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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

STBXH, new GF & Facebook

68 replies

LODReturn · 25/01/2021 10:07

In the middle of getting divorced. Trying to keep it as amicable as possible & both have moved on but living in same house until it is sold. Although we split in the early part of last year, due to covid we haven't seen lots of people to tell them and I am not one for living my life on social media.

STBXH has been staying over at his new GF's house a couple of times a week (he argues that he is allowed a bubble as he is a single parent - I disagree & am accused of being jealous. For reference, I only see my new partner in person on socially distanced dogs walks).

STBXH & GF have posted loved up photos of themselves together on Facebook. I'm not particularly bothered by this as I think she is welcome to him & he's not the prize he makes himself out to be (whole other thread). However I have some friends & family on Facebook who I haven't told about the divorce - I haven't seen them in person to tell them and they are not close enough to be a confidant.

I now have a number of messages from people asking what is going on, am I OK etc. STBXH is friends on FB with some of my friends & family (think mum friends, uni friends, cousins etc) including a very 'OMG, how are you, here for you hun if you need to talk' message from the school gate gossip.

AIBU to want to rip his head off & shove it up his arse? I'm not one for broadcasting my life over social media & am careful about who I tell what. I know people would find out about the divorce but wanted to tell people when I was ready & could manage the narrative. Instead I am quietly seething that he has put me in this position.

I want to ask him to either refrain from posting photos of him & GF on FB for the time being or to unfriend the people we have in common as friends who don't know. I know if I say anything he will think I am jealous (so far from the case & I was the one who pushed for the divorce - he was reluctant as it would affect his lifestyle because I am the high earner).

Probably more a rant than AIBU. DS had a text from a school friend who's Mum had seen it asking what was going on so it's not just me that it affects.

What's the best advice on dealing with this? Ignore whilst grinning & bearing it or call him out on his behaviour?

OP posts:

VivaDixie · 25/01/2021 10:12

This may be an unpopular opinion but I think as you have been separated for a year, you can't dictate what he puts on SM to suit your own narrative.

I am not suggesting you put out a big announcement on FB but just be honest when people ask.

ButtWormHole · 25/01/2021 10:12

I’m sorry but it’s been a year. You are being very unreasonable

AfterSchoolWorry · 25/01/2021 10:12

Ignore. You're not together any more.

You can just answer people with 'ah, no worries, we've been separated since September' (or whenever)

It wouldn't be reasonable to expect him to retain a facade is still being together.

WunWun · 25/01/2021 10:14

I don't get why people are asking if you're okay? Just because she's got pictures of his girlfriend up?

Pillowcase123 · 25/01/2021 10:15

I'm sorry but I think YABU here.

While the lockdown makes these things much more difficult, if you split up over a year ago, friends, family and acquaintances will find out. And that's a good thing right? You don't want to be attached to him any longer.

He has every right to post whatever he likes on social media (even if it does sound massively OTT!) and you requesting he take things down or not post does make it look like its painful for you or that you're trying to control the narrative.

What is the harm if your wider circle know you're separated?

Good luck!

TheBadElfParade · 25/01/2021 10:15

I think you are being unreasonable. It’s not his problem you haven’t told people about the divorce, and it’s not like it’s a few weeks later quite some time has passed.

He wants to move on and show off his new partner and is entitled to do so.

WunWun · 25/01/2021 10:16

Sorry, I missed you've not mentioned you've separated - you've only yourself to blame. He's hardly done anything wrong, why should he tiptoe around because you've left it a whole year to tell anyone.

Thisendsnow · 25/01/2021 10:19

To be honest is appears the horse has bolted. No point in him taking the pics down or not posting more as people have already seen them.
If he is able to stay with the girlfriend a few nights a week can't he move in with her?
Or at least, out of your house?

minou123 · 25/01/2021 10:19

I can see why you are annoyed.

But you are BU. Think about it this way, if he called you out on something you posted on social media, would you:

a) say "yes, i fully understand why you are upset and I will remove the post ASAP and stop posting on social media"

b) say "this is none of your business. We are no longer together and you don't get to control what I post on social media"

How would you react,?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 25/01/2021 10:20

By now, have you called/messaged the important people in your life about it?

Unlink him from your fb, either reply to folk as they ask like PP suggested or post a quick "just to let folk know, STBXH and I split last year. No need to message, we've both moved on." That's not living your life on SM, it's just giving an update to cut down the number of times you have folk messaging or worried that he's doing something inappropriate.

