To think that slapping a man across the face

[chromedout]

For non stop screaming/ provoking / physically hitting me lightly , is bang out of order .
On a past occasion, he lost his rag over a minor issue . He started shouting, throwing things, pointing his finger in my face ,tapping me across my head, pushing and generally being abusive.
I lost it and slapped him hard across the face . He was shocked and stopped. I still feel disgusted with myself. Does that make me as bad as he is.
There is a history of this type of scenario back then. I felt that he wanted me to hit him. That probably sounds strange but it was like a challenge to see what I would tolerate. I still feel like shit a couple of years on.
He is now well in the past but I still feel disgusted with myself . AIBU.

I'm not sure. He was completely out of line but not sure it's reasonable to hit back. Think it's a good thing the two of you aren't together anymore

It was self defence. It was obviously a very toxic situation and the only thing that actually matters here is that you got out of it before it escalated more and he really hurt you. Don’t feel guilty for protecting yourself and getting out.

For poster above, if roles were reversed my advice would be exactly the same. I’ve had a male friend flee domestic violence from a woman, and my response would be the same to him.

Self defence if you genuinely feared for your safety. I’m not sure that’s the case but I wasn’t there

This thread will mirror loads like it. Some will applaud you, some will point out the double standards in those responses, some will justify it as “men are bigger”, that will get challenged.

It’ll end up with 2 polarised views. Either it’s fine and you were in the right (and men are too big to be actually abused), or you’re totally wrong, an abuser and he should leave.

So he taunted and physically touched you in a way you didn't like until you hit him back?

He got what he wanted, you acted outwith your normal manner.

Be glad you binned him! He is an abuser.

Now concentrate on acepting that. You reaction was not only normal but self protective. Don't feel bad for that!

@dontdisturbmenow did you read the OP? He was physical... just because he didn't pinch or punch doesn't mean he wasn't physically abusive in his actions. It just means he was a practised twat!

@ConspiracyOfOne

Mmm. If the sexes were reversed I'm not sure the comments would be quite so supportive.

[Hmm]

Anybody should be forgiven for reacting to "shouting, throwing things, pointing his finger in my face ,tapping me across my head, pushing and generally being abusive" with a slap or a shove if that's what it takes to get away. 'tapping' across the head is physical. Pushing is physical. If someone is in your face, blocking you, screaming at you, shoving you, hitting you in the head no matter how 'lightly' (you have no way of knowing how much harder the next one will be) is it ok to slap them? Fucking hell yes. You do what you need to do to get away.

@dontdisturbmenow I don't condone violence either way but I do think there's a big difference in most cases. It's women that get killed all the time in domestic abuse cases, that get raped, that get followed down the streets or killed for not responding correctly to a man's advances. It sits in the back of our heads and we're aware of the damage they can cause. Men don't walk around society fearing women the way we fear men, partly because we are rarely the perpetrators in comparison and partly because most of them could swat us away if we even tried.

It's not a like for like.

@ConspiracyOfOne

Mmm. If the sexes were reversed I'm not sure the comments would be quite so supportive.

That seems to be used as a gotcha! here a lot.

Daft as anyone with an ounce of common sense would say it's the same for anyone... abuse is abuse!

But yes, we are socialised to think of a man hitting a woman as much worse than a woman hitting a man. Part of me agrees, men can usually, as a class hit harder than women!

What a lot of crap. Some women are bigger than some men.

Which is why I said 'typically'. Obviously.
And it's clear this case was self defence after abuse including physical.
Occasionally the situation might be reversed - if it was my response would be similar re who is the abuser and who is the victim. The fact that on MN the cases discussed tend to be much more one way than the other is a reflection both of the demographics of the site (more women, unusually for Internet forums) and the demographics of violent abuse (more male perpetrators, their victims being of both sexes).

I am physically much bigger than my brother, I inherited Dads tall/broad frame and he got mums much shorter/petite one. I also weightlift six times a week and am quite muscular (he does not and is very slim despite trying to ‘bulk up’).

He could still completely wrestle and overpower me (don’t ask, it wasn’t violent but involved Xmas, a lot of drink and a bet).

So I don’t think it is inaccurate to say that men are on the whole much more capable of causing physical damage (held up by the crime stats too). Different skeletal structure, muscle mass, muscle twitch, sized lungs and hearts etc. They are on the whole much stronger.

Of course it is self defence, with above held in mind, if a woman is being screamed at, pushed, poked in the head and backed in to a corner.

I also believe that in that exact situation a much rarer abused man would be able to physically escape easier (mentally not so much - would be just as downtrodden) but that if they are the victim of a violent attack that they could and should use reasonable force to get out of that situation.

The responses are very comforting in that I never viewed it as self defence before , I viewed it as being brought to the edge of my temper and instead of walking away ,I hit out which I believe he wanted me to do. Why??? I'll never know . I've never discussed it with anyone as I was afraid he would tell anyone that I slapped him and he fooled my family and friends for years.

