STBXH, new GF & Facebook

[LODReturn]

In the middle of getting divorced. Trying to keep it as amicable as possible & both have moved on but living in same house until it is sold. Although we split in the early part of last year, due to covid we haven't seen lots of people to tell them and I am not one for living my life on social media.

STBXH has been staying over at his new GF's house a couple of times a week (he argues that he is allowed a bubble as he is a single parent - I disagree & am accused of being jealous. For reference, I only see my new partner in person on socially distanced dogs walks).

STBXH & GF have posted loved up photos of themselves together on Facebook. I'm not particularly bothered by this as I think she is welcome to him & he's not the prize he makes himself out to be (whole other thread). However I have some friends & family on Facebook who I haven't told about the divorce - I haven't seen them in person to tell them and they are not close enough to be a confidant.

I now have a number of messages from people asking what is going on, am I OK etc. STBXH is friends on FB with some of my friends & family (think mum friends, uni friends, cousins etc) including a very 'OMG, how are you, here for you hun if you need to talk' message from the school gate gossip.

AIBU to want to rip his head off & shove it up his arse? I'm not one for broadcasting my life over social media & am careful about who I tell what. I know people would find out about the divorce but wanted to tell people when I was ready & could manage the narrative. Instead I am quietly seething that he has put me in this position.

I want to ask him to either refrain from posting photos of him & GF on FB for the time being or to unfriend the people we have in common as friends who don't know. I know if I say anything he will think I am jealous (so far from the case & I was the one who pushed for the divorce - he was reluctant as it would affect his lifestyle because I am the high earner).

Probably more a rant than AIBU. DS had a text from a school friend who's Mum had seen it asking what was going on so it's not just me that it affects.

What's the best advice on dealing with this? Ignore whilst grinning & bearing it or call him out on his behaviour?

Similar happened to me. Wasn’t so much that people didn’t know we had separated, they did. But I had defriended him and had questions from my friends and family asking me about some of his posts, of which I new nothing about and didn’t want to know. So I politely asked if he would defriend my family and friends that he was only FB friends with though me (not mutual friends iyswim). He politely obliged and there was no drama.

I agree with PPs - a year is long enough for you to have told people, I think he’s free to post what he likes now. It’s not really controlling the narrative to just refuse to tell anyone at all.

Sorry but yabu. It’s a year later.

If it mattered to you why haven’t you told these people? I can’t imagine keeping it a secret for that long.

PS those saying it’s been a year, I do get it especially after this year has meant we haven’t been socializing. I had a Christmas card from someone who addressed it to me and my ex husband. It’s been over 3 years since we separated, I haven’t got round to telling her (wife of an old uni flatmate that lives 500miles away and I haven’t seen for years) sometimes people slip through the net. I’ll email her at some point and break the “news”

Thanks all. It was the reality check I needed!

To answer some of the questions - the important people do know, this is about people I don't see/speak to very often. I will steal one or two of the suggested lines as a reply!

I think what annoyed me was DS coming and asking what he was supposed to say to his friend after he got the text. DS is on the spectrum and gets stressed very easily which is why the process is going slowly to allow for him to adapt to change. To be fair, on reflection my issue should have been with DS's friends mum for going via the boys and not asking me herself. Think I will ping her a line to say please come to me with any questions rather than DS.

Head has been given a wobble!

Not even separated a year and you both already have new ‘partners’?!

Words fail me. Why can’t people think of their kids first?

I’m the same as you except I go as far to not actually be on social media at all. I would either answer with a breezy “fine thanks, you?” Or just ignore completely. You don’t owe anyone information about your life.

You can speak to people about it in person when you are able to see them, if you should wish.

I agree the over sharing with often near to strangers on social media is baffling to me. I do agree after a year though you should be ok with telling people you have split, but understand the dislike of sharing on social media where the world and his dog is privy to your private life.

It’s obvious that you’ve not told anyone because you’re hoping that he’ll come back to you. Why else would you be so hung up on him having a new girlfriend?

TBH I don’t believe it’s appropriate for anyone to start seeing other people while they’re still living in the same house as their ex, so on that score you’re both in the wrong, but at the end of the day you’re not together any more, and it’s none of your business what he does.

It's his breakup too and he has every right to communicate it however he likes.

That's a PITA. I know posters are saying it's been a year but let's face it, time has stood still in lots of ways so it doesn't feel like a year in terms of interaction with the outside world.

I'm going to say YABU but I'm saying it verrrrrry gently because I think you just need to change your perspective. Look at it this way - the fact it has been a year can totally close down the conversation with gossips etc. "We split up a year ago, sorry I assumed you would have heard." or a nicer "yeah we split up a year ago. I didn't realise I hadn't mentioned it but with everything going on in the world time just passed by." Then any faux offers of support will seem ridiculous.

It's a shame he is still accusing you of being jealous and won't remove your friends and family. The only thing to do is to rise above it yourself. I guess you will have to sit down with DD and talk to her about how to handle it - she needs to tell her friends.

post a quick "just to let folk know, STBXH and I split last year. No need to message, we've both moved on

Oooh don't do that. You'll look like a social media drama llama. Just ignore OP. I get why you're annoyed but sadly this is the world we live in and you can't control the narrative while social media exists. Unfriend him and just ignore the gossips and privately reply that you're fine to the the people you want to reply to.

And get him out of the house ASAP so you can move on properly.

Yeah sorry OP, it's not up to you what he puts on social media. You aren't together and it's not his problem if you've decided not to tell your friends and family still after a year.

You do tend to contradict yourself a bit @LODReturn

You say you don't care what he does and then "AIBU to want to rip his head off & shove it up his arse?"

Perhaps step back from social media - don't look at their posts, ask friends not to tell you what he puts since it really bothers you.

I think you are taking these replies really well, OP. My DSis had to put up with her DH changing his FB status to ‘it’s complicated’ pretty much the day after he admitted to her he’d been having an affair for the past six months. Cue lots of ‘ooh, what’s going on?’ type responses from their mutual friends. And then within a week the OW was sharing photographs of the two of them on a weekend break (which my sister I thought was a business trip). Charmer.

Yes unfortunately this is the way we live now...everything for public consumption and you can’t do a thing about it.
Yanbu to feel irritated and inconvenienced by being put on the spot by his posts. Yabu to ask him to regulate his posts to suit your own agenda. He’s a free agent and it’s a life online these days. Times have changed and you’ll just have to (grudgingly) accept that he can post what he wants.
It’s a pain in the arse but don’t blame or try to control him; everybody’s at it.

I’m not a big social media bod either. X

@Biscoffaddict

Not even separated a year and you both already have new ‘partners’?!

Words fail me. Why can’t people think of their kids first?

I’m not going to comment on ‘kids first’ - none of my business.

I will say, I was intrigued by the set up whereby you both have new partners but are still living together. You haven’t told people you know about the split but you’re already dating elsewhere.
Just seems...awkward?

Forgive me for saying that...I know it isn’t what you asked.

I'm sorry it must be shitty but after a year and the fact you've both got new partners your STBEXH isn't unreasonable to assume you've let everyone know you needed to. At this point what goes on his social media and who he's friends with is none of your business x

Just to clarify - I really don't care what he does, I was annoyed at being put on the spot with messages from people as I am quite private & the fact that DS was anxious about a text he received. When I said 'shove his head up his arse' it was more in reference to him being thoughtless about DS than anything else!

DS is not aware that I am seeing someone. I am taking it slowly and seeing how it goes. We meet up for dog walks and conversation. What happens post-lockdown is still a mystery but I like having someone that I can chat to easily and laugh with. It has helped me keep my sanity.

Thanks @Sillysandy I am going to copy and paste 'We split up a year ago, sorry I assumed you would have heard' to the messages I've received.

Thanks to everyone who has posted - it's made me realise that I'm actually annoyed that it had a knock on affect on DS rather than the fact that he posted anything. I won't be raising it with him though. DS needs to learn to manage his relationship with his dad. I will support him but if he is upset/has questions he needs to talk to STBXH about this.

I probably should unfriend STBXH but was planning on doing this once we move so that it seemed like a natural time. Does someone get notified if they are unfriended? I don't want to do it now and for him to kick off about it.

Sounds like you've accepted you are being unreasonable. But I'd add to this that you should have been working harder to stop this being an issue for DS. the weird secrecy, and he will see it as such, is probably very confusing for him. The breezy responses on here should be equally applicable to DS - "Aaah, DS, if anyone asks just tell them that after Covid Mummy and Daddy will be living separately but for now it's easier or us all to be in the house together".

He didn't put you on the spot though. You put yourself on the spot.

I don’t think they get notified. But why don’t you tell him? Just say to him that you are sick of people asking you questions so you thought you would just unfriend him.

LODReturn
Thanks all. It was the reality check I needed

Sometimes we can't see the wood for the trees We have all been there i our own personal situations and it just takes an outside perspective.

To be fair, on reflection my issue should have been with DS's friends mum for going via the boys and not asking me herself. Think I will ping her a line to say please come to me with any questions rather than DS.

You are right.
When my parents had temporary separation, family asked me quite personal questions. I was an adult, but found it quite difficult. Every time they asked I would just say "ask them". I am not my parents Oress Secretary, they can answer questions fkr themselves

*Press Secretary

You have had a year. Its had an effect on dc because you havnt told people

@WunWun

He didn't put you on the spot though. You put yourself on the spot.

In a sense this is true. Your choice to play your cards close to your chest has meant that your ex’s new relationship has come as a surprise to those who didn’t know that you and he had split. He’s not obliged to follow suit.