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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that nowadays it's usually the woman who proposes...

107 replies

Radziwill · 25/01/2021 19:24

...and there should be more honesty about that fact?

On various message boards, I've noticed women saying that they want to get married but don't want to ask. They seem to think it's desperate or pathetic for a woman to propose.

But off the top of my head, I can think of at least three women I know who asked their partner to stage a proposal. They all posted news of their engagements on social media, portraying it as a romantic surprise, when in practical terms they had been the ones to propose. If you ask your partner for a proposal, you are asking him to marry you. Therefore, you are proposing to him!

I also suspect that when couples say that they "just decided" to get married, it's generally code for "she asked". Surely someone must have proposed! They can't have simultaneously said "Shall we get married?" or "Shall we book the venue?"

I hate the fact that even in the 2020s, female socialisation is still so bound up in passivity. Why is it considered domineering if a woman doesn't wait for a man to make decisions about their future? Lesbian couples would never get married if neither of them wanted to propose because they're both women!

There should be less pressure on women to act coy and pretend that all the big decisions were first suggested by the man.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 26/01/2021 09:31

Honestly, "deadline for proposal" sounds horrible. If you want to get married just "propose" yourself. If I were a man but with my brain😁 I would not look favourably at "Well, unless you propose by June, I am out". It's 21st century. No need for women to wait and demand and wait. Just do it. If he says no, you know where you stand🤷🏻

ZackaryQuack · 26/01/2021 09:39

I'm another 'we decided it was time' we'd been together a few years, went out for a birthday dinner with both sets of parents, our mums were discussing how our dad's proposed (who had the least romantic) as there had been a few engagements on both sides. One of our dad's asked us outright when we're getting married. We both said eventually, started making plans that night.

1stTimeMama · 26/01/2021 09:42

I know no women that proposed to their husbands. Every single one, including me, were proposed to and I was more than happy with that.

thepeopleversuswork · 26/01/2021 09:49

I mean just to prove my point just in the time this thread has been live another of these threads has popped up from some woman with an unreliable bloke fixating on when she's going to get a bloody engagement ring...

I find reading these threads a bit like banging my head against a brick wall repeatedly...

SchrodingersImmigrant · 26/01/2021 09:57

If I were a bloke, no way would I be proposing so I could afterwards be talked about on MN that it wasn't romantic enough, ring wasn't pretty enough, it wasn't grand gesture or it was "too spontaneous". Too much pressure for 30 seconds🙈

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 26/01/2021 10:07

To be fair, I think that poster sees the ring as the proof that he's serious and intends to get his shit together to marry her, because it's a public sign. I don't think she's concerned because she wants a stone the size of an ice rink. Also, that guy is still married, so all sorts of crap going on. If he were actively engaging with a solicitor, sorting out the divorce, being clear that he meant his proposal, in effect driving stuff along, she would probably not be so concerned. As it is, he's full of lame excuses and inaction so I think she's right to be concerned. The ring is just the symbol of the issue.

Much like proposals. It's easy to dismiss them as being a silly princess, but it's really about what they represent.

Ikora · 26/01/2021 10:08

I know one person who gave her DH a deadline to propose by, thats it.

Some of my friends haven’t married but have had dc. Three of them had far more asset wise than the men they had dc with. Two have broken up, their dc are all older teenagers now. The children stayed with them and financially it was the best decision for them. But I know that’s a less regular scenario.

Every other married woman I know has been proposed to.

Bangable · 26/01/2021 10:11

I don't know any women who proposed, they were all proposed to by their now DH's, including me, which suited me, I would never have proposed, not in a million years, it just wouldn't have crossed my mind!

thepeopleversuswork · 26/01/2021 10:15

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

To be fair, I think that poster sees the ring as the proof that he's serious and intends to get his shit together to marry her, because it's a public sign. I don't think she's concerned because she wants a stone the size of an ice rink. Also, that guy is still married, so all sorts of crap going on. If he were actively engaging with a solicitor, sorting out the divorce, being clear that he meant his proposal, in effect driving stuff along, she would probably not be so concerned. As it is, he's full of lame excuses and inaction so I think she's right to be concerned. The ring is just the symbol of the issue.

Much like proposals. It's easy to dismiss them as being a silly princess, but it's really about what they represent.

That's all true....

But the problem with all this ring stuff is that it just hands these blokes yet another excuse to change the bloody subject. So the woman in this case wants some sort of public acknowledgement that he's going to sort out his divorce and they're going to get married.

And suddenly the man has carte blanche to go: "look dear, I'll get you a nice shiny trinket to put on your finger... it has 24 carats and everything". And suddenly she's completely seduced and distracted by this pointless piece of metal.

It's a bit like watching a small child get so distracted playing with a toy that it doesn't notice a big step which its about to fall off. Not being able to see the wood for the trees etc.

Flippyferloppy · 26/01/2021 10:17

No proposal here, just several discussions about how we wanted to get married. Then, on a weekend break at a place we liked, we saw others enjoying a post-wedding meal and enquired whether a wedding would be possible. The rest, as they say, is history.
Call me boring, but I'd rather have a sensible discussion about the future than some staged performance

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 26/01/2021 11:04

And suddenly the man has carte blanche to go: "look dear, I'll get you a nice shiny trinket to put on your finger... it has 24 carats and everything". And suddenly she's completely seduced and distracted by this pointless piece of metal.

