesn't feel anything, wouldn't it have been apparent to you before now? She may be well enough familiar with the cues and norms of society /now/ to mimic/copy, but if she really has no empathy there would have been a significant period of her childhood where she hadn't yet learnt "the rules" and would have come off very obviously as deficient in empathy.
But it sounds like you haven't noticed anything, ever -- and that even now you needed her to point it out to you rather than it being something you actually noticed?

I think the fact she's understanding it, and altering her behaviour means that she does have empathy.
It means she is understanding that it would be inappropriate to pretend not to mind something her friends/you do.
So she is empathising with other people there.

It also depends on what she's talking about. If she's talking about not being upset because eg a celebratory has died, then that's a bit different from not being upset when someone close to her has died.

She has always come across as having no empathy. She used to laugh if people were upset or hurt. I did take her to CAMHS as a child maybe nine or ten.

She has always come across as having no empathy. She used to laugh if people were upset or hurt. I did take her to CAMHS as a child maybe nine or ten.

...and what happened then? Massive drip feed!

She was assessed for autism apparently didn’t met the criteria which I’m not convinced by if I’m honest.

My ASD son used to laugh if his brothers hurt themselves at that age too. Mind you I don’t think it’s uncommon for people to be unable to empathise if they haven’t experienced something similar themselves. Especially teens, young adults.

I used to be quite hard faced until I had DC and turned into a snivelling wreck at the slightest hint of sadness on TV, in the news, from then on.

My DS didn’t meet the criteria for ASD until he was 17. Initially assessed at 11.

It's not great, I think it must really limit your experience of life and relationships if you don't have it. That said I don't know how easy it is to change and I guess she won't miss what she's never had emotionally.

She’s had boyfriend what concerns me to be honest is how she will be when she has children.

Yes, I think it’s her age. I was very selfish at that age but when I had my son that all changed.

I also remember everyone in the office I worked in (aged 18) crying about the twin towers and me wondering what the big fuss was!

Are you worried she’s some kind of sociopath? Can you imagine her hurting an animal for instance or is it just lack of empathy?

I think many people confuse sympathy and empathy, believing them to be the same thing. Most of us feel sympathy. I think very few feel empathy.

OP
In the space of a handful of posts you've gone from not knowing that your adult daughter experienced the world any differently from you until she revealed something to you when you were watching TV together indicating that there hasn't been anything markedly different, much less untoward about her behaviour before now to saying you've had concerns about her for a decade and are worried she might harm her future children?!