Annasgirl · 25/01/2021 10:21

I agree with all the other posters. It has been almost a year - and you have a boyfriend so you have both moved on. Honestly, if you were my ex I wouldn't even be civil to you, if you brought this up with me.

Feelingconfused2020 · 25/01/2021 10:21

Sorry OP but you should have told people by now. The lockdown means you can't tell them in person but it doesn't mean you can't tell them or ask people who do know to pass it on. Have you had no contact with these people for a year?

gannett · 25/01/2021 10:22

I know people would find out about the divorce but wanted to tell people when I was ready & could manage the narrative

If you want to control the narrative you can't leave it a year, pandemic or not. Speed is of the essence when it comes to narrative-controlling because the other party will probably want the same thing.

In a way, after a year there isn't much narrative to control. "We split a year ago and are in the process of getting divorced, I'm fine" - that's all anyone needs to know surely. The schoolgate gossip certainly doesn't deserve more information!

In the long term it's far better to try keeping things as amicable as possible than to blow up over this, no matter how annoying it is.

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2021 10:23

I agree with PPs in that you're BU because it's been a year.

Obviously this split is a massive thing in your life but it's really not in other people's. They'll have just been confused/a bit shocked to see him with a girlfriend, that's all.

On the plus side, the word's out now so you have nothing to worry about.

minou123 · 25/01/2021 10:23

including a very 'OMG, how are you, here for you hun if you need to talk' message from the school gate gossip.

As for the nosey buggers, I wouldn't reply.
If you feel you have to reply, a nonchalant 'im fine, thanks', normally stop the gossiping

StoneColdBitch · 25/01/2021 10:23

YABVVVU. You split about a year ago. He has quite reasonably moved on. He is entitled to post photos of him with his new partner. It's not like you split last week. I think asking for a grace period of a couple of weeks after a split in which to tell people IRL before it goes on Facebook sounds reasonable. But it's been a year. You sound incredibly unreasonable, and you have no right to be angry or ask him to change his behaviour. I'd respectfully suggest that the healthiest thing you can do in response to this is tell people that you've split from your STBXH, who you left almost a year ago!

Dopo · 25/01/2021 10:24

You should have told your family. Its been a year..a text is easy.

If they message just reply casually 'yeah I'm ok, we seperated a year ago. How are you?'

This doesn't need to be a drama.
Family are probably wondering why it's a secret.

FilthyforFirth · 25/01/2021 10:27

Yeah it has been a year YABU I'm afraid. It probably feels like you arent because you are still living together. I cannot imagine how that is working, especially since you have children.

I would forget about social media and focus on properly separating and getting your own houses.

laudete · 25/01/2021 10:27

You broke up a year ago. Even if he was the world's worst ex, he's not obliged to put his life on hold indefinitely. Either respond to your various acquaintance with a brief message or ignore them; you're not obliged to talk to any of them.

As for the FB friends you have in common, if you aren't willing to tell them then you can leave it to him to explain it to them. But, you must realise that anyone who is his friend or a mutual friend is going to hear the news from him sooner or later - even if you don't want to tell them. It's not reasonable to demand that he drops "his" friend circle; that's a choice for those people, not you.

Sorry things seem tough. I hope you feel better for venting on here. x

waxed · 25/01/2021 10:28

It's odd you haven't told members of your family/friends that you're separated. It's been a whole year. Surely a phone call is fine for this? I don't think I would tell everyone this news in person even outside of the pandemic - obviously close family, but not extended.

cricketmum84 · 25/01/2021 10:28

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup

By now, have you called/messaged the important people in your life about it?

Totally agree with this. I think it's a bit strange that you have been split a year and a lot of people don't know? Especially cousins etc.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2021 10:31

You’ve got a boyfriend yourself?! Why are you wanting to be violent towards your ex because he’s got a girlfriend and doesn’t see fit to hide it, just because you have too many people on Facebook who you don’t actually speak to?

What your ex does on his own social media is entirely his business.

How does your new boyfriend feel about you getting so exercised about your ex and his love life? You can keep repeating that you’re not jealous but it sounds like you’re protesting too much...

Someone who was happily separated and in a nice new relationship wouldn’t give a toss.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2021 10:32

And it’s a bit rich judging his girlfriend for dating him, you obviously thought he was worth marrying

Playnoh · 25/01/2021 10:33

You need to tell people you’re getting divorced. It’s weird that you haven’t. It’s been a year he’s allowed to post what he likes. Just be honest if people ask.

OrigamiOwl · 25/01/2021 10:33

Unfortunately you've left it too late to "control the narrative". Surely you'll both want to do that, but you've left it a year so that ship has sailed.

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