AIBU to find this a massive turn off?

[fdinthea]

So my husband and I have been married for 9 years, have a 11 month old DC and sex hasn’t really been on the agenda for quite some time which I’d like to do something about but he keeps turning me right off. He’s the perfect husband so many ways but after spending a lot more time together recently I’ve been becoming more and more sensitive to the way he speaks to me, to the baby, to the pets. He regularly baby talks and says to me things like “Mummy can you give the dog a rubby dub?” and I just shudder inside. He’d never be like this in front of other people and I’d always find him super sexy in social situations but now we’ve been starved of social contact for so long this behaviour is increasing and he’s talking like this in public. I’ve tried to lightheartedly bring him up on it in private but he feels attacked and emasculated and now I don’t know what to do! He’s absolutely lovely and gorgeous looking but I’m not finding him remotely sexually attractive atm.

Baby talk to the baby, yes, that's fine and quite nice IMO.

Baby talk to you, his wife, no, not fine and quite weird.

You firmly and clearly telling him that you don't like it when he speaks to you like that but you like it when he talks to the baby like that (if you do) shouldn't knock his confidence. You're entitled to not like something.

If a tiny thing like that puts you off, things can’t be very strong at all.

But is he talking to YOU like this or the baby/dog?

You’re within your rights to find it irritating of course but if my partner told me the way i speak was a turn off for them or annoying... I’d find that pretty hard to take.

It sounds like you have bigger issues and this annoying is seeping over from that. I don’t really see how telling him how to speak will do anything other than make him feel bad.

Annoyance*

I think it's funny, i'd just laugh. But if you hate it you could try looking confused every time he does it like you've no idea what he means and say 'do you mean could I towel down the dog?'

Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. What do you want him to do call you nasty names and throw you onto the bed? You should be grateful you have such a natural, kind and apparently good looking dad on your hands rather than some Thug.

That's a really tragic way to view the world: either a man acts like a baby and treats you as though you're his mother, or a man acts like a thug and treats you like a piece of meat? As an /absolute/ minimum I would urge you to strive for someone who acts like a grown adult and treats you like an equal. (It's a very low bar, by the way.)

Do you call him by his name? As a starting point, just tell him to call you by whatever he used to as you hate being called mummy. Being referred to as it is one thing “I’m changing your nappy now [baby’s name] then mummy will make your snack” but if DH called me mummy as a form of address I’d hate it.

Why didn’t you have sex while you were pregnant, was that your decision or his? Has he forgotten you’re his wife who he used to like shagging rather than a mum-to-be and now a mum?

That’s very off-putting, I’m not surprised you object.

@Regularsizedrudy

But is he talking to YOU like this or the baby/dog?

You’re within your rights to find it irritating of course but if my partner told me the way i speak was a turn off for them or annoying... I’d find that pretty hard to take.

It sounds like you have bigger issues and this annoying is seeping over from that. I don’t really see how telling him how to speak will do anything other than make him feel bad.

She clearly says, says to me things like “Mummy can you give the dog a rubby dub? in her opening post.

@Benjispruce2

If a tiny thing like that puts you off, things can’t be very strong at all.

It’s clearly not a tiny thing. OP wants her husband to treat her like a person not just a mummy to a dog and a baby. That’s about how she did husband see each other, it’s very significant to their marriage.

@HollowTalk I suppose I was imagining him sort of fussing the dog and saying it.. so it’s sort of more to the dog than her. I think that would be more normal than saying it when the dog is on the other side of the room for example

My exh used to call me mum all the time, very off putting and probably contributed a bit to him being exh

I’ve taken it that the husband is talking directly to his wife in a baby voice, rather than the child.

I think I read somewhere that a man’s testosterone lowers significantly after having a baby. However I think that this is temporary. Perhaps there is something in that.

To be honest I don’t think it’s really worth saying anything and knocking his confidence further. Maybe try the opposite and keep reminding him how sexy and manly you find him. This might encourage him to take on this role again. He sounds lovely to be honest and I think you are lucky

Odd for him to feel emasculated over baby talk

Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. What do you want him to do call you nasty names and throw you onto the bed?

Because he can only be one or the other - a simpering baby talker, or abusive? You need to take a breather from the BDSM channels, real adults are usually found somewhere between those extremes.

If DH spoke to me like that I’d throw up on him.

The fact that he refuses to do anything about it and hasn’t made an effort with his questionnaire isn’t great @fdinthea.

As an aside, I am very very glad you have a dog! 😬

Can you say to him that you are needing to detach from your maternal role to feel sexy? That you don't want to lose sight of your adult self so don't want anyone other than DC to call you mummy (boak)

I think the baby voice thing isnt as important as why you haven’t DTD for so long. It sounds like this is largely because of him? Is that why little things knock his confidence - because he blames himself and feels crap about himself?

If so, I’d try to ignore it but respond positively when he used your name or Darling or similar. Don’t say anything but give him positive feedback by your actions. Also, make a point of using his name - “David, can you pass me that book”, etc. That will subtly put things in ‘adult mode’ rather than baby/parent mode.

He sounds very insecure so I’d try to be careful how I framed things. You’re not wrong to feel as you do, but perhaps careful handling wil give better results. If he’s stressed then it could be he’s in a muddle in his head and not even doing it knowingly.

Tell him you dont like it and it is effecting how you view him. Also tell him he can tell you not to do something no matter how reasonable you may think it is and you will stop doing it too.
If you act fairly I am sure you can come up with a compromise.

when I keep telling him I don’t find a lot of his behaviour attractive it just chips away at morale

Christ if the roles were reversed and this was your DH saying this to you he'd be accused of being emotionally abusive and you'd be told to LTB

@ivfbeenbusy

when I keep telling him I don’t find a lot of his behaviour attractive it just chips away at morale

Christ if the roles were reversed and this was your DH saying this to you he'd be accused of being emotionally abusive and you'd be told to LTB

Or would it be full of posts saying 'if the roles were reversed, we'd all be asking why he wasn't listening to your views?'?

Urgh. Either bring it up directly and if he doesn't respond Find that sex and the city episode where Samantha meets the baby talk guy and casually put on the tv when he's around! The episode is called 'baby talk is cheap' I think!

I reckon it's because he now sees you as 'mother' not 'wife' or 'girlfriend'. Every time he does it you need to speak up, short sharp shock! Eg just say 'WEIRD!'

Yeah a lot of you have correctly assumed that it’s probably the symptom of a bigger issue. He’s also betrayed my trust and hurt me a few times over the years and I think I’ve got a lot of unresolved anger that I need to address in our therapy sessions.
As I said, he’s the best dad and a wonderful husband in so many ways which is why I want to overcome our problems but marriages can be so complicated can’t they

Tell Benjamin Button if he doesn’t quit with the baby talk, you’ll kick his botty wotty out the door! But I see you have bigger issues going on.....and if he’s betrayed your trust before, he isn’t a wonderful husband