AIBU to think it’s inappropriate..

[RoseInaBook]

AIBU to be annoyed that my Bf sent his ex Gf a birthday present without saying anything about it, keeping it secret?

I’ve known him socially about 4 yrs, We’ve been together almost a year and are moving in together. They were together 7 yrs and broke up in 2016, she lives abroad, they have long phone calls fairly often too, maybe once or twice a week. They also still share Spotify and Netflix accounts.

It’s bothering me, am I over reacting?

So they don't have kids together?

In which case, no it's weird. We all want to leave relationships with people on a good note so to speak. But the fact is we move on with our lives and relationships. I think keeping someone that tightly a part of your life means there's a whole lot of unresolved 'stuff' there.

@joystir59

My wife passed away July 2020 and I chose one of the pieces of music because it was important to my wife and it became important to her in her previous relationship with her ex. Her ex and ex's current partner came to the funeral and I e maintained a close connection with them since, its fantastic!

That's beautiful - and sorry for your loss. But it's just a different scenario entirely.

Get rid. There are are 3 of you in the relationship.

@floopidy

No you are not overreacting, hes deffo trying to get his willy wetter

Eeewwww!

They're in a relationship.

Very dodgy.

For me I wouldn't like the birthday present but that's me.

No way should he be having long phone convos with her.

However, I also wouldn't be buying a property with someone I'd dated for almost a year, even if I had known them for 4 years.

Just a question - you must have known about their relationship if they'd dated 7 years and you've been his friend for 4 years? Any insights there?

OP does your DP talk to other friends/ family on the phone most days? Just wondering if it is unusual or normal for him to keep in touch with people? Does he speak to her in your presence?

I wouldn’t be so bothered about the gift, but I probably wouldn’t like the phone calls. I had a bf who kept in regular contact with one of his ex’s, I hated it, there wasn’t anything going on though. We broke up 17 years ago and still stay in touch. Last time I saw him he told me he was going to his ex’s wedding so they were still friends too. Sometimes people maintain relationships with ex’s because they value their friendship, not because they want them back romantically.

Apologies - haven't RTFT, but I am still friends with my happily married ex.

We sometimes have long phone chats - 30 mins or so - but only about once every six months, if that, and they are always work related as we work for the same company.

I think the difference in your case is the frequency - what on earth do they have to chat about for so long every week?

I would be suspicious and would hold off making any firmer commitments to him.

Do you run every birthday present you buy last him? I certainly dont with my dh so him not doing the same wouldnt worry me (unless I susoected an OW).

The long calls are weird. But you say you have known him socially before becoming involved , so maybe this is now just a social thing too.

Also agree with TomorrowIsAnotherDae - people do maintain friendships with exes without having any interest in them romantically any more - me and my ex are an example of that.

That dynamic is long gone for both of us (ten years since we split) but still get on really well as friends and he's a great work ally and sounding board. We get on much better now as friends than we ever did as a couple and I think that's a pretty common scenario - I know others who say the same about their exes and are on friendly terms with them.

Did she buy him a birthday/xmas present?

If no, I suspect he's still holding a torch for her, and she's playing along to be "nice" but isn't interested in revisiting anything with him.

If she did/does, then I'd suspect she's under the impression that they're "on a break" and if/when they are in the same country again they will pick up where they left off.

I think you are his backup plan in either scenario. I'm sorry, I've been there and it really sucks.

Long phone calls twice a week. Shared Spotify, Netflix etc. Take yourself out of the picture, and they are in a fairly standard long distance relationship.

The question is, what are you in all of this?