To think that slapping a man across the face

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For non stop screaming/ provoking / physically hitting me lightly , is bang out of order .
On a past occasion, he lost his rag over a minor issue . He started shouting, throwing things, pointing his finger in my face ,tapping me across my head, pushing and generally being abusive.
I lost it and slapped him hard across the face . He was shocked and stopped. I still feel disgusted with myself. Does that make me as bad as he is.
There is a history of this type of scenario back then. I felt that he wanted me to hit him. That probably sounds strange but it was like a challenge to see what I would tolerate. I still feel like shit a couple of years on.
He is now well in the past but I still feel disgusted with myself . AIBU.

You were driven beyond what you could bear. I can't blame you, you were frightened and defending yourself.

It sounds like you were protecting yourself
Glad he’s in your past

Don't think another thing about it. You did nothing wrong. You do need to get away from this abusive man though

I mean I'm glad you got away from the abusive man!

I think it is an understandable reaction to being physically and mentally attacked: Fight, flight or freeze. Your body chose “fight”.

I hope you are safe now.

If anyone, man or woman was talking my head, pushing and pointing while screaming in my face I’d punch them.

Self defence is nothing like abuse. If you don’t want to get hurt, don’t hurt someone first.

Don’t give it a second thought.

Sounds like self-defence to me. What is ‘tapping you across your head’? Assaulting you? Making you afraid? That’s abuse. Why shouldn’t you slap him?

Mmm. If the sexes were reversed I'm not sure the comments would be quite so supportive.

tapping!!! Not talking 🙄

The relationship wasn't worth it. It doesn't matter who is worse, it didn't work. For what it is worth I think there are people who want to provoke their partner to hit them, men and women, I don't know if that helps. Just be glad it is in the past. Are you dwelling on it at the moment due to lockdown boredom? I've found myself doing that about things so try to keep busy and focus on something positive (hard at the moment I know.)

You were protecting yourself! I hit my abusive ex once after he’d done a number of things to me and looking back I think he wanted me to so that he could say I was just as bad as him but I’d never ever have done it if I wasn’t trying to protect and defend myself. He used it over me for ages to make me scared that he’d tell everyone I was the abusive one.

You were driven beyond what you could bear. I can't blame you, you were frightened and defending yourself
So how many women who report their partner for assault should be told they deserved it because they provoked the man?

Nowhere does OP said she was scared, just provoked. His behaviour and OP were unacceptable and blameful.

So tired of reading the pure sexism on this forum.

I had an ex who would do similar - goad me beyond all that I could tolerate, especially the finger jabbing I remember actually used to be so painful. Little prods, little pushes, nudges, flicking me.. It was actual torture. He did all this so he could say he 'never hit me'

What he wanted was to goad me to the point I would lash out so then I would be the one in the wrong and everything he had done in the lead up to our was negated. He be would do this for HOURS, for example from 11 at night till 5 in the morning on one memorable night when he came home from the pub. I'd from room to room to get away and he'd follow doing this. I feel such thinking about it now! Thankfully this is a long time ago now.

Please don't feel bad about it OP, it's not your fault.

@ConspiracyOfOne

Mmm. If the sexes were reversed I'm not sure the comments would be quite so supportive.

A man hitting a woman's head is liable to have serious consequences. A woman slapping a man, less so. While all physical violence is reprehensible, there is a genuine asymmetry because men are typically stronger, women have weaker bones etc.

Here's a pair of questions op.
Do you think you're remotely likely to slap anyone ever again?
Do you think he's likely to replicate his behaviour with another woman?

Reacting isn't the same as instigating.

I'd be disgusted with myself if I didn't retaliate in those circumstances. Although there's always the risk he was goading you to hit him so he could justify hitting you back twice as hard so it was also a risky move. I don't have any idea why you feel bad about it though? He was abusive scum, he deserved much worse! Well done for getting away.

I am away from
It now but it was so out of character of
Me. It pops into my head now and again. The relationship was toxic and controlling . I was very scared of him. He changed like the flick of a switch when I did not do what he wanted and then he was loving and kind when I did. It was like a red mist would descend and the look of disdain and hatred was scary. He was a charmer especially to the police but the police did privately give me their card to call if I ever felt scared again. ( I called them to report that he would not leave my home after a bad episode of mental abuse) I am processing it all years later. I still feel shit for my part . I'm not sure if some posters believe that if this were a man posting , they would get different responses ? I cannot see any difference . I know it was wrong but I was wrong too.

I personally think if someone is hitting uou it’s ok to hit back. It is not ok to raise your hand and hit first.

@ErrolTheDragon I could never imagine doing that to anyone ever again. I didn't know who I was that night . He was utterly shocked and recoiled .
I believe he will go on or has gone on to control and be abusive to a woman who will not succumb but he will reel them in as he is a charmer and maybe he : will has meet : met a woman who doesn't stand up to him and his attempts to control her but I don't
Know what he is doing now .

I know it was wrong but I was wrong too.

Self-defence isn’t wrong.

From what you've put OP it's self defence all the way.

If the roles were reversed, then the same rules are in place it's just less likely that a male who is likely to have significant height/weight advantage is going to suffer the same fear as the woman in the same situation.

But for arguments sake, if the woman being abusive to the male were ladies like Holly Holm or Nia Jax, then it would put a different slant on it.

So how many women who report their partner for assault should be told they deserved it because they provoked the man

Did you miss the part about her being physically assaulted?

If a woman was shoving a man, tapping his head, screaming in his face and pointing and got a slap in return I’d have absolutely no sympathy. This wasn’t just provocation, he physically assaulted her repeatedly until she lashed out in defence!

Your answer to my questions make it clear, OP.
He's an abuser, very probably a serial abuser.
You're not. You were his victim, and this one time you did something out of character, like a mouse standing up to a cat.

You still feel bad precisely because you're not naturally a violent person. It seems time to move on, forgive yourself.

While all physical violence is reprehensible, there is a genuine asymmetry because men are typically stronger, women have weaker bones etc
What a lot of crap. Some women are bigger than some men.

Violence is violence. It took some time for authorities to accept it and act accordingly. Only MN consider that an act of violence against a man is systematically self defence and justifies, just like bullies justified their act too.

Good on you OP for recognising it for what it was, but it's time to move on.

Self defence is not abuse op

Scared bullies do not seem to change much from school, sometimes self defence is justified and works.

Dniece (9) was getting harassed (sexual elements) and physically bullied by a boy in her class last year. The boy had autism, was from a very rough local family who didn’t care and the school (aside from a few ineffectual pandering attempts) seemed to just be telling dn to ‘be nice’ and keep her head down. I know my sister was shocked as she assumed something like this would not be able to happen at school, she was considering pulling her out and homeschooling.

Bil had had enough and explicitly told dn what to do (where to punch and kick), got her to practice and made it clear that she would not get in trouble. In fact that he would reward her with a much longed for trip and spending money. He told her the next time the bully even slightly started to do it immediately.

He never touched her again and was moved to a different class after that term. School attempted to punish dn but it was not upheld at home.

Bit of a long and rambling anecdote but just trying to make a point. I doubt very much you are the type of person who goes around slapping anyone who disagrees with you. When necessary, self-defence does NOT make you ‘as bad as them’.