to think that nowadays it's usually the woman who proposes...

[Radziwill]

...and there should be more honesty about that fact?

On various message boards, I've noticed women saying that they want to get married but don't want to ask. They seem to think it's desperate or pathetic for a woman to propose.

But off the top of my head, I can think of at least three women I know who asked their partner to stage a proposal. They all posted news of their engagements on social media, portraying it as a romantic surprise, when in practical terms they had been the ones to propose. If you ask your partner for a proposal, you are asking him to marry you. Therefore, you are proposing to him!

I also suspect that when couples say that they "just decided" to get married, it's generally code for "she asked". Surely someone must have proposed! They can't have simultaneously said "Shall we get married?" or "Shall we book the venue?"

I hate the fact that even in the 2020s, female socialisation is still so bound up in passivity. Why is it considered domineering if a woman doesn't wait for a man to make decisions about their future? Lesbian couples would never get married if neither of them wanted to propose because they're both women!

There should be less pressure on women to act coy and pretend that all the big decisions were first suggested by the man.

I proposed to my Husband.

I never wanted to really get married - didn't see the point (we don't have children).

Then something happened in my life and I realised I didn't ever want to loose him and I just felt like I wanted to marry him.

So.... I asked his Mother for her blessing , got an engagement ring for him.... and on Boxing day 2015 we exchanged presents and then I asked him to close his eyes... got down on one knee with a ring in one hand and a pie in the other .

I didn't have an engagement ring - he did...... So he totally got the better end of the deal as he got a ring AND a pie!

@Radziwill

I don't agree with the poster who said I'm changing the definition of proposal. A proposal is just telling someone you want to marry them, surely? Someone posted earlier that she told her partner that she wanted to get engaged that year - how is that not a proposal?

Because discussing the possibility of marriage and where you both see the relationship going is not the same thing as one person effectively saying to the other "I'm decided, I wish to marry you. Are you decided too?" and making it "official".

Women may well ask questions to see where the man's feelings and thought processes are, but I really don't think they are usually the ones to outright say that they're decided and ask if the man is too.

However, if I'm wrong and women really are making the declarations even if they're not honest about it on Instagram (from your OP, I don't know why you "suspect" that "just decided" should mean "she asked"), then the issue of female passivity appears to be non-existent. If the women are actively popping the question, they're not waiting around being passive, so what's the issue?

@FluffyPersian

I proposed to my Husband.

I never wanted to really get married - didn't see the point (we don't have children).

Then something happened in my life and I realised I didn't ever want to loose him and I just felt like I wanted to marry him.

So.... I asked his Mother for her blessing , got an engagement ring for him.... and on Boxing day 2015 we exchanged presents and then I asked him to close his eyes... got down on one knee with a ring in one hand and a pie in the other .

I didn't have an engagement ring - he did...... So he totally got the better end of the deal as he got a ring AND a pie!

I love this!!! Please tell me he shared the pie!?!?!

If a couple say they decided to get married, I take that to mean that they didn't do a traditional proposal but had a discussion and the outcome was an engagement. I don't really give much thought to the minutae of the conversation to see who mentioned it first or how they phrased it or what. I don't have any reason to think he or she must have actively put the question forward at some point. I usually take that phrasing to mean that they consider it very mutual in that sense.

I love FluffyPersian's story, it really made me smile and I'm glad it's worked out so well. It wouldn't have been for us though.

@FluffyPersian

I proposed to my Husband.

I never wanted to really get married - didn't see the point (we don't have children).

Then something happened in my life and I realised I didn't ever want to loose him and I just felt like I wanted to marry him.

So.... I asked his Mother for her blessing , got an engagement ring for him.... and on Boxing day 2015 we exchanged presents and then I asked him to close his eyes... got down on one knee with a ring in one hand and a pie in the other .

I didn't have an engagement ring - he did...... So he totally got the better end of the deal as he got a ring AND a pie!

I also proposed on Boxing Day 2015.

A proposal is just telling someone you want to marry them, surely?

I guess I've been engaged for years without knowing it. I don't even know which one of us proposed. We just kind of talked about if we see us getting married and having kids. I guess I could start wearing a ring!

I would define it more of an agreement to get married than just discussing that if is something that both people want to do in the future.

I'm 31. I don't know anyone who is female who proposed. It was always the man.