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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find this a massive turn off?

89 replies

fdinthea · 25/01/2021 15:39

So my husband and I have been married for 9 years, have a 11 month old DC and sex hasn’t really been on the agenda for quite some time which I’d like to do something about but he keeps turning me right off. He’s the perfect husband so many ways but after spending a lot more time together recently I’ve been becoming more and more sensitive to the way he speaks to me, to the baby, to the pets. He regularly baby talks and says to me things like “Mummy can you give the dog a rubby dub?” and I just shudder inside. He’d never be like this in front of other people and I’d always find him super sexy in social situations but now we’ve been starved of social contact for so long this behaviour is increasing and he’s talking like this in public. I’ve tried to lightheartedly bring him up on it in private but he feels attacked and emasculated and now I don’t know what to do! He’s absolutely lovely and gorgeous looking but I’m not finding him remotely sexually attractive atm.

OP posts:
CruCru · 25/01/2021 16:34

Yep, I can't stand having someone talk to me in a baby voice ... I often pull one of my children up on it. I also can't stand being called "Mummy" by my husband - there's no way that someone I'm sleeping with should call me Mummy.

Is it possible to have a grown up conversation about it, at a time when he isn't using baby talk? If you snap at him whenever he does it, he may not think that it's as big a deal as it is.

BaronessBomburst · 25/01/2021 16:35

Marking my place and waiting for a photo of the OP's actual, real life dog..

Dailyhandtowelwash · 25/01/2021 16:36

Baby talk would basically give me the ick. I know couples who use it with each other (no children involved) and I cannot understand it, but each to their own I suppose.

If you're telling him, sensitively I'd imagine, that speaking like this to you is having the effect it is, he needs to choose to listen, rather than get upset. It's in his own interests to preserve his sex life I'd have thought.

Rosehip10 · 25/01/2021 16:39

Are you from a more middle class background than him?

ArabellaScott · 25/01/2021 16:39

@Rowenasemolina

This baby talk is instinctive and repetition and rhyming catches the attention of infants of your daughters age.

It sounds like he is being a natural parent.

I would just suggest you praise him for his paternal instincts and just ask him to limit it to talking to the baby

It's totally fine and cool to do it with the baby/pet. Not so much with your partner/wife.
Chocolatefrenzy · 25/01/2021 16:42

My DH started calling me ‘mummy’ in front of the kids, eg, mummy can you pass the salt or mummy I think DS needs a haircut etc. YUK. I had to explain I was not his mummy and to address me by my name!,

wildraisins · 25/01/2021 16:43

I have known people who do this and I also know it's a very difficult habit to break, especially once it becomes the normal way of talking to your partner.

If it's really bothering you then you have to keep bringing it up with him and ask him to change the habit, even if it knocks his confidence. Remind him that you're not saying that you don't like him any more - just this one behaviour.

I found it quite funny that you said he feels "emasculated" when you talk to him about it.. but doesn't feel that doing the baby talk in the first place emasculates him.... ?

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/01/2021 16:48

"I’ve tried to lightheartedly bring him up on it in private but he feels attacked and emasculated"
So instead, you've to feel desexed and dehumanised?

Stop being lighthearted. Tell him straight out that you find his calling you Mummy is changing the dynamic of your relationship. Is he putting you into the Madonna box, all chaste and inhuman? Ick.

MeadowHay · 25/01/2021 16:48

We do "mummy" and "daddy" to each other in front of DD. But we don't otherwise baby talk to each other and we obviously don't address each other like that when she's not there.

The main issue here is that you don't like it and he's not willing to change it. Which I think is really odd and concerning. I don't think it sounds like that big a deal, until HE made it one when he refused to stop doing it once you'd explained you don't like it. Odd behaviour.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 25/01/2021 16:50

I'm confused about what he means by that - is it a euphemism?! But yeah, totally vomit inducing. I would have to divorce him I'm afraid Grin

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/01/2021 16:51

And I'mreally not seeing how being told 'Stop calling me Mummy, I'm not your mother' is emasculating. Sounds to me that he just doesn't want to discuss his issues and is using that to stop you bringing it up and hurting his feelings. Diddums.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/01/2021 16:52

I found also find this really yuck.