But in this case she isn't, because it hasn't materialised. So he's either too thick to realise he could fob her off by getting one (she's said it doesn't need to be expensive), or...she's correct in taking it as a sign that he's not really on board. She's saying in the thread that he tells her he wants to marry but he's not doing anything to make it happen, even symbolically.

I think the mistake there wouldn't be in getting worked up over a ring, because I don't think that's what's really worrying her. The mistake would be staying in the relationship if she's not happy to remain unmarried, because every indication is that he's not on board with marriage. He won't make a physical statement about it.

thepeopleversuswork · 26/01/2021 11:09

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

That's all fair I guess: she's starting to see through it.

I just can't help feeling a lot of the paraphernalia around weddings is used often quite deliberately to distract and confuse women and disguise the fact that they're being led a merry dance.

OhTheHeartBurn · 26/01/2021 11:15

I don't think it's usually the woman these days at all. I agree it happens more than it did in the past but I still, from my experience anyway, see much more of the traditional man asking woman with a ring proposals than anything else.

Although drawing evidence from your particular social circle doesn't really work because people will have different experiences with their own circle. For example, I don't know a single woman who's asked their partner themselves. Everyone I know who's married or engaged was asked in the traditional way.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 26/01/2021 11:16

@thepeopleversuswork

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

That's all fair I guess: she's starting to see through it.

I just can't help feeling a lot of the paraphernalia around weddings is used often quite deliberately to distract and confuse women and disguise the fact that they're being led a merry dance.

I actually think it's more to hide the fact that it's a legal commitment about finances and really not very romantic in nature Grin
thepeopleversuswork · 26/01/2021 12:02

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

I totally agree... and all the more reason for women to get their head out of their arses and educate themselves on what marriage actually is contractually and stop going down Disney rabbit holes about diamond rings.

Bumply · 26/01/2021 13:34

In the late 40s my Dad asked my Mum what she was thinking.
"I'm thinking I'd like you to propose to me" - so he did.
This prodding wasn't due to any lack of commitment on his side, more that he thought she was out of his league.

JovialNickname · 26/01/2021 22:07

I know it's unfashionable to say so, but I do think that if a man really wants a woman (and she doesn't just give him the cow for free by spawning loads of kids and moving in with him anyway) that he will propose and mean it, to secure the lady he has. If he really loves her, that is. If not yes sure you can manoeuvre your way into his life; however you'll always know (or should know) you weren't invited.

Kilcaple · 26/01/2021 22:17

@JovialNickname

I know it's unfashionable to say so, but I do think that if a man really wants a woman (and she doesn't just give him the cow for free by spawning loads of kids and moving in with him anyway) that he will propose and mean it, to secure the lady he has. If he really loves her, that is. If not yes sure you can manoeuvre your way into his life; however you'll always know (or should know) you weren't invited.
That’s not ‘unfashionable’, it just suggests a lot of internalised misogyny.
Taylrse · 26/01/2021 22:54

I don't know any women who have proposed but don't see a problem with it at all.

I do get frustrated when I hear people comment or post things online hinting to their DP that they want to get engaged.
You know, you can ask him if you want to get engaged so badly.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 26/01/2021 23:09

I don't know anyone who proposed to their husband, and it's not a generation thing.

There's nothing wrong with a woman proposing, who cares, but I can't see the problem with a man showing commitment!

Unlike MN, in real life big expensive weddings can be just as happy as the ridiculous "one chicken to feed the entire wedding party" nonsense you read on here.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 26/01/2021 23:11

Mind you, I don't know anyone who is as bitterly divorced as some MN posters. Many divorcees, but pretty much all of them in happy new relationships.

Guineapigbridge · 27/01/2021 01:38

With DH I told him I wasn't prepared to move in with him unless we were engaged. Two months later, engaged.

I know one couple where the woman proposed. They're happy, 10 years later. She admitted that she's such a control freak that she wanted the proposal to be really fantastic and all-out and she knew whatever he did would probably be a bit of a disappointment, so she did it herself. ha ha.

peak2021 · 27/01/2021 07:28

I doubt if it a majority but I would not be surprised if the number has increased in recent years.

Meredithgrey1 · 27/01/2021 07:42

Interestingly, I know three (straight) couples where they’ve discussed when they’ll get engaged, and in all three it’s the woman who is pushing to wait.
In one, they’re both 28, been together since they were 20, she won’t get engaged until she’s 30 while he’d happily marry her tomorrow.
Another couple previously rented together but he now lives away for work, once his contract ends their plan is to buy somewhere together and she’s said she won’t get engaged until they’ve lived together again. He plans to propose the first evening in their new house.
So in these cases even though it will be the man proposing, it’s definitely not a case of the women desperately wanting marriage but passively waiting for him to ask. They actively do not want a proposal and have told their partners this.

Original poster
Radziwill · 27/01/2021 13:29

I don't agree with the poster who said I'm changing the definition of proposal. A proposal is just telling someone you want to marry them, surely? Someone posted earlier that she told her partner that she wanted to get engaged that year - how is that not a proposal?

OP posts: