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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it’s inappropriate..

87 replies

RoseInaBook · 25/01/2021 20:50

AIBU to be annoyed that my Bf sent his ex Gf a birthday present without saying anything about it, keeping it secret?

I’ve known him socially about 4 yrs, We’ve been together almost a year and are moving in together. They were together 7 yrs and broke up in 2016, she lives abroad, they have long phone calls fairly often too, maybe once or twice a week. They also still share Spotify and Netflix accounts.

It’s bothering me, am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Ileflottante · 25/01/2021 22:43

It means @ProseInaBook that you started posting as @RoseInaBook and then used another one of your nicknames (sometimes it happens if you use a different device) and so you’re commenting on your thread under two names. Your later comments aren’t highlighted in green because of this so it’s harder for people to follow.

Many people change their name for a thread to protect their identity as people may know them or piece things together under their usual nickname.

LunaLula83 · 25/01/2021 22:46

Move on

GoldSlipper · 25/01/2021 22:49

Seems to me that his ex is not resigned to his history where she rightly ought to be. Clearly he’s not over her and you are deemed to be some sort of substitute / fall back. I would not tolerate this state of affairs. You deserve better.

SavoyCabbage · 25/01/2021 22:54

The birthday present is less weird than the shared Netflix and the long phone calls.

Impatientwino · 25/01/2021 22:56

Nope nope nope!

Sorry op Thanks

ProseInaBook · 27/01/2021 01:15

@fimimifi

YANBU. Long phone calls once or twice a week?? Have you spoken to him about this?
@fimimifi Yes I have spoken to him about it, He says he feels like he can talk to her, that he feels responsible for her in some ways ( she had an injury many yrs ago whilst they were together that he feels partly responsible for, she's fully recovered now) and like she can use his advice sometimes
Stompythedinosaur · 27/01/2021 01:22

Getting an ex a birthday present isn't an issue imo. The rest of it is highly weird. He sounds like they are still in a relationship on an emotional level tbh.

LagunaBubbles · 27/01/2021 01:33

This has dodgy written all over it.

DisneyMillie · 27/01/2021 01:35

The birthday present and shared accounts I can understand (I do both with my exh) but I don’t have long phone calls even once a month with him and we have a child to co-parent - it’s those that I’d be worried about.

I’m not sure I’ve ever met a guy who has long phone calls to any friend - sounds like they’re still attached - did they only break up because of location?

Wandavision · 27/01/2021 01:38

What was the injury? Did he accidently run over her in his car? 🙄 Failing that I cannot see why he'd need to feel guilty so far on?

ProseInaBook · 27/01/2021 01:47

@Wandavision

What was the injury? Did he accidently run over her in his car? 🙄 Failing that I cannot see why he'd need to feel guilty so far on?
@Wandavision They were performing together and she fell and dislocated her elbow... they were an acrobatic act

@DisneyMillie
Yes that's what's strange, it's like he still thinks of her as his partner in a way

After the accident they drifted apart and spent time in different places separately, then eventually broke up.. he said he wasn't happy, sounds like it was pretty amicable, but I wonder if there's regret there, he has also said sometimes he thinks their lives are in sync in some way..

Wandavision · 27/01/2021 02:05

Ah an acrobatic act! Well tbf that is well very umm different! Do they still both perform seperately? I'd hazard a guess it'd build a bond due to training time if nothing else, and potentially still taking a bit of an interest in each others performing career I guess? I'd imagine there's a lot of trust built up between two people during something like that. But then again there's also many acts that part ways and well presumably that's an end to it. If he physically dropped her and caused the injury I can imagine there would be a guilt factor yes. But she's recovered, life moves on, and shit does indeed happen. Potentially he needs to decide if there's two of you in his relationship, and not three? It's nice to be nice but there has to come a point when a past relationship (without children), doesn't over shadow your current one.

SheilaWilcox · 27/01/2021 02:10

Don't move in with him until at least the Ex is really an Ex and he is over her.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/01/2021 02:12

So she is abroad and he is here with you?

She left and you were his "better than no one" option. He is keeping the door open in the hope she comes back. If she does then you will be history.

Sorry.

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou · 27/01/2021 02:18

No, you're not overreacting but i'm more concerned about the regular phone calls to be honest. Do you call your ex a few times a week? Sounds like they still have feelings for each other. What on earth are they talking about? Did they split because she moved abroad? i would have a think about this relationship carefully if I were you, as it sounds as if you will get hurt.

waydownwego · 27/01/2021 02:24

@DisneyMillie

The birthday present and shared accounts I can understand (I do both with my exh) but I don’t have long phone calls even once a month with him and we have a child to co-parent - it’s those that I’d be worried about.

I’m not sure I’ve ever met a guy who has long phone calls to any friend - sounds like they’re still attached - did they only break up because of location?

This - I don't think the present is really the problem. It's everything else.
oakleaffy · 27/01/2021 02:28

@ProseInaBook

Thanks all, I’ve just started using this site, not sure how it all works! They broke up in 2016.. I think that’s quite a while to get over a relationship. She does know I exist, I’ve heard him mention me, but I do get the feeling somethings not right
Trust your ''Gut instincts'' please.

Our inner voice is so rarely {If ever} wrong.

1forAll74 · 27/01/2021 02:38

Your partner was with his ex for quite a long time, so I don't see anything wrong with keeping in touch with someone that you once had a long relationship with. and things have remained quite amicable since.
A present sent also,is not a big deal, and it wasn't a big deal to not tell you about the present either, as if he had done,he would probably have known,how you would react. ! You really can't be dictating to people what they can or can't do.

3rdNamechange · 27/01/2021 02:43

@ProseInaBook

What does that actually mean? *@CandyLeBonBon*
You name changed to write your post but you're replying as another of your user names. People change names if they don't want a particular linked to others sometimes
thosetalesofunexpected · 27/01/2021 02:59

@ProseInaBook

Trust your gut instincts on this one.

The issue I have is the long tel calls on a frequent basis.

Its easy to have a Netflix an spotfry, account together an forget to sort this out,once you split up.

My advice is he obviously still has strong feelings for her emotionally, his ex.

I has defo not got over,and will hence allways be in his life in the background.

Op
Its not worth the heart ache, the crap you will go through if you decide to move on.

Just walk away from this situation with your head held up high..

There is massive red flags all over this situation the sizes of communists China/Russia flags.

thosetalesofunexpected · 27/01/2021 03:12

@ProseInaBook

Oops typo mistakes

He definitely has not got over his ex,she will always be in the background haunting you by her very presence.

You will always feel like you are in a relantship with 3 people,(a mistress in the background

You will feel resentfil ,why can't he be happy with just me then, your self Cofindence will take such a battering from this.

You will end up with zero confidence in the end.

MsDogLady · 27/01/2021 03:18

Long talks once or twice a week is an over-frequent level of contact. He feels that he responsible for her, that she needs his advice, and that their lives are in sync. It sounds like a Rescuer/Damsel dynamic with a deeply intimate connection.

In your shoes I would walk away. He is not fully emotionally available to you.

shamalidacdak · 27/01/2021 04:06

You're not the GF. She is

wirldsgonemad · 27/01/2021 05:36

They are having a long distance relationship. Is he open about your relationship with him to his friends and family?

Borisjohnsonshairbrush · 27/01/2021 05:45

Sounds like they are in a long distance relationship and you are his bit on the side.