I also don't see why he can't modify this? Presumably he wouldn't use overtly sexual language to you in front of friends or family? This is different, but essentially another instance of him being expected to shift gears in terms of tone. Any adult will understand that some ways of speaking are appropriate for some environments but not for others. I think he's being a bit pathetic pretending not to understand why its an issue.

LizFlowers · 25/01/2021 16:52

@katy1213

I am shuddering for you! He's emasculating himself if she speaks like this. I'd just tell him to fucking stop. Pretty please.
Me too.
TwoSwans · 25/01/2021 16:53

OP There's a really good Esther Perel TED talk on YouTube about this exact issue, and how it kills sex lives in relationships. She talks about how being framed as the "mummy" kills any sex drive because it's in our DNA to avoid any kind of incest (due to birth deflects) so any link in our mind about our mummy role in the same space as sex will kill our sex drive. Instead we need to separate our humdrum domestic selves (eg putting out the bins, changing nappies) from the talented engaging people we often are in social situations or at work.

So basically it's worth a watch, but perhaps you can drop in that you watched it and encourage DH to? Basically if he wants sex again he will need to change this behaviour!

Fuckityfucksake · 25/01/2021 16:56

Thank christ you do have an actual dog :) :)
I'd find it a turn off too.
I'd tell him straight that you've tried to address it in the past but this is now serious and he is making you cringe and actively not want to rekindle sexual relations with him EVER again if he continues.
Spell it out...
Dh, what's the exact opposite of horny and wet?
Yep, that's how you make me feel when you speak like a child to me.

Good luck OP

warmandtoasty2day · 25/01/2021 16:57

if dh called called me mummy it would feel incestous tbh.

GooodMythicalMorning · 25/01/2021 17:01

As long as its just to the baby I can't see a problem with the baby talk although I don't like him trying to indirectly tell you what to do.

CruCru · 25/01/2021 17:03

I also think it’s likely to bug you a lot more right now. The only people I see in person are my husband and children. I don’t want the one adult I see to also call me Mummy.

MaLarkinn · 25/01/2021 17:05

Cant say id be bothered by this

Original poster
fdinthea · 25/01/2021 17:10

I think the fact that we haven’t DTD since 11month old DC was conceived is a major issue and when I keep telling him I don’t find a lot of his behaviour attractive it just chips away at morale. But you’re all right, I need to be firmer with him. We started seeing a therapist because we’re struggling and she gave us questionnaires to fill out and return to her before booking another session in the new year and he still hasn’t started his. It seems like another example of him not wanting to make an effort to better our situation...

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 25/01/2021 17:13

But it's behaviour he can easily stop, ffs! It's not as though you're complaining about something he can't help.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/01/2021 17:15

I simply cannot understand why if you've told him you hate it why does he keep doing it? He is "hurt" but keeps doing it.
Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he talks to you and not the baby in baby talk you will never have sex with him again because it's a real turn off.
I hope to god its not a mummy fetish.
My ex husband decided to call me "mistress" everytime we had sex because he decided he's like to be a sub. I'm not a dom and found it repellent, we are divorced now because he refused to listen to me.

Ohthatoldchestnut · 25/01/2021 17:16

Cutesy baby talk is like nails down a chalkboard to me. Perhaps instead of being negative about what he's doing, encourage what you want him to do? Tell him what a treat/turn on it is to have an adult chat with him and be reminded you're a woman when you've been in mummy and baby-zone all day. And if that doesn't work, highly recommend sitting him in front of Esther Perel's talks.

BubblyBarbara · 25/01/2021 17:28

Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. What do you want him to do call you nasty names and throw you onto the bed? You should be grateful you have such a natural, kind and apparently good looking dad on your hands rather than some Thug.

Dailyhandtowelwash · 25/01/2021 17:32

@BubblyBarbara

Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. What do you want him to do call you nasty names and throw you onto the bed? You should be grateful you have such a natural, kind and apparently good looking dad on your hands rather than some Thug.
Eh? I think most people think there's a middle ground between nauseating baby talk and abuse.