Your post is weird.

You're trying to justify it to strangers, but you still think it was wrong?

,I hit out which I believe he wanted me to do. Why??? I'll never know

Yes, he may have wanted you to hit out, to put you in the wrong and mess with your head.

What a lot of crap. Some women are bigger than some men.

What a laughable comment.

On average men are larger than women, and more importantly even men smaller than women will have significantly greater upper body strength. Their capacity for damage (and for self defence) is much much higher.

The only way a woman would be a physical threat to a man is if she uses a weapon (and has the element of surprise too). Those are unusual circumstances.

DV injuries and murders bear this out every day of the week.

@Cuntitinthebin I dont understand why you think my post is weird . I don't think I am
Justifying it . I don't mean to. I am trying to make sense of it . I have not discussed this before with anyone.

While not ideal, it is completely understandable that you slapped him.

The most important issue is that someone gets out of the relay in which behaviour like that is occurring (both the verbal abuse, almost physical abuse, intimidation, harassment, baiting etc. and subsequent reactions) .. and that has happened. You're not in it anymore, and nob doubt would recognise it in another person/relationship and get out early.

I think physically escalating a situation like that (rather than leaving) is a bad idea if you're not prepared for the possibility that the other party will match your escalation.
It happens though and you were provoked. If it happens as you say, it's not indicative of your normal behaviour.

YABU to feel disgusted with yourself, you snapped, it's understandable

After years of black eyes, being punched while i had our babies in my arms, headbutted, kicked, made to feel suicidal I snapped. Worse than you. And I feel no shame.

He had punched me in the face while I had our baby in my arms, I was against the wall and fell to the floor with her in my arms, I got up went to go and put her on the couch,

I smoked when she was in bed and she should of been in bed at that time, his screaming and shouting woke her. So I had an ashtray on the side of the couch. I placed her down on the couch, picked up the metal ashtray and as I turned around he was right in my face, I didnt even think about what I was doing but I hit him right in the face with it, he started bleeding straight away and beat the absolute living daylights out of me for it but even now I'm glad I did it and I'm certainly not disgusted with myself

Why should you be?? If you get intimidated and pushed beyond a certain point your body goes into fight or flight, you went into fight mode out of sheer fear. Dont be disgusted in yourself for that

I'm just glad you're safe OP. That was my main concern when you said you hit back.

The law differentiates between the physical abuse and the rest. For me shouting and screaming can be worse than a level of physical attack that would justify slapping and even to some extent punching. Fuck the law, OP is morally justified.

In terms of his motivation, I know people - both male and female who get something out of pushing people to extreme anger & frustration (and anger that could potentially become physical).

Who knows what they get out of it. Maybe a feeling of power/impact. I have a sister whim I suspect is a vulnerable narcissist who has been doing it for years ... It's mostly at us family members so we don't get physical (though a different type of person could easily do so) but she simply cannot leave a conversation when she's drinking without needling, critiquing, baiting and accusing someone (usually get hypocriclly too) until she makes them angry and upset.

And I know others who.do similar. I have an American ex whose ex gf's father (a politician no less) used to needle, criticise and argue with her at dinner table for example until she started crying. I suppose it's a personality disorder or a sadistic streak or something.

I am away from it now but it was so out of character of Me.

He was goading you big time so you lashed out. Everyone has a breaking point and you reached it. That relationship is long over so I wouldn’t give it another thought.

So how many women who report their partner for assault should be told they deserved it because they provoked the man?

Having heard many interviews with domestic abuse, the provocation used to justify the man’s behaviour is just normal everyday stuff like ‘she cooked his chips wrong’ and escalates till she can do nothing right. It is not provocation as described by OP and a once off. OP has never done it before and is unlikely to do it again.

Sorry middle paragraph is a quote. Don’t think OP’s post is weird at all, certainly not by AIBU standards! Like others she is looking for others opinions and trying to get some closure.

Im not sure if your ex totally fits the above though : he reminds me of an ex of mine who did similar - ranting, berating, criticising etc. (though not physical intimation in his case) avdbge uses to get so carried away, so into his tantrum, enjoying himself that he simply kept going until you cracked and shouted back or put the phone down (if it was by phone obviously). I don't know if he would've run out of steam and stopped on his own if he's been let go on - it was so annoying and offensive that, after trying to defend myself and reason with him repeatedly during it, I cracked and didn't see if or when he'd self regulate and stop.

It sounds like your ex has that element to ; he's enjoying himself and won't stop until your reaction is extreme enough to give him pause.

@HiiiippppyDippyDop hope you and your daughter are free from violence now.

Why do people always pop up with NAMALT??? Errol clearly talked about men in general. And specifically in this case OP described the abuse and it does sound like self-defence. Don't feel guilty OP, you haven't turned into an abuser yourself if that's what you fear.