STBXH, new GF & Facebook

[LODReturn]

In the middle of getting divorced. Trying to keep it as amicable as possible & both have moved on but living in same house until it is sold. Although we split in the early part of last year, due to covid we haven't seen lots of people to tell them and I am not one for living my life on social media.

STBXH has been staying over at his new GF's house a couple of times a week (he argues that he is allowed a bubble as he is a single parent - I disagree & am accused of being jealous. For reference, I only see my new partner in person on socially distanced dogs walks).

STBXH & GF have posted loved up photos of themselves together on Facebook. I'm not particularly bothered by this as I think she is welcome to him & he's not the prize he makes himself out to be (whole other thread). However I have some friends & family on Facebook who I haven't told about the divorce - I haven't seen them in person to tell them and they are not close enough to be a confidant.

I now have a number of messages from people asking what is going on, am I OK etc. STBXH is friends on FB with some of my friends & family (think mum friends, uni friends, cousins etc) including a very 'OMG, how are you, here for you hun if you need to talk' message from the school gate gossip.

AIBU to want to rip his head off & shove it up his arse? I'm not one for broadcasting my life over social media & am careful about who I tell what. I know people would find out about the divorce but wanted to tell people when I was ready & could manage the narrative. Instead I am quietly seething that he has put me in this position.

I want to ask him to either refrain from posting photos of him & GF on FB for the time being or to unfriend the people we have in common as friends who don't know. I know if I say anything he will think I am jealous (so far from the case & I was the one who pushed for the divorce - he was reluctant as it would affect his lifestyle because I am the high earner).

Probably more a rant than AIBU. DS had a text from a school friend who's Mum had seen it asking what was going on so it's not just me that it affects.

What's the best advice on dealing with this? Ignore whilst grinning & bearing it or call him out on his behaviour?

Why do you think he’d “kick off” about you unfriending him on Facebook?

He sounds happy with his girlfriend so I doubt he’ll be too upset.

Just to be clear - we haven't hidden from close friends and family that we are divorcing, We have been very open about it including with DS. The text was from a friend who's parent I haven't seen for 2 years since boys were in year 6.

The messages I am getting are more the mum friends you have on facebook who are 'friends' but you don't really see unless you are at an event, school gate etc. & some cousins that I only see at family functions. If we were in normal times, I would have mentioned to one or two and let it spread from there.

I'm not a prolific user of FB so struggle to get my head around the oversharing that goes on.

Why does he still live with you?

How did you both get new partners within so many lockdowns? Anyways back to your thread, just tell them it's old news .

Ditch anyone off Facebook you don’t keep in touch with. If you use it so seldom ditch the whole thing.

Why is it over sharing to put up a photo of him and his girlfriend?

“just tell them it’s old news”

Yep. Oh that...they’ve been together a while, we split up ages ago. All fine. Old news. Anyway, how are things with you?

Etc.

I can see how this could needle you but you can't have it both ways. If you wanted to be in control of how this news was telegraphed you should have told people by now. You can't leave it a whole year during which both your DH and you have met other people and ask him to keep it under wraps indefinitely. It's not realistic to do this when there are other parties involved.

In some ways l can see where you’re coming from but why don’t people know? But if my soon to be exh tried to tell me what to post or not post then it wouldn’t go down well! I would see it as controlling. My exh flounced off Facebook when we split up so l was lucky to avoid this. It could have been interesting him putting his new girlfriend on there, as it was a friend of mine he cheated on me with

Also it sounds from your subsequent post as if the people who really need to know already know. This is more about acquaintances who you haven't told (school mum friends etc). It's really none of their business and they won't care about it in a couple of days anyway so I wouldn't expend any energy over this. It's certainly not reasonable to expect your DH to keep this under wraps in order to spare your blushes with some randoms at the school gate.

It's been a whole year. You've had plenty of time to control the narrative.
After a year he can post what he likes on facebook.

That said, I think the people contacting you with things like "OMG. Are you OK hun?" are rude. Anyone with any empathy whatsoever would realize that you might not want to talk about it, that's it's none of their business etc.
Can't stand people fishing for gossip like this. Anyone with half a brain can work out from such postings that the couple have split and one of them has a new partner. No more information needed!

Can I ask why you are still living together when you both have other partners? Is this not super confusing for your son?

I agree it is pretty early for the pair of you...

The way you feel is totally understandable, but I'm afraid you've got no say at all about what he puts on social media (unless he says something horrendous and untrue about you).

It must be frustrating not being able to tell some people at a time that is right for you but, if you want to 'control the narrative' as they say, just put up a simple message like, "x and I decided some time ago that it would be best for both of us if we divorced. Thank you to those who have sent kind messages. We are both fine and would prefer to not to discuss this further." then don't engage with anyone (unless you want to) who asks for more info.

Best advice? Get over it and confront your own issyes. If there are people you haven't told after a year they are hardly central your life. Do the divorce documents have 'control isdues' peppered through them?

As everyone says, a bit late trying to keep it quiet. Just be open about it.

he argues that he is allowed a bubble as he is a single parent
Surely while he's living with you he's part of the same household so unless you are also 'bubbling' with his girlfriend he shouldn't be. Probably not worth arguing about, he should just go stay with her.

Yabu. It's been a long time now, you've both moved on. I can't understand why you have issues with this being presented to people. Are you trying to hide the fact that you've separated?

shut down your social media - if you block him your friends etc won't see his stuff unless he is also friends etc.

I think if he stays over there must be plenty of room for him - pack his bags

When is he actually planning on moving out?
He should be gone by now.
I wouldn't be wanting someone in my house how had a new girlfriend and was regularly staying over with her and then coming back again. He needs to go and that's it.

@thepeopleversuswork

Also it sounds from your subsequent post as if the people who really need to know already know. This is more about acquaintances who you haven't told (school mum friends etc). It's really none of their business and they won't care about it in a couple of days anyway so I wouldn't expend any energy over this. It's certainly not reasonable to expect your DH to keep this under wraps in order to spare your blushes with some randoms at the school gate.

In a nutshell.