To think that slapping a man across the face

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For non stop screaming/ provoking / physically hitting me lightly , is bang out of order .
On a past occasion, he lost his rag over a minor issue . He started shouting, throwing things, pointing his finger in my face ,tapping me across my head, pushing and generally being abusive.
I lost it and slapped him hard across the face . He was shocked and stopped. I still feel disgusted with myself. Does that make me as bad as he is.
There is a history of this type of scenario back then. I felt that he wanted me to hit him. That probably sounds strange but it was like a challenge to see what I would tolerate. I still feel like shit a couple of years on.
He is now well in the past but I still feel disgusted with myself . AIBU.

But yes, we are socialised to think of a man hitting a woman as much worse than a woman hitting a man.

It's not even just socialisation.

We know sort of instinctively that most en could kill a woman, should they choose to ..
While most women could not kill a man if they chose to (as I said above without the element of surprise and using a weapon).

Male violence has dominated the world since rune immemorial and continues to .. We don't need socialisation to view it differently from the extremely limited female violence that exists.

There is no doubt in my mind that this was self defence.

Hope you are safe and well now OP

You were pushed until you snapped. That's never a nice feeling whether you simply yelled at someone or slapped them. Underneath it all, we're animals with survival instincts and you felt threatened by his behaviour. The relationship was clearly toxic and harmful - were all capable of things that are not 'us' under those circumstances.

Thanks for all the comments and posts . I feel better . Sometimes the whole incident plays on my mind and wondered if that's who I really am .

Sounds like self defence to me

I don't agree it's sexist to justify OP's actions; male abusers always knows they have the physical 'upper hand' (and yes I do recognise that men can be abused by women). IMO, this type of behavior is intended to escalate the situation to a point where violence occurs / and or part of a gaslighting strategy designed to provoke the women into violence, so that the abuser can say 'Look at the state of you - you are mental'. I imagine it happens in many types of abusive relationships.

If you walked up a stranger in the street and slapped them across the face, that’s common assault, but from your description it sounds like self defence, forget about it and get on your life

If he put his hands on you first, then you slapping him was self defence.

However once a relationship has got to this stage it is doing nobody any good and you both need to get out of it.

Reactive Abuse, you are not to blame.

From what you have said he was assaulting you, therefore it’s self defence

It's never good to hit someone, unless sit's really self-defence, but these kinds of scenarios do tend to escalate.

I had a friend whose wife slapped him once. He felt it was justified, he said he was kind of overwhelming her with words and being a bully - she was having trouble expressing herself and so lashed out. They went on to have a long successful marriage.

But that was a real aberration, early marriage adjustment phase, they were in the main both very balanced and caring.

But there isn't much point dwelling anyway. Make sure it doesn't happen again, stay out of relationships that escalate in that way, apologise if you think you ought to.

You were acting in self defence to stop a physical assault so I think you’ve nothing to feel guilty about.

For future reference, if you ever find yourself in such a situation again, I’d try not to slap as some men will be enraged by it and escalate and you could get badly hurt. I’ve found the line ‘what would your mother think of you right now?’ can stop an attack (provided he has a high regard for his mother).

Or get out of there if you can and phone the police!

I don't condone violence either way but I do think there's a big difference in most cases. It's women that get killed all the time in domestic abuse cases, that get raped, that get followed down the streets or killed for not responding correctly to a man's advances. It sits in the back of our heads and we're aware of the damage they can cause. Men don't walk around society fearing women the way we fear men, partly because we are rarely the perpetrators in comparison and partly because most of them could swat us away if we even tried
So because it happens more often to women than men, it's ok for women to respond to any provocation with violence just because women are more often victims?

Of all women who claim to have been subject to some abuse, are they asked if they ever got touched physically after providing the man? Of course not.

It's very possible that some will have been slapped after they shouted, screamed, blocked the way to the guy trying to get out of the room, hding him by the arm. Is it ok in that case for the guy to shove her out of the way in 'self-defense'.

Slapping someone is physicalnassault and recognised as such by the police, regardless of the sex and whether there was provocation